ha

i just remembered... i used to have to have valium on me at all times, just in case i ran into ____. not anymore. i of course, would feel sick to my stomach, but i'd stop short of a panic attack. god, i hope i don't test this theory. i hope it's a looooooooooong time before i run into him (even though i miss him like crazy. actually, because i still DO miss him like crazy).
good news. i FINALLY get to get a fucking haircut. i have no idea when my last was. maybe a year ago. almost. it's out of control. just in time to see my family and hit the big city. whoo hoo. thanks to _____ for loaning me the big bucks to make my xmas everything i could hope for. i sooooooooo have to make her a quilt.
speaking of sewing, i've been doing just that. it takes me a few hours after i wake up at about noon to get motivated to think about what i'm going to work on, and then another couple of hours to get to the machine. but these last few days, at least i'm getting to the machine and STAYING there. whoot whoot what. i sooooo have to finish 2 hoodies by saturday, and if i'm lucky, another one before i fly out tuesday. oh boy. leaves me no time to work on anything for me for east coast. oh well. i have a lot of nice things to wear anyway. i have sweet sweaters to bust out and i'll probably wear only boots the whole time i'm out there since i usually ride my bike everyday here. yeah yeah, i'll be drinking yeungling EVERYday and pizzer every other night. what what.
so... things seem to be falling into place. i hope i make the very most of this opportunity. i hope i go back to school and get a double major by 2012. i hope i re-experience the feeling of falling in love again and am able to enjoy it's rewards rather than let it's risks drive me insane. i hope i can paint my entire house and do some fixer upper stuff like replace my faucet, nail up the gutters, rototill the yard, and maybe fix the leak in my bathroom so i don't feel a wet splash when i am sitting on the toilet 30 seconds from regaining conscienceness. i hope i think i'm pretty again one day. i hope i get back into reading. i hope i can lay off living in the past. i hope i can shed unhealthy relationships or preferably get realllllllly good at drawing strict, fair boundaries from day 1. i hope i can have a family one day, or the equivalent thereof. i hope when i get a car, it's kick ass. i want a wagon dammit. volvo, subaru, corrolla... oh yeah. don't care what year, but hopefully old yet reliable. i want to take it up and down the mountain, not just up and down main st. and if it's green... whoa.
anyway, i also realllllllllly want to let go of my hate. not entirely, but enough so it's negligible when it comes to overpowering me. i want it there to challenge me, keep me sharp, but i don't want it clouding all that i do.