reading

so, it was for a while that i couldn't read at all. the thought of reading caused me to feel so horrible that only death could fix that feeling on the spot. i would cringe in wait for that feeling to pass. i shifted my thoughts away from books or subjects of interest or academic merit as quickly as possible. i found myself playing backgammon online over and over... it was a way to interact with other humans, be better than them, and not involve words. the mere mention of a bookstore or an author would throw me into a tizzy in my head. it was like i was suddenly caught in a room full of angry bees... they were angry i dared to compete with the likes of my ex and those around him that pursued reading and learning... especially the woman he left me for.

things are much better now. however, they are not all better. i need to read. i need to write. actually, i think if i wrote a little everyday, esp. at the beginning of the day, i would feel more grounded instead of soooo very scattered. then i would have more confidence. for instance, even though i KNOW i like to read and i know how important it is, and i know i have read a ton ever since i was very young and it was without the prompting of anyone at all, i still have this buzzing in the back of my brain that says i'm doing it to impress others. shit. perhaps both are true... i want it to improve my mind and to gain admiration from others. i don't yet know if that is all right. what percentage of each should i be at? where would i feel most comfortable? anyway, beginning to write will guide me to where i need to be with my reading. i know it. and that in itself is so way beyond where i was a few months ago.