things sure are different

wow. won a lawsuit. got laid off and now i'm getting just as much with ui as i was with my checks thanks to no more garnishment. should be able to get out of default and go back to school with the new limit on fed max for fafsa. jeez. peace corps? prolly. new used car. uh huh. fabric, haircut, new pots and pans, coffee maker, trip out east for xmas, nye paid in full, no more cc mins, pay moms lots back, new clothes, decent coat and shoes, fix up my bikes, and so forth. wow. so glad this is happening. so worried about fucking it up. so glad it's happening now and not earlier in my life when i was still in love or on drugs or traveling a lot. wow.

still missing ____. can't wait til something else takes that place in my heart. hope it's not empty for all time. i refuse to refill it with garbage. that is what was there in the first place, and now here i am wishing i had more. jeez. steve perry, you're my hero, but you get me in trouble. no more.

wish i were prettier, or at least had a better rack. oh well. i do have a decent mind and i'm not fat. there's that. i can always improve my mind and body and my looks, mood, and friends will follow. i know that. it's hard tho. i keep remembering all the hurt and all the betrayal i've been on both sides of, and it's debilitating. i wish i weren't so alone. i wish i trusted people more. it's so lonely. i cry all the time. i wonder what it's like not to cry without feeling numb. to just NOT cry. i hope to one day find out.