got my hopes up

ok, so this super young guy gets interested in me. i get interested in him. we met thru a friend. i had them over for a small gathering with some of my other friends. he asked me if i wanted to get together after the weekend since i was going out of town the next day. i was all about it. we texted a couple of times that night and the next day. i was sweet but a touch distant in my texts. i didn't want to appear too eager. come monday, i don't hear from him. i email him early that evening. nothing so far.

maybe he is waiting til saturday. he texted something about joining a game with him and his friends. maybe he did call me but just didn't leave a message and since my phone was off i wouldn't know he called. maybe he just got really stoned. maybe he met some other girl. maybe he realized i was lame. maybe our mutual friend told him something that made him think twice. maybe he thinks i don't like him. i don't fucking know. it's like i told a friend of mine struggling with the same sort of boy issues... you have no way of thinking of every single possibility there is, therefore there is a chance that the right answer is unknown, therefore do not try to guess, do not assume. just wait and/or try to contact them. well, this is what i'm doing. i am also reminding myself that i have feelings of trepidation about this anyway. 1) huge age difference. 2) weight issue. 3) std issue. 4) self-image issue. 5) jealousy issue. 6) money issue.

however, every time i see a picture of this guy, he looks soooo good. also, he's extremely smart and exactly my type as far as hair and eyes. also, he's talented. if he has a huge cock, then i'll be really sad to have to let him slip thru the cracks, because then he'd be just perfect, wouldn't he? i just don't have it in me to play these games right now. i don't need or want everything spelled out in stone, but i also am not strong enough to deal with rejection. no. not going to do it. not going to throw myself at this guy hoping i can kiss his ass just the way he likes it. not going to pretend to be something i'm not. furthermore, i need to remind myself that i don't even really know him. maybe he's not all that. maybe it's better to hang onto him as a friend rather than a lover. maybe he'll come in real handy one day when i need a laborer... or something.

the good to come out of all this no matter what is: for the first time in a loooong time, i felt feelings similar to what i felt for ____. i found someone better looking the more he spoke. i found myself feeling engaged in conversation right away. i was asked for my # by someone i liked and then actually called. there is hope... just not a shit load.