just posted a lot of new photos on my facebook. there's a few with a boy i spent the actual new year with. just me and him and some shrooms and molly. good times. but wait... it was at a show and i met him through our mutual friend who we lost along the way after my friend found her way to a random guy... long story short, i was way into this guy but could tell he was not going to go beyond just friends. if i weren't so high, i would have told myself to let it go, but instead i figured i had nothing to lose by pushing it by kissing and hugging him. hell, i was hugging EVERYBODY! but kissing just him. he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss back either. he was higher than i, so i guessed that was why i was getting mixed messages rather than a blow off, but still... i was hoping for a miraculous event (thanks to the huge rush of seratonian), so i pushed. it wasn't until we all met up after the show and i asked him if he wanted to continue to hang out that he finally fessed up to having a girlfriend. she was down in mexico waiting for him.
it was funny... on the one hand, i feel silly for going there and getting rejected, on the other, he didn't reject me. he spent almost the whole show with me, was with me at midnight, and didn't make me feel weird once. even when he had to finally tell me he had a girlfriend, i still got the feeling that he did like me... i can't read his mind, but i get the feeling he enjoyed having a cute, friendly girl to hand out with at a show he only knew a couple of accquaintences at, and that he didn't feel the slightest urge to do anything against his relationship, but at the same time, it was a sweet, flirty thing. argh, i'm not really putting this into the most elegant wording, but the long and short of it is that i'm glad to have spent time with him that night. he was incredibly beautiful. he was tall and scientific and smart and skinny and a mountain man. ooooh.
anyway, i was putting pics up on facebook, and i was hoping that by seeing them, my ex and my enemies would witness how incredible i am, and how i don't care about what they've done to me and they are wrong and i am great. fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. i hope one day I KNOW i am great and i hope that one day I HAVE a boyfriend who is every bit as wonderful as that one guy and he stays true to me that guy stays true to his gf. one day, one day, one day.
thing is, none of that will happen so long as i sit on this damn computer everyday. but i'm sad, i'm frightened, i'm tired, i'm alone, i'm sick, i'm bored, i'm dumb, i'm weak, i'm lazy, i'm stuck. i know how to change all these things, but so far, not really happening. lazy, lazy, lazy. i saw an ad on cl. damn cute. my age. soooo tempted to answer, but i don't like the chance of rejection, or lameness, or anyone i know finding out about it. argh. i will try to look out for him randomly in rl instead. that's better. argh. he seems like the tight black pants type anyway.
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