Surviving Abandonment

no one

2011-04-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

is it just me that feels utterly alone. disconnected not only from those i presumely should feel bonds with... such as my family, my religion, my friends... but disconnected from everyone!? and not just teenage or 20 something rebellion, but full fledged lack of bonding, faith, connective-ness, no matter.

sore throat

2011-04-29T05:29:00.000-07:00

months later, i'm here. rambling to no one, but at the same time hoping that all it takes is one random viewer to justify this. no matter, the imaginary audience of one or more in my head as i write this is more than enough. i often wonder who is it that has a huge following on a random blog such as this. do they 'campaign' their page, link to others equally as needy for fans? or does the oft followed personal diary type blogs prosper on fully personally resonating terms? in other words, does the most thought out, heart wrenching, soul searching diction stand out on it's own 2 feet, or does cheap marketing take place?

i think i probably forgot the password to my other google account

2010-12-28T03:01:00.000-08:00

so my back hurts. it gets pretty stiff. i'd really like to get to the gym. the degree to which i feel out of shape and unfit is increasing steadily. i have further and further to go to feel and look good.

last summer --- and i went on a cross country trip together. over 20 states in 6 weeks. totally awesome. one thing that wasn't awesome was the rash i got. oh jesus. it sucked. i mean, it was the most maddening thing i have ever gone through in my entire life. i really couldn't walk. it's amazing how important walking is. we take it for granted. this i now know.

walking meant having a mosquito bite the size of a pizza pie on the inside of each thigh. you know that itch? that mosquito bite itch that makes you want to tear your skin off and disinfect your flesh? and you know how one bite the size of a small pearl makes you want to holler? well, seriously, the inside of each thigh was one big, red, rash that no amount of fingernails could ever satisfy. the only comfort came from furiously itching and yelling in frustration and desparation until realizing the itching was only waking it up even more. then i would have to pat it all over while bracing for what i knew was next.... to stop scratching. i would sit and wait until the itch subsided just enough so i could sit without touching my thighs so long as i didn't move and nothing at ALL brushed against or touched my skin. it was hell.

it took a while to get rid of it. first i waited for it to go away on it's own. it didn't. then i went to a clinic. i was told it was bacterial and i should go on antibiotics. i had just finished a ton of antibiotics just a week earlier, so i balked at the suggestion, but did it anyway. then it got worse. that's when it got to the point i couldn't walk. while === and his family went hiking in the beautiful lay of the land, i painstakingly lounged alone waiting until i would have to endure the torture of movement once again. at that point i broke down and went to another clinic where i was told it was fungal and that antibiotics were the cause of the rash and that i needed a creme. it would be another week before i could properly walk and another 2 weeks before i could really hike. it would be well over a month until i could go a day without itching my thighs.

luckily, i'm ok now. i have acidophilus to thank for my full recovery. and yogurt of course. i would like nothing more than to go to that initial clinic and yell at that person that was so fucking fucking stupid. but of course, that would be bullshit. i'm stupid too. i should have been eating yogurt THE WHOLE TIME. yeast infections suck.

now

2010-12-20T02:57:00.000-08:00

i am on this for the first time in quite a while. i'm a different person now after this past year. better in most ways. still a long way to go until i'm back to where i want to be.

i have a great boyfriend, i'm collecting unemployment, i gained too much weight, i am feeling far removed from my family, i got in touch with my dad and then ended up alienating him, i am feeling so much more free of my stupid ex, i am looking forward to one day returning to school, i eat too much, i drink too much. i skied for the first time recently, i have wonderful friends, i threw my first party recently, i no longer feel the need to follow _____, i am still sewing, i am sewing new types of items, i have an internet addiction, i never read, i no longer throw up but once in a blue moon, i am in a new place with my coke addiction, and i have some real anger, frustration, and paranoia issues. i feel sexually devoid, creatively stale, and mentally dull. i have glimpses of what it's like to feel confident, i am consumed with the need to travel, i have a special car, a decent mechanic, a lot of money invested in said car. i went cross country with my boyfriend this past summer, i fear obama won't get a second term, i am sure that evil persists and always will, i wonder if i'll be skinny again, i never go to the gym, i never ride my bike. i have decent roommates. i met my boyfriends parents. they're ok. i will most likely never have children. i am scared that my mom will die one day. i hate that i just wrote that last sentence. i'm trying to grow my hair down to my ass. i wish i loved more music. i want a pet so damn fucking bad. pit bull is my first choice if i got a dog. i really really want a cat, but can't have one in this house. i love my house. i have an amazing view from my window when the sun rises behind the ________ in the east. i wonder if my heart will give out on me sooner than later. i miss caring about things. i miss passion. i miss life. i feel like i'm waiting for nothing. i feel numb. i feel better than i did a month ago, and a month before that, and so on. my life is improving.

today, i woke semi-hungover. it was one of those mornings when i sit in bed way longer than i would have if my bf wasn't there. enter resentment. suggest we go to a movie. drop him at his home after, and head home to be productive. pass out instead. wake later and eat too much and sit on the internet doing nothing. hours pass. i cut up some fabric, but not for the project i should. i stress about deadlines. i procrastinate. i decide to go to bed sooner than later to try not to fuck up my schedule way too much for the next day. i end up on here blogging. i think about where to go on the internet next, and try to convince myself i won't do this for hours and instead will turn off all the electricity i'm now using and close my eyes and try to relax. thoughts return to all that i'm putting off, and all that i will probably put off tomorrow. i wonder why i do this. i self loathe.

getting better

2010-06-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

so excited! i was full after eating almost all the rice and veggies i made, and set aside the last bit for later instead of eating it and then throwing up. yay me!

should be all right

2010-05-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

i have a boyfriend. he is wonderful. i couldn't imagine finding someone who is so sweet to me, so understanding. i do have my feelings of annoyance here and there, but at least i am not crying. in fact, i never cry because of him. that is so 180 of how is was with my ex.
my ex. i hate what he did. moving past it, sure, but then there comes along someone who knows him, and old memories dredge up and it sucks.
i'm worried about how low on money i am, and how quickly it happened. moreso, i need to get paperwork done so i can prepare for the months ahead. i am ignoring toooooo much

new boyfriend

2010-04-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

ok, so i'm pretty happy that i have someone special. it's a fucking relief. it's a huge ease to my loneliness. he sleeps with me, listens to me bitch, spends time with me, goes hiking, drinks coffee, plays board games, and we have the same friends. he loves meeting people i know, has introduced me to his, he and i are planning a huge trip this summer cross country, talk about tons of extensive travel together, parties with me, spends money on me, lets me spend on him, and loves to watch movies and shows with me. his taste in music is good, he likes a lot of what i do music wise, is smart, loves math, chess, backgammon, wants to go on bike rides with me, does me any favor i ask, goes down, has a sweet cock, beautiful eyes, is young but not immature at all, isn't religious, is funny, loves to cuddle, into pda no problem, and tells me he loves but isn't jealous at all. then why am i not madly in love? or a better question is... is it ok that i'm not madly in love? i feel like i love him, but i suspect there is a chance i don't. at least, i suspect that there is a chance that i don't want the same intensity of a relationship that he does. i also have another, stronger suspicion though... that if i was taking care of my life, i would be super happy to have him in my life just the way he is. also, he isn't working, he isn't trying to do anything specific other than hike and travel. and game. however, he's only in his mid 20's and hasn't followed through with college. he isn't much different than me when it comes to the lack of goals, but he is younger, so maybe that can or will change? i hope so. the flip side is it could get worse.
i pray i don't have to discuss this with him. i pray we even out.

got my hopes up

2010-02-23T02:51:00.000-08:00

ok, so this super young guy gets interested in me. i get interested in him. we met thru a friend. i had them over for a small gathering with some of my other friends. he asked me if i wanted to get together after the weekend since i was going out of town the next day. i was all about it. we texted a couple of times that night and the next day. i was sweet but a touch distant in my texts. i didn't want to appear too eager. come monday, i don't hear from him. i email him early that evening. nothing so far.

maybe he is waiting til saturday. he texted something about joining a game with him and his friends. maybe he did call me but just didn't leave a message and since my phone was off i wouldn't know he called. maybe he just got really stoned. maybe he met some other girl. maybe he realized i was lame. maybe our mutual friend told him something that made him think twice. maybe he thinks i don't like him. i don't fucking know. it's like i told a friend of mine struggling with the same sort of boy issues... you have no way of thinking of every single possibility there is, therefore there is a chance that the right answer is unknown, therefore do not try to guess, do not assume. just wait and/or try to contact them. well, this is what i'm doing. i am also reminding myself that i have feelings of trepidation about this anyway. 1) huge age difference. 2) weight issue. 3) std issue. 4) self-image issue. 5) jealousy issue. 6) money issue.

however, every time i see a picture of this guy, he looks soooo good. also, he's extremely smart and exactly my type as far as hair and eyes. also, he's talented. if he has a huge cock, then i'll be really sad to have to let him slip thru the cracks, because then he'd be just perfect, wouldn't he? i just don't have it in me to play these games right now. i don't need or want everything spelled out in stone, but i also am not strong enough to deal with rejection. no. not going to do it. not going to throw myself at this guy hoping i can kiss his ass just the way he likes it. not going to pretend to be something i'm not. furthermore, i need to remind myself that i don't even really know him. maybe he's not all that. maybe it's better to hang onto him as a friend rather than a lover. maybe he'll come in real handy one day when i need a laborer... or something.

the good to come out of all this no matter what is: for the first time in a loooong time, i felt feelings similar to what i felt for ____. i found someone better looking the more he spoke. i found myself feeling engaged in conversation right away. i was asked for my # by someone i liked and then actually called. there is hope... just not a shit load.

no change

2010-02-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

aaaaaah, so he's a sociopath. ok. that means no hoping, no wishing, no thinking... it just is. incurable. or... it's not black and white... however, for sure it's not 50/50. error on the side of he's sick as fuck.

i want this to stop

2010-02-13T01:08:00.000-08:00

i'm having a hard time. ok, so i found out for sure my ex cheated on me over and over. seriously, i feel like i should feel like a complete loser... like i should be ashamed of letting him fool me, of going along with all the mistreatment, of being so obvilious. however, in a way i just don't. it occured to me that they (my ex and the one of the women he fucked that knew me) are the ones that are idiots. they are the ones that made sick decisions. i did too. i suppose... ah, whatever. what's really bothering me is that i want him more than ever. i can't stop thinking about how he is the most beautiful man i ever met and how i am still in love with him. i can't stop thinking about whether he wants me now that we talked. i can't stop wondering if he wants _______ back or if i am no better to him than any other ex now. i know that is the case. i know he was never in love with me, he just WANTED to be in love with me... oh wait, maybe it's something in between. i wasn't in love with ___, but then again i left him. wait. maybe ____ would have left if not for not being able to afford it. sure enough, he did leave eventually. christ. i wish i knew if he really loved me and if he could love me again. if he loves me still. he must not... he was able to leave me once before, he was able to sleep with other women. he actually carried on other relationships. he must have NO respect for me at ALL. just like me for ___. the only way we could have a relationship at all is if i do not allowone little bit of bull from him/ possible? my fear is the only tway that is possible is if we have NO CONTACT AT ALL! that is the LAST THING i want. i'm so damned. i wish i can find someone to help me forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. it will be nice to be out east in a couple of months. i wish i were skinnier. i wish i wasn't so boring and ugly. i wish ____ loved me. i want nothing more in this life at this moment than to be in his arms. it's killing me. i want to die rather than feel his rejection again. i wish i were dead right now rather than feel this longing and shame.

i can't believe he doesn't hate me!

2010-02-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

ah thank god! i emailed ____ and not only did he email back but he actually used the picture i sent (reason for the email) for his profile pic. it was the most i could have hoped for! i was expecting more of the same as far as him completely ignoring me.

ah, so relieved. i know i shouldn't be so hung up on what he thinks of me, but how could i not? i spent so long with him, i spent a ton on energy on him, a lot of investment inside and out. i'm glad to know that i can move on and have something like that with someone else one day, but at the same time i will NEVER have some of the joy he and i shared with anyone ever again. it would be one thing if he were dead and therefore that is why there could never be a connection again, but the way things have been, there was always the possibility of running into him and he HATING me... at least this way i know he and i can be civil and salvage what decent memories we share without ignoring them because of all the horrible things we did to one another.

i just couldn't accept that it all had to be canceled out. also, i fucking MISS him! now this doesn't mean i'm all about trying to have coffee with him anytime soon (if ever), but to know that he has a moment or two where he remembers something fondly relating to me is enough to help me accept the loss that has occurred. i still need to write some more about this... shift it around in my head to clearly and concisely figure out my perspective on this unexpected change, but for now i feel a cloud that has been sticking around ominous and dark gray is now moving slowly in the opposite direction of where it is i need to go.

in no way am i excited by this because of what it means re: reconnecting with him. no no. i am a million miles away from being able to deal with him having romantic or sexual relationships with other people. i am still intimidated by most of the kinds of people he surrounds himself with.

i still want him in the deepest part of my soul even though my brain is not down for something that insane. i know he used me, but i also suspect he did feel strongly for me. the thing is: i could never feel comfortable or safe with him as a friend much less as a lover or partner, because i doubt there is a way that he could ever prove to me that i was more important than other women in his life from the past, present, or future. 2 reasons: 1- because that never was the case and never would be. as much as he ever has or will care for me, it is not more than he did for certain exes, women he will know in the future, and probably women he knows now. 2- even if that weren't the case, i don't think i will ever think someone as smart and funny and hot as he is would ever put me first because my own father never did. i do not hold myself in high enough esteem to believe someone else could. it is very possible i will never fall in love again now that i realize this. if i can't fall in love with someone with a clean slate, i certainly couldn't revert back to trying to trust ____ after all the damage done. he has shown himself unable to apologize thoroughly. what he considers redundant i consider incomplete.

argh.... point is, i'm glad he doesn't hate me, i'm glad it's possible we can run into each other one day and not have a scene or me throw up or have a panic attack, and i'm glad he used the picture i sent.

jealousy and bulimia

2010-02-01T01:47:00.000-08:00

argh. ok, so first i get a text from one of my friends. she and the other friend we were out with last night both ended up at an after party at the band's house after the show. the show i left early because i was tired and cranky and sad and pissed. yeah, i could have stayed and tried to have a good time since i love the music, but no, i needed to get sooooo drunk the night before that i was ashamed and exhausted to the point that i couldn't even dance, much less socialize with cool, friendly people.

it was bad enough that i threw myself at a white-trash kid the night before only to get blown off, but here i was the next night and in yet another situation where i'm hoping i can get laid or fall in love or do any-fucking-thing in between knowing that odds are NOTHING'S HAPPENING. then a whole slew of annoyances followed one another...

who else is there but my semi-ex friend ______ and her better-than-fiction boyfriend _____. i couldn't stand seeing them together. i couldn't stand catching a glimpse of a cute boy out of the corner of my eye and realizing it was _____ over and over. i couldn't stand feeling like i had to be nice to ______ when really i am so fucking pissed at her and so jealous and so disgusted with the fact that she used me, hurt me, and reminds me of how pathetic i was when ____ and i were together and how pathetic i am now that we're not. also, a decent boy DID talk to me, and i wanted to flirt with him, but i had no idea how to go about it without being an old, desperate lady and being obtuse. i tried to be cool about it, and next thing i know, he's gone. really gone. like, so gone maybe i should have given him more to go on. AND to top it all off, _____ called me earlier in the night to hang out after i thought i had shook him loose. i tried to drop hints as heavy as anchors, but he dodged every one. i had to raise and shake my voice and tell him i was feeling uncomfortable. he was maneuvering around every reason i had for not going straight to his house and picking him up and spending the whole night attached at the hip with him. i had to be blunt with him so then i spent the rest of the night feeling guilty for rejecting this nice guy i wanted to want but ditched instead.

yeah, so that was my day last night. shitty in itself, and that was on top of the usual missing ____ and feeling inadequate in the shadow of all that is his life then and now. then the text today that i missed an opportunity to meet amazing people (which is one of my main goals lately) and then i happen upon a picture of the cozy couple from last night on facebook and they are SO FUCKING IN LOVE AND HAPPY! so i'm so frustrated and so jealous. jealous of the people i should be happy for. jealous when it's a totally wasted emotion and damaging and hurtful to myself more than anyone. meanwhile, i just ate even though it's super late and i'm super fucking fatter than i want to be. i finished the two-helping dinner i made earlier tonight instead of saving half for tomorrow. so i threw up the second helping. rarely a day goes by when i don't throw up. last night i stopped for fast food on the way to the show because i wasn't very hungry while i was home when i could have made something relatively healthy... so i threw that up when i got to the bar. i had to hold the bathroom stall door because the latch was broken and still aim for the toilet and still try to be as quiet as i could so the other girls in there didn't know i was heaving, all the while trying to not get it in my hair that i couldn't hold back because the fucking latch was a god-damned piece of shit!!!! i fucking hate how fucking lame i am. i fucking hate it.

by the way... still ugly. still old and fat. fuck. i'll be making an appt for a dermatologist and also a personal trainer asap. hopefully that will help. that in addition to doing something with my life of course. incidentally, i really like the way throwing up feels sometimes. it's like taking a great shit... there's a physical pleasure in it. i probably wouldn't feel like this if i was getting laid. it's so sickening to think of ___ having sex and looking into so-and-so's eyes and coming all over (or in) whomever when i'm all alone and disgusting and wasting away getting fatter and uglier and stupider. fuck.

response

2010-01-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

ok, instead of googling his name ever time i miss something about being with him, i will vent here.
i will write, i will go to the gym, i will read, i will knock whatever off my list, i will sew, i will go out in the world and surround myself with people who share my values. everyone else doesn't need to be responded to. perhaps only acknowledged if that. ok.

why don't i feel good?

2010-01-16T02:23:00.000-08:00

i bought a car this week. i should be fucking happy. jesus fucking christ, all i could do a few months ago was fantasize about how a car would make me feel better. i wouldn't have to spend time on the bus, i wouldn't have to be around those lame people on the bus, i wouldn't have to wait for the bus where anyone in the world could see me standing there alone, most likely wearing something lame or embarrassing. i wouldn't have to go grocery shopping with my bike and therefore make the cashier pissed because i needed to bag everything just so. i wouldn't have to go light to naked lady parties or ask for rides home or not be able to buy detergent the same day i bought soda or not be able to go to a fun party out of town or get to the coast or do a favor for a friend or lug my stuff to a street fair to sell... for god's sake, i would have a million ways in which my life would vastly improve. but here i am feeling alone, feeling unhappy, feeling unloved and unlovable. even though i LOVE my car and it is EXACTLY what i wanted (how lucky is that? thank you craigslist!), it feels empty and bittersweet. i don't have anywhere special to go with it, no one i can win over because of it, no one i can go see or fuck in the middle of the night via it. damn. you see, if i had a job, i could appreciate it more. instead, i feel vain and compensatory.

good thing is now i can go to the gym. seriously, i should have just done it with my bike, but i didn't. thing is, it's one thing to ride the bike with a sense of pride, however for me it was just demoralizing. i wasn't doing it for exercise or fresh air or the environment... i was doing it because the only other option was the bus. and then the weather turned, i was home too many hours of too many days, and i started in with the bus. what the fucking fuck?!??!?

i am frustrated. this tinge of anger i'm feeling right now is a welcome break from the usual sadness that permeates each hour of each day now. i am depressed. can't get out of bed, do not like to look in the mirror, do not enjoy myself unless i'm high (and even then, i'm not really having the fun i used to on drugs). i can't bring myself to fuck anyone, but that doesn't matter, because no one is really lining up anyway. i can't give it away. so many people tell me i look a lot younger than i am, yet i'm not getting the attention i used to. or at least it seems. it may be that i'm going after hotter guys than i used to and i'm not giving it out to the same ugly types i always used to... so there's more rejection nowadays. a lot more. but even though i rationally KNOW that's ok, i have to ask myself if this new rejection is because i'm older and uglier, or i'm coming off more DESPARATE and therefore uglier.
anyway, this entry is a bit unorganized, but fuck it. i needed to vent, and vent i did. tomorrow i hope to go to a new movie with an old friend (and hopefully he won't hit on me, but unfortunately that is likely). i also hope to hit the gym. i did yesterday for the first time in weeks, and lord did it help!

i don't get it

2010-01-11T02:01:00.000-08:00

so lonely. there were so many men hitting on me last night... but none of them were interesting or very good looking. i miss my ex. i wish i had interesting, special people in my life. i am very grateful for all the love and all the people who like to spend time with me, but i can't remember the last time i really LAUGHED with someone because of something they said.

i miss my ex. i miss that feeling of laughter. i miss having someone to hold or to lean against. i barely miss sex though. jesus. i can't watch porn without wondering if i'll ever have decent sex again. ever. i don't know what to do in this moment. i know i need to get out and do things like read, go to the gym, get into school. i am afraid i will waste too much of my money or fuck up my UI. i need to be smart about my decisions in these next few weeks. super smart... and that paralyzes me. everything paralyzes me. i have the hardest time concentrating. jesus. anxiety. oh god.

i long for ____, but i feel like i don't even know him. tonight, i found a new picture of him online and i didn't recognize him. he's an entirely different person than the guy i dated. of course he is who he is and i must have loved an apparition, but i can't help longing for who it was i loved.

there is a laundry list of what i want in a man, in my friends, in my life... i put a ton on them on my ex, and now that he ran away from me, i have no one to put all that on. i feel so alone, drifting, hurt, alone. i am afraid to have any involvment with any men because i can't stand the possibility of being misled or the possibility of hurting someone or feeling trapped. damn, damn, damn.

i need a fuller life. tomorrow i will go to the gym, work on a custom order overdue, and shop for a vehicle and make a list of what i need to look for in a vehicle.

reading

2010-01-08T01:19:00.000-08:00

so, it was for a while that i couldn't read at all. the thought of reading caused me to feel so horrible that only death could fix that feeling on the spot. i would cringe in wait for that feeling to pass. i shifted my thoughts away from books or subjects of interest or academic merit as quickly as possible. i found myself playing backgammon online over and over... it was a way to interact with other humans, be better than them, and not involve words. the mere mention of a bookstore or an author would throw me into a tizzy in my head. it was like i was suddenly caught in a room full of angry bees... they were angry i dared to compete with the likes of my ex and those around him that pursued reading and learning... especially the woman he left me for.

things are much better now. however, they are not all better. i need to read. i need to write. actually, i think if i wrote a little everyday, esp. at the beginning of the day, i would feel more grounded instead of soooo very scattered. then i would have more confidence. for instance, even though i KNOW i like to read and i know how important it is, and i know i have read a ton ever since i was very young and it was without the prompting of anyone at all, i still have this buzzing in the back of my brain that says i'm doing it to impress others. shit. perhaps both are true... i want it to improve my mind and to gain admiration from others. i don't yet know if that is all right. what percentage of each should i be at? where would i feel most comfortable? anyway, beginning to write will guide me to where i need to be with my reading. i know it. and that in itself is so way beyond where i was a few months ago.

new year, old issues

2010-01-07T00:21:00.000-08:00

ahh, whatever. not particularly sad or mad, not glad. blah. ah. ha.

just posted a lot of new photos on my facebook. there's a few with a boy i spent the actual new year with. just me and him and some shrooms and molly. good times. but wait... it was at a show and i met him through our mutual friend who we lost along the way after my friend found her way to a random guy... long story short, i was way into this guy but could tell he was not going to go beyond just friends. if i weren't so high, i would have told myself to let it go, but instead i figured i had nothing to lose by pushing it by kissing and hugging him. hell, i was hugging EVERYBODY! but kissing just him. he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss back either. he was higher than i, so i guessed that was why i was getting mixed messages rather than a blow off, but still... i was hoping for a miraculous event (thanks to the huge rush of seratonian), so i pushed. it wasn't until we all met up after the show and i asked him if he wanted to continue to hang out that he finally fessed up to having a girlfriend. she was down in mexico waiting for him.

it was funny... on the one hand, i feel silly for going there and getting rejected, on the other, he didn't reject me. he spent almost the whole show with me, was with me at midnight, and didn't make me feel weird once. even when he had to finally tell me he had a girlfriend, i still got the feeling that he did like me... i can't read his mind, but i get the feeling he enjoyed having a cute, friendly girl to hand out with at a show he only knew a couple of accquaintences at, and that he didn't feel the slightest urge to do anything against his relationship, but at the same time, it was a sweet, flirty thing. argh, i'm not really putting this into the most elegant wording, but the long and short of it is that i'm glad to have spent time with him that night. he was incredibly beautiful. he was tall and scientific and smart and skinny and a mountain man. ooooh.

anyway, i was putting pics up on facebook, and i was hoping that by seeing them, my ex and my enemies would witness how incredible i am, and how i don't care about what they've done to me and they are wrong and i am great. fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. i hope one day I KNOW i am great and i hope that one day I HAVE a boyfriend who is every bit as wonderful as that one guy and he stays true to me that guy stays true to his gf. one day, one day, one day.

thing is, none of that will happen so long as i sit on this damn computer everyday. but i'm sad, i'm frightened, i'm tired, i'm alone, i'm sick, i'm bored, i'm dumb, i'm weak, i'm lazy, i'm stuck. i know how to change all these things, but so far, not really happening. lazy, lazy, lazy. i saw an ad on cl. damn cute. my age. soooo tempted to answer, but i don't like the chance of rejection, or lameness, or anyone i know finding out about it. argh. i will try to look out for him randomly in rl instead. that's better. argh. he seems like the tight black pants type anyway.

ha

2009-12-17T03:58:00.000-08:00

i just remembered... i used to have to have valium on me at all times, just in case i ran into ____. not anymore. i of course, would feel sick to my stomach, but i'd stop short of a panic attack. god, i hope i don't test this theory. i hope it's a looooooooooong time before i run into him (even though i miss him like crazy. actually, because i still DO miss him like crazy).
good news. i FINALLY get to get a fucking haircut. i have no idea when my last was. maybe a year ago. almost. it's out of control. just in time to see my family and hit the big city. whoo hoo. thanks to _____ for loaning me the big bucks to make my xmas everything i could hope for. i sooooooooo have to make her a quilt.
speaking of sewing, i've been doing just that. it takes me a few hours after i wake up at about noon to get motivated to think about what i'm going to work on, and then another couple of hours to get to the machine. but these last few days, at least i'm getting to the machine and STAYING there. whoot whoot what. i sooooo have to finish 2 hoodies by saturday, and if i'm lucky, another one before i fly out tuesday. oh boy. leaves me no time to work on anything for me for east coast. oh well. i have a lot of nice things to wear anyway. i have sweet sweaters to bust out and i'll probably wear only boots the whole time i'm out there since i usually ride my bike everyday here. yeah yeah, i'll be drinking yeungling EVERYday and pizzer every other night. what what.
so... things seem to be falling into place. i hope i make the very most of this opportunity. i hope i go back to school and get a double major by 2012. i hope i re-experience the feeling of falling in love again and am able to enjoy it's rewards rather than let it's risks drive me insane. i hope i can paint my entire house and do some fixer upper stuff like replace my faucet, nail up the gutters, rototill the yard, and maybe fix the leak in my bathroom so i don't feel a wet splash when i am sitting on the toilet 30 seconds from regaining conscienceness. i hope i think i'm pretty again one day. i hope i get back into reading. i hope i can lay off living in the past. i hope i can shed unhealthy relationships or preferably get realllllllly good at drawing strict, fair boundaries from day 1. i hope i can have a family one day, or the equivalent thereof. i hope when i get a car, it's kick ass. i want a wagon dammit. volvo, subaru, corrolla... oh yeah. don't care what year, but hopefully old yet reliable. i want to take it up and down the mountain, not just up and down main st. and if it's green... whoa.
anyway, i also realllllllllly want to let go of my hate. not entirely, but enough so it's negligible when it comes to overpowering me. i want it there to challenge me, keep me sharp, but i don't want it clouding all that i do.

things sure are different

2009-12-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

wow. won a lawsuit. got laid off and now i'm getting just as much with ui as i was with my checks thanks to no more garnishment. should be able to get out of default and go back to school with the new limit on fed max for fafsa. jeez. peace corps? prolly. new used car. uh huh. fabric, haircut, new pots and pans, coffee maker, trip out east for xmas, nye paid in full, no more cc mins, pay moms lots back, new clothes, decent coat and shoes, fix up my bikes, and so forth. wow. so glad this is happening. so worried about fucking it up. so glad it's happening now and not earlier in my life when i was still in love or on drugs or traveling a lot. wow.

still missing ____. can't wait til something else takes that place in my heart. hope it's not empty for all time. i refuse to refill it with garbage. that is what was there in the first place, and now here i am wishing i had more. jeez. steve perry, you're my hero, but you get me in trouble. no more.

wish i were prettier, or at least had a better rack. oh well. i do have a decent mind and i'm not fat. there's that. i can always improve my mind and body and my looks, mood, and friends will follow. i know that. it's hard tho. i keep remembering all the hurt and all the betrayal i've been on both sides of, and it's debilitating. i wish i weren't so alone. i wish i trusted people more. it's so lonely. i cry all the time. i wonder what it's like not to cry without feeling numb. to just NOT cry. i hope to one day find out.

the other woman

2009-11-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

SO, I THOUGHT I POSTED A MISSED CONNECTION ON CRAIGSLIST LAST NIGHT, BUT I MUST HAVE CLACKED WHEN I SHOULD HAVE CLICKED, BECAUSE IT WASN'T THERE WHEN I CHECKED LATER. IT WAS REALLY GOOD TOO, SO THAT IS A DISAPPOINTMENT. IT WAS A 'LETTER' TO MY EX AND IT WAS ABOUT MY CONFUSION AS TO WHY ALL MY FRIENDS SUCK AND WHETHER I'M DOOMED TO WISHING I WAS WORTHY OF MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE DUE TO BEING MISLED TO THINK SOMEONE AS GREAT AS HIM (MINUS THE LYING) WAS INTO ME.

NOW I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TEXTING WITH THE 2 CLOSEST PEOPLE TO ME RIGHT NOW. THE 21 YEAR OLD ACROSS THE COUNTRY THAT IS 'BANGING' A CUTE GIRL HIS AGE WHILE CALLING ME TO TALK ALMOST EVERY DAY AND THE NEW FRIEND I MADE THIS PAST MONTH THAT SEEMS REALLY PROMISING, BUT MAY BE TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY AND ONE MORE PERSON TO PROVE MY THEORY ABOUT WHAT I'M WORTH FRIEND-WISE.

ANYWAY, TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK, AND I'M FEELING ALL RIGHT, COMPARATIVELY. I STILL OBSESS ABOUT MY EX, BUT AT LEAST IT'S ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS SINCE THE OFFICIAL BREAK UP AND I STILL HAVE HALF AS LONG AS THAT TO RECOOPERATE ENOUGH TO FEEL LIKE I'VE MOVED ON. I HAVE A LOT OF SEWING TO LOOK FORWARD TO, MONEY-WISE AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, FAMILY-HOLIDAY-WISE. I AM SOOOOO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY, AND AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT STRENGTHENING MY TIES WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THANKS TO FACEBOOK AND SO FORTH. OH, AND THE THING WITH ______... I'M REALLY AT THE POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CUT HIM LOOSE, OTHERWISE I'M NO BETTER THAN A MISTRESS THAT SAYS, 'OH, BUT HE LOVES ME'... FOR ONE THING, IT'S NOT FAIR TO HIS GF, AND FOR ANOTHER, IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE NEXT AWESOME GUY I MEET THAT I WON'T GIVE ALL MY ATTENTION TO BECAUSE I'M GLUED TO THE PHONE WITH A KID TALKING ABOUT DICK JOKES 90% OF THE TIME. OH, AND IF WE BOTH DO END UP AT NYE TOGETHER, I CAN'T GO DOWN THERE HAVING JUST KEPT IN TOUCH WITH HIM NON-STOP SINCE AUGUST. THE BREAK IS NECESSARY SO I DON'T BECOME PATHETIC AND THROW MYSELF AT HIM.

I GUESS I HAVE TO OUTRIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM. HE MAY FEEL HURT IN THE MEANTIME, BUT IT WILL BE A GREAT LEARNING LESSON FOR HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO RESPECT THE PERCEPTIONS OF THOSE THAT ARE RELIANT ON HIM THAT HE CONTINUES TO BENEFIT FROM. HE'S A GOOD KID AND HE SHOULD STAY THAT WAY. I DON'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE BULLSHIT.

CRACKING MY HEAD

2009-10-30T13:50:00.001-07:00

HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! THAT GUY I HAD SEX WITH THAT GOT REALLY MAD AT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL HIM SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE... WHEN I RAN INTO HIM RECENTLY HE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT 'CRACKING MY HEAD' AS BEING ONE OF THE ISSUES OF THAT NIGHT, OBVIOUSLY GLOSSING OVER AND NOT MENTIONING 'LOSING HIS HARD-ON'.

NOW, I DIDN'T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM, AND FOR SURE BLAMED IT ON THE C-DOM AND GAVE HIM THE ABSOLUTE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THAT IT WASN'T AN ISSUE WITH HIM (WHEN IN FACT I FIGURED IT WAS PROBABLY NOT THE C-DOM BUT INSTEAD DUE TO THE FACT THAT I JUST WASN'T THAT INTO IT AND HIS DICK COULD PROBABLY PICK UP ON THAT). HOWEVER, IT JUST DAWNED ON ME THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS HE REACTED AS SEVERELY AS HE DID. AND THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE HERE I'VE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP PARTLY DUE TO HIS RESPONSE, WHEN ALL THE WHILE HE'S PROBABLY SUPER EMBARRESSED. HE DID TELL ME HE HAS NEVER JUST HOOKED UP LIKE THAT BEFORE, SO OVERALL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN PREETY TRUMATIC, EVEN BEFORE HE REALIZED I DIDN'T TELL HIM WHAT I SHOULD HAVE.

ANYWAY, I FEEL SLIGHTLY BETTER, BECAUSE I KNOW NOW THAT HIS EXTREME REACTION MOST LIKELY WASN'T JUST DUE TO THE MAGNITUDE OF MY MISGIVING. OF COURSE, WHAT I DID WAS REALLY BAD, AND A TOTAL MISTAKE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED... HOWEVER, LIKE I HAVE MENTIONED TO OTHERS I'VE DISCUSSED THIS WITH, HIS REACTION WAS THE MOST UPSETTING EVER. NOW I HAVE ADDITIONAL INSIGHT INTO WHY THAT MAY BE, AND THEREFORE AS A RESULT FEEL LIKE I CAN ACTUALLY MOVE ON FROM BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT THIS AND JUST NOT MAKE THAT SAME MISTAKE AGAIN, AND FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAPPENING TO BE PART OF THAT GUY'S INEVITABLE LEARNING LESSON.

math

2009-10-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

argh. i wish i had taken math as my major. i wish, i wish, i wish. but then again, when i think back to what was in my head when decisions were made when they were, i can see why i choose engineering, geology, and then in a last ditch attempt to come out ahead: geography. i failed in all three. but math still leaves me feeling excited. so if i had chosen math then, would i have floundered with that too? i mean, was anything i tried doomed to be bullshit, or did i just not make the right choice early on enough?

was it my parents fault for not supporting me in what i liked and loved? was it their fear of my possible failure to get any further than they did that fueled them to take whatever it was that i liked and try to mold that into the idea they had for me from day one, which was based on what they themselves wished they had done? i think so... it's fairly common, so i shouldn't really hold it against them. they wanted me happy. however... when i think about how little either of them paid attention to me overall, it hurts. my sister and brother had one another, but i always was on my own. my mother drank and my father rolled another joint and banged another 18 year old and leased another new car... neither of them were able to make their children the stars of the show. we weren't even an ensamble cast. my dad was gone 95% of the time, and when he did show up, he was a buddy who did fun things... not a dad. at least hardly a dad. hardly.

any my mom... drunk and passed out and crying and screeeeeeeeeaaaaming! jesus fucking christ, she really let it go all the time. the poor fucking woman was a mess and as miserable a person as i had known. but i loved her with all my heart. wait. maybe not... i just loved her as much as i could love anyone. but it probably wasn't with everything i had. i was too neglected and hurt for that. and my dad... that was work! fitting in all the fun that we possibly could, fitting in every little immediate gratification whether it be ice cream, roller skating, r-rated movies with lots of cursing and fascinating nakedness and disconcerting sexual situations... he was eager to be liked and at the time i thought that passed for love. when us kids got to be older and saw how little money our mother raised us on compared to how hard she worked, and how little our father bothered to contribute for the most basic of necessities, opting instead for the wild once in a long-while weekends... we didn't like him so much anymore.

neither of my parents were able to guide me when i entered the world. neither of them could hold me back from throwing myself into adult situations as i attempted to leave behing all the hurt and fear breeding over the years in my dyfunctional family and amongst my abusive peers at school and in my neighborhood. early on i saw that the only girls that paid attention to me either wanted to use me to get even with a friend or pick on me to impress everyone they could. the only boys who liked me did so because i was on my own and separted from the pack, seemingly easy to prey upon and pounce! it was horrible. the only balance i could find was to sink into a world of only men, but men who could at least compensate me for my torture and make it seem bareable.

that went on for a while, but still i wanted love. i was so alone at that point... my family avoided me, i was living alone in a basement apartment at 16, kicked out of the beginning of 11th grade because i wasn't showing up... i worked almost every single night because i had nothing to do otherwise, even with all the money i was making. then i met _____, and things changed. i was shown an alternative. i wasn't very happy at that point, however, good did come from that situation. it forced me to reconcile the double life i was living. i was able to leave work behind, and no longer had to lie, lie, lie. i reconnected with my family, reentered the world of daylight (literally), and eventually took my ged and started college. i was hopeful and eager, so that was nice. i wasn't close to happy though. not close.

i do horrible things

2009-10-05T11:04:00.001-07:00

ok. so this is a long story that leads one to the inevitable conclusion that i do horrible things. i need to lay this out beginning to end because without it, i wander into thoughts of justification and rationlization, when in fact, i'm every bit of a cowardly, selfish bastard as any of the assholes i've ever met.

boyfriend broke up with me. devastaed. begging and pleading for him to come back. let him sleep with me hoping he wanted back. he didn't. he wanted more sex, he missed me. we negotiated. we got back together. he freaked out and finally left me for good. still wanted sex though. somewhere along the way he met someone else and didn't tell me. i found them hanging out at his house one day when i stopped by, knowing we were done, hoping we could still work it out. devasted. finally accepted it was really over for good. from the initial break up to finding out he's seeing someone else = 4 months.

hate. anger. all of a sudden, the dam broke and my denial no longer could hold back all the facts. i had to face the ugly truth. i couldn't keep hoping that all the lies, secrets, and gut feelings were going to be smashed away in the long run when ____ professed his undying love and devotion. not only would it never turn out the way i wanted, but it most likely had been a lie and a charade the whole time. i felt used. i felt utterly unloved and unlovable. i had no trust for myself. i questioned whether i could ever make a smart decision in my life to come, since every decision up until that point had lead me to complete misery. i had wrapped my self-worth in him and him alone. i had never felt so low in all of my life.

my anger kept building and building. i hated what he did, i hated putting up with it for so long. i kicked myself from here til next tuesday for staying after he said this, after she did that and so on. interspersed in all the feelings of betrayl, i also had to face all the times i had hurt others in the ways he hurt me. it was horrendeous. i wanted him to apologize to me, but i had no idea how to go about apologizing to those i hurt. i wanted him to admit every little thing. i wanted to know i was absolved of responsibilty. i wanted to hear that i did everything i could to save us and he threw it away. i wanted to be viewed as a martyer. but my guilt about my past was tugging at me.

enter the young boy. i finally have a friend. someone to talk to everyday. someone who understands hurt and being lied to. someone who i trust and who trusts me. he lives too far away and there's too much of an age difference, but still, he's the closest thing i have to a boyfriend, and it helps me enormously to no longer feel so alone. i shed my old friends realizing our relationships are unhealthy, co-dependant, disrespectful, etc. i am excited to let new positive experiences into my life now that i've finally seen the poison i was lugging around. however, this also reminds me that i was probably the same poison to ____ that my old friends were to me. i hated viewing myself in that light. better to harp on how mean and unfair everyone is and how honest and hard-working i am.

i fantisize about the boy and what our relationship could be. i knowingly push it along further and further even though i shouldn't because he is emotional and latching onto me in an unhealthy way. there is a measure of restraint on my end, but i wonder if i shouldn't just somehow nip it all in the bud.

other than this long-distance boy, my dates and hook-ups have been disgusting. nothing redeeming, admirable, exciting, fun. lots of alcohol and some drugs have led to grumsome displays of carnal messes, each one better left without bothering to pick up after, as if i was staying in one hotel after another so why make the bed or hang up the towel? the worst moments in all these months since the break up have been when flashes of ____ with other women pop in my head. it's like firecrackers in the middle of the night, they scare me so bad. i am so depressed at this point that i am the heaviest i've ever been. i hate how i look. all the constant crying and stress and anxiety have aged my face and all my hurt seeps through my eyes for all to see. i cannot hide my misery. i cannot pull myself up out of the pit of despair. it sucks. i fight feeblely so that i may survive another day without considering suicide. it doesn't always work. my thoughts are beginning to scare me. how will i at my age find friends, make money, travel, have a family, fall in love, look decent when i have so few resources and have given away so much. i had a hard time in my 20s feeling worthy and motivated. now in my 30s, i felt the complete opposite.

one day i have an epiphany. during one of my many conversations with the boy, i'm considering the possiblity i may need to change the nature of our contact, otherwise i'm sure to lead him on and on, and hold myself back, which would enivitably lead to nothing but hurt. i push the thought away as usual. it comes up all the time. but then my roommate wants me to smoke a bowl and is very insistant. while still on the phone, i take a bong hit and immediately fall into the heaving, crass coughing that will get me so fucking stoned. too stoned. sure enough, while listening to ______ on the phone, i am overcome with perspective. i can't get away from him soon enough.

anyway, the horrible things i do? i rage with all the wrath i can muster against those that have hurt me, convinced i am innocent and they are evil. liars through and through, and i did no wrong, i deserved nothing but praise, yet received the oppoiste. then, low and behold, i find myself in exactly the same situation on exactly the opposite side. so i berate those that made mistakes in trying to care for me, and i abandon those that wanted me more than i wanted them. i lead on everyone hoping they think i feel the same as they do so they won't leave. i ignore that nothing is forever, and that sooner or later i will be on one end or the other. i stand up on that self-made pedestal instead and preach and cry and yell and shake my fist in the air for all passing by to see. my attempts at self-deception leaves wounded men in my wake, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself they are mere annoyances.

i am a fucking bitch-ass-cunt. i hate me.

he doesn't hate me

2009-10-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

_______ DOESN'T HATE ME. HE WAS SO SWEET AND KIND. I LOVED LISTENING TO HIS VOICE. I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK AT HOW HUMBLE AND CLEAR HE WAS IN HIS MANNER. HOW UNASSUMING AND STRAIGHT FORWARD. HOW HEALTHY. HERE WAS A MAN I CONSIDERED THE WORST DRUNK I HAVE EVER MET, AND NOW HE IS IN COLLEGE AGAIN, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR OVER 3 YEARS. HE DOESN'T DRINK AT ALL NOW... IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR. HE IS STILL AT THE SAME JOB. HE IS SO CARING. I MUST HAVE KNOWN HE WAS ALL THESE THINGS. I FORGOT. things were so bad for so very long between us.

WHEN I MET HIM, HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAD EVER SEEN. I MAY STILL THINK THAT. ____ IS ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL... or maybe they are even. IT'S HARD TO SAY WHO I LOVE MORE. THEY ARE BOTH RARE, exquisite BEAUTIES. I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE SHARED TIME WITH THEM. they both have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen in my life.

I SENT ____ AN EMAIL OF APOLOGY 2 DAYS AGO. NO RESPONSE BUT THAT'S OK. JUST LIKE I WAS WILLING TO WAIT AS LONG AS IT TOOK UNTIL _______ FORGAVE ME, THAT'S WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO WITH ____. OMG. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE I JUST SPOKE WITH _______! OF COURSE IT PAINS ME TO KNOW HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME. BUT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I WOULDN'T BE HAPPY WITH HIM IN THE LONG RUN. I JUST WANTED TO BELIEVE THINGS COULD STAY THE WAY I WANTED THEM TO. BOTH OF THOSE GUYS SAW THAT THINGS WEREN'T GOING TO LAST, AND BOTH OF THEM HAD TO DEAL WITH WANTING ME YET KNOWING OUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE UNHEALTHY.

OF COURSE THIS MEANS I NEED TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABILITY OF ____ FALLING IN LOVE IF HE HASN'T ALREADY. BOTH OF THEM ARE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN. BUT AT LEAST NOW, I KNOW THAT _______ DID LOVE ME, STILL HAS A PIECE OF ME INSIDE OF HIM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE REMEMBERS WHY HE WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HEARD IT IN HIS VOICE. HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T HATE ME AND THERE WAS PLENTY OF WRONG THINGS THAT HE DID ON HIS END AND THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD. HE APOLOGIZED THROUGH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. HE ALSO REASSURED ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK.

HE MENTIONED HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SEE A THERAPIST ONCE A MONTH. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. TO SEE THE STRIDES AND SUCESSES THAT HE HAS PERFORMED DURING THESE PAST FEW YEARS. INSPIRING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SO GLAD HE'S SOLID, BALANCED, AND HAPPY. HE SOUNDED GREAT, AND HE SOUNDED GLAD TO HEAR FROM ME. SO REASSURING. HE ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING, AND I SUMMED UP MY CURRENT PATHETIC SITUATION, BUT ADDED THAT I REALLY HOPE TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY one day... PERHAPS THROUGH TEACHING OVERSEAS OR THROUGH THE PEACE CORPS. AT THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS PROUD OF HIM AND HAPPY FOR HIM, AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, THAT I WOULD GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO BE AND I WILL GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT'S WHAT I WANTed. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD GET WHAT I WANT... IN THAT MOMENT, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE TO EVER HAD ENTER MY LIFE SHOWED ME HE BELIEVED IN ME. SOMEONE THAT HAD OVERCOME ODDS JUST AS AGAINST HIM AS ANY AGAINST ME. AND HE FORGAVE ME.

how much longer?

2009-09-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

i've got this crazy idea in my head that my ex misses me and is really sorry and wants things to be smoother between us and for both of us to apologize and that he is lonely and alone and so on and i'm fucking crazy. there is no way his life is even half as pathetic as mine. i am too heavy, i have almost no friends, my family however loving is a lot more lame than his, my looks are not as good as his, his sex life would have to be non existent to mirror mine, and he would need to have slept with only the bottom of the barrel these last few months. i am sure he is sleeping with a woman he loves, and if not that, women that are hot and want him. i have no one but a young boy thousands of miles away that is kinda cute, kinda smart, and really not extraordinary. my exes are all just ok. nothing special. the best thing about any of them is that they wanted to stay with me. none of them are doing anything special with their lives. in fact, most are fucked up and lonely and losers just like me. ____ used me. he never loved me as anything more than just a friend. he knew he would never stay with me. he was getting the most out of the situation he found himself in with me until something better came along. just like when my ex-friend _______ would make plans with me just because she had nothing else to do, but would cancel without hesitation at anything else at all. jesus. i really have been sinking sooooo low this entire time. i mean my whole life. when anyone that seems remotely incredible shows any interest in me, i immediately sabatoge it just to avoid them finding out what i feel to be inevitable... that i am worthless and lame and disgusting. i swear, at times like these, i am glad i have such an aversion to suicide instilled in me thanks to religion. if nothing else, i still have retained that even though my faith in god is gone. my father that never was. shit. shit. shit. i cannot believe that anyone that feels the way that i do right now ever felt better down the road. i wish i could find inspirational stories about woman like me who moved onward and upward, but i know any story however close to what i have in mind will have holes in it.

i miss being in love. i miss that serene feeling in his arms. i miss knowing that he is there, sooner or later. shit, i waited and waited for that prick, so sure that if only i waited long enough, he would be there. be there. i just had to wait. i didn't care how long. as long as he didn't tell me, 'there is someone else' or, 'i am not in love with you now, nor will i ever be', i could wait. funny thing is, both of those things were true, they were happening. he was too much of a coward to tell me, too selfish to let me go when he was so dependent on what i supplied him, and i was too scared to let myself see how i was really being treated. i wanted to live in the fantasy because the truth was too fucking scary. i was fucked no matter what. if he left, if he stayed. him staying only put off the inevitable. i see that now. i didn't want to believe that when he told me the night he broke up with me. i wanted to believe we could work it out. but he had no intention of making the relationship work the way in wanted it to at any point ever ever ever.

i can not stand how much better everyone he knew was than me. the only ones that were not better than me were the ones he fucked before me that still wanted him and he still wanted their attention. i swear, out of the dozens of people who i met through him, only a handful considered me worthy of breath.

i want to be loved. i want to love myself. i want to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, but i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

how much longer is this going to last???????????/

so good, so fucked

2009-09-26T17:52:00.001-07:00

i don't know whether or not i'm crazy. this film made me realize there's a good chance i am and always have been. there must be a reason i'm so alone. i'm no good at connecting. i'm off on my own. like the woman in this movie, i haven't done anything in my life that makes me special except how i'm defined by what i mean to my blood relatives. her identity is wrapped entirely in pleasing her husband and children. i do the same. i wouldn't mind just dying sometimes, except then my family would be sad. friends would be over it relatively quickly, but family would suffer due to how they'd see themselves as a result.

god, i hope everything i just said about my family is wrong. part of me knows i'm wrong, but part of me wonders just what if things really are that dismal. ugh. it goes back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. but it's worse than that... i more times than now think i DO know what's up, and that's when i REALLY get in trouble.

i'm so afraid i'll never be in love again. i'm so afraid i'll always pine for ___. i should have never ended up with him. it was all poison. i miss him every moment of everyday it seems. i wonder if i should move away from here afterall. i've stubbornly held out on even considering a change like that, because i'm concerned that it would only be a substitute for making more important, real changes. however, lately i'm wondering if i can feel free enough here in this town with all the reminders of my past nipping at my heels. christ. but shouldn't i face my past, my mistakes? would moving be quitting, escaping? shouldn't i perceiver despite the obstacles? or are these more like road blocks and i need a detour? i'm going to give it til the one year mark of the REAL breakup to give these thoughts any real credence.

anyway, in the meantime, it really sucks feeling like i'm crazy. it is sooooooooooo unbelievably lonely, oh fucking god. oh fucking god, i miss having someone to hold and someone to hold me. someone like ____. i wonder how he's feeling when he's with his new lover(s). does he love them more or less than he did me? it seems like the answer should be clear. it seems like he loves them more, otherwise, why leave me... but maybe my bad didn't outweigh my good, but my good is still stellar compared to their's? what i mean is, moments with me may be better than those with other woman since me, but overall, other woman are better than me because A)they have more in common and B) they aren't as fucking nuts and stupid as me. i don't know if anyone worth a damn will ever see enough good in me to help me with my faults, to stay in love with me despite them. i hate who i am, and although i keep trying to find ways to change that, a little everyday, there's the possibility THIS IS IT.

BLACKING OUT

2009-09-21T07:11:00.001-07:00

OMG. I HATE BLACKING OUT. HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. BEEN A FUCKED UP WEEK THOUGH. OH JESUS. I GOT SO FUCKING DRUNK TWICE. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO SEE SHOWS. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WAS ALONE AND DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE ANCHORING ME. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WASN'T ANCHORING MYSELF. FUCK. I MISS ______. HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO HAVE HIM ON MY ARM (OR ME ON HIS. WHATEVER). MAYBE I'D FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'D BE WORRIED AND NOT FEEL SAFE. MAYBE IF I FELT SAFE IT WOULD BE FALSE, AND THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE FUCKED THAN I AM NOW. ARGH. DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS ALL OLD, BORING BULLSHIT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I'M ALONE, THAT THIS PERSON LEFT, OR THAT PERSON SUCKS, OR ANY OF THAT. I DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK (GOING TO THE GYM). I DON'T LIKE HOW BROKE I AM (TRYING TO PAY OFF CCS). I DON'T LIKE HOW DRUNK I GET (HANGING OUT WITH BETTER PEOPLE). I DON'T LIKE HOW LAME MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE... WAIT A SECOND. THEY'RE NOT TOO LAME. IF I FEEL OK, THEN I SEE THEM AS BEING OK. ARGH.

I HATE THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE. SO EMBARRESSING. I HATE THAT I DON'T REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE END OF THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. INSTEAD I'M JUST GLAD I DIDN'T LOSE MY WALLET OR JACKET. JESUS. FUCKING CHRIST. AND MY HEAD HURTS. AND I CAN'T GET MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH ORDERS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ON TIME. I CAN'T GET INSPIRED ENOUGH TO DELVE INTO ALL THE RICHES AT MY DISPOSALE. I NEED TO FIX UP MY PLACE SO I LOVE BEING THERE. JESUS, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TIME WHEN I'M ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED. ALWAYS SO FUCKING LONELY. ALWAYS SO SELF FUCKING CONSCIENCE.

I MISS ______. HE'S SO TALL, I CAN'T WAIT TO LAY IN THE SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TORSO, WHILE HE LAYS HIS ARM AROUND ME. I CAN BURROW AND SNUGGLE, AND HE'LL LAY THERE SO STILL AND SOMEWHAT STIFF, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, BUT PATIENT AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH IN HIMSELF THAT HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, I KNOW IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD, I'LL BE SO RELIEVED. I'LL BREATHE EASIER, AND I CAN HIDE FROM ALL THE REST OF THE BULLSHIT FOR AT LEAST A LITTLE WHILE. OH, I JUST HOPE THAT DAY DOES COME. I MAY BE MONTHS AND MONTHS. AND BY THEN, WILL IT ALL HAVE CHANGED? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS EVERYDAY LIFE TOO CLEARLY. I DON'T WANT HIM SEEING MINE. I NEED THIS. I NEED COMFORT. I NEED SIMPLICITY. FUCK. ARGH.

he is not mine

2009-09-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

____ does not belong to me. when i saw that woman flirting with him last week, i got really mad, just as much as when he was my boyfriend. i have zero claim to him now, yet i FELT like i did.

that's what bothering me so much about finding that ad yesterday... the person who posted it was wanting what i feel to be MINE. but it ISN'T! i have to let go. i have to let go. i have to let go. i spent so long holding onto him and swatting away woman after woman to keep my hold over him as safe as i could. then i got angry that he wasn't helping me keep my hold safe. i then swatted with venenge and anger and spite. i felt my hold on him slipping, so i became more desparate. i lived day in and day out knowing my hold was all but gone, and here were the swarms desending on us, tearing him away while the whole time my clinging was only pushing instead. then he was gone, and my spite has remained. i need to let it go. i am alone except for that spite. better to be alone without that than with. it serves no purpose. i have no control over the swarms now even if i ever did then. there is absolutely no way for me to keep him away from all of them. nothing that will convince him to decide to stay away from them and either remain alone or long for me. nothing.

oh yeah, and there's this...

2009-09-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

i should mention: i did well in school because i had something to prove to ______. i imagined showing him i did an amazing job despite him not supporting me or believing in me. then: i did well when i decided to throw my self into the lifestyle ______ introduced me once he left. i imagined his reaction to witnessing my creations, and made things with his opinions in mind. i wanted to show him i could be what he wanted now that it was impossible that we would ever be together again. now: i will keep in mind the discrimination and self-righteousness ____ displayed throughout my time with him, and i will mix that with what i know about him to be correct as far as his knowledge, taste, and education. i will surpass all that he has ever expected from me, and i will do so knowing that it is impossible that he and i could ever have an intimate moment alone ever again.

i know what i need to do!

2009-09-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

just like when ______ left me in 1997... i embarked on creating a certain type of art then, and have since become one of the best out there. i have since reached a height within that realm that i aspired to, and have since reached as high as he was in that scene if not surpassed it. that man introduced me to a world that was my salvation. it was just the fit i needed. i slipped in smoothly and all the time it took was nothing because the process was of as much interest to me as the goals i meant to reach.

now is time for my new life. before _____ i was part of a criminal, dangerous, thrilling, clandestine, dishonest lifestyle that would have killed me if i had not escaped and retreated. now i find myself in the same place. i will die if i do not find a way to suceed soon. i think i just may have just now. i considered continuing with school as a way to succeed, but something was gnawing at me... now i know why. school is a necessary means that can be enjoyable, but it is not the ends. i know what the end is: a QUILT. and all the quilts that will become before and after.

there will be a quilt, possibly even more than one, that will embody all the beauty i am searching for. i will reveal it, possess it... i will discover it and show it to the world, like it is king kong displayed and embrazened in the heart of the city fresh from the wild jungle. it will be a storm of wind and fire, sure to cinge the tips of each spectators perceptions of all they are ever to face after that moment the quilt hits them. all the wildness will be mine, until it begins to fade. and then i will possess something different, something more than i did before that day, and with that will continue to create beauty and destroy subjugation.

and this will be the realm for which i suffered with ____ for so long. i need to remember why i wanted him at first... ALL the reasons, not just the reasons why i needed him to stay in the end. i need to remember the reasons i wanted him in the beginning: it was because he was a craftsman, an artist, a student. it was because i wanted in to the world he was a part of. i wanted introduction and initiation through him. i spent moments aware that if nothing else, i wanted to use him for this purpose. i need to remember all that i learned as a result of knowing him. all the places we went, discussions we had, people we met, and lovely pictures and objects we saw... and how they improved my stance each time. how they fueled my ambition and inspiration. i need to strip away all the dust, residue, and grime that was splattered across and over the arsenal i was stowing away for another day. like a treasure chest left in a remote desert that is slowing being covered with blowing sand and in danger of disappearing from sight, i need to retrieve my treasure.

bigger

2009-09-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

I need to do something bigger. or just more of the same. i don't know. i know that things are not as i want them. i should have a better position in all things. i cannot keep surviving. it is sure to fail.

i need more comfort, more solace. i am burdened by everlasting turmoil and concern. always, constantly feeling like the water is up to my chin, past my neck... and it's rising. i always feel like that.

recently, there were times, moments when all was well. i was in a car. yes. that is what i need: a car. it is so impossible right now. luckily, i belong to a gym. i have a therapist. i'm trying to hold on to 2 therapists, but that is feeling like more of a burden than not right now. i have family. i have a job. i have a house.

what i would like to see gone is the cat that is at my house. i am tempted to rid it from there, but my roommate would be sad. i don't want to cause that kind of pain. i wish my cat were still around. or, i wish i knew what happened to him. i never will. the closest i can come is to construct a probable story, and believe in that. it sometimes helps to reduce or alieve the pain of the guilt and the longing, sometimes it doesn't.

i have someone i'm involved with. it could end at anytime, and there would be almost nothing i could do to stop that if it were his doing. i know that sounds self-evident, but to me it's a sort of a revelation.

just now, i caught myself thinking about my ex's view of me, or rather my perception of his view of me. i was holding his view of all things as being of extreme value compared to all that i know. this has to change. i think the way i can go about changing this is to remind myself over and over his view is one of many. it is not without value, however, there are others that are of more value. the more i learn about this world will lead to the sort of experiences and encounters that will show me these valuable perceptions.

i miss so many things that are now gone from my life since i am no longer in school. returning to school is up there with a car: impossible right now. possible later.

all i can do right now is: 1) go to the gym often. 2) stay in touch with ______ knowing that things could change for either of us in an instant. 3) clean and improve my house. 4) stay on top of my bills until i can start to demolish them. 5) keep myself open to new experiences and new people that will add to my life. 6) show up for work and do my job well. 7) avoid those persons, places, and things that cause me to only suffer in the long run.

hung up

2009-09-03T07:36:00.001-07:00

WOW. NOW I'M ALL HUNG UP. YET AGAIN. JESUS. I MUST BE THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT. DOESN'T MATTER. I AM JUST FEELING MORE NUMB THAN ANYTHING. I JUST HOPE I CAN NOT FEEL DEPRESSED. FUCK TRYING FOR HAPPY. I JUST CRASH. NO... I'LL JUST HOLD ON UNTIL SOMETHING BIG CHANGES. IF IT TAKES A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS UNTIL I SEE A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT, THAT WORKS. NOT LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE. JUST WANT SOME PEACE FOR NOW. YEAH. DONE WITH LAME BULLSHIT. DONE WITH REGRESSING... WAIT. THAT'S A LIE. I AM NEVER DONE WITH BULLSHIT. I CREATE IT WHENEVER I CAN. NO MATTER. I KNEW THIS WAS NO GOOD. NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED AND NEEDY AT THE SAME TIME. FORMULA FOR CLINGY AND ANNOYING. JESUS. DONE I GUESS. DONE. DONE. DONE.

do you really hope you'll never see me again?

2009-08-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU COULDN'T DO FOR ME THAT I NEEDED? YOU SAID YOU had LOVED ME AND THAT YOU WENT THROUGH PAIN WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT that is. WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED FROM YOU THAT YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME? PLEASE DON'T BE VAUGE. BE VERY SPECIFIC. EXPLAIN IT TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND I'M IN PAIN NOW BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW STILL.

AND DID YOU REALLY MEAN YOU HOPED YOU'D NEVER SEE ME AGAIN? THE MOMENT YOU TOLD ME, I KNEW IT WAS PROBABLY ENTIRELY TRUE, BUT I ALSO THOUGHT MAYBE IT WASN'T. MAYBE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. I FEEL LIKE IF IT WERE A CERTAINtY FOR YOU, I MAY BE BETTER OFF IF I BELIEVED IT AND KNEW THERE WAS NO CHANCE FOR CHANGE... IT MAKES SENSE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT IT THEN, AND THAT WOULD BE THE KEY TO SUCCESS FOR MY HURT. BUT I'M SO SCARED TO FACE THAT... I would have to face that my deeds and actions lead to this, that it isn't just your fault, that i could have done things differently, and now i don't know what to do. i would have to face that i did something horrible enough to run off a person i have loved and still love.

if i never get the courage to face my errors, i would then NEED FOR THERE TO BE A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU STILL HAVE A NEED ME, BECAUSE I HAVE A NEED FOR YOU THAT OTHERS CAN'T TOUCH. I'M AFRAID THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE, AND THEN I'LL BE SCREWED AND UNABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. I NEED ONE OF TWO THINGS. YOU TO STILL NEED ME AND FOR US TO RESOLVE THIS IN THE LONG RUN, OR FOR ME TO NO LONGER HAVE A NEED FOR YOU. I PREFER THE FORMER, WILL SETTLE FOR THE LATTER, AND WILL SUFFER IF I GET NEITHER.

i can't believe i actually saw you last night

2009-08-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

oh jesus, it was so incredibly good seeing you. having contact with you. i know we were going back and forth with pointing out what the other did wrong and defending what we thought we each did right. i know it was a fight, but it didn't feel like that. my emotions were so alive right then, just because i have MISSED you so much for so long, and now i had you there. it was safe... we weren't alone, it wasn't a surprise that we both happened to be there. it was a place we had stood together many times before, but not a place where we had been intimate.

you looked good. at the time, i didn't feel the urge to touch you or be touched, but remembering our interaction last night, my mind drifts into fantasies where you hold me, embrace me, and stare into my eyes while you run your hands over my hair, brushing it from my face, touching my skin softly with your finger tips while you make affectionate shh-ing noises and smile.

ah! that's all bullshit of course. at the time, i didn't even entertain such a notion. it was way more thrilling being in the midst of a battle of the old kind we're so used to. it feels like we're sharpening our blades on one another after eveyone else has left us dull. at least for me... i don't know with certainty that you hold me in a place higher than most like i do you. i do know that my gut tells me i'm just one of many for you... one of many women you'd like to fuck, one of many woman who make you laugh, one of many women who fit your 'type' (which, unsurprisingly, looks just like your mom), one of many woman who come somewhat close to your intelligence. it kills me that i'm not nearly as special in your book as you led me to believe. you fucking liar.

anyway, i woke up feeling great today. i could say it's because i finally was able to show you a bit of what it is like when i call you out on every bit of your game-playing, manipulative, dishonest, monster-like behavior, but that's not the whole truth (in other words: an 'omissive' lie... look it up). instead i have to admit that i woke up feeling great today because i love you. 'i love you' doesn't really cover what it is i mean, but suffice to say it had more to do with feeling a rush of relief and pleasure with you in my presence than not.

you said things like 'we can never be friends again', and 'i hope i never see you again'. and i agree... to a point. because never is a word that never really works, you know? i think i'll always believe there's a chance we can resolve what there is between us. i just don't find it at all likely. and the biggest reason is: your insincerity. even if you were to embark on trying to rebuild something of any form what so ever with me, it would only be to feed your fucked up, twisted, sick ego... to add me to your ever-widening harem of exes you like to keep strung along. it would have nothing to do with true remorse.

you mentioned feeling regret and remorse over some your actions... but i don't believe that. you're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you couldn't indefinately get away with it. you said you really loved me. i wish i knew that were true. you say that, but you didn't show me that! don't say it if you're not going to show it! don't say you loved me after all the shit you did to me. break up with me, fuck me when you know i want you back, but you don't want me still, get back with me anyway only to leave me the first time it looks like you don't have to be alone again because some dumb ass girl doesn't yet see you for who you are and is buying into the facade your putting up. don't say you love me, you fucking liar. love is reserved for people who TRY.

may december

2009-08-21T15:22:00.001-07:00

OK, SO I'M INVOLVED WITH A TWENTY YEAR OLD. IT'S KINDA AWESOME AND KINDA DISTURBING AT THE SAME TIME. THAT'S GOOD. THE FLIPSIDE WOULD BE IF I WERE TOTALLY SHAMELESS AND WAS BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE WITH A WORKING EAR, AND THINKING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "IT'S LOVE", OR "I'M GOING TO DEMI MOORE HIS FINE ASS". THAT HAPPENS TO BE WHAT MY 40 SOMETHING SISTER IS DOING (I'M 30 SOMETHING... THE BOYS ARE OF COMPARABLE AGE).

IT'S FUNNY... HER AND I BOTH END UP WITH A WAAAAAAAAAAY YOUNGER GUY AT THE VERY SAME TIME. THE TIMING COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME. JUST WHEN MY THOUGHTS WERE TURNING TO UNREALISTIC FANTASY, AND I STARTED ENTERTAINING CRAZY IDEAS INVOLVING COMMITMENT AND FULFILLMENT, HERE COMES BIG SIS ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, WRECKING HER LIFE, HER SONS' LIVES, AND WITH NO SIGN OF LETTING UP. SHE IS just ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THE MANY INFLUENCES IN MY LIFE THAT HAS MADE MISTAKES AND NOT LEARNED FROM THEM. I REFUSE TO BE THAT OBLIVIOUS. TRUE, I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M NOT A GENIUS, BUT I WON'T LAY DOWN AND PRETEND TO MYSELF THAT I'M RETARDED JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO INDULGE SELFISH, PSYCHOTIC WHIMS OVER AND OVER RATHER THAN SEARCH FOR THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM BUILDING TRUST UPON RESPECT AND MUTUAL, HONEST AGREEMENT (AND NO, I'M NOT BEING NAIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)

a fucking lie.

2009-08-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT MYSELF FOR HOW HORRIBLE I LOOK. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I AM OLDER AND MY FACE HAS WRINKLES AND IT HANGS THE WAY IT DOES. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I'M JUST NOT THAT PRETTY AND MY SKIN IS NOT NICE. BUT TO LET MY STOMACH GO?!?!? AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUST. I MEAN, MOST 12 YEAR OLDS HAVE MORE THAN I DO. AND REALLY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT IS AN ISSUE IN IT'S SELF, BUT WHEN I HAVE A FUCKED UP CURVATURE OF MY SPINE THAT MAKES MY AMPLE ASS STICK OUT FURTHER THAN IT ALREADY DOES, AND WHEN MY STOMACH WILL NEVER BE CONCAVE FROM THE SIDE BECAUSE OF SAID CURVATURE, I CAN NOT AFFORD A HUGE STOMACH!!! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE HOW I ACT, I HATE HOW LITTLE I HAVE, HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE, HOW MUCH I'VE LOST AND LET GO. I FUCKING HATE IT ALL. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH THE WAY IT IS. I WANT TO FIND A HOLE WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS TO HURT ME OR REMIND ME OF HOW INEPT I AM AND HOW MEAN TOO MANY OTHERS ARE. BUT SHORT OF SUICIDE OR HERION, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. IT'S A LOT MORE FESIOBLE TO THINK OF ONE DAY GETTING A HANDLE ON MY GOALS, MY DETERMINATION, MY EMOTIONS, BUT IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DO THAT WHEN I HAVE LOSS AFTER LOSS EATING AWAY AT ME AND I SEE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT AND LEFT ME DOING INCREDIBLY WELL DESPITE BEING SELFISH AND MEAN. I AM JUST PLAIN STUPID, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT. I AM WORTH KEEPING COMPANY WHEN BEING USED, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FIND REAL JOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I SUPPLY NONE OF THAT. I AM DISGUSTING, I SHOULDN 'T BE HERE. I AM MERELY FOOD THAT OTHERS FEED ON SO THEY CAN GROW STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL. I FUCKING HATE THEM FOR NOT NEEDING ME LIKE I NEED THEM. I HATE THAT I AM NOT AS BIG AN ASSHOLE AS SO MANY OTHERS SO THAT I CAN BENEFIT FROM BEING ABLE TO WALK ALL OVER OTHERS AND ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE. I MOSTLY HATE MY EX FOR LEAVING ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I HATE MYSELF MORE FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN IN FIRST PLACE... LETTING MYSELF BELIEVE THAT I ONLY NEEDED HIM AND THAT IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE TO HOLD ONTO HIM IN MY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSTANTLY TURN A BLIND EYE TO HIS LYING AND CHEATING. I HATE NEEDING ANYONE OR ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ALIVE. I NO LONGER HAVE JOY OR ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER GOTTEN HAPPY ABOUT HAS BEEN A LIE. A FUCKING LIE.

clingy

2009-08-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'VE BEEN MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE... EITHER HANGING ONTO SOMEONE WHO WAS PUSHING ME AWAY ONLY TO BE DROPPED LIKE A BRICK EVENTUALLY, OR LETTING PEOPLE HANG ONTO ME WHEN I NEEDED WAY MORE SPACE THAN THEY WERE LETTING ME HAVE, ONLY TO BE DESERTED ONCE THEY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO HANG ON TO.

I'M GLAD TO BE RID OF OLD GARBAGE NONE OF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS WERE HEALTHY, THEY WERE ALL CO-DEPENDENT (clingy), AND NOW ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE FREE TO EITHER LEARN FROM THAT OR CONTINUE CO-DEPENDANCY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SAME FOR ME... NOW THERE IS ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON'T FILL ME WITH DREAD, ANNOYANCE AND HURT.

SO THAT'S A FRIEND...

2009-08-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

ALL WINTER, ______ WOULDN'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WAS GOING THROUGH A SUPER FUCKED UP DEPRESSION OF MY OWN, AND HERE SHE IS BEING CLINGY, NAGGY, AND ON TWO OCCASIONS, VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE. I WAS FIRM AND CLEAR WITH HER WHEN I DISCUSSED MY NEEDS AND FEELINGS, AND DID EVERYTHING TO VALIDATE AND SOOTHE HER FEELINGS WHILE STILL MAINTAINING AND ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

CUT TO SUMMER, AND NOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. HAVING A BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND AT THIS POINT, SO RIGHT THERE, I'M FEELING A RIFT. I NOTICE WHENEVER WE TALK ON THE PHONE, OR SEE ONE ANOTHER, HE IS EITHER THERE, OR SHE IS LONELY AND NEEDING TO BE WITH ME UNTIL HE'S AROUND AGAIN. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO HIM. I SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS, AND OF COURSE, THIS IS HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS WITH ____.

SO, I DECIDE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO TO BE DONE WITH AN OLD FRIEND. THIS ONE TOO HAS A BOY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON, JUST AN ANNOYANCE REALLY. THAT IS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE TON OF ICE CREAM THAT IS HER INSINCERITY, DISHONESTY, DISGUSTING CHARACTER. I REALIZED SHE WOULD BETRAY ME IF THE SITUATION PRESENTED ITSELF. SHE'S THE TYPE TO CHEAT WITH HUSBANDS, SLEEP WITH GUYS HER FRIENDS ARE HOPING TO HOOK UP WITH, ETC. SHE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT MONEY, SHE HAS INSULTED ME WITH NAME CALLING BEHIND MY BACK, SHE HAS FLAKED ON PLANS, ETC... SO I'M DONE. I TELL ______ ALL ABOUT THIS, AND THEN THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME; WHAT IF SHE WERE TO BE DONE WITH ME?

ANYWAY, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT IS HAPPENING IS I HAVE GONE WAAAAAAAAAY DOWN ON HER LADDER OF PRIORITIES. FIRST SHE NEEDS ME CONSTANTLY, THEN SHE DOESN'T NEED ME AT ALL. SHE LEAVES ME APOLOGETIC MESSAGES THAT ARE MEANT TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER RATHER THAN ACTUALLY RESOLVE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HOW I'M FEELING DUE TO HER ACTIONS. I CALLED HER CRYING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER NIGHT... AFTER LISTENING TO ME AND ACKNOWLEDGING HER END OF THINGS, SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE'D PUT ME A NOTCH OR TWO HIGHER ON THE LADDER. I MEAN, I'M NOT WANTING IT LIKE THIS PAST WINTER... THAT WAS UNFAIRLY TOO MUCH! BUT IN LIGHT OF WHAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT HOW 2 OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FRIENDS I'VE HAD ARE BOTH GONE FROM MY LIFE NOW, AND IN LIGHT OF ME BRINGING UP MY VIEW OF HER ACTIONS, I REQUIRED A NOTCH OR TWO, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE CONVEYED WOULD HAPPEN AS OF RIGHT THEN. 2 DAYS LATER, IT'S THE SAME SHIT. SHE'S TOO BUSY TO CALL ME BACK WHEN WE PLAN ON TALKING. SHE CALLS LATER, AFTER THE FACT, TO APOLOGIZE AND 'HOPE I'M NOT MAD'.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HER ALL OF THIS ANOTHER WAY. OBVIOUSLY, TO ME AT LEAST, I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HER NOW LIKE I WAS, AND DISCUSSING IT WON'T CHANGE THAT. SHE HAS LET ME DOWN, SHOWN HERSELF TO BE A HYPOCRITE, AND IF SHE EVER DOES NEED ME AGAIN IN ANY CAPACITY, THERE WILL EXIST A WIDENED RIFT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRANSVERSIBLE.

demands

2009-07-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

WHAT I WANT FROM ___:

TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO COME CLEAN WITH HIM AND APOLOGIZE SO I CAN POSSIBILY CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE, AND HE CAN KNOW THE TRUTH, BUT ONLY IF HE WANTS to really know the whole truth, AND ONLY IF IT ISN'T LIKELY TO BE DETRIMENTAL TO TELL HIM.

WHAT I WANT FROM ____:

TO QUIETLY NOT HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN, NOT CONTACT HIM, AND NOT BOTHER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK SO I DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE TO BRUISE MY EGO. THERE IS A LEVEL OF INTIMACY THAT BOTH OF WANT, BUT NOT WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND NOW IT CAN ONLY BE AWKWARD IF WE ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS. I WOULD PREFER TO NOT HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS, AND TO FONDLY REGARD EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAPPEN TO RUN INTO ONE ANOTHER. OTHERWISE, WE CAN DISCUSS THIS THE NEXT TIME WE MAKE PLANS TOGETHER. IF HE DOESN'T BRING IT UP, I WILL.

WHAT I WANT FROM _______:

I WANT HER TO GO AWAY. I DO NOT TRUST HER. THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY TIMES WHEN I HAVE FELT HER TO BE DISHONEST, OR INSINCERE. I HAVE WITNESSED HER BETRAY MARRIAGES AND FRIENDS, I HAVE CAUGHT HER IN LIES AT LEAST TWICE (THE MONEY, THE RIDE TO THE _____). I FEEL USED WHEN SHE NEEDS FAVORS AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS FAKE AND INSULTING WHEN MAKING EXCUSES. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL LIKE REMAINING A PART OF HER LIFE MEANS IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SHE PERFORMS SOME TRANSGRESSION THAT WILL BE NEITHER HIDDEN NOR SUBTLE, BUT INSTEAD WILL BE A DEVASTATING DISPLAY OF BETRAYAL, NOT UNLIKE THOSE I'VE EXPERIENCED FROM THE MEN IN MY PAST.

as for both ____ and _______; I DO NOT WANT TO BE MADE A FOOL OF, I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIED TO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE USED. RATHER THAN GO INTO DETAIL with people just so they can DISPUTE EACH POINT AS IF IT STOOD ALONE, I WILL LET them KNOW what MY GUT IS TELLING ME, and that is TO STAY AWAY. I WILL ACCQUIESE [?] TO THE FACT THAT I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I WILL ALSO DISPLAY MY INDIFFERENCE TO THAT FACT by alerting them to the fact IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST, NOR THE LAST TIME i've been wrong if that's the case, and i'd rather error in favor of me.

things will come up

2009-07-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

damned co-workers sending mass emails to everyone in the dept, thinking it's cute and harmless. little do they know one of those pictures is the exact same cartoon that my ex special ordered on a t-shirt for me once.

it was one of the gifts from him i returned in the mail along with his mixed cds and artwork he gave me. god i fucking hate what he did. i miss him so much, and it hurts relentlessly. i hate myself for digging such a big hole for myself... it's so hard to get out. i try to inch my way up and scale these walls to get to the top so i can get out, then a stupid fucking co-worker sends an unsolicited email with annoying cartoons telling everyone to "cheer up, it's friday!". i'll fucking cheer up once i'm out of this fucking building, dumbass!

done with her too...

2009-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

ok, so i'm done with _______. i have a gut feeling, i'm following it, i'm not down for discussion. i've felt this way about her for a long time. i don't trust her, i'm disgusted by her actions with others, and now she's obviously avoiding calling me and instead placating me with texts that mention how much she 'misses and loves' me. at first i was concerned about my lack of friends, but i now see holding onto her isn't worth it. i was then concerned about what other's would think since she's the one who's so much more social than i am, then i realized i don't give a damn what anyone thinks if they don't know my side.

i'm just tired of trying to hold onto scraps. i am surviving. i can prosper if only i stop setttling. i shouldn't give up any and everything. just shift my focus is all.

anyway, i have a ticket she's paid me half down for and some clothing of hers she probably wants. i'm going to have fun with blowing her off if she comes for either, and i'll have that much less hassle in my life if she doesn't.

one more thing; i'm pretty sure there's some connection with ____ here. that is about as disgusting as a betrayal as someone could pull on me. and from what i know about her and her actions with other men and women, friends and lovers, i wouldn't be surprised. hurt, sick... sure. that's why if i never talk to her again it's no different than how i feel about ____. i can never trust another word out of her mouth ever again. after not getting in touch with me after these past couple of days, i now see her more clearly than ever.

classic borderline behavior

2009-07-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

cnn: '...the classic borderline behavior is to feel smothered by intimacy whenever others come close and to feel completely terrified about being abandoned if they move back. A classic borderline move is to dump anyone who wants you and cling desperately to anyone who wants to get away from you.'

anyway, here i was worrying yesterday that ____ may end up liking me too much, and just today i freaked for a moment when i, out of a feeling of obligation, texted him about hanging out soon, expected him to put me on the spot as far as making the decision whether to hang out today or tomorrow, and instead texted he is busy and will call tomorrow. i mean, i'm thinking, 'what if he can tell i'm not that into him, and his ego is bruised, and he's distancing himself'. 'what if,' i thought, 'he thinks i'm a jerk because he's been so generous and nice, and here i am acting like a opportunist.' and so on and so on. jesus, if he calls tomorrow and is at all eager or happy on the phone, i'll swing right back to feeling trapped. i have some serious work to do. i'm just glad i know it!

i'm no longer emailing that jerk

2009-07-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

argh. i would love to be able to get through to that man. i loved him once. i would so easily be able to love him again if he were to try... i know there's something of value within him. no matter, too much has been said and done, and it's becoming less and less important that he know what is going on with me day after day. it's becoming more and more important to me to rediscover myself and my strength.

i am reading 'All the Pretty Horses'. pretty phenomenal. this struck me like a brick:

Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I'd always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it was always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals came easily.

btw: i forgot how good pink floyd is...

I GOT ME SOME

2009-07-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

OK, SO I WAS ON A MISSION. IT TURNED OUT PRETTY AWESOME. I WAS THINKING 'MAN', BUT ENDED UP WITH A 'WOMAN', AND OMG, IT WAS FUN. I WANT TO GO BACK AND DO THIS, AND TRY THAT... SHE WAS SO WILLING AND HOT. OF COURSE THE NEXT MORNING (IT WAS ACTUALLY AFTERNOON BY THE TIME I WOKE), IT WAS AWKWARD AND SLIGHTLY ANNOYING. I'M ASSUMING THAT WENT FOR BOTH OF US. WHILE WE WERE IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL, IT WAS EXCITING AND WE WERE DRUNK/HIGH. I KEEP RUNNING IT OVER IN MY HEAD, BUT RELIVING IT IS ALMOST NOT WORTH IT, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WANT IT TO BE SOON. WITH HER WOULD BE OK, BUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE NEW, SOMEONE IN ADDITION WOULD BE EVEN BETTER.

SO, I WAS PUSHY AND UNETHICAL... TO A POINT. I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT BEING HONEST THESE DAYS, BUT THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY FLAWS IN MY SYSTEM. I WON'T BOTHER DISCUSSING THEM. I AM HIDING FROM IT SO OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. NOT OUT LOUD.

I'M THINKING I'M ACTING OUT IN THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE WILL HAVE ME. I WANT TO BE DESIRED, I WANT TO FEEL POWER. I WANT PLEASURE. I WANT ENTERTAINMENT. THESE MOMENTS THAT I EXPERIENCE IN REAL LIFE AFTER SPENDING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT FANTASIZING ABOUT ARE MOMENTS WHEN I DON'T FEEL SO EMPTY AND THEY DETER REMINDERS THAT FULFILLMENT FOR ME IS STILL SO VERY FAR AWAY.

EITHER THAT, OR IT'S JUST PLAIN FUN ;)

extensive

2009-06-25T13:13:00.002-07:00

right now i'm spending all my money on going to see ____ and travel out east. i'm all about breaking even, but really i'm trying to get ahead. if i can't get ahead from making money at the shows, i need to find ways to cut expenses and make more money while i'm home. the reason being, i need to get out of the hole i'm in debt wise, otherwise i'm trapped in my job. if not this job i have currently, then another job. any job is a trap. i need to travel. i need to create. i need to not have a routine. it's killing my soul.

once i get out of immediate debt and out of default on my major loan, then i have options. my main goal is to travel extensively abroad. either many places all over the globe, or extended stays in remote places. ways i can do this are: save up, peace corps, teach english. it's not very important to me to have children or fall in love if instead not doing so allows me the freedom to see this world before i leave it forever. i have people in my life that i love, and anyone that would enter from this point on wouldn't be very much different from anyone i've already experienced. therefore, more loved ones would mean risking missing out on new experiences and happiness in return for redundancy.

on the other hand, there is a chance that a new loved one may blow away any relationship i've ever had before, and would be worth sacrificing the possibility of extensive travel. however, i find it unlikely that i would meet such a person while i toil away at my job while my soul leaks steadily down the drain.

want

2009-06-25T13:13:00.001-07:00

MORE FRIENDS
BETTER JOB
CAR
NEW BIKE
MORE VISITS WITH FAMILY
MORE CONCERTS
NATIONAL PARK VISITS
EXTENDED TRAVEL ABROAD
OUT OF DEFAULT
IMMEDIATE CCS PAID OFF
BETTER SKIN
BETTER SHAPE
BETTER WARDROBE
LESS ANXIETY
MORE CONFIDENCE
BETTER COMMUTE
READ MORE OFTEN
CHESS PARTNER
PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE
CLEAR OUT THE BACKYARD
CATCH UP WITH OWED PROJECTS
BACK IN SCHOOL
GREAT HAIRCUT/DRESSER

days

2009-06-23T15:56:00.001-07:00

I AM FINDING MYSELF UPSET AT THE IDEA OF _______ NOT GETTING BACK TO ME. IGNORING ME. DONE WITH ME. BUT I WASN'T THAT INTO HIM!!! I AM FALLING INTO THIS IDEALIZATION, AND I'M FALLING INTO THIS PIT WHERE I PRETEND TO MYSELF I WILL FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE AND LOVED IF I CAN SUSTAIN HIS ATTENTION. BUT THE THING IS, IF HE WERE TO SPLIT, THAT LEAVES OPEN THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMEONE I REALLY AM INTO. _______ IS PRETTY GREAT, BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN FACTORS THAT ARE LACKING. AND HERE I AM A WEEK INTO THIS GETTING ALL RILED UP! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I SHOULDN'T BE DOING MORE THAN GOING ON DATES.

ANYWAY, I COULD BE PRETTY WRONG ABOUT THIS WORST CASE SCENARIO IN MY HEAD, SO IT'S BEST TO WORK ON BEING OK NOT SEEING OR HEARING FROM ONE ANOTHER FOR DAYS AND DAYS IN A ROW. I REALLY NEED TO STRENGTHEN THAT. IT IS EXACTLY WHAT GOT ME ALL FREAKED OUT WHILE I WAS WITH ____.

resources

2009-06-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T STOP THINKING THAT AT EVERY MOMENT, I AM BEING ABANDONED. WHEN I DON'T HEAR FROM A FRIEND, I ASSUME THEY ARE DONE WITH ME. EVEN MORE SO WHEN IT COMES TO A GUY. I COULD HAVE SPENT A GREAT DAY AND NIGHT WITH A GUY, HAVING A LOT OF FUN, AND HE HAVING FUN TOO. THEN I THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE CROSSED HIS MIND SINCE THEN AND ALL THE REASONS WHY HE WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN. THEN I WONDER HOW I WILL EVER HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL BE DEPENDABLE AND LASTING, OR IF I AM DUE TO GO FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER, ONE MAN TO ANOTHER, UNTIL I GET OLDER AND LESS AND LESS OF VALUE TO OTHERS, UNTIL I AM ALL ALONE AND POOR AND HOPELESS, AND TOO COWARDLY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. AND I THINK, IF I'M DOOMED TO END UP LIKE THAT ONE DAY, WHY AM I EVEN HERE NOW? ANY ENJOYMENT I EXPERIENCE IS FLEETING AND IF ANYTHING, JUST MAGNIFYING IT'S LOSS ONCE IT IS GONE. IT MAKES ME WISH I WAS ALL RIGHT WITH JUST READING AND SEWING, READING AND SEWING... BUT I'M NOT. IF GOTTEN A TASTE FOR HUMANS. I'VE TASTED THEM AND NOW I'M HOOKED ON THAT CRAVING FOR THEIR COMPANIONSHIP, FOR THEIR MIRRORS AND THEIR TREATS. FOR THE RUSH OF BEING LIKE, WANTED, ADMIRED. I WISH I DIDN'T WANT IT. I WISH I WASN'T SO WEAK TO HAVE GIVEN INTO NEEDING PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE ALONE, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WITHIN.

swamp

2009-06-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, NOTHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN, IT IS FLEETING, PASSING. THOSE FEELINGS FELT ARE ONLY MOMENTS. OVERALL YOU ARE OK. YOU HAVE YOUR SOUL, YOUR STRENGTH. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS, AND YOU ARE NOT STRAYING INTO BLEAK, UNCHARTED WATERS. YOU ARE IN A WONDROUS SWAMP, AND YOU ARE ON A WELL WORN PATH. THE SURROUNDINGS AND CANOPY ARE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THEY ARE DAUNTING. AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO REVERE IT'S POWER AND SCALE, YOU WILL BE CARRIED ALONG AND SURE TO REACH IT'S REWARDING CLEARINGS AND TRIBUTARIES. THERE IS BLUE SKY EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER TO LOOK BETWEEN THE VINES AND BRANCHES AND NOT ONLY INTO THE DARK BARK AND CAVERNOUS BOTTOM DWELLINGS WHERE THE AQUATIC, UNFAMILIAR CREATURES LIVE AND THRIVE. YOUR PLACE IS AMONG THE FRESH, CLEAN AIR... AMONG THE TOWERING PILLARS REACHING TO THE TOP OF THE SKY ITSELF. YOU CAN GO THERE TOO.

damned

2009-06-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

as soon as i have sex with the guy, i know there isn't a spark. the next morning, i just want to be alone so i can sleep in peace, i can't stand the thought of cuddling. i really like this guy, but i'm not feeling more for him than friendship.

he doesn't call me and i don't think a thing of it. i know his birthday is in a couple of days, and i'm glad he took the hints i was dropping and didn't put either of us in the position where i would have to say no if he were to invite me out with him and his friends.

his birthday comes and i start to feel bad. 'should i have hinted he should invite me?' i thought. 'maybe he didn't want me there... it's not as if he for sure is missing me wishing i were there...'

now i want him to know it's up to him. i don't know what the hell i'm doing or what i really want. maybe he can be patient enough to put up with me until i see what's right, and maybe he already knows what that is. i call and leave a message.

a half hour goes by. and then another hour. and then the whole night. i cried softly to myself in my bed waiting for sleep. i fuck up no matter what i do. i'm doomed. good for no one, interested in no one. alone forever.

next day now... if he never calls me again it's best for him. i'm no good. i wouldn't be nice enough to him. i'm not a good enough person for a real relationship. all i really can handle is what it takes to remain distracted from the hell we live in for a few hours at a time.

home-wreckers

2009-06-18T12:32:00.001-07:00

i am freaked out whenever i see that bitch that is being hailed as most admired, feminist icon... she stole a man from another woman. at least, that's how it seems to me. i know that the man choose her. what i'm upset about is this... plain and simple jealousy. the man that leaves one woman for another is only doing what is best for him, which is what anyone should do. if there is lying involved, that is a separate matter. if the man was honest the whole time, then it's ok. if he lied and left the person he lied to hurt and alone, and is now happy with someone he likes better, god how that hurts!!! why does he deserve that? unless of course there is something the original woman did to deserve such hurt. does kidding and fooling one's self count? probably.

when _______ cheated on me and lied to me there were enough factors before hand that i should have dealt with. if i had, i would have averted certain disaster:

he wasn't answering my calls. he wasn't acting like he liked me. he wasn't into having sex with me. these were all behaviors that cropped up all of a sudden, totally different than before that trip where he met her. i asked him about it and he told me 'he was tired'. i shouldn't have believed him. when the day of the show came up and he didn't answer his phone, i should have prepared myself for finding out some horrible truth. i could have handled it differently. it all goes back to not having gotten reliant on him for emotional support. he was 9 years younger than me and all we did was get high and drunk. he was not someone i was interested in the first few months of dating, yet i settled on him later on because my real interest had moved away. i should have remained single and open to dating other people.

when i met ____ he put up dozens of warning flags, and i ignored them all, thinking i could change his mind. i was so afraid that if i did anything other than coddle him, he's disappear. that was true, but what i should have been more concerned with was that if i started out coddling him, he would always come to expect it and that he would take more and more advantage of me over time. i was wrong to think he would appreciate my generosity. instead he resented me for luring him into feelings of obligation. when i broke up with him after i realized he was carrying on with that cunt, i should have remained away. instead, i was already too deep after putting up with a dozen times prior over that first year when it was obvious he was lying about his feelings for other women. i allowed a disgusting excuse for an adult man into my realm and relied on him for feelings of trust, safety, and belonging. non of that would have happened if i hadn't allowed that other fucker _______ from convincing me to adore him through sheer persistence rather than attraction and admiration.

now here i am finally ready to begin dating again. i am sooooooo weary, so cautious. i cannot stand hurting or being hurt. i cannot stand the bullshit, the selfishness, the illusions. i cannot stand having to see my worst image reflected in those who need to feel better about themselves via using others. i cannot sleep at night if i become one of those people.

good person

2009-06-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

ok, so i finally hooked up with someone. first time since my ex, first time in 4 months. that is twice as long as the last time i went that long without sex while not being in a (long-distance) relationship. i didn't feel much of anything. it was fun, but i'm not feeling anything more for this guy than friendship. i wanted him gone in the morning, because i knew he liked me. i just wanted sex. god, i feel like an asshole. i shouldn't had lead him on like that.

anyway, now i have the feeling that i hurt him and he doesn't want to talk to me again. what is really bothering me about all of this is this is reminding me of how ____ treated me. but this is after 2 dates, not 2 years. i fucking hate him.

anyway, no more hooking up with guys that really like me unless i really like them. no more dates after that moment i realize i will never feel a spark. i am the kind of person that will not do the right thing by a person if i do not feel a spark. i will keep my options open and split at the first sign of a potential spark. fuck. honesty is the only way through all this. and not just telling the other person what is up, because they can and will lie to themselves. it means avoiding them for their own good. otherwise they set themselves up. that is what i did with ___ and he knocked me over (and would have knocked me up). i will not do that to another. i am a good person.

no, not this

2009-06-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

argh......... i am so stuck. i'm so unhappy with how things are. i hate this crap i read and hear about loving what you have instead of pining for what you don't. fuck that. i want what i want and i don't want to give up on it. shit, if i am settling for what is, how would i ever get to higher heights? who ever would? as much as i am grateful for those who i grew up with that are still by my side, i do not want to merely stay there and never venture out and try to suceed in more and more.

i know i'm being vauge. i hate being mean. i hate thinking that those i love and care enough are not good enough for me. shit. i thought i felt like writing, but really all i want to do is sleep.........

rejected. whatever.

2009-06-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

i went online and found an ad. a personal ad. i cringe as i write this. the same day i was waiting for an answer and getting all excited about the possiblities of the cutest guy out of the ads i saw responding to me, i saw my arch enemy cunt bitch asshole riding beside my bus on her bike with a smile on her lips and her beautiful hair blowing in the breeze. god i fucking hate her. i hate that my ex liked me because i reminded him of her, i hate how she tried to get him back right in front of me. more than once! and i didn't just walk away. i gave him the benefit of the doubt instead of making him prove to me he wanted me and not her. know why? i was afraid of the answer.

now here i am on the bus, barely maintaining my control over sliding hopelessly into oblivion, and that fucking bitch rides by while i don't have a decent bike, much less a car (like she probably does).

i know there are millions of people out there, and she is one of many, but ____ was the man i wanted, the one i wrapped myself up in, and she was the main fucking problem the whole entire time. she was the root of the gigantic weed that sprouted from day one. it grew branches and spit out leaves and sticky, gross flowers that looked like ugly insects. it was poisonious and in my way. it fucked up my whole yard and cracked my cement foundation. fucking cunt. i fucking hate her. i fucking hate what my ex did. i fucking hate that i haven't yet gotten past this.

it is about time that i find a better man, a better goal, a better life. fuck those assholes that kicked me while i was down. i hope they get the same 10 times over from someone they care about that then dumps them after they've been used and abused. they are shit.

oh yeah. the ad... he responded. seemed to really like me. i sent him pictures. no answer yet. funny. if he doesn't respond at all, i was rejected based on my looks, not my personality. and he's not that great. just the best of the fuck ups posting online.

my other involvment (if you can call it that) is a guy that i am 75% older than that reminds me of the ex that i used and lied to. god.

hi, it's me, i'm back

2009-06-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

lots and lots and lots going on. i feel better than i have in years. i still feel pretty low often, so i'm not all better, no sir.

i took a trip cross-country and caught some concerts and spent time with my family and drove for many miles and it was fucking fantastic. freedom from so much that had been weighing me down. i didn't have to commute on the mother-fucking bus watching the same bullshit denizens in the same bullshit neighborhoods walking past the same bullshit stores and restuarants. i didn't have to make the daily trek to the neighborhood down the street from where my cock-sucking ex-boyfriend lives and now fucks someone new and improved. i didn't have to see the same faces at work and at home and at the bar that i have been staring at for the past way-too-many years. i didn't have take anything into consideration regarding what the hell to wear on what day other than the weather and my own mother-fucking preference.

i spent time with people who accepted me as i was, without judgment, resentment, or condition. i didn't worry about who i was with or what i was doing, because i needed no justification... it was where i wanted to be and there was no where else i would have choosen at that moment. i had spending money, tasty food, the means of transport, a drink whenever i wanted, and the hillsides and interstates to sooth and inspire me.

anyway, now i'm back in my pit, but it doens't seem so deep anymore. some sludge must have seeped in and hardened, allowing me closer access to the top and more of a chance at getting the hell out of here. in fact, i have a fairly amazing idea for a totally new direction. i'm keeping it under wraps for now, but just having this possibility in my head is making all the inane, annoying, insulting, and derogatory behavior of those around me a bit more tolerable.

2009-05-29T08:23:00.001-07:00

NO ONE TO TALK TO. I HAVE FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS. THEY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT ANYTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US. I THANKS THE GODS FOR THEM. I AM TRULY HAPPY THAT I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY TO RELY ON AND CONNECT WITH AS WELL. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT? but I AM SO VERY UPSET THAT THERE ISN'T SOMETHING MORE THAT I CAN GET OUT OF ALL THIS. I SUPPOSE A MAN TO LOVE AND LIVE LIFE WITH WOULD BE NICE, BUT I KNOW THAT WOULD LEAVE ME FEELING FRUSTRATED TOO. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE ABLE TO LIKE MYSELF, BUT I DOUBT THAT'S EVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'LL ONLY REALLY BE SATISFIED IF I COULD ROAM AND ROAM AND ROAM... GET TO SEE PLACES OTHERS COULD ONLY DREAM OF. GET TO EXPERIECNCE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS THAT ARE SO VERY FORIEGN THAT EVERYONE I KNOW WOULD SHUDDER WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH SUCH HEIGHTS. INSTEAD THOUGH, I AM SITTING AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY 3 WALLS ONLY A FOOT IN FRONT OF ME AND TO EITHER SIDE. BEHIND ME EYES BURN HOLES IN MY BACK AND KEEP ME FROM WANTING TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT, FOR I'LL ONLY HAVE TO RETURN.

SHIT, I ATE A SANDWICH AND NOW MY STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY IS EATING ME? I CAN'T STAND THAT THERE WAS A MAN I LOVED, AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, IT WAS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER GIRL, ONE SO LIKE ME THAT I WAS SURE THAT I WAS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER, AND THAT HE THOUGHT OF HER DURING SEX, DURING EVERYTHING. HE THEN ALSO ENTERTAINED SO MANY OTHER WOMEN IN HIS MIND, IN HIS LIFE. HE SLEPT AT THE HOUSES AND EMAILED WITH THEM AT NIGHT WHILE I SLEPT DREAMING OF HIM. HOW I SUFFERED BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE! HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD, AND IT WAS TAINTED! NOTHING WAS GOOD THEN, AND IT IS ALLWORSE NOW. I SUPPOSE I COULD BE GLAD THAT I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I AM FREE TO START SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BETTER, BUT NOTHING IS BETTER. IS THAT THE BEST I WAS TO GET? ALL THE MEN I MEET NOW, ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I DO HAVE... I AM LEFT FEELING ASHAMED THAT I DO NOT LOVE THEM MORE. THEY ARE SO VERY KIND TO ME, AND I AM SO VERY HONEST WITH THEM, BUT DON'T I AND THEY DESERVE MORE?

never

2009-05-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

NEVER WILL I WANT ____ AGAIN. however, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT I COULD HAVE A CIVIL INTERACTION WITH HIM ON OCCASION IF HE WERE TO APPROACHE ME HUMBLED, APOLOGETIC, AND THROUGHLY AND CONSISTANTLY REPENTANT. EVEN THEN, I WOULD NOT COMPLETELY TRUST HIM TO BE HONEST WITH ME AT ALL TIMES ABOUT ALL THINGS. SINCE HE IS SOMEONE WHOM I HAVE FELT SO STRONGLY TOWARDS IN BOTH GOOD AND BAD REGARD, THIS LACK OF COMPLETE HONESTY AND TRUST MEANS THAT I would always FEEL LIKE I WAS ON GUARD OF MY VERY DIGNITY, SOUL, AND BELONGINGS WHEN I AM THINKING OF HIM OR IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

NEVER WILL I ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF SOME SORT OF RECONCILIATION WHEREBY HE WERE TO FORSAKE ALL OTHERS AND DECLARE HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO ME. THE TIME FOR SUCH AN ACT HAS COME AND GONE, NEVER TO APPEAR AGAIN. SOMEONE MAY ENTER INTO MY LIFE, AND THAT MAY BE THE PERSON I WOULD YEARN TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH AND NO OTHER. THERE IS NO WAY ON THIS EARTH THAT ____ COULD BE THAT PERSON NOW AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED.

JUST AS pertainent, THE CHANCES OF HIM COMING TO ME AND WANTING TO BE WITH ME ON ANY LEVEL WHATSOEVER IS PRACTICALLY NIL. SO WHAT IS LEFT IS THIS: I WILL NEVER WANT HIM, AND HE WILL NEVER WANT ME. IF EITHER HE OR I ARE TO BE IN A FULFILLING, LOVING, LASTING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, IT WILL NOT BE WITH ONE ANOTHER, IT MUST THEREFORE BE WITH ANOTHER.

sad all over again

2009-05-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

i should be happy. i kissed an incredibly cute boy last night and i really liked it. i really wanted to do a lot more than kiss, but he was being coy and then he was being cautious. i know he was attracted to me. i know he was every bit as into it as i was. but i still feel rejected now that i haven't heard from him. i called him today not long after i woke and left him a message. no call back.
there are many possible reasons why he hasn't called. it doesn't mean he's not interested. maybe he is, but there's something in the way. still, i get the feeling that i came on too strong, as if my excitement looked too much like desperation. maybe i'm acutally desperate, and i just think it's excitement.
anyway, i don't really have the right to get upset. i started out last night flirting with another guy who really wanted to hang out that night. at first i said yes, but then when i saw cute boy showed up, i told other guy some other time. he was persistent, so i said i'd call today. i never did. it seemed all right to consider him at the beginning of the night, but after the intensity of the cute boy and after running over in my head how his mouth and hands and body felt for those moments we were making out, i just couldn't settle for less right now.
anyway, i have been completely frustrated all day. i can't focus on work... mostly because i'm sad. i keep thinking about my ex and how he probably doesn't have to worry about being rejected at all these days. it's like he's got a line of women waiting for him. it's so unfair. or at least it seems that way. i had 4 different men last night pining for me. 3 of them i've known for a long time. the other one just that night. but the one i really went for didn't want to come home with me. didn't call me the next day.
i can keep trying to remind myself he may call later in the week, but my gut is telling me to forget about it and my self-loathing is telling me my ex is having sex and laying in bed laughing with and enjoying the new woman he likes so much better than me.
good thing is this: i haven't felt sexually hungry for months. i am now. i just needed a hot guy to look at and go for. i know there's at least one out there, there's bound to be more.

flipping

2009-05-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

i have been emailing my ex. i totally have a strong feeling that he's deleting them without reading them, so i am indulging in wild abandon rather than stifling every urge i have to contact him. for a while there, i was going slightly out of my way to try find him at the bus stop, but it felt really gross after a while, and i have since felt less of an urge to do that. so if emailing is a more proper vent, so be that rather than running into him and seeing a horrible look of recognition on his face when i come barreling around the corner and surprising him.

my hope is that if he is reading any of my emails, something inside him will click and let go. he's got this lock on what really happened, like it's in a safe and he'll never let me see it, even though it does belong to me as well. i spent over 2 years with him, and now i don't know what really happened in that time, and i don't know how he really felt about me, and i don't know who he really is. i don't care if the answer is the worst case scenerio... as long as there was a real answer. i just can't believe that all my memories are to be trusted. i know there's a possibility that i should just take everything at face value, but my gut isn't buying it. my hope is that a glimmer of guilt directs him into addmission and repentance. i know he's way too guarded for that to be a reality. he has years and years of fighting the church and his own family in the very same way. he won that battle with them years ago and they are just happy to have him in their lives, lying or no lying.

i couldn't do that. i have a choice of who i spend my love on. they on the other hand couldn't choose their son/brother/cousin/newphew. i couldn't justify looking the other way indefinitely. and now i can't justify letting the truth fall by the wayside. of course, i am going about this in the wrong way. if i were more clever and patient and cunning, i could coax it out of him over time. but my strong emotions flipped the fuck out, and all i can do now is spew, spew, and spew into his inbox and slowing and surely empty all this toxicidity out of my system over time. i want him out of my head just like he is out of my life.

what a huge mistake it was to believe in him. i believed the bullshit. i fooled myself. now i have to undo all these fucking knots i tightened. bastards.

i know what i want

2009-05-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

to NOT THINK ABOUT ____

INTERESTING, SMART FRIENDS

to become a better listener

to DRINK less overall

to be BACK IN SCHOOL

a CHALLENGING JOB WITH admirable PEOPLE IN GOOD AREA WITH a DECENT COMMUTE

to PAY OFF ALL CCS

a GREAT ROAD BIKE

a RELIABLE CAR

to CLEAR out the BACKYARD

to PAINT the whole HOUSE

to get in BETTER SHAPE

to go HOME FOR CHRISTMAS every year

to TRAVEL ABROAD

an HONEST BOYFRIEND

GREAT CLOTHing

to TAKE CARE OF my dad's last days and afterlife

good things do happen

2009-05-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

whoa. good things do happen to good people. doing the right thing and following one's gut pays off! it's not just the assholes and liars and theives that get what they want. i'm not a sucker! lately, it really has felt like the more i trust and hope, the more i'm fooling myself. but that's not so. it's like this: 1) don't give away one's trust, but rather know there are those in the world deserving of it and save it for them. 2) it's ok to do the right thing. the most important consequence is how your conscience feels after the fact. if you get something for nothing, and it costs someone else who doesn't deserve to have to pay, then step up. otherwise, you'll end up paying in the long run in addition to that unfortunate, used soul you fucked over. and don't worry about things not working out if you're honest. you need to be honest no matter what happens in the short run. it takes courage to face the unknown, and it takes humility to deal with outcomes as they are. the reward will be a lesson well learned and future situations well-lived. 3) to get what you want in this life, one need not lower themselves to the level of the sick sociopaths who are capable of cutting off all human emotion. they suffer in ways that you could never dream, so do not envy their shortcomings. their benefits are shallow and will only breed cesspools of more sickness down the line.

so what i want to know is, "if good things do happen to good people, is it ok to still have a part of you that wallows in the enjoyment derived from hoping bad things happen to bad people?"

needy

2009-05-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

I AM SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE BRIDGES I'VE CROSSED AND BURNED:

_______ - I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH ME. PUTTING ASIDE WHAT I DID WRONG, HE WAS CRUEL TO ME, AND IT IS BETTER TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS HIS. HE PROBABLY HAS A GOOD LIFE, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HAVE THE SAME.

___ - I SHOULDN'T HAD GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM. I WAS REALLY HORRIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT I ALSO DID A LOT TO PROTECT HIM FROM FUTHER INJURY, SO I AM NOT COMPLETELY EVIL. ALL THAT I DID WRONG IS DONE AND GONE, AND ALTHOUGH I AM UPSET THAT HE WON'T TALK WITH ME, I FEEL TO ASHAMED TO TALK WITH HIM. IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT HE LET ME WALK ALL OVER HIM ONE TOO MANY TIMES. THE COMFORTING FACTOR IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE DESERVING, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, NO LONGER SUBJECT TO MY SELFISHNESS. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, LEARNED FROM THEM, AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND RELISH IN MY NEWFOUND INTEGRITY.

_____ - I WAS RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED WHEN IT CAME TO HOW I TREATED HER. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT HER GOOD FORTUNE IN CERTAIN AREAS MEANT THAT SHE COULD, OR SHOULD, TAKE ON MORE HASSLE THAN SHE DESERVED. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS UNREALISTIC AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE AND VERY ANGRY. WE DID SHARE A BOND BASED ON POSSIBILITIES IN THE BEGINNING, BUT THEN DRIFTED APART. I DON'T MISS HER MUCH, I MOSTLY REGRET HAVING BEEN MEAN AND MISGUIDED IN MY ATTEMPS TO BE A HALF-ASSED FRIEND. NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO NEEDY AND IN ADDITION, I SEE THAT WHEN SHE WAS ENTERING A BAD SPOT IN HER LIFE, I HELD ONTO WHAT WAS WITH HER RATHER THAN SEEING WHAT WAS. I DO FEEL LIKE I DID QUITE A LOT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS TO BLAME, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE WAS ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL. IT'S OK WE DRIFTED, IT'S OK WE'RE NOT IN TOUCH, I JUST REGRET LEAVING A MEAN 'BREAK UP' MESSAGE, AND NOT REELING MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW I WAS STARTING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.

_______ - IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WITH HER, AND IT IS STILL TOO FRESH TO REALLY FIGURE OUT IF IT COULD BE DIFFERENT (BETTER) AT THIS POINT. ON THE ONE HAND, I TRIED TO BE PAITENT AND COMMUNICATIVE BUT SHE WASN'T RECEPTIVE. ON THE OTHER, I WOULD INTERJECT TOO MUCH AND I DID LOSE MY PATIENCE AND LASH OUT AT TIMES. HER AND I ARE ONLY ADDING TO ONE ANOTHER'S NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GOOD TO BE FREE OF OBLIGATION TO HER. HOWEVER, I HATE TO THINK SHE IS AVOIDING ME NOW OUT OF ANGER, SHAME, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY, AND I NEVER AGREED TO THAT INTENSE OF A RELATIONSHIP.

____ - THAT WAS A MISTAKE FROM THE BEGINNING. I KNEW HE WAS SHADY, SELFISH, DISHONEST. I KNEW I WAS CLINGY AND NEEDY AND I THOUGHT I COULD WEIGH EVERYTHING SO IT BALANCED. WHEN I FIRST BROKE UP WITH HIM, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A WAY SO I COULD HAVE STUCK WITH IT, BECAUSE SINCE THEN, NOTHING EVER FELT LASTING OR SAFE. THE PROBLEM WAS I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE LOOSING HIM, AND I KNEW I WOULD RESORT TO ANYTHING AT ALL TO KNOW I DID ALL I COULD. INSTEAD, I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND NOT SUBJECTED MYSELF TO FURTHER HUMILATION. HE DID TO ME EXACTLY WHAT _______ DID, AND THE COMMONALITY IS THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SET MYSELF UP BOTH TIMES. I SHOULD HAVE REELED MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW MYSELF GETTING JEALOUS AND NEEDY. IF I AM STRESSED TOO MUCH, THERE ARE CHANGES THAT I NEED TO MAKE, RATHER THAN DEMANDING THEY MAKE THE CHANGES. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT I WOULD NOT WIN WITH ____, AND LEFT HIM BEFORE HE INEVITABLY LEFT ME. HOWEVER, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR NOT HAVING DONE SO, BECAUSE I ONLY FEEL THIS CERTAINY IN HINDSIGHT. I HAD FALSE HOPE THEN, BUT AT LEAST I HAD HOPE. I KNOW I TRIED, AND THAT I WAS LIED TO IN THE END. ALL THE SELF DELUDING I IMPOSED ON MYSELF IF NOTHING ELSE TAUGHT ME TO NEVER FOOL MYSELF AGAIN THAT A MAN LOVES ME UNLESS HE SHOWS ME HE DOES. NO MORE EXCUSES FOR THEIR FRAIL VULNERABITIES AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. IF I NEED SOMEONE THAT IS THAT SICK, I NEED THEM TO BE IN TREATMENT, OTHERWISE I NEED THEM OUT OF MY LIFE UNTIL THEY ARE.

I LET PEOPLE CHEAT ON ME, LIE TO ME, BECAUSE I DID SO TO ____ BACK IN THE DAY WITH ____ , BECAUSE I WAS SO SURE GUYS DIDN'T REALLY WANT ME THAT I'D LATCH ON TO NEW ONES, THEN THOSE SAME GUYS THAT DITCHED ME LATER BLAMED ME TO SLEEPING AROUND... AND I BELIEVED IT! MY GUILT ALLOWED ME TO BE SO VULNERABLE. LATER, I LET _____ TO WHATEVER BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORK AND ALL THE YA... EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE MEAN GUYS WHO USE ME, AND I AM MEAN TO NICE GUYS WHO I RESENT FOR NOT BEING CLEVER ENOUGH TO FIGURE ME OUT.

THIS IS WHY I AM SINGLE NOW. THIS IS WHY I NO LONGER HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I AM REBUILDING HONESTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP. I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYTHING OF VALUE BE BLOWN AWAY IN A WHIRLWIND OF MY DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS. I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE CONDITIONS THAT ARE RIPE FOR CREATING SUCH MALSTREOMS ANYMORE.

getting better everyday

2009-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

tesla rules.

surprisingly, i got a lot done today. i say that because in the middle of it all, i realized that for week after week my saturdays were filled with only 1 or 2 things attempted and hours and hours in bed either recovering from a friday night hangover or not being able to tear myself away from hulu in fear of having to think for two seconds.

today's sunshine and heat were motivators, as was the fact that i have an upcoming trip out of town and i need to do soooo much. but more than that, i am getting more and more used to the way things are. and i also think i am getting a clearer idea of HOW things are. with me. i spend a lot of time trying to figure out ___, but i don't spend as much time on my own motivations and patterns.
anyway, it's all getting better. if i know anything, it's that extrapolation would mean that in a week, it will be even better, and in a month, way better, and in a year, all better.

but... in the meantime, i fucking miss him and the scariest thing now is that he may never talk to me again. it seems so unfair that i couldn't control myself and not burn that bridge. i should have had the strength to ignore him instead of alienating him so i wouldn't have recourse if my urge to contact him got to be too great. i just hope that one day, when these urges have passed, i can run into him and he won't hate me, or be afraid of what i may do, or feel way too much shame or guilt so that he avoids me.

i don't know how to do my part in this quite yet. i know the only absolute i can prepare for is that i need to accept if in fact we never talk again. shit, he could be madly in love already, be feeling things for another woman that he would have never felt for me. he could be moving in with her, making plans for the future, or sure that she is the mother of his children. why would i want to run into that!!!???? preferably, i want to have things and people and plans in my life that outshine anything that had or would have happened with him. but right now, that's not how it is. everything is still musty, grimy, and dark.

cunts

2009-05-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

i need to stop wondering what happened. i need to stop wanting to contact him or anyone that knows him or knew him. i need to keep it simple. i know he lied to me. i know he emotionally cheated on me. i know he went out with other women and that they weren't just friends. i know that he broke up with me because he met someone else. i know it is likely he slept with someone else... or numerous someone elses. it could have been his roommate the entire time he lived in the house share. they could have dropped in on each other's rooms on nights no one else was around and i wasn't staying there. i did find women's clothing in his room at least once.
it could have been his ex-girlfriend. she actively pursued him while we were together and i finally knew that with certainy after about a year. before that, she crashed at his house one night when i was there, seemingly just because she was in the neighborhood for the monthly fair held every summer, but maybe there were more times she dropped in when i wasn't there.
i'm getting sick going into this detail. i know either these specific things happened, or things similar and just as horrible. oh, how i want him to tell me what they were!!!! i am obsessed with wondering, wondering, wondering. when does it stop?! i need to stop it. i don't know how yet, but perhaps the first step is completely accepting I WILL NEVER FIND OUT, HE WILL NEVER TELL ME, I CAN NEVER DISCOVER THE TRUTH, THE CUNTS HE FUCKED WILL NEVER TALK.

glad

2009-05-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

GLAD I WILL NO LONGER ACT OUT OF OBLIGATION RE: _______. I DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING, AND THE MORE I GIVE HER, THE LESS I LEAVE FOR MYSELF.

GLAD I WILL NOT SEE _______ AGAIN. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HIM AS MORE THAN AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO LEAD HIM ON FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.

GLAD I WILL NEVER ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A FRIENDSHIP WITH ____. ALTHOUGH I KNOW HE CAN BE A GOOD PERSON, I KNOW ODDS ARE HE NEVER WILL BE.

GLAD I GOT IN TOUCH WITH MY DAD. IT IS SHOWING ME THAT I DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING AND THAT I AM NOT CAUSING HIS DISTRESS, HE SET IT UP FOR HIMSELF.

GLAD I AM IN THERAPY AND NOT ACTING OUT ANYWHERE LIKE I USED TO. IT IS NEVER TO LATE TO IMPROVE, AND THERE IS ALWAYS MORE TIME AHEAD IN WHICH TO SUCCEED.

GLAD I HAVE THE LIVING SITUATION I HAVE BEEN STRIVING FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS. GLAD THAT I HAVE FREEDOM AND ENOUGH SPACE TO CREATE.

GLAD I AM STILL CLOSE WITH MY FAMILY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO STRENGTHENING THOSE BONDS IN THE YEARS TO COME. IF NOTHING ELSE, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM.

GLAD I DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN NOW, AND AM OK WITH NEVER HAVING A CHILD. I KNOW THERE ARE NUMEROUS PATHS OPEN TO ME IF I AM ON MY OWN.

you're not there

2009-05-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

i really have the strongest urge to contact you. but i know 1) you lied to me. when we were together, you were carrying on with exes and you had one foot out the door and your eye on whatever was to come next. you knew you weren't in love with me, but you wanted to stay with me for as long as you wanted, and you knew you were making it worse for me, because you knew i was in love with you, but you would lead me on because in those moments, it felt good. this is why i don't think you're a good person. this is why sometimes i wish i never met you. your level of selfishness is such a force of destruction for me. you tore me down so much that now i feel like i can't even stand up without help, and i want to lean on you. you hurt me, you lied. what makes all of this so much worse is to think that you are probably happy with a new girlfriend who doesn't put up with your lies, so therefore you are good to her in all the ways you should have been good to me. jesus, you didn't have to stay with me forever just because i wanted you to, but you should have not used me!!! you shouldn't have lied!!! you shouldn't have defended your bastard friends and exes when they treated me like shit! i shouldn't have stayed with you beyond that first week, but i was so afraid of being alone, and you were so beautiful and interesting. i thought you would learn to apprieciate me, but instead you learned to take what you wanted and justify it all. i am so lonely. it is killing me. i have no one in my life that i'm proud of except for a few distant relatives that don't have a lot to do with me. my cat was with me for years. it was me and him. and he's been gone for a year this month. fuck. i have roommates that are strange, i have a house cat that is strange. co-workers, old aquaitences, people i see on the bus, guys following me around hoping for a date or a kiss. it is all lame and strange. i look in the mirror and that's the worst of it all. i don't look good. my insides are streaming through. i hate it. i don't know when i'll ever feel the joy i used to feel with you. i know i can, i know i probably will, but when? what are the odds? i wish you hadn't lied to me. i miss you so much, but it is impossible to have a conversation with you ever again. i just wish i knew whether you hated me. i know you don't use words like 'hate', but i know what feelings you use, and you can call it whatever... i just don't want you to feel that way about you when i still miss what we had so very much.
i have lost others in my life and eventually moved on. it will happen with you, but when? to what degree. i wish you hadn't used me. it would be a waste to wish i had left you sooner, because i was way to sick to do so. the healthiest thing i can do now is have no contact with you. you're still sick and you may always be. it is such a waste and a shame.

i get it!

2009-05-12T10:46:00.001-07:00

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. MAYBE I'M FEELING BETTER TODAY BECAUSE I AM EXPERIENCING WHAT MY EX MUST HAVE GONE THROUGH. I HAVE SPENT MONTHS AND MONTHS NOT GETTING IT, NOT REALLY UNDERSTANDING HOW HE COULD HAVE LOVED ME, YET STILL LEFT ME IN THE END. AND TO GO ONTO SOMEONE NEW! I JUST DIDN'T GET IT. BUT NOW... I AM STARTING TO REALLY AGREE WITH WHAT HE DID. IN A LOT OF WAYS, HE MUST NOT HAVE HAD A CHOICE. OF COURSE, THAT END OF THINGS DOESN'T DO SHIT TO EXPLAIN AWAY THE LYING AND CHEATING... THAT'S JUST PLAIN SELFISH COWARDICE... BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HIM NO LONGER BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH MY ISSUES AND BEHAVIOR. I GET IT!

being abused doesn't help me feel better

2009-05-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

ok, so i'm at this point where i'm sick of the shit my friend is pulling. i mean, i know exactly what she is going through, and i understand why she is acting out and she has good reason. i want to be there for her and not desert her in her time of need. but i am sick of this shit!

she is abusive. i may be annoying and rude, and i acknowledge that and constantly try to improve myself and shed my faults, but she is downright using me as a punching bag, and i want to remove myself from her wrath.

this is the same friend that has been an issue for me because so much of her personality seems to mirror those things about me that i don't like in myself. it is hard to deal with that a lot because it brings so much rushing to the surface that gets me so anxious and depressed.

in an effort to thwart this anxiety and depression that has been bubbling within me more and more over the years, i am in therapy. i know there are deep issues i need help with if i am ever going to be a happy, productive, enjoyable, respectful friend, colleague, or partner. there is a lot about myself that i don't like to look at, that i have avoided for years and years. now i have someone sympathetic, objective, and that with clear boundaries to help guide me through this work that i am doing.

in my estimation, my friend would benefit greatly from the same kind of help. instead, she is dumping too much on her friends. as far as i know, friends are supposed to be there to lend an ear or give advice when asked, but they are not to be expected to be yelled at or witness to throwing of objects across the room or slamming of hands in anger on the table right in front of their face (ok, she didn't throw anything... my ex did... but it all falls into the same exact behavior. it is violent and scary).

so here i am sick of being her recepticle for her anger and frustration and annoyance, because i bear the brunt of it with hardly ever being responsible for it. i know it's nice to think that one's friends and family can make you feel better when the world is being mean to you and luck is not on your side, but at those times when they are not able to even though they are more than willing to if they knew how, they should not be punished.

lately, she is spewing somewhat subtle guilt trips and even to go as far as snapping at me if i happen to go out at night without inviting her. she acts as if we have an agreement of obligation to one another that has been laid out, when in fact it is an assumption on her part if that is in fact what she thinks. evidently, i too have been presumptious to assume that she wouldn't expect me to invite her out every time i leave the house for something other than work. it's not that i wouldn't want her out with me more often, the problem for me is that she has an expectation of how i should proceed without having first discussed it with me.

all of this is a mirror of my behavior with my ex. i dumped on him, snapped at him, made assumptions, was hyper sensitive, and eventually drove him away despite his best efforts to comfort and help me.

now i'm faced with having to make a choice very similar to the one he had to make. do i walk away from her, or do i stand beside her while she suffers? i know the answer... i need to decide whether i think she is truly trying to seek help and improvement, whether she is aware of the disrespect she is displaying towards her friends, and whether she knows it is not acceptable to lash out in the ways she always has. as long as i've known her, i've often felt like i was walking on eggshells around her, and this is not the first time when i have just wanted to get out of her way. however, i do love her and care about her and i hate the idea of leaving her on her own if she only continues to wallow. at the same time, her self-pitying and attitude of self-righteous anger is disrupting my own progress. i have a very unsteady rock on which i stand right now, and when i am unjustly yelled at or when violence is displayed as a reaction to something i have said or done, that rock teeters and totters and i feel as though i may fall. last night i did... she yelled at me and i cried. i too am very sensitive, and i can't see very many reasons why i would step into situations with her in the near future if there is any chance of having to cry again.

what i want:

2009-05-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

RIDES A BIKE
BEARD
DOESN'T WEAR TOO-TIGHT PANTS
CREATIVE
NON-RELIGIOUS
HONEST
SMART
FUNNY
BLUE EYES
TALL
SIMILAR MUSIC TASTES
LIKES LIVE SHOWS
HAS A CAR
LIKES ROAD TRIPS
DECENT FRIENDS
NOT BALD
NOT HEAVY
SANS TOO MUCH ATTITUDE
COLLEGE EDUCATED
NOT IN A BAND EVER
POSSIBLY WANTS KIDS
WANTS TO TRAVEL ABROAD
READS SOME
COMMUNICATES
NOT BROKE
HAS MAD SKILLS
GOES TO KARAOKE
CONSIDERATE
FORCEFUL AT TIMES
DRINKS
SOMEONE WHO CAN SHOW ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT FOREIGN CINEMA

hell

2009-05-11T13:17:00.001-07:00

OH MY GOD. I AM IN HELL. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SIGHT TO ALL THIS LAMENESS. REALLY, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GOING HOME AND SEWING. I WANT TO PICK OUT PRETTY FABRICS AND COMBINE THEM TO MAKE EVEN PRETTIER PATCHWORK. I WANT PILES AND PILES OF CREATIONS THAT I CAN TAKE WITH ME TO GIVE OUT TO COOL PEOPLE WHO WILL GIVE ME MONEY AND COMPLIMENTS AND THEN I CAN TAKE THAT MONEY TO ENLIVEN MY SOUL IN A FRENZIED, HARMONIC ATMOSPHERE AND THEN I CAN HIDE AWAY IN MY RENTAL CAR UNTIL I COME TO THE NEXT DAY WHERE THEY'LL BE MORE PEOPLE, MORE PATCHWORK, MORE MUSIC.

I WANT TO GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM FEELING SO MISERABLE AND INADAQUATE. I WANT TO RUN FROM ALL THESE LAME PEOPLE THAT POPULATE MY DAILY LIFE BECAUSE ALL THEY DO IS MIRROR HOW DISGUSTING I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY EX FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS AND I WAS ABLE TO FOOL MYSELF THAT I WAS BEAUTIFUL WHILE I WAS WITH HIM.

I WANT TO NOT EXIST SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I KNOW THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I WILL FEEL WORTHY OF LIFE ONE DAY, BUT I ALSO KNOW THERE'S NO GUARENTEE, AND THAT I CAN BE TRYING IN VAIN. LIVING IN VAIN. LOVING IN VAIN. I AM SO FUCKING LONELY, BUT WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I RELATE TO, IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M NOT AND WHAT I WISH TO BE.

I WISH I COULD STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO MY EX AND EVERYONE HE KNOWS. I FEEL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY REJECTED AND UNDESIREABLE. IT IS DISGUSTING TO BE THIS WAY.

it will pass

2009-05-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

i went on a date tonight proper. he picked me up, we took a walk through a park, he paid for my fancy meal, we caught live music, then chilled out with a smart cocktail and creme brulee. and he drove a jaguar. he was the most interesting guy i've met since you and i split. i won't compare him to you and vice versa, because i'm getting past that... meaning you are not all that to me any more. i want what i had with you, but i don't want you anymore. not you as you are. i want the man i thought you to be. jesus, why is this so hard? i want to feel clear and self righteous, but all i feel is a subtle longing. luckily, i can come out of a date like this and focus on what was good about it instead of what i wished it was... that's because i know it will come, and if it doesn't, that frees me up for so much more in my life that wouldn't be possible if i were hung up on another you.
anyway, my date wasn't bad, but it wasn't stellar either. it was a good practice run. it could be more, but i'm thinking that the best thing to come out of tonight was that he and i could really relate. you see, his love left him. she was no longer in love with him and he was and had been set on the two of them together forever. pretty much as i was about you. we both have had our hearts broken we are both learning from scratch.
i know you may be alone, but i know it's more likely you spent the day with your new woman. perhaps you called your mom today for mother's day while you slipped into a guest bedroom at your new girlfriend's mom's house right before dinner was served. jesus, i hate you at moments like this!
i am so going to fuck you out of my brain one day. i don't care how fucking long it takes, i will crowd you out of my head if it's the last thing i do. why should a piece of shit like you get to take up so much of my life after you've left it?! why must everything come down to you!? why does every guy that shows interest in me turn me off, but the idea of you in my head flickers a low flame in my twat.
you are evil, sir. fucking sick fuck.

it's like drugs

2009-05-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

i want to call him so bad! i don't have his #. i don't know if he has a #. i can't drop by because he may be with a woman and/or his roommates would be freaked out and scared of the crazy-ex they would have to deal with. my ex would give me the same reaction if i did try to see him. fear and momentary panic... what is she going to do? i doubt that he even feels remorse for his side of things, my reactionary behavior would have made it too easy for him to focus on what i did to ruin our connection.

i am toturing myself thinking of all the times i lied to myself. turned a blind eye. ignored the major hints he was dropping.

what's really bad these days is that now that i'm starting to attempt to date people, i am finding myself in the position of the person not interested in anything there is being offered. i winch in utter embarrasment when these nice, boring, annoying, weird looking guys get all excited about me. i can see them literally restraining themselves from just throwing themselves at me (not to sound conceited... odds are a lot of them would throw themselves at a plush rug if they thought it'd do the trick). it sends surges of pain through my gut and my soul and my brain... all i can do is think, 'is this how ____ viewed me? was i this desparate, this delusional, this annoying, this boring?'

towards the end of our relationship, i hysterically confided in him how inadaquate i felt compared to everyone else he knew and how threatened i felt. i would tell him i felt completely pathetic. he would grab me and stare intently in my eyes and tell me that at no point did he ever consider me anything close to pathetic. what help was that?! i said I felt it, not that i was afraid he did (of course i did, but that was besides the point... i wouldn't believe him anyway... i knew i was pathetic. he's not so dumb to miss what i've noticed).

i have this urge to contact him because i miss him so very much. his presense is a soothing as a glass of wine after a stressful day, as soothing as aloe on a sunburn, as soothing as a line when you're at a party and you're feeling socially nervous. everything is made better right away. i swear, he's like drugs to me! i know that any contact with him will leave me feeling worse in the long run... but what to do for soothing and comfort now?! when i'm alone, i long for someone to love, when i meet people, they magnify all that went wrong between ___ and me.

anyway, my guilty conscience is getting to me. i'm eager to meet as many people as possible as often as possible, but doing so is sure to lead on the more idealistcally romantic of the bunch. i know what is like to fall so hard after letting yourself rise so high so soon, and i hate that i could be doing that to almost every guy i meet these days. fortunately, i can at least know that i am brutually honest when i need to be, and that i'll be that way rather than give in to a man who wants to buy me dinner or listen to me rant and babble. but despite that, i still am so full of shame, guilt, embarrasment, humiliation, abuse... you name it. not to mention i'm not always as brave or sure of myself as i should be.

so i wish i could have him in my life that one more time. as if one more moment in his presence would cure me of all my ills. as if one apology or sad look on his face would validate me entirely. as if.

unrepentant

2009-05-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALREADY SEEING HER WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. YOU SAID THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE, BUT YOU LIED. I KNOW YOU CLAIM HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT 'SEEING SOMEONE' IS, AND YOU CAN ARGUE SEMANTICS DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THE FACT IS THAT YOU WERE ALREADY INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS A MAJOR DECIDING FACTOR FOR YOU IN OUR BREAKUP.

IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW, ASKED YOU ABOUT, AND YOU KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERTLY HID FROM ME. THE ONLY REASON YOU GAVE ME FOR THE BREAKUP WAS 'MY QUESTIONING', BUT WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT ELSE THERE WAS, YOU CLAIMED THAT WAS IT. LISTEN, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS YOU WOULD HAVE NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME THE WAY YOU DID, WHEN YOU DID, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN HER AND WANTED TO BE FREE OF ME TO PERSUE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. THEREFORE, YOU LIED.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN STAYING WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY QUESTIONING, AND THAT AS YOU GOT TO KNOW HER YOU FOUND YOURSELF MORE INTERESTED IN STARTING UP WITH HER THAN STAYING WITH ME, BUT INSTEAD, YOU ACTED LIKE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE WHEN I CLEARLY ASKED YOU IF THERE WAS. YOU LIED.

IT WAS A HALF-TRUTH. YOU MISLEAD ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE FACTS AND REVEALED ONLY BITS AND PIECES INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRETY I WAS ENTITLED TO. YOU WERE DISHONEST... HOW MANY WAYS CAN I PHRASE THIS UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOUR FAULTS, YOUR MISTAKES? I SPENT OVER TWO YEARS LISTENING TO YOU CIRCUMVENT THE FACTS AS THEY WERE. I CONTINUALLY QUESTIONED MY ABILITY TO PERCEIVE REALITY BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME I WAS WRONG WHEN I POINTED OUT MY OBSERVATIONS. NOW I AM IN THE PROCESS WHERE I AM LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, AND THAT COMES FROM NO LONGER HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE KINDNESS OF THOSE WHO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF CARING ABOUT YOU ONLY TO BE ABUSED INSIDIOUSLY AND SUBTLEY.

ALTHOUGH I AM FEELING STRONGER AND MORE HOPEFUL THAN I HAVE IN MANY MONTHS, I STILL FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN EMPTY GAPING SPACE INSIDE OF ME WHERE ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU USED TO BE. I NEEDED TO EMPTY THAT OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE AFTER I REALIZED WHAT YOU REALLY WERE AND HOW YOU ACTUALLY FELT ABOUT ME. I KNEW THAT OUR ENTIRE TIME TOGETHER WAS BUILT ON ME KIDDING MYSELF THAT YOU FELT AS DEEPLY AS I DID AND THAT I ALSO FOOLED MYSELF THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO RIGHT BY ME RATHER THAN TRYING TO ONLY CONVINCE ME YOU WERE DOING RIGHT BY ME. I KNOW THAT YOUR LOGIC SAYS THAT IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT, IT DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND… AND THAT IS TRUE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT VIBRATION IS NOT A SOUND UNTIL AN EAR IS WITHIN RANGE TO REGISTER IT. AND IF WE WERE TO MAKE A COMPARISON TO CHEATING AND LYING, ONE COULD SAY THAT NO HARM IS DONE IF THE PERSON DECEIVED NEVER KNOWS THE FACTS. I CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT, BUT I CAN POINT OUT THAT THE TROUBLE WITH SUCH A STRATEGY IS THAT COMPLETE DECEPTION IS OFTEN UNATTAINABLE. THERE IS ENOUGH VIBRATION RATTLING AROUND FROM THAT PROVERBIAL FELLED TREE TO REGISTER WITHIN THE CHEATEE'S EARDRUM TO AT LEAST MAKE A SOUND, ALBEIT INDECERABLE.

THAT SOUND WAS THERE, ____. AS MUCH AS I TRIED TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE, I KNEW YOU WERE BEING DISHONEST AND THAT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ALL THERE WAS TO KNOW, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE DOING THIS, AND THAT YOU CLAIMED IGNORANCE AND USED THE TRUST I HAD IN YOU TO DECEIVE ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDLY, SELFISH MEANS. SO NOW THIS EMPTY SPACE IS IN ME WHERE THERE WAS ONCE SO MUCH REAL LOVE FOR YOU. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE UNREPENTANT AND UNRELIABLE AND UNKIND. YOUR MOMENTS OF TRUTH AND SWEETNESS THAT YOU DISPLAY ARE NOTHING MORE THAN TOOLS YOU UTILIZE TO CONTROL A SITUATION TO YOUR LIKING. THEY ARE NOT BENEVOLENT. YOU HAVE AN INABILITY TO TRULY FEEL EMPATHY AND A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS NOT VEILED IN SUSPICSION AND BATTLE.

THIS IS HOW IT IS WITH YOU, BUT NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE. FAR BE IF FROM ME TO BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, BUT I DO SEE MORE THAN YOU WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE. I HOPE YOU LEARN HOW TO LOVE ONE DAY ____.

therapy

2009-05-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

things i'd like to discuss next time i see my therapist:

1) how when my best girlfriend goes on about what is making her upset and unhappy, i see too much of myself in her. there are times when i feel like she is so clueless. there are times when i feel like she should know better. there are times when i feel like the hopes and desires she has are out of reach for her, and she'd be better off restructuring her goals and expectations. when i see that perhaps a lot of those issues pertain to me as well, it really is painful. i don't want to face a view other than the current fantasy i have. i want a good looking, smart and funny guy to be with me and not lie and cheat. i want friends i enjoy, a calm sense of being, money in the bank, and a fulfilling, cool job. also, i want kids with an incredible man and i want the reserves to ensure those kids would be all right more than not. these are pretty much what my girlfriend wants. it scares me to think that if i am suspecting that she isn't worthy of any of that, it's likely neither am i... that i'm deluding myself. does that mean i am doomed to live out my life as it is? i'm miserable. how can i be happy if my dreams are unattainable?

2) i miss my ex-boyfriend. i don't expect him back, i know it wouldn't work even if we both tried again. i know he lied to me and he never loved me the way i loved him and he lead me on and kept a better image in his mind of the woman he really wanted and knew it would never be me even though he knew i was hoping, hoping and hoping he'd feel just like me one day. i know he would always disrespect me, never side with me when it really mattered, and continue to invalidate my views and opinions. i knew i was a slave to him, and that our relationship would have never happened in the first place if i had stood up for myself in the beginning. i know one of the main reasons he left me was because i started to stand up for myself after leading him to think i never would since i never did for so long. i thought i was kind and patient and understanding, and i thought he would appreciate that and therefore respect me down the line even though i didn't demand that respect in the beginning. i know now that i was wrong about him, that the man i loved didn't really exist. but i miss him non-the-less. i miss his eyes, his body, the conversations we'd have, the stories he'd tell, the way he listened to me, the places we'd enjoy together. mostly, i miss how beautiful he was. i am so afraid i'll never meet anyone that beautiful again. i am afraid no matter who i end up in bed with, i'll be comparing them to him, because he was the best i ever had. i know he isn't a good person for me, but he was still the best. i am so afraid that if at my age the best i ever had was a lying, cheating narrassitic person who loved me only so much, does that mean it only gets worse from here? shouldn't i had gone though my mistakes a decade ago and shouldn't i be reaping the rewards of my learning lessons now? is what i to am to learn that i am destined to be alone and poor spiritually, monetarily, and culturally. how can i find someone i truly love that will truly love me? how can i truly love myself at this point?

3) am i done punishing myself for my mistakes? am i going to continue to demean myself for all time? am i an old dog no longer able to learn new tricks?

4) there's more, but i'm getting so depressed writing all this out i better stop here for now. there's still a couple days to outline my next precious therapy hour.

unknown

2009-04-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

it's been a couple of times now that i've gotten a phone call from 'unknown'. there was one last wed and now another this morning. of course, it's probably something annoying like a bill collector or a telemarketer, but maaaaaaaaaaybe it's from a man. a man i want.

there are two men that i've really been in love with. only two men that i miss and wish there was a way to be with them again. they are both blue eyed and blond. they are both insecure to the point of being an asshole. they both have an inflated ego and are lightning quick to pass judgements and compare how great they want you to perceive they are to how lame someone else is. the one guy is, or at least was, a raging alcoholic, and the other also has mad addicitons. they both like to get lost in fantasy gaming and novels, and they both won't talk to me.

i don't know which of them i hope it is, assuming it is one of them. again, odds are it's nothing, but i smiled when i saw that missed call on my phone. 'maybe it was _______, or maybe it was ____.' i miss them both. the more recent one in my life, i am leaning towards hoping it's him only because my longing for him is fresher, and i'm not used to it yet. the other guy has been gone quite a while, but i did love him first. i know that the more recent ex will one day be ok with talking again if i were to want that. the other guy, not sure that he would. he lives way far away anyway. but i still think of him. i know it's sick to want to communicate with him again. we abused each other like crazy! our relationship was the definition of self-destructive and unhealthy. at least this more recent guy and i at least tried to be 'normal' and not regress to old patterns of behavior and abuse.

no matter..... what i really want is to forget about both of them and meet a new blue eyed blond. but this one has to be a good person. has to be striving towards kindness to those who deserve it. and he has to be an asshole the rest of the time to the idiots. that turns me on.

i am so lonely

2009-04-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

oh, i miss you. i miss you. i am so lonely. i was talking to an old friend earlier tonight on the phone. it was a call with a purpose. practical. it wasn't just to talk. he was half there, busy being distracted by others around him. i remembered feeling that way a million times while out with old friends like him. distracted by everyone else in the room. i'd have their attention for a few moments, and then it would wane.

yours never did though. i had you all to myself for so long, so often. when i needed to get used to sharing you, i couldn't because i was afraid i would lose you completely. and then i did.

i am so lonely. i know it's better we are apart because what we had was unhealthy, co-dependent. i know you were using me, biding your time. at no point were you convinced i was the one. i knew it then, but i was in denial. i know it now, and it cripples me. i loved you so much. i know i can find someone else one day to feel that way about. and next time it's more likely it won't be harmful in the long run. but i want to scream your name. i want to stand in the middle of the busiest road in town and announce how much i love you and miss you and how consumed i am by wishing you were still here with me.

i know you're probably with her now. cuddling, talking. and later you'll stare in her eyes as you sink into her just like you used to stare at me. i do hold out hope that you still have moments where you miss me. where you regret how things turned out. but mostly i remind myself that you are really good at justifications and remembering only what makes your present easier. i on the other hand am literally haunted by ghosts taunting me. memories won't leave me alone... good or bad. i want you out of my head. i want new people in my life. i'm so afraid to leave my house though. i am so ashamed of who i am. but you know that. you saw that. you left that.

think about

2009-04-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

THINK ABOUT THAT GUY WITH THE MONEY, WITH THE LOOKS, WITH THE AMAZING PLACE IN the best neighborhood in town, WITH THE HOT GIRLFRIEND HE'S IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH. THE GUY WITH THE COKE, HIS OWN BUSINESS, An upper middle class UPBRINGING, COLLEGE DEGREE, AND TRIPS WHEN HE WANTS. AND THEN THINK ABOUT HOW SAD HE WAS WHEN HE TRIED TO CONNECT WITH YOU BECAUSE ALL HIS LIFE IS FULL OF IS 20 YEAR OLDS AND PARTIES. AND REMEMBER HOW YOU JUST WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE YOU HAD HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND IT WAS NOTHING NEW.

THINK ABOUT THAT GUY WHO BRAVELY TALKED TO YOU AT THE BAR WHILE YOU WERE SITTING ALL ALONE, AND HOW MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT HE BECAME, ALMOST EXPONETIALLY, THE MORE YOU BOTH CONVERSED. REMEMBER HOW OBVIOUS IT WAS THAT HE WAS AT HIS VERY CORE TOO SHY, TOO UNSURE OF HIMSELF, WOULD NEVER HAVE AN INNER STRENGTH, AND WOULD ALWAYS BE SOMEONE who WOULD BE EMBARRASED IF HE DIDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR YOU OR IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANTED IT. THINK ABOUT HOW YOU KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU WERE 100% DONE WITH HIM AND THAT NOTHING WAS SALVAGABLE BECAUSE YOU HAD BEEN THAT PERSON, ALREADY HAD THAT IN YOU, AND THAT WAS SOMEONE THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE AGAIN AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.

KNOW THAT EVEN THE MILDEST FLIRTATION on your behalf over the course of only one week WAS MET BY A STRING OF MEN WITH EXUBERENCE AND EXCITEMENT AND A PUPPY DOG KIND OF HOPE IN THEIR EAGER EYES. REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE FELT THAT, BEEN THERE, WILL EXPERIENCE THAT AGAIN, BUT NEVER again WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN A STRAIGHT-FORWARD, CREATIVE, KIND AND STRONG SOUL WHO STRIVES TO CORRECTS HIS WRONGS NOT JUST OCCASIONALLY, BUT DAILY.

steps

2009-04-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

ok, so i am constantly sick. my anxiety is out of control. i really threw every ounce of myself into another person. before that, i threw myself into a transitory scene. before that, i threw myself into drugs. now i find myself with very little to hold onto because each of those entities threw me out on my ass. of course i made the mistake of trying to meld with something that was sure to be unreliable. i fooled myself each of those things were enough to sustain me. thing was, i knew they weren't on some level, so i would just convince myself something else would come along or something would change. for instance, i thought that if i kept at it with school, it would be there for me to fall back on when my 'scene' dissolved. but i never committed myself to school enough so when i needed it, it wasn't there for me. so then i went back into the drugs and entertained the idea that i would travel abroad. of course, it was a dream that i never worked towards. i just let my thoughts of my future turn there when the the drugs weren't able to distract me from the fact that my scene and my schooling were no longer in my life, and i had nothing to hold onto. no man at that time either. oh, but when one did come along, i forgot all about my desire to go abroad, and threw myself into working day and night to get him to fall in love with me. that would be all i needed, i thought. i told him and myself that i would get back into school again, but i never did. he was so successful in his efforts to further his education and chosen field, where as i had succeeded in beginning to follow through with school and had an idea of what would be my chosen path. he did fall in love with me in a way... he fell in love with the future version of me i presented him. he believed in me for quite a while. i, however, never did believe in myself fully. of course i became more and more worried he would see through me and realize i was no good, that i wouldn't succeed, that i wouldn't get off my ass. i knew he was surrounded by better people than me and would eventually dump me for one of them. i panicked and started to give and give and give him all i could so i could keep him. i wanted to buy him if there was no other way. i did everything including begging so he wouldn't leave me. but he did.

now i am hanging on by a thread. i have a stable job that i took in the first place so i would have more money to spend on hanging out with him. now that he is gone, i hate being here. my incentive is out the window. i have no joy when i leave work, no memories to make me smile while i am at work. i am petrified that i will never be able to fool someone as good as him into falling for me again, and i am afraid that the only kind of man who would like me as-is is someone i would feel disgust and distain for.

i know what need to happens. i know i need to find a path that i am proud of, feel capable of, and make that the priority i follow. i need to not compare myself to others and instead be proud of what small accomplishments i do have under my belt, and if they are very few, then i need to work each and every day to accrue more and more until they are numerous and large individually. i need to forgive myself for choosing distraction after distraction for years and years, and i need to stop punishing myself for my mistakes. i need to stop viewing myself as though through the eyes of those i perceive as being better than me, and realize that although they may have advantages i do not, i should not make the assumption that they are inherently better than me and that i am inherently fucked. rather, i need to remind myself of the disadvantages that i have no control over and that others are lucky enough to not have to deal with. no matter if life is fair or if it's harder for me to succeed than anyone else. i can't just resign myself to being unworthy of life just because the man i wanted to love me rather be with someone he has more in common with.

i hope i can do all this. otherwise i will need to settle and accept unhappiness as the norm. i have never done that before, and i have never considered that to be an option before. my intention all these years is to live every day of my life knowing that happiness exists and that is attainable and it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to me or if it even gets to me. i just know that i need to strive towards it and believe in it every fucking day until i die.

and there's this also...

2009-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

wow... it is like when you're working on a jigsaw puzzle, and there's small areas dispersed throughout the table that have a few pieces joined together here and there, but all the areas are like small islands floating and not at all connected. but of course, you know they will. it's just a matter of figuring out how your remaining pieces fit.

when we broke up the first time, it was because of the fighting. but the second time, there was no fighting. it was out of nowhere. you said it was because of my unfounded constant questioning, but i felt like there must had suddenly appeared a new woman in your life.

when we slept together after we broke up the second time, it was valentines day the next day. you mentioned being invited to a party and not wanting to go, but i got the feeling you really were seeing someone.

when you invited me to go to seattle a week from then, i asked if you got the extra ticket for the show with me in mind, but you said you had no one in mind. when over the course of the week, i came to the decision that going with you would be a mistake because i still was in love with you and you were never going to get back together with me, i figured you'd go alone. but you didn't go at all. if you had started up a new thing with a woman that you broke with me over, it is easy to assume that you were hoping she would go to seattle with you. but either she couldn't or you chickened out on asking her, so after we hung out, you asked me. that could be why you slept with me too. maybe you were still waiting for your first time with her.

i went from being your girlfriend, to the fall-back you were using while waiting for the woman you really liked to finally come around. and all the while you knew i was still in love with you. you knew you were making it harder for me. and you did it anyway. i loved you because i didn't know this was something you were capable of. i suspected it, but those thoughts were so terrifying, i constantly asked you about them hoping you would tell me i was wrong not because the lies were easier than the truth, but because i wanted the truth to be that you would never hurt me like that!!! i was soooooooo wrong!

i hope this woman breaks your heart. i hope you try to get over on her, and she is smarter than i and leaves you immediately. you are sick.

omg

2009-04-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

i just thought of something. i'm piecing it together. of course, i could be totally off base... imagining things.

when i asked you how you met your new woman, you said you ran into her a while ago and then ran into her again recently. i didn't know then she worked at a bookstore. ok, so that's how it was. you went to the bookstore after we got back together and saw you were interested in her. you broke up with me because of her. i asked you if it was another woman, and you said no, it was because of my questioning.

ok, so am i wrong? i really don't think so. i wish i could stop coming up with all these scenerios in my head. i wish i knew the truth so i wasn't always guessing. it's so hard to just accept that i was lied to and hid from. it is so hard to accept that you were so insulting.

strung along

2009-04-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

IT IS SO EXTREMELY RARE THAT I GO AN HOUR WITHOUT CRYING. I SPENT SO LONG LOOKING TO YOU FOR COMFORT AND SOMEONE I COULD TRUST. I WISH I HADN’T BELIEVED YOU CARED ABOUT ME INFINITELY. YOU CARED ONLY SO MUCH. IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU TO STRING ME ALONG AND REAP THE BENEFITS OF MY AFFECTION AND ATTENTION THEN IT WAS TO STEP AWAY AND NOT LEAD ME INTO BELIEVING MY LOVE WOULD BE FULLY REQUITED. I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO HURT AND SCARED AND ALONE. OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE A MESS IN MY LIFE, ONE OF THE MAJOR ISSUES IS THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY AND HE IS NOW WITH SOMEONE ELSE. AND WHO CAN I GO TO WHEN I NEED TO CRY ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER AND BE HELD. THERE IS NO ONE.

I WISH YOU DIDN’T LEAD ME ON. I WISH I DIDN’T KID MYSELF THAT YOU WOULD ONE DAY LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVED YOU. I WAS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU. I REALLY FOOLED MYSELF, AND YOU HELPED ME DO IT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. IF YOU ARE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE NEW RIGHT NOW, YOU DON’T DESERVE IT. I LIKE TO THINK THAT YOU’LL FUCK IT UP WHEN SHE REALIZES HOW EVIL YOU ARE. BUT THEN I THINK MAYBE I’M WRONG ABOUT YOU, AND YOU AREN’T EVIL, BUT I’M JUST STUPID.

YOU HURT ME SO MUCH. I WISHED YOU HAD NOT USED ME THE WAY YOU DID. IT WAS SO MEAN. I NEEDED TO BE LOVED. I STILL DO. IT’S GOING TO TAKE ME A WHILE TO GET PAST YOU. I WISH WE HAD BROKEN UP SOONER, OR BETTER YET, NOT HAD EVEN GOTTEN PAST THAT FIRST WEEK.

still in love

2009-04-19T13:59:00.001-07:00

i am still in love with my ex boyfriend. he broke up with me, but wanted to still hang out. then he slept with me. i thought we were back together, but when i said so, he said no. then i wouldn't see him. but when new year's came around, i called him because i missed him so much. he came over and we negotiated getting back together. and then we fucked. and then he broke up with me again a few weeks later. and then he and i tried to be friends. and then we fucked again. and then i stayed away. but then i missed him and tried to be just friends again. and then i stopped by his house and found him with a woman. i asked him if they were seeing each other and he said no. i didn't believe him, so i then asked if they had kissed. he said yes.
at that point, i knew he didn't really love me. i had been denying that was a possibility for so long. i was convinced he was in love with me like i was in love with him. but i woke up when i saw him with her. i knew i was alone in my feelings.
it's been a few weeks now, and i miss him terribly. i want nothing to do with him. there is no way i will ever trust him again. anything contact we have would drag me further into desperation. my only hope for breaking free of my obsession with him is abstaining from all contact.

i tried to sleep with someone last night. i would have been the first time i had sex with another man in 2 years and 7 months. it would have been the only sex i have had in 2 months and 5 days. it didn't work out. i compare everyone to my ex, and they all fall short of being good looking, funny, smart and talented. even though my ex lied and cheated, even though he strung me along and took advantage of me, even though i cried myself to sleep over and over in the time we dated, even though he is with another woman and is having fun while i am miserable, i can't stop wishing he was with me. i literally want nothing to do with him ever again. i don't want to see him, i don't want to hear about him, i don't care if misfortune befalls him, and i sometimes hope he is as miserable as possible. but i miss him with every fiber of my soul. everyone is so boring and annoying. I am boring and annoying. i can't stand the way i look in the mirror, i can't stand all the thoughts in my head. i can't stand the people on the street. he was the one thing i loved. the one thing that made me smile. and that is gone. our relationship is gone.

i don't want him back. all that i miss does not outweigh all that is evil within him. and i do mean evil. he is not a good person. what i want is to stop missing what was good about him. i cry every day, all day. i am so ill. i don't know how i'm going to continue to deal with this.

quilt

2009-04-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

i know what to do with your quilt!!! i was really trying my best to ignore the fact i even had it. i didn't know where to put it other than under my bed. that way it was entirely out of site, out of mind. if i put it in the basement, it would be with all the items i actually wanted and stored down there. under the bed is somewhere to put something when you really couldn't give two shits if you see it again. i knew i would actually make a decision regarding where it would go. i didn't want it to exist though, and i couldn't bring myself to destroy it. before i got it back from you, i fantizied about throwing in the river from off the bridge by your house. but again, i couldn't do that. i MADE it. it is ME. no way in the world that you deserved it, but no way that i deserved to kill it. it's an entity. it contains all the love i had for you. it contains so much of the love i have to give. i trusted you with it. i was wrong to give it to you. i wasn't wrong to have made it though. that quilt was my hope.

now i know what i want to do with it. i want to give it to someone needy, like a cancer patient or a homeless person. but i don't want it to exist as it is once it's out of my hands. i do have an urge to cut it... i want to cut that part of it out that is you. the part that taints it. the part that took a perfectly good and beautiful collection of flannel, fleece and thread and ruined it for all time. so... it will become SCARVES for the homeless! oh, they will be awesome, and they will be plentiful, and they will be OF VALUE. and if i'm lucky, you'll see one or two while you're waiting for the bus downtown.

miss you

2009-04-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

i got drunk. woke up wishing i didn't have this life. i want to be rid of so much. i hate where i am at. on the other hand, i am so glad it's not worse. i really don't know how i will continue to cope though. i need something to cheer me up. i really want to see my therapist, but i can't afford it right now. i am always on the internet, and that is the most contact i have with the world. this summer, i'll be traveling, so that will help, but i'm afraid of feeling empty after the trips are over and i'm back here. i need to just get out of bed, but i really wish i could have YOU to go to once i did. now when i get up, there isn't anyone. i am glad for the few friends i have... i remember that for most of my life i didn't have any. i am so lucky i have a loving family, but i am afraid i'll never be able to see them for more than a few days at a time once or twice a year.

i miss you so much. i wish i didn't have to be so angry at you. i wish i didn't feel so hurt and lied to. i wish i didn't constantly compare myself to everything and everyone else in your life.

i went out by myself last night. i wanted to meet people. i didn't care if it was a hook up or just a friendly face. i ended up with what i always do... a guy that lets me ramble on and on who thinks he may have a chance to start something with me, but who i would never ever find admirable or attractive. of course, i judge him for being so nice to me when i am merely using him as a soundboard for a couple of hours. i didn't let him buy me drinks, i didn't overtly lead him on so i could get even more out of him. but by the time i left, i was feeling lonelier than ever. i wanted to meet someone attractive! i didn't care about admirable at that point. i went to another bar, but even though i was inebriated enough that i would have welcomed someone less than stellar, i never got even the slightest chance. it was a tuesday night... not a lot of people out. no one approached me. odds weren't in my favor, nor the circumstances.

anyway, after this paragraph, i'll get up out of bed, jump in the shower, and start to feel motivated to get what i need to do done today. i miss you. i know you are hurt and scared when it comes the the thought of me, because i have hurled so much reactionary pain your way these last few weeks. i hope one day i can trust you enough to be on speaking terms. i'm afraid that odds are that won't happen, and that you probably will never trust me to allow me in your life either. i don't hate you. i really miss you is what it is. i really miss you.

power

2009-04-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

i had no power. powerless. like i was freefalling and there was nothing to grab onto. i would reach out to him, and he would not retreat, but he would not reach back either. he would beckon, he would lead me to reach, he wanted me to need him... but then he let me fall just the same.

i was overwhelmed with feelings of fear. i was so reliant on his approval, his presence. in too many ways, i still am, but that is changing.

i sent him a small box filled with all things him that i no longer wanted. tiny gifts he gave me, cds he made, souviners from times together. funny thing was, it was a VERY small box. i do have a lot of pottery he gave me, so i need to decide what to return, store, destroy, keep...

i found 'power' in that moment i packed the box. i didn't second guess it at all. i had been waiting until the day when i would KNOW it was certainly leaving my house. i really didn't give a shit if he got it, if he opened it, if he cried, if he sneered... all i cared about was i really didn't want any of it anymore. and i found the 'power' because i didn't throw it away, like he once asked me to rather than send it to him. i fucking sent it to him! i need to know he has an inkling of how i feel NOW... not how i feel weeks ago when i was at his feet begging. all i beg of him now is to completely disappear from MY life! it may not be the healthiest way for me to deal with this in the long run, but it is the best way for me to fucking feel decent enough to go without crying to myself in my lonely room for one more hour.

tempted

2009-04-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

as tempted as i am to just erase all my previous posts... i won't. not yet. if ever. i don't know what i will do. right now i won't.

i feel really lame. i mean, really subpar. i always considered myself above average, and now that has changed. i would love to be able to blame my ex, but really what gets me mad about him is that he wouldn't pretend to see me as i wanted to be seen. now that he has left and is improving his station, i feel all my mistakes being magnified.

i sit at work and try not to accept how permanent things seem there. i almost wanted to get fired today... that's crazy!!! i have trouble finding a job even when there isn't a downturn.

what i really want, what i really need... is to erase my immediate debt. i need to sew like crazy, and i need to radically improve my house. i can drink more water, exercise, and sit out in the sun so i can look and feel good. i can walk in, around and out of a house i am proud of and i would love to have guests to. i can feel confident that a steady supplemental stream of funds will help float me over the wall down into vast cushness...

of course i would love to have a best friend again. i loved my ex. i loved the moments with him. i loved knowing he was in my life. i loved remembering the things he did and said the night before, and i was thrilled all day when i knew i would be seeing him that night. however, interspersed in all of that was an intense paralyzing fear that he was not to be trusted. i would reconstruct conversations and interactions with him, his friends, random women he knew, my friends when they were around him.... jesus, it fucking freaked me out each and everyday. i would cry myself to sleep at night and i would get ill and cry at work hiding in the restroom until i could breathe again.

i miss him, but i am so lucky to be rid of him, if for no other reason than now i have a chance to live a life without feeling abused. i really felt hurt daily. i felt betrayed, lied to. maybe even cheated on. there were so many times i had no idea where he was, who he was with.

i find myself hoping he is unhappy now. i want to know he's upset, because that would maybe somehow mean that i have not been the one who was wrong all along. even though he most certainly took advantage of me the entire time we were together, i still feel like i was the one who fucked up. in this world, it is often the asshole who prevails. fuck the meek. the bible is working an angle, and it will tell you whatever it needs to to get what is on it's agenda done. just like my ex. he said what he needed to, embellished, hid, lied, intimidated, degraded... and i took it. who's the bigger idiot? who's the bigger jerk?

unfortunately, odds are he isn't as upset as i'd like him to be. it's funny, because he wears his depression like a badge of honor. in sharing moments of joy, he'd often tell me he was as close as happy as he could be in that moment (because he is incapable of true happiness). i do not wish full blown depression on anyone. it causes people to lose the will the live. i do wish on him he is anything other than better than when he was his best with me.

stupid that i should be so concerned with how he is doing rather than focus on myself, but when i think of my current state... it gets me feeling panicked. i don't see a way out of this. i only see things getting more and more unbearable. slowly but surely. i am a woman. not a great looking, rich, extremely intelligent young woman, but rather a strangely proportioned, nonstriking, childless, older woman who has very few friends, is living paycheck to paycheck, and who sits in a cube all day and focuses on dreary hobbies and activities when not commuting on the torturous transit. how will i enter a fulfilling career, find interesting people to spend time with, find an attractive trustworthy man, and come to terms with all the people i have hurt and who have hurt me?

clockwork

2009-04-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to feel. i cry everyday like clockwork. i am angry so i don't have to be sad. god, i hate these words. i want to say something that can strike people so they know what i'm feeling, otherwise i feel so alone. so lost. i don't know what to do. i don't have what others do. i feel like i'm one of the people on this earth who isn't part of the top half. i have no enjoyment. i wish i had more hope. when i think of when i did feel like more was possible for me, it seems like i was fooling myself. i'm beginning to resign myself to being a loser and the only reason i won't die is out of cowardice and sympathy for those who would feel guilty if i left. i don't know what there is to live for, because i don't think i'll ever find what i need.

new woman

2009-03-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

new woman for him. so angry. glad that it's final now. no more fooling myself. but why did he lead me on so much for so long? so unfair that he is starting with someone new when i'm incapable of that.

compared

2009-03-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

TELL ME I'LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS YOUR OTHERS. TELL ME I'M BELOW YOUR STANDARDS AND ALL THE GENEROSITY IN THE WORLD WILL NOT BALANCE OUT THE FACT THAT I AM NOT WORTH STAYING WITH. TELL ME THESE THINGS SO I CAN MOVE ON AND ADJUST TO A LIFE OF LONGING AND MISERY. PLS LIFT ALL FALSE HOPE I COULD POSSIBLY HOLD ONTO. THE SOONER I ACCEPT MY LACK OF TALENT, LOOKS, AND COMMON SENSE, THE SOONER I CAN LEAVE YOU TO BUILD A BETTER LIFE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

yay just catching the bus (and you)

2009-03-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

i am so glad i saw you today. i saw how in love with me you are. i know what i have to worry about, and other women are not at the top of the list (they are on there, but there are bigger obstacles to our union).

just please stay with me, don't stop seeing me or thinking of me or wanting me. i can be as patient as it takes, and i won't give up. more importantly, i will learn to ACCEPT you as is, and i will learn to be grateful for all you have to give, and not get pissed if there isn't more.

why do i feel ok?

2009-03-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

you and i spoke, and the next day i felt better. i shouldn't have, because our conversation was nothing but sad... but you are soothing to me. you are the arms of my mother when i need to be rocked to sleep. you are the coffee that wakes me up when i can't keep my eyes open. you are the freshness in the air that clears my head when i go hiking in the old growth. if i go without contact with you, i slowly waste away.

looking at the walls

2009-02-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

i am so lonely. i want to talk with someone, and not have it be an old, worn out conversation i have had with so many before. i miss the man i love. i could have gone on a day trip with him, but i knew that i would feel worse afterwards because my desire for him would grow, yet he would stay firm in his decision to not be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

i like to think he misses me and loves me. i really try not to hope that he will come back one day, otherwise i'll wait forever and ever. i'll never enjoy my life, i'll be living in pergutory, and i will start to do crazy things like showing up at his house to try to get some feeling of accomplishment.

i'm boring myself. i am so tired of explaining over and over how much i miss him, how much i want him, how sad i am he won't have me. i really really want him here with me. i want him to lay in my bed. i lay in bed and imagine his footsteps coming up the stairs and then there's a knock at my door, and it's him! it is so sad when i open my eyes and i see nothing but my furniture and the walls.

goodbye

2009-02-27T14:53:00.001-08:00

i couldn't go on that day trip with you even though i have been wanting to go away with you for so long. it could have been a great bonding experience for us. if there was a slight chance that you would want me to be your girlfriend again, spending the day driving for hours, walking around in a big exciting city, eating in a new restaurant, and finishing the evening with your absolute favorite musician and sitting with you as you cried like a baby would have helped.

i couldn't chance that you didn't want me back. i couldn't knowingly subject myself to being your friend only. as much as i want to be supportive and understanding of you, and as much as it hurts me when i think that you may have needed me and instead of being with you, i refused to go, it is worse to consider my own hurt when i hoped and hoped and hoped you would take me in your arms and kiss me violently, professing your undying desire to be with me no matter what. seeing you, hearing your voice... these things give me false hope. you don't want me as more than a friend. wait... that's not true, you want more than friendship from me, you just don't want to owe me anything more than what's entailed in a simple friendship. you don't love me enough to make me a priority in your life. you don't see it as possible that you could do right by me as a the kind of boyfriend i need you to be and also devote yourself to your art and your work at the same time.

if you're right about that, then it's only fair that you leave me alone. seeing you makes me want you more and more. even though i don't trust you to not see other women and to always tell me the truth, i still want you. i need to get used to you out of my life entirely, because any contact with you adds salt to my wounds.

argh

2009-02-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

yay... my teeth look and feel better than they have in quite a long time. it makes a big difference having something go well, rather than having to deal with yet another frustration.
i got a good amount of work done this past weekend. i need to get up to a faster rate of accomplishment, but i have definitely improved from the past couple of months.
as far as my feeling for my ex... i am slowly but surely finding new perspectives. on the one hand, i don't want to let go of the feelings i have had for him for so long, because i think it is possible for us to remain together and be happy in the future. on the other hand, if in fact he really isn't fully in love with me and moves on to another fucking bitch-ass cunt, then i'll be glad to remember all the fucked up shit he's pulled on me for far too fucking long. argh.

what i want and what i need

2009-02-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

i am crying here and there. the type of crying has changed from when i was in the midst of my relationship with my ex. now that i really have to come to accept that it is over, i cry differently. i equate it to snow. scientists have dozens of names for the various kinds of ice crystals depending on how they look, how they behave, how they form. the kind of crying i found myself indulging in was not as intense as when i am first in shock and i'm trying to find a way to change what is. now there is a deep sadness in the loss of what was, and i hitching frustration that wells up when i feel totally screwed.

i want him back. oh, so much. i want him to ACT like he is only with me. i do not want him spending time at other women's houses unless they are only truly friends. if they are interested in more, i do not trust him to not lead them on, and i do not trust him to not let a situation escalate to the point where he physically does something with them. of course, there's also MENTAL cheating. i do not want a leash on his brain and his emotions, however if his mind and his emotions are more interested in another woman then his dick will follow.

ok, so why want him back if these are my fears, if this is what i would be concerned with now even though these fears were exactly what drove him away? because i want to be WRONG! i want to know he is true to me if i am his girlfriend. before, he treated me like i was PRIVILEGED to spend time with him. how was i to know if i was more important than any other woman in his life when he was so distant and did not include me in his life at school enough? i want him back, but i want him to show me his love and not be so closed off. i think it's possible for him to do this, but it's not likely. so, we're done, and i'm learning to accept that.

but i want him!!! i think the one and only cure for that is if i KNEW he did consciously lie to me, cheat on me. for instance, i believe he must have thought of other women while fucking me. if he were to confirm that suspicion, and then tell me what a horrible person he was for taking advantage of me and using me for all the kindness and support i showed him for over 2 years, then i could begin to see him in a different light and realize i am better off without him.

instead, my lingering fear is that he loved me, was true to me, made mistakes, learned from them, and if only i were less insecure, he would have stayed with me and his love for me would have grown and grown. i screwed it all up because i pointed out all that was wrong with me over and over trying to get him to assure me that he loved me and liked me more than any other cute, secure, successful, friendly, hot, talented girl he has ever known.

i saw you

2009-02-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

last night i had a feeling i would see you. i went downtown to check out a book signing and to meet up with a friend for some karaoke. whenever i'm down there, i hope i catch you while you're waiting for your bus transfer on the way home. this time was no different, but maybe it should have been. when i called your name, you practically jumped, you were so on edge. when i came up to you to talk you practically recoiled. then i saw the severe sadness in your eyes. did i do that? or did you do it to yourself? either way, i don't think it helped my case any to walk up on you like that, especially since i had a friend in tow, and you were buried in your book.

i am having trouble remembering what it was like to feel at ease with you. i'm betting that you have no memory of what the good times were like. you're only focusing on the bad times. what i would do to be able to hold you in my arms and encircle you with pure comfort, safety, and trust. what i would do to be someone who could make you feel loved instead of being someone you feared.

you on the other hand can only leave me alone, because all you can see is a hellish road up ahead. better to turn off at this exit instead of waiting to see if it gets better. you've already passed too many chances to turn off this highway and had to deal with the rough conditions. you don't want to end up in a ditch, flipped and burned.

adoring faces

2009-02-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

I COULD NOT DEAL WITH my ex BEING IN ART SCHOOL. I WAS JEALOUS OF ALL THE WOMEN that surrounded him. THEY WERE YOUNGER, THEY WERE TALENTED, THEY WERE IN SCHOOL, THEY SPENT TIME WITH HIM DOING THINGS THAT I DID NOT SHARE WITH HIM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IN COMPARISON I WAS A LOSER. I WAS OLDER AND GAINING WEIGHT. I THOUGHT OF WHAT THOSE WOMEN WOULD BE LIKE WHEN THEY GOT TO BE my age, and those visions were always of women so many times more accomplished and happy than i. They had GREAT CAREERS, were SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, were toting A BABY ON THEIR HIP WHILE THEY WORE COMFORTABLE YOGA PANTS AND SCARVES TO KEEP UP THEIR WAVY, full HAIR. I IMAGINED THEM WITH A CALM, PEACEFUL SMILE ON THEIR LIPS, BECAUSE THEY KNEW THEIR OLDER CHILD WAS AT a socially progressive SCHOOL, THEIR HUSBAND WAS DEVOTED, AND THEIR CAR WAS RUNNING, ROOMY, AND LOOKED GOOD WITH IT'S organic FOOD CO-OP BUMPER STICKERS.

Presently, IN THE MEANTIME, these girls WERE BRIGHT AND WILD-EYED, AND STILL HAD PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE AND VERY LITTLE TRAUMA COMPARED TO ALL THAT I HAD INVITED UPON ON MYSELF WITHIN THESE PAST FEW YEARS. THEY TOOK WHAT TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS THEY HAD ENDURED SO FAR AND FUNNELED IT INTO THEIR CLASSES, PROJECTS, AND THEY ALSO MADE SURE TO INCORPORATE IT INTO THEIR SMOLDERING EYES WHILE LISTENING INTENTLY TO MY BOYFRIEND GO ON ABOUT THE STATE OF HIS WORK, THE STATE OF THE WORLD. THEY OOHED AND AHHED WHILE HE STRUTTED IN FRONT OF THEIR ADORING FACES. HE WOULD PROFESS TO NOT BE INTERESTED in girls that age, AND HE WOULD INSIST GIRLS LIKE THAT HAD NO INTEREST IN HIM, BUT NEITHER WAS FULLY TRUE.

MEANWHILE, AS HE GOT OLDER, THE 20-somethings GOT OLDER, AND SO DID I. AS A GIRL HE KNEW IN HER EARLY 20S ENTERED HER MID TWENTIES, I WAS CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF MY MID THIRTIES AND WAS ABOUT TO ENCROACH UPON MY LATE 30'S. AS OTHER FEMALES AROUND HIM ACQUIRED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE AND THEIR LOOKS MATURED AND BLOSSOMED, MY BRAIN WITHERED AND MY CRAFT'S INTEGRITY LESSENED AND MY CONFIDENCE DISAPPEARED.

I WAS AND AM CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS OF WHAT HE IS DOING AND THINKING WHEN HE IS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE ROOM. I WAS CONVINCED HE STOOD IN SILENT JUDGMENT OF ME WHENEVER I OPENED MY MOUTH OR GOT DRESSED. MY CLOTHES WERE UGLY, MY HOUSE WAS NOT immersed in CREATIVITY, AND MY VEHICLE WAS NON-EXISTENT. HE WAS HAVING TO REMIND WOMEN OF THE FACT THAT HE WAS CURRENTLY INVOLVED AT THE MOMENT, WHILE I WAS WONDERING WHETHER I WOULD EVER FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME EVER AGAIN IF HE WERE TO LEAVE.

stomach is full of burning acid

2009-02-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

ok, so forget the butterflies, i have a hornets' nest in my stomach. just when i start feeling like i have a handle on how i'm dealing with the uncertainty surrounding my ex's fidelity, i crumble apart unexpectantly and have so little to put myself back together with.

how horrific to think of all that has disappeared... all the sweet times he and i stared into one another's eyes, all the times we wound our bodies up so tightly together and fell asleep like that. we couldn't have had a stronger grasp, our fingers and palms pressing and pushing to the same physical limits as our torsos and intertwined legs. all the light kisses i'd touch his forehead with over and over, and the way he'd stroke my cheek with his fingertips while he thought of how wonderful i was in that moment... gone.

in it's wake is doubt and uncertainty magnified a hundred times. in the attempt to keep calm, i try to remind myself that i don't KNOW that he has been cheating on me or that he DID break up with me because he was seeing someone else or that he HAS gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. i try to remind myself that it is entirely possible he is alone except for the people he sees while at school and the times he spends with his roommates. but then an image of his legs and arms and dick and mouth and hands all over another woman in the same bed that i was sleeping soundly in only recently pops into my poisoned mind. and then i can't breathe. then i cry. doesn't matter where i am. i can be speaking with my boss, in the middle of a sentence, and suddenly my skin flushes red and my voice hitches, i falter and as quickly as possible leave the room to cry in a lonely, sterile stall with only the toilet to hear my muffled sobs.

running on empty

2009-02-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

oh, the panic. just when i start feeling somewhat less sad, just when the misery doesn't weigh on me like a wet sand bag on my head, it's then i realize there is nothing there at all. no weight. nothing attached to me, nothing keeping me grounded.
the only reason i'm still on the ground has nothing to do with gravity. it is because my toes are clenched so tight after digging through the dirt to the thin roots running under the weeds so i don't fly out into the upper atmosphere and disintegrate. oh god, is it scary!

at least the sadness was something tangible i could grab on to, something to care about, something to think about. now i have a gaping space of nothing but air. there is no man in my life to make me happy or sad. there is no joy or suffering derived from my job. i have no friends that i look forward to seeing, i have no hope for anything other than getting through the next few hours without crying in public, and then hoping i'll feel alive enough when i get home so i can get done the chores i need to to stop myself from sinking further into a life of nothing.

what i mean is; there are goals i can see ahead. they are small, and they are distant. for instance, paying off a few ccs: a few hundred here, a thousand there. finishing off these smaller goals can help me build the groundwork for larger goals, like buying a car, traveling... but it's only recently that i started working on the 'long-term' after years of regression and following the 'short-term'. when all i can feel is empty meaningless drivel, my brain has the hardest time reminding me that there is something ahead and to keep pushing.

ironically, having lost the main focus in my life recently has forced me to find other focus points. losing my boyfriend has thrown me out of a warm cozy house with a fire-place and down comforters into a blizzard in the middle of the high-plains with the wind ripping through my skin and the piercing snow hitting the ground like daggers as far as you can see. all i want to do is get back into that warm house. i can see the flames flicker and lick the brick encircling and containing it, harnessing it for the man sitting in front comfortably waiting for the next woman he invites to sit by his side. i know there is no point in banging on the door or throwing myself against the window. he knew what it was like outside when he picked me up, opened the door, and tossed me through it, the whole time saying, 'it's not you, it's me.'

as i stand there shivering and my teeth chattering, i notice the steamroller parked a few yards from the house. the steam from the engine is still coming off the steel even though the ignition has been turned off. if i had stayed in that house much longer, the wheels would have been turning, and the house, with it's fireplace and warmth would have been demolished. it just wasn't to be that i stay there. i had to be thrown out, because i wouldn't leave when i had a chance earlier when the snow had not yet reached where i now stood.

tired and freaked out

2009-02-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

i have such a feeling of impending doom. i emailed my ex again this morning. i then got to work and emailed him again and begged him not to hate me, and to ignore me... eventually i'll get past him and no longer rely on shooting off offensive emails for comfort.

but what to do about running into him, or even worse, running into all the people who know how pathetic i am and are aware of how lame my life has been for years, and is sure to be for quite some time, if not forever. i am so trapped!!!