looking at the walls

i am so lonely. i want to talk with someone, and not have it be an old, worn out conversation i have had with so many before. i miss the man i love. i could have gone on a day trip with him, but i knew that i would feel worse afterwards because my desire for him would grow, yet he would stay firm in his decision to not be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

i like to think he misses me and loves me. i really try not to hope that he will come back one day, otherwise i'll wait forever and ever. i'll never enjoy my life, i'll be living in pergutory, and i will start to do crazy things like showing up at his house to try to get some feeling of accomplishment.

i'm boring myself. i am so tired of explaining over and over how much i miss him, how much i want him, how sad i am he won't have me. i really really want him here with me. i want him to lay in my bed. i lay in bed and imagine his footsteps coming up the stairs and then there's a knock at my door, and it's him! it is so sad when i open my eyes and i see nothing but my furniture and the walls.