i don't get it

so lonely. there were so many men hitting on me last night... but none of them were interesting or very good looking. i miss my ex. i wish i had interesting, special people in my life. i am very grateful for all the love and all the people who like to spend time with me, but i can't remember the last time i really LAUGHED with someone because of something they said.

i miss my ex. i miss that feeling of laughter. i miss having someone to hold or to lean against. i barely miss sex though. jesus. i can't watch porn without wondering if i'll ever have decent sex again. ever. i don't know what to do in this moment. i know i need to get out and do things like read, go to the gym, get into school. i am afraid i will waste too much of my money or fuck up my UI. i need to be smart about my decisions in these next few weeks. super smart... and that paralyzes me. everything paralyzes me. i have the hardest time concentrating. jesus. anxiety. oh god.

i long for ____, but i feel like i don't even know him. tonight, i found a new picture of him online and i didn't recognize him. he's an entirely different person than the guy i dated. of course he is who he is and i must have loved an apparition, but i can't help longing for who it was i loved.

there is a laundry list of what i want in a man, in my friends, in my life... i put a ton on them on my ex, and now that he ran away from me, i have no one to put all that on. i feel so alone, drifting, hurt, alone. i am afraid to have any involvment with any men because i can't stand the possibility of being misled or the possibility of hurting someone or feeling trapped. damn, damn, damn.

i need a fuller life. tomorrow i will go to the gym, work on a custom order overdue, and shop for a vehicle and make a list of what i need to look for in a vehicle.