why don't i feel good?

i bought a car this week. i should be fucking happy. jesus fucking christ, all i could do a few months ago was fantasize about how a car would make me feel better. i wouldn't have to spend time on the bus, i wouldn't have to be around those lame people on the bus, i wouldn't have to wait for the bus where anyone in the world could see me standing there alone, most likely wearing something lame or embarrassing. i wouldn't have to go grocery shopping with my bike and therefore make the cashier pissed because i needed to bag everything just so. i wouldn't have to go light to naked lady parties or ask for rides home or not be able to buy detergent the same day i bought soda or not be able to go to a fun party out of town or get to the coast or do a favor for a friend or lug my stuff to a street fair to sell... for god's sake, i would have a million ways in which my life would vastly improve. but here i am feeling alone, feeling unhappy, feeling unloved and unlovable. even though i LOVE my car and it is EXACTLY what i wanted (how lucky is that? thank you craigslist!), it feels empty and bittersweet. i don't have anywhere special to go with it, no one i can win over because of it, no one i can go see or fuck in the middle of the night via it. damn. you see, if i had a job, i could appreciate it more. instead, i feel vain and compensatory.

good thing is now i can go to the gym. seriously, i should have just done it with my bike, but i didn't. thing is, it's one thing to ride the bike with a sense of pride, however for me it was just demoralizing. i wasn't doing it for exercise or fresh air or the environment... i was doing it because the only other option was the bus. and then the weather turned, i was home too many hours of too many days, and i started in with the bus. what the fucking fuck?!??!?

i am frustrated. this tinge of anger i'm feeling right now is a welcome break from the usual sadness that permeates each hour of each day now. i am depressed. can't get out of bed, do not like to look in the mirror, do not enjoy myself unless i'm high (and even then, i'm not really having the fun i used to on drugs). i can't bring myself to fuck anyone, but that doesn't matter, because no one is really lining up anyway. i can't give it away. so many people tell me i look a lot younger than i am, yet i'm not getting the attention i used to. or at least it seems. it may be that i'm going after hotter guys than i used to and i'm not giving it out to the same ugly types i always used to... so there's more rejection nowadays. a lot more. but even though i rationally KNOW that's ok, i have to ask myself if this new rejection is because i'm older and uglier, or i'm coming off more DESPARATE and therefore uglier.
anyway, this entry is a bit unorganized, but fuck it. i needed to vent, and vent i did. tomorrow i hope to go to a new movie with an old friend (and hopefully he won't hit on me, but unfortunately that is likely). i also hope to hit the gym. i did yesterday for the first time in weeks, and lord did it help!