i can't believe i actually saw you last night

oh jesus, it was so incredibly good seeing you. having contact with you. i know we were going back and forth with pointing out what the other did wrong and defending what we thought we each did right. i know it was a fight, but it didn't feel like that. my emotions were so alive right then, just because i have MISSED you so much for so long, and now i had you there. it was safe... we weren't alone, it wasn't a surprise that we both happened to be there. it was a place we had stood together many times before, but not a place where we had been intimate.

you looked good. at the time, i didn't feel the urge to touch you or be touched, but remembering our interaction last night, my mind drifts into fantasies where you hold me, embrace me, and stare into my eyes while you run your hands over my hair, brushing it from my face, touching my skin softly with your finger tips while you make affectionate shh-ing noises and smile.

ah! that's all bullshit of course. at the time, i didn't even entertain such a notion. it was way more thrilling being in the midst of a battle of the old kind we're so used to. it feels like we're sharpening our blades on one another after eveyone else has left us dull. at least for me... i don't know with certainty that you hold me in a place higher than most like i do you. i do know that my gut tells me i'm just one of many for you... one of many women you'd like to fuck, one of many woman who make you laugh, one of many women who fit your 'type' (which, unsurprisingly, looks just like your mom), one of many woman who come somewhat close to your intelligence. it kills me that i'm not nearly as special in your book as you led me to believe. you fucking liar.

anyway, i woke up feeling great today. i could say it's because i finally was able to show you a bit of what it is like when i call you out on every bit of your game-playing, manipulative, dishonest, monster-like behavior, but that's not the whole truth (in other words: an 'omissive' lie... look it up). instead i have to admit that i woke up feeling great today because i love you. 'i love you' doesn't really cover what it is i mean, but suffice to say it had more to do with feeling a rush of relief and pleasure with you in my presence than not.

you said things like 'we can never be friends again', and 'i hope i never see you again'. and i agree... to a point. because never is a word that never really works, you know? i think i'll always believe there's a chance we can resolve what there is between us. i just don't find it at all likely. and the biggest reason is: your insincerity. even if you were to embark on trying to rebuild something of any form what so ever with me, it would only be to feed your fucked up, twisted, sick ego... to add me to your ever-widening harem of exes you like to keep strung along. it would have nothing to do with true remorse.

you mentioned feeling regret and remorse over some your actions... but i don't believe that. you're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you couldn't indefinately get away with it. you said you really loved me. i wish i knew that were true. you say that, but you didn't show me that! don't say it if you're not going to show it! don't say you loved me after all the shit you did to me. break up with me, fuck me when you know i want you back, but you don't want me still, get back with me anyway only to leave me the first time it looks like you don't have to be alone again because some dumb ass girl doesn't yet see you for who you are and is buying into the facade your putting up. don't say you love me, you fucking liar. love is reserved for people who TRY.