clockwork

i don't know what to feel. i cry everyday like clockwork. i am angry so i don't have to be sad. god, i hate these words. i want to say something that can strike people so they know what i'm feeling, otherwise i feel so alone. so lost. i don't know what to do. i don't have what others do. i feel like i'm one of the people on this earth who isn't part of the top half. i have no enjoyment. i wish i had more hope. when i think of when i did feel like more was possible for me, it seems like i was fooling myself. i'm beginning to resign myself to being a loser and the only reason i won't die is out of cowardice and sympathy for those who would feel guilty if i left. i don't know what there is to live for, because i don't think i'll ever find what i need.