new woman

new woman for him. so angry. glad that it's final now. no more fooling myself. but why did he lead me on so much for so long? so unfair that he is starting with someone new when i'm incapable of that.

compared

TELL ME I'LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS YOUR OTHERS. TELL ME I'M BELOW YOUR STANDARDS AND ALL THE GENEROSITY IN THE WORLD WILL NOT BALANCE OUT THE FACT THAT I AM NOT WORTH STAYING WITH. TELL ME THESE THINGS SO I CAN MOVE ON AND ADJUST TO A LIFE OF LONGING AND MISERY. PLS LIFT ALL FALSE HOPE I COULD POSSIBLY HOLD ONTO. THE SOONER I ACCEPT MY LACK OF TALENT, LOOKS, AND COMMON SENSE, THE SOONER I CAN LEAVE YOU TO BUILD A BETTER LIFE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

yay just catching the bus (and you)

i am so glad i saw you today. i saw how in love with me you are. i know what i have to worry about, and other women are not at the top of the list (they are on there, but there are bigger obstacles to our union).

just please stay with me, don't stop seeing me or thinking of me or wanting me. i can be as patient as it takes, and i won't give up. more importantly, i will learn to ACCEPT you as is, and i will learn to be grateful for all you have to give, and not get pissed if there isn't more.

why do i feel ok?

you and i spoke, and the next day i felt better. i shouldn't have, because our conversation was nothing but sad... but you are soothing to me. you are the arms of my mother when i need to be rocked to sleep. you are the coffee that wakes me up when i can't keep my eyes open. you are the freshness in the air that clears my head when i go hiking in the old growth. if i go without contact with you, i slowly waste away.

looking at the walls

i am so lonely. i want to talk with someone, and not have it be an old, worn out conversation i have had with so many before. i miss the man i love. i could have gone on a day trip with him, but i knew that i would feel worse afterwards because my desire for him would grow, yet he would stay firm in his decision to not be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

i like to think he misses me and loves me. i really try not to hope that he will come back one day, otherwise i'll wait forever and ever. i'll never enjoy my life, i'll be living in pergutory, and i will start to do crazy things like showing up at his house to try to get some feeling of accomplishment.

i'm boring myself. i am so tired of explaining over and over how much i miss him, how much i want him, how sad i am he won't have me. i really really want him here with me. i want him to lay in my bed. i lay in bed and imagine his footsteps coming up the stairs and then there's a knock at my door, and it's him! it is so sad when i open my eyes and i see nothing but my furniture and the walls.

goodbye

i couldn't go on that day trip with you even though i have been wanting to go away with you for so long. it could have been a great bonding experience for us. if there was a slight chance that you would want me to be your girlfriend again, spending the day driving for hours, walking around in a big exciting city, eating in a new restaurant, and finishing the evening with your absolute favorite musician and sitting with you as you cried like a baby would have helped.

i couldn't chance that you didn't want me back. i couldn't knowingly subject myself to being your friend only. as much as i want to be supportive and understanding of you, and as much as it hurts me when i think that you may have needed me and instead of being with you, i refused to go, it is worse to consider my own hurt when i hoped and hoped and hoped you would take me in your arms and kiss me violently, professing your undying desire to be with me no matter what. seeing you, hearing your voice... these things give me false hope. you don't want me as more than a friend. wait... that's not true, you want more than friendship from me, you just don't want to owe me anything more than what's entailed in a simple friendship. you don't love me enough to make me a priority in your life. you don't see it as possible that you could do right by me as a the kind of boyfriend i need you to be and also devote yourself to your art and your work at the same time.

if you're right about that, then it's only fair that you leave me alone. seeing you makes me want you more and more. even though i don't trust you to not see other women and to always tell me the truth, i still want you. i need to get used to you out of my life entirely, because any contact with you adds salt to my wounds.

argh

yay... my teeth look and feel better than they have in quite a long time. it makes a big difference having something go well, rather than having to deal with yet another frustration.
i got a good amount of work done this past weekend. i need to get up to a faster rate of accomplishment, but i have definitely improved from the past couple of months.
as far as my feeling for my ex... i am slowly but surely finding new perspectives. on the one hand, i don't want to let go of the feelings i have had for him for so long, because i think it is possible for us to remain together and be happy in the future. on the other hand, if in fact he really isn't fully in love with me and moves on to another fucking bitch-ass cunt, then i'll be glad to remember all the fucked up shit he's pulled on me for far too fucking long. argh.