ha

i just remembered... i used to have to have valium on me at all times, just in case i ran into ____. not anymore. i of course, would feel sick to my stomach, but i'd stop short of a panic attack. god, i hope i don't test this theory. i hope it's a looooooooooong time before i run into him (even though i miss him like crazy. actually, because i still DO miss him like crazy).
good news. i FINALLY get to get a fucking haircut. i have no idea when my last was. maybe a year ago. almost. it's out of control. just in time to see my family and hit the big city. whoo hoo. thanks to _____ for loaning me the big bucks to make my xmas everything i could hope for. i sooooooooo have to make her a quilt.
speaking of sewing, i've been doing just that. it takes me a few hours after i wake up at about noon to get motivated to think about what i'm going to work on, and then another couple of hours to get to the machine. but these last few days, at least i'm getting to the machine and STAYING there. whoot whoot what. i sooooo have to finish 2 hoodies by saturday, and if i'm lucky, another one before i fly out tuesday. oh boy. leaves me no time to work on anything for me for east coast. oh well. i have a lot of nice things to wear anyway. i have sweet sweaters to bust out and i'll probably wear only boots the whole time i'm out there since i usually ride my bike everyday here. yeah yeah, i'll be drinking yeungling EVERYday and pizzer every other night. what what.
so... things seem to be falling into place. i hope i make the very most of this opportunity. i hope i go back to school and get a double major by 2012. i hope i re-experience the feeling of falling in love again and am able to enjoy it's rewards rather than let it's risks drive me insane. i hope i can paint my entire house and do some fixer upper stuff like replace my faucet, nail up the gutters, rototill the yard, and maybe fix the leak in my bathroom so i don't feel a wet splash when i am sitting on the toilet 30 seconds from regaining conscienceness. i hope i think i'm pretty again one day. i hope i get back into reading. i hope i can lay off living in the past. i hope i can shed unhealthy relationships or preferably get realllllllly good at drawing strict, fair boundaries from day 1. i hope i can have a family one day, or the equivalent thereof. i hope when i get a car, it's kick ass. i want a wagon dammit. volvo, subaru, corrolla... oh yeah. don't care what year, but hopefully old yet reliable. i want to take it up and down the mountain, not just up and down main st. and if it's green... whoa.
anyway, i also realllllllllly want to let go of my hate. not entirely, but enough so it's negligible when it comes to overpowering me. i want it there to challenge me, keep me sharp, but i don't want it clouding all that i do.

things sure are different

wow. won a lawsuit. got laid off and now i'm getting just as much with ui as i was with my checks thanks to no more garnishment. should be able to get out of default and go back to school with the new limit on fed max for fafsa. jeez. peace corps? prolly. new used car. uh huh. fabric, haircut, new pots and pans, coffee maker, trip out east for xmas, nye paid in full, no more cc mins, pay moms lots back, new clothes, decent coat and shoes, fix up my bikes, and so forth. wow. so glad this is happening. so worried about fucking it up. so glad it's happening now and not earlier in my life when i was still in love or on drugs or traveling a lot. wow.

still missing ____. can't wait til something else takes that place in my heart. hope it's not empty for all time. i refuse to refill it with garbage. that is what was there in the first place, and now here i am wishing i had more. jeez. steve perry, you're my hero, but you get me in trouble. no more.

wish i were prettier, or at least had a better rack. oh well. i do have a decent mind and i'm not fat. there's that. i can always improve my mind and body and my looks, mood, and friends will follow. i know that. it's hard tho. i keep remembering all the hurt and all the betrayal i've been on both sides of, and it's debilitating. i wish i weren't so alone. i wish i trusted people more. it's so lonely. i cry all the time. i wonder what it's like not to cry without feeling numb. to just NOT cry. i hope to one day find out.