how much longer?

i've got this crazy idea in my head that my ex misses me and is really sorry and wants things to be smoother between us and for both of us to apologize and that he is lonely and alone and so on and i'm fucking crazy. there is no way his life is even half as pathetic as mine. i am too heavy, i have almost no friends, my family however loving is a lot more lame than his, my looks are not as good as his, his sex life would have to be non existent to mirror mine, and he would need to have slept with only the bottom of the barrel these last few months. i am sure he is sleeping with a woman he loves, and if not that, women that are hot and want him. i have no one but a young boy thousands of miles away that is kinda cute, kinda smart, and really not extraordinary. my exes are all just ok. nothing special. the best thing about any of them is that they wanted to stay with me. none of them are doing anything special with their lives. in fact, most are fucked up and lonely and losers just like me. ____ used me. he never loved me as anything more than just a friend. he knew he would never stay with me. he was getting the most out of the situation he found himself in with me until something better came along. just like when my ex-friend _______ would make plans with me just because she had nothing else to do, but would cancel without hesitation at anything else at all. jesus. i really have been sinking sooooo low this entire time. i mean my whole life. when anyone that seems remotely incredible shows any interest in me, i immediately sabatoge it just to avoid them finding out what i feel to be inevitable... that i am worthless and lame and disgusting. i swear, at times like these, i am glad i have such an aversion to suicide instilled in me thanks to religion. if nothing else, i still have retained that even though my faith in god is gone. my father that never was. shit. shit. shit. i cannot believe that anyone that feels the way that i do right now ever felt better down the road. i wish i could find inspirational stories about woman like me who moved onward and upward, but i know any story however close to what i have in mind will have holes in it.

i miss being in love. i miss that serene feeling in his arms. i miss knowing that he is there, sooner or later. shit, i waited and waited for that prick, so sure that if only i waited long enough, he would be there. be there. i just had to wait. i didn't care how long. as long as he didn't tell me, 'there is someone else' or, 'i am not in love with you now, nor will i ever be', i could wait. funny thing is, both of those things were true, they were happening. he was too much of a coward to tell me, too selfish to let me go when he was so dependent on what i supplied him, and i was too scared to let myself see how i was really being treated. i wanted to live in the fantasy because the truth was too fucking scary. i was fucked no matter what. if he left, if he stayed. him staying only put off the inevitable. i see that now. i didn't want to believe that when he told me the night he broke up with me. i wanted to believe we could work it out. but he had no intention of making the relationship work the way in wanted it to at any point ever ever ever.

i can not stand how much better everyone he knew was than me. the only ones that were not better than me were the ones he fucked before me that still wanted him and he still wanted their attention. i swear, out of the dozens of people who i met through him, only a handful considered me worthy of breath.

i want to be loved. i want to love myself. i want to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, but i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

how much longer is this going to last???????????/