no one

is it just me that feels utterly alone. disconnected not only from those i presumely should feel bonds with... such as my family, my religion, my friends... but disconnected from everyone!? and not just teenage or 20 something rebellion, but full fledged lack of bonding, faith, connective-ness, no matter.

sore throat

months later, i'm here. rambling to no one, but at the same time hoping that all it takes is one random viewer to justify this. no matter, the imaginary audience of one or more in my head as i write this is more than enough. i often wonder who is it that has a huge following on a random blog such as this. do they 'campaign' their page, link to others equally as needy for fans? or does the oft followed personal diary type blogs prosper on fully personally resonating terms? in other words, does the most thought out, heart wrenching, soul searching diction stand out on it's own 2 feet, or does cheap marketing take place?

i think i probably forgot the password to my other google account

so my back hurts. it gets pretty stiff. i'd really like to get to the gym. the degree to which i feel out of shape and unfit is increasing steadily. i have further and further to go to feel and look good.

last summer --- and i went on a cross country trip together. over 20 states in 6 weeks. totally awesome. one thing that wasn't awesome was the rash i got. oh jesus. it sucked. i mean, it was the most maddening thing i have ever gone through in my entire life. i really couldn't walk. it's amazing how important walking is. we take it for granted. this i now know.

walking meant having a mosquito bite the size of a pizza pie on the inside of each thigh. you know that itch? that mosquito bite itch that makes you want to tear your skin off and disinfect your flesh? and you know how one bite the size of a small pearl makes you want to holler? well, seriously, the inside of each thigh was one big, red, rash that no amount of fingernails could ever satisfy. the only comfort came from furiously itching and yelling in frustration and desparation until realizing the itching was only waking it up even more. then i would have to pat it all over while bracing for what i knew was next.... to stop scratching. i would sit and wait until the itch subsided just enough so i could sit without touching my thighs so long as i didn't move and nothing at ALL brushed against or touched my skin. it was hell.

it took a while to get rid of it. first i waited for it to go away on it's own. it didn't. then i went to a clinic. i was told it was bacterial and i should go on antibiotics. i had just finished a ton of antibiotics just a week earlier, so i balked at the suggestion, but did it anyway. then it got worse. that's when it got to the point i couldn't walk. while === and his family went hiking in the beautiful lay of the land, i painstakingly lounged alone waiting until i would have to endure the torture of movement once again. at that point i broke down and went to another clinic where i was told it was fungal and that antibiotics were the cause of the rash and that i needed a creme. it would be another week before i could properly walk and another 2 weeks before i could really hike. it would be well over a month until i could go a day without itching my thighs.

luckily, i'm ok now. i have acidophilus to thank for my full recovery. and yogurt of course. i would like nothing more than to go to that initial clinic and yell at that person that was so fucking fucking stupid. but of course, that would be bullshit. i'm stupid too. i should have been eating yogurt THE WHOLE TIME. yeast infections suck.

now

i am on this for the first time in quite a while. i'm a different person now after this past year. better in most ways. still a long way to go until i'm back to where i want to be.

i have a great boyfriend, i'm collecting unemployment, i gained too much weight, i am feeling far removed from my family, i got in touch with my dad and then ended up alienating him, i am feeling so much more free of my stupid ex, i am looking forward to one day returning to school, i eat too much, i drink too much. i skied for the first time recently, i have wonderful friends, i threw my first party recently, i no longer feel the need to follow _____, i am still sewing, i am sewing new types of items, i have an internet addiction, i never read, i no longer throw up but once in a blue moon, i am in a new place with my coke addiction, and i have some real anger, frustration, and paranoia issues. i feel sexually devoid, creatively stale, and mentally dull. i have glimpses of what it's like to feel confident, i am consumed with the need to travel, i have a special car, a decent mechanic, a lot of money invested in said car. i went cross country with my boyfriend this past summer, i fear obama won't get a second term, i am sure that evil persists and always will, i wonder if i'll be skinny again, i never go to the gym, i never ride my bike. i have decent roommates. i met my boyfriends parents. they're ok. i will most likely never have children. i am scared that my mom will die one day. i hate that i just wrote that last sentence. i'm trying to grow my hair down to my ass. i wish i loved more music. i want a pet so damn fucking bad. pit bull is my first choice if i got a dog. i really really want a cat, but can't have one in this house. i love my house. i have an amazing view from my window when the sun rises behind the ________ in the east. i wonder if my heart will give out on me sooner than later. i miss caring about things. i miss passion. i miss life. i feel like i'm waiting for nothing. i feel numb. i feel better than i did a month ago, and a month before that, and so on. my life is improving.

today, i woke semi-hungover. it was one of those mornings when i sit in bed way longer than i would have if my bf wasn't there. enter resentment. suggest we go to a movie. drop him at his home after, and head home to be productive. pass out instead. wake later and eat too much and sit on the internet doing nothing. hours pass. i cut up some fabric, but not for the project i should. i stress about deadlines. i procrastinate. i decide to go to bed sooner than later to try not to fuck up my schedule way too much for the next day. i end up on here blogging. i think about where to go on the internet next, and try to convince myself i won't do this for hours and instead will turn off all the electricity i'm now using and close my eyes and try to relax. thoughts return to all that i'm putting off, and all that i will probably put off tomorrow. i wonder why i do this. i self loathe.

getting better

so excited! i was full after eating almost all the rice and veggies i made, and set aside the last bit for later instead of eating it and then throwing up. yay me!

should be all right

i have a boyfriend. he is wonderful. i couldn't imagine finding someone who is so sweet to me, so understanding. i do have my feelings of annoyance here and there, but at least i am not crying. in fact, i never cry because of him. that is so 180 of how is was with my ex.
my ex. i hate what he did. moving past it, sure, but then there comes along someone who knows him, and old memories dredge up and it sucks.
i'm worried about how low on money i am, and how quickly it happened. moreso, i need to get paperwork done so i can prepare for the months ahead. i am ignoring toooooo much

new boyfriend

ok, so i'm pretty happy that i have someone special. it's a fucking relief. it's a huge ease to my loneliness. he sleeps with me, listens to me bitch, spends time with me, goes hiking, drinks coffee, plays board games, and we have the same friends. he loves meeting people i know, has introduced me to his, he and i are planning a huge trip this summer cross country, talk about tons of extensive travel together, parties with me, spends money on me, lets me spend on him, and loves to watch movies and shows with me. his taste in music is good, he likes a lot of what i do music wise, is smart, loves math, chess, backgammon, wants to go on bike rides with me, does me any favor i ask, goes down, has a sweet cock, beautiful eyes, is young but not immature at all, isn't religious, is funny, loves to cuddle, into pda no problem, and tells me he loves but isn't jealous at all. then why am i not madly in love? or a better question is... is it ok that i'm not madly in love? i feel like i love him, but i suspect there is a chance i don't. at least, i suspect that there is a chance that i don't want the same intensity of a relationship that he does. i also have another, stronger suspicion though... that if i was taking care of my life, i would be super happy to have him in my life just the way he is. also, he isn't working, he isn't trying to do anything specific other than hike and travel. and game. however, he's only in his mid 20's and hasn't followed through with college. he isn't much different than me when it comes to the lack of goals, but he is younger, so maybe that can or will change? i hope so. the flip side is it could get worse.
i pray i don't have to discuss this with him. i pray we even out.