goodbye

i couldn't go on that day trip with you even though i have been wanting to go away with you for so long. it could have been a great bonding experience for us. if there was a slight chance that you would want me to be your girlfriend again, spending the day driving for hours, walking around in a big exciting city, eating in a new restaurant, and finishing the evening with your absolute favorite musician and sitting with you as you cried like a baby would have helped.

i couldn't chance that you didn't want me back. i couldn't knowingly subject myself to being your friend only. as much as i want to be supportive and understanding of you, and as much as it hurts me when i think that you may have needed me and instead of being with you, i refused to go, it is worse to consider my own hurt when i hoped and hoped and hoped you would take me in your arms and kiss me violently, professing your undying desire to be with me no matter what. seeing you, hearing your voice... these things give me false hope. you don't want me as more than a friend. wait... that's not true, you want more than friendship from me, you just don't want to owe me anything more than what's entailed in a simple friendship. you don't love me enough to make me a priority in your life. you don't see it as possible that you could do right by me as a the kind of boyfriend i need you to be and also devote yourself to your art and your work at the same time.

if you're right about that, then it's only fair that you leave me alone. seeing you makes me want you more and more. even though i don't trust you to not see other women and to always tell me the truth, i still want you. i need to get used to you out of my life entirely, because any contact with you adds salt to my wounds.