SO THAT'S A FRIEND...

ALL WINTER, ______ WOULDN'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WAS GOING THROUGH A SUPER FUCKED UP DEPRESSION OF MY OWN, AND HERE SHE IS BEING CLINGY, NAGGY, AND ON TWO OCCASIONS, VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE. I WAS FIRM AND CLEAR WITH HER WHEN I DISCUSSED MY NEEDS AND FEELINGS, AND DID EVERYTHING TO VALIDATE AND SOOTHE HER FEELINGS WHILE STILL MAINTAINING AND ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

CUT TO SUMMER, AND NOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. HAVING A BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND AT THIS POINT, SO RIGHT THERE, I'M FEELING A RIFT. I NOTICE WHENEVER WE TALK ON THE PHONE, OR SEE ONE ANOTHER, HE IS EITHER THERE, OR SHE IS LONELY AND NEEDING TO BE WITH ME UNTIL HE'S AROUND AGAIN. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO HIM. I SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS, AND OF COURSE, THIS IS HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS WITH ____.

SO, I DECIDE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO TO BE DONE WITH AN OLD FRIEND. THIS ONE TOO HAS A BOY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON, JUST AN ANNOYANCE REALLY. THAT IS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE TON OF ICE CREAM THAT IS HER INSINCERITY, DISHONESTY, DISGUSTING CHARACTER. I REALIZED SHE WOULD BETRAY ME IF THE SITUATION PRESENTED ITSELF. SHE'S THE TYPE TO CHEAT WITH HUSBANDS, SLEEP WITH GUYS HER FRIENDS ARE HOPING TO HOOK UP WITH, ETC. SHE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT MONEY, SHE HAS INSULTED ME WITH NAME CALLING BEHIND MY BACK, SHE HAS FLAKED ON PLANS, ETC... SO I'M DONE. I TELL ______ ALL ABOUT THIS, AND THEN THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME; WHAT IF SHE WERE TO BE DONE WITH ME?

ANYWAY, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT IS HAPPENING IS I HAVE GONE WAAAAAAAAAY DOWN ON HER LADDER OF PRIORITIES. FIRST SHE NEEDS ME CONSTANTLY, THEN SHE DOESN'T NEED ME AT ALL. SHE LEAVES ME APOLOGETIC MESSAGES THAT ARE MEANT TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER RATHER THAN ACTUALLY RESOLVE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HOW I'M FEELING DUE TO HER ACTIONS. I CALLED HER CRYING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER NIGHT... AFTER LISTENING TO ME AND ACKNOWLEDGING HER END OF THINGS, SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE'D PUT ME A NOTCH OR TWO HIGHER ON THE LADDER. I MEAN, I'M NOT WANTING IT LIKE THIS PAST WINTER... THAT WAS UNFAIRLY TOO MUCH! BUT IN LIGHT OF WHAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT HOW 2 OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FRIENDS I'VE HAD ARE BOTH GONE FROM MY LIFE NOW, AND IN LIGHT OF ME BRINGING UP MY VIEW OF HER ACTIONS, I REQUIRED A NOTCH OR TWO, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE CONVEYED WOULD HAPPEN AS OF RIGHT THEN. 2 DAYS LATER, IT'S THE SAME SHIT. SHE'S TOO BUSY TO CALL ME BACK WHEN WE PLAN ON TALKING. SHE CALLS LATER, AFTER THE FACT, TO APOLOGIZE AND 'HOPE I'M NOT MAD'.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HER ALL OF THIS ANOTHER WAY. OBVIOUSLY, TO ME AT LEAST, I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HER NOW LIKE I WAS, AND DISCUSSING IT WON'T CHANGE THAT. SHE HAS LET ME DOWN, SHOWN HERSELF TO BE A HYPOCRITE, AND IF SHE EVER DOES NEED ME AGAIN IN ANY CAPACITY, THERE WILL EXIST A WIDENED RIFT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRANSVERSIBLE.

damned

as soon as i have sex with the guy, i know there isn't a spark. the next morning, i just want to be alone so i can sleep in peace, i can't stand the thought of cuddling. i really like this guy, but i'm not feeling more for him than friendship.

he doesn't call me and i don't think a thing of it. i know his birthday is in a couple of days, and i'm glad he took the hints i was dropping and didn't put either of us in the position where i would have to say no if he were to invite me out with him and his friends.

his birthday comes and i start to feel bad. 'should i have hinted he should invite me?' i thought. 'maybe he didn't want me there... it's not as if he for sure is missing me wishing i were there...'

now i want him to know it's up to him. i don't know what the hell i'm doing or what i really want. maybe he can be patient enough to put up with me until i see what's right, and maybe he already knows what that is. i call and leave a message.

a half hour goes by. and then another hour. and then the whole night. i cried softly to myself in my bed waiting for sleep. i fuck up no matter what i do. i'm doomed. good for no one, interested in no one. alone forever.

next day now... if he never calls me again it's best for him. i'm no good. i wouldn't be nice enough to him. i'm not a good enough person for a real relationship. all i really can handle is what it takes to remain distracted from the hell we live in for a few hours at a time.