a fucking lie.

I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT MYSELF FOR HOW HORRIBLE I LOOK. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I AM OLDER AND MY FACE HAS WRINKLES AND IT HANGS THE WAY IT DOES. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I'M JUST NOT THAT PRETTY AND MY SKIN IS NOT NICE. BUT TO LET MY STOMACH GO?!?!? AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUST. I MEAN, MOST 12 YEAR OLDS HAVE MORE THAN I DO. AND REALLY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT IS AN ISSUE IN IT'S SELF, BUT WHEN I HAVE A FUCKED UP CURVATURE OF MY SPINE THAT MAKES MY AMPLE ASS STICK OUT FURTHER THAN IT ALREADY DOES, AND WHEN MY STOMACH WILL NEVER BE CONCAVE FROM THE SIDE BECAUSE OF SAID CURVATURE, I CAN NOT AFFORD A HUGE STOMACH!!! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE HOW I ACT, I HATE HOW LITTLE I HAVE, HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE, HOW MUCH I'VE LOST AND LET GO. I FUCKING HATE IT ALL. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH THE WAY IT IS. I WANT TO FIND A HOLE WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS TO HURT ME OR REMIND ME OF HOW INEPT I AM AND HOW MEAN TOO MANY OTHERS ARE. BUT SHORT OF SUICIDE OR HERION, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. IT'S A LOT MORE FESIOBLE TO THINK OF ONE DAY GETTING A HANDLE ON MY GOALS, MY DETERMINATION, MY EMOTIONS, BUT IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DO THAT WHEN I HAVE LOSS AFTER LOSS EATING AWAY AT ME AND I SEE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT AND LEFT ME DOING INCREDIBLY WELL DESPITE BEING SELFISH AND MEAN. I AM JUST PLAIN STUPID, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT. I AM WORTH KEEPING COMPANY WHEN BEING USED, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FIND REAL JOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I SUPPLY NONE OF THAT. I AM DISGUSTING, I SHOULDN 'T BE HERE. I AM MERELY FOOD THAT OTHERS FEED ON SO THEY CAN GROW STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL. I FUCKING HATE THEM FOR NOT NEEDING ME LIKE I NEED THEM. I HATE THAT I AM NOT AS BIG AN ASSHOLE AS SO MANY OTHERS SO THAT I CAN BENEFIT FROM BEING ABLE TO WALK ALL OVER OTHERS AND ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE. I MOSTLY HATE MY EX FOR LEAVING ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I HATE MYSELF MORE FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN IN FIRST PLACE... LETTING MYSELF BELIEVE THAT I ONLY NEEDED HIM AND THAT IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE TO HOLD ONTO HIM IN MY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSTANTLY TURN A BLIND EYE TO HIS LYING AND CHEATING. I HATE NEEDING ANYONE OR ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ALIVE. I NO LONGER HAVE JOY OR ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER GOTTEN HAPPY ABOUT HAS BEEN A LIE. A FUCKING LIE.