may december

OK, SO I'M INVOLVED WITH A TWENTY YEAR OLD. IT'S KINDA AWESOME AND KINDA DISTURBING AT THE SAME TIME. THAT'S GOOD. THE FLIPSIDE WOULD BE IF I WERE TOTALLY SHAMELESS AND WAS BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE WITH A WORKING EAR, AND THINKING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "IT'S LOVE", OR "I'M GOING TO DEMI MOORE HIS FINE ASS". THAT HAPPENS TO BE WHAT MY 40 SOMETHING SISTER IS DOING (I'M 30 SOMETHING... THE BOYS ARE OF COMPARABLE AGE).

IT'S FUNNY... HER AND I BOTH END UP WITH A WAAAAAAAAAAY YOUNGER GUY AT THE VERY SAME TIME. THE TIMING COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME. JUST WHEN MY THOUGHTS WERE TURNING TO UNREALISTIC FANTASY, AND I STARTED ENTERTAINING CRAZY IDEAS INVOLVING COMMITMENT AND FULFILLMENT, HERE COMES BIG SIS ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, WRECKING HER LIFE, HER SONS' LIVES, AND WITH NO SIGN OF LETTING UP. SHE IS just ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THE MANY INFLUENCES IN MY LIFE THAT HAS MADE MISTAKES AND NOT LEARNED FROM THEM. I REFUSE TO BE THAT OBLIVIOUS. TRUE, I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M NOT A GENIUS, BUT I WON'T LAY DOWN AND PRETEND TO MYSELF THAT I'M RETARDED JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO INDULGE SELFISH, PSYCHOTIC WHIMS OVER AND OVER RATHER THAN SEARCH FOR THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM BUILDING TRUST UPON RESPECT AND MUTUAL, HONEST AGREEMENT (AND NO, I'M NOT BEING NAIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)