damned

as soon as i have sex with the guy, i know there isn't a spark. the next morning, i just want to be alone so i can sleep in peace, i can't stand the thought of cuddling. i really like this guy, but i'm not feeling more for him than friendship.

he doesn't call me and i don't think a thing of it. i know his birthday is in a couple of days, and i'm glad he took the hints i was dropping and didn't put either of us in the position where i would have to say no if he were to invite me out with him and his friends.

his birthday comes and i start to feel bad. 'should i have hinted he should invite me?' i thought. 'maybe he didn't want me there... it's not as if he for sure is missing me wishing i were there...'

now i want him to know it's up to him. i don't know what the hell i'm doing or what i really want. maybe he can be patient enough to put up with me until i see what's right, and maybe he already knows what that is. i call and leave a message.

a half hour goes by. and then another hour. and then the whole night. i cried softly to myself in my bed waiting for sleep. i fuck up no matter what i do. i'm doomed. good for no one, interested in no one. alone forever.

next day now... if he never calls me again it's best for him. i'm no good. i wouldn't be nice enough to him. i'm not a good enough person for a real relationship. all i really can handle is what it takes to remain distracted from the hell we live in for a few hours at a time.