boyfriend broke up with me. devastaed. begging and pleading for him to come back. let him sleep with me hoping he wanted back. he didn't. he wanted more sex, he missed me. we negotiated. we got back together. he freaked out and finally left me for good. still wanted sex though. somewhere along the way he met someone else and didn't tell me. i found them hanging out at his house one day when i stopped by, knowing we were done, hoping we could still work it out. devasted. finally accepted it was really over for good. from the initial break up to finding out he's seeing someone else = 4 months.
hate. anger. all of a sudden, the dam broke and my denial no longer could hold back all the facts. i had to face the ugly truth. i couldn't keep hoping that all the lies, secrets, and gut feelings were going to be smashed away in the long run when ____ professed his undying love and devotion. not only would it never turn out the way i wanted, but it most likely had been a lie and a charade the whole time. i felt used. i felt utterly unloved and unlovable. i had no trust for myself. i questioned whether i could ever make a smart decision in my life to come, since every decision up until that point had lead me to complete misery. i had wrapped my self-worth in him and him alone. i had never felt so low in all of my life.
my anger kept building and building. i hated what he did, i hated putting up with it for so long. i kicked myself from here til next tuesday for staying after he said this, after she did that and so on. interspersed in all the feelings of betrayl, i also had to face all the times i had hurt others in the ways he hurt me. it was horrendeous. i wanted him to apologize to me, but i had no idea how to go about apologizing to those i hurt. i wanted him to admit every little thing. i wanted to know i was absolved of responsibilty. i wanted to hear that i did everything i could to save us and he threw it away. i wanted to be viewed as a martyer. but my guilt about my past was tugging at me.
enter the young boy. i finally have a friend. someone to talk to everyday. someone who understands hurt and being lied to. someone who i trust and who trusts me. he lives too far away and there's too much of an age difference, but still, he's the closest thing i have to a boyfriend, and it helps me enormously to no longer feel so alone. i shed my old friends realizing our relationships are unhealthy, co-dependant, disrespectful, etc. i am excited to let new positive experiences into my life now that i've finally seen the poison i was lugging around. however, this also reminds me that i was probably the same poison to ____ that my old friends were to me. i hated viewing myself in that light. better to harp on how mean and unfair everyone is and how honest and hard-working i am.
i fantisize about the boy and what our relationship could be. i knowingly push it along further and further even though i shouldn't because he is emotional and latching onto me in an unhealthy way. there is a measure of restraint on my end, but i wonder if i shouldn't just somehow nip it all in the bud.
other than this long-distance boy, my dates and hook-ups have been disgusting. nothing redeeming, admirable, exciting, fun. lots of alcohol and some drugs have led to grumsome displays of carnal messes, each one better left without bothering to pick up after, as if i was staying in one hotel after another so why make the bed or hang up the towel? the worst moments in all these months since the break up have been when flashes of ____ with other women pop in my head. it's like firecrackers in the middle of the night, they scare me so bad. i am so depressed at this point that i am the heaviest i've ever been. i hate how i look. all the constant crying and stress and anxiety have aged my face and all my hurt seeps through my eyes for all to see. i cannot hide my misery. i cannot pull myself up out of the pit of despair. it sucks. i fight feeblely so that i may survive another day without considering suicide. it doesn't always work. my thoughts are beginning to scare me. how will i at my age find friends, make money, travel, have a family, fall in love, look decent when i have so few resources and have given away so much. i had a hard time in my 20s feeling worthy and motivated. now in my 30s, i felt the complete opposite.
one day i have an epiphany. during one of my many conversations with the boy, i'm considering the possiblity i may need to change the nature of our contact, otherwise i'm sure to lead him on and on, and hold myself back, which would enivitably lead to nothing but hurt. i push the thought away as usual. it comes up all the time. but then my roommate wants me to smoke a bowl and is very insistant. while still on the phone, i take a bong hit and immediately fall into the heaving, crass coughing that will get me so fucking stoned. too stoned. sure enough, while listening to ______ on the phone, i am overcome with perspective. i can't get away from him soon enough.
anyway, the horrible things i do? i rage with all the wrath i can muster against those that have hurt me, convinced i am innocent and they are evil. liars through and through, and i did no wrong, i deserved nothing but praise, yet received the oppoiste. then, low and behold, i find myself in exactly the same situation on exactly the opposite side. so i berate those that made mistakes in trying to care for me, and i abandon those that wanted me more than i wanted them. i lead on everyone hoping they think i feel the same as they do so they won't leave. i ignore that nothing is forever, and that sooner or later i will be on one end or the other. i stand up on that self-made pedestal instead and preach and cry and yell and shake my fist in the air for all passing by to see. my attempts at self-deception leaves wounded men in my wake, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself they are mere annoyances.
i am a fucking bitch-ass-cunt. i hate me.
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