he doesn't hate me

_______ DOESN'T HATE ME. HE WAS SO SWEET AND KIND. I LOVED LISTENING TO HIS VOICE. I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK AT HOW HUMBLE AND CLEAR HE WAS IN HIS MANNER. HOW UNASSUMING AND STRAIGHT FORWARD. HOW HEALTHY. HERE WAS A MAN I CONSIDERED THE WORST DRUNK I HAVE EVER MET, AND NOW HE IS IN COLLEGE AGAIN, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR OVER 3 YEARS. HE DOESN'T DRINK AT ALL NOW... IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR. HE IS STILL AT THE SAME JOB. HE IS SO CARING. I MUST HAVE KNOWN HE WAS ALL THESE THINGS. I FORGOT. things were so bad for so very long between us.

WHEN I MET HIM, HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAD EVER SEEN. I MAY STILL THINK THAT. ____ IS ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL... or maybe they are even. IT'S HARD TO SAY WHO I LOVE MORE. THEY ARE BOTH RARE, exquisite BEAUTIES. I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE SHARED TIME WITH THEM. they both have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen in my life.

I SENT ____ AN EMAIL OF APOLOGY 2 DAYS AGO. NO RESPONSE BUT THAT'S OK. JUST LIKE I WAS WILLING TO WAIT AS LONG AS IT TOOK UNTIL _______ FORGAVE ME, THAT'S WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO WITH ____. OMG. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE I JUST SPOKE WITH _______! OF COURSE IT PAINS ME TO KNOW HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME. BUT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I WOULDN'T BE HAPPY WITH HIM IN THE LONG RUN. I JUST WANTED TO BELIEVE THINGS COULD STAY THE WAY I WANTED THEM TO. BOTH OF THOSE GUYS SAW THAT THINGS WEREN'T GOING TO LAST, AND BOTH OF THEM HAD TO DEAL WITH WANTING ME YET KNOWING OUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE UNHEALTHY.

OF COURSE THIS MEANS I NEED TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABILITY OF ____ FALLING IN LOVE IF HE HASN'T ALREADY. BOTH OF THEM ARE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN. BUT AT LEAST NOW, I KNOW THAT _______ DID LOVE ME, STILL HAS A PIECE OF ME INSIDE OF HIM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE REMEMBERS WHY HE WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HEARD IT IN HIS VOICE. HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T HATE ME AND THERE WAS PLENTY OF WRONG THINGS THAT HE DID ON HIS END AND THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD. HE APOLOGIZED THROUGH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. HE ALSO REASSURED ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK.

HE MENTIONED HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SEE A THERAPIST ONCE A MONTH. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. TO SEE THE STRIDES AND SUCESSES THAT HE HAS PERFORMED DURING THESE PAST FEW YEARS. INSPIRING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SO GLAD HE'S SOLID, BALANCED, AND HAPPY. HE SOUNDED GREAT, AND HE SOUNDED GLAD TO HEAR FROM ME. SO REASSURING. HE ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING, AND I SUMMED UP MY CURRENT PATHETIC SITUATION, BUT ADDED THAT I REALLY HOPE TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY one day... PERHAPS THROUGH TEACHING OVERSEAS OR THROUGH THE PEACE CORPS. AT THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS PROUD OF HIM AND HAPPY FOR HIM, AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, THAT I WOULD GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO BE AND I WILL GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT'S WHAT I WANTed. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD GET WHAT I WANT... IN THAT MOMENT, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE TO EVER HAD ENTER MY LIFE SHOWED ME HE BELIEVED IN ME. SOMEONE THAT HAD OVERCOME ODDS JUST AS AGAINST HIM AS ANY AGAINST ME. AND HE FORGAVE ME.