i can't believe he doesn't hate me!

ah thank god! i emailed ____ and not only did he email back but he actually used the picture i sent (reason for the email) for his profile pic. it was the most i could have hoped for! i was expecting more of the same as far as him completely ignoring me.

ah, so relieved. i know i shouldn't be so hung up on what he thinks of me, but how could i not? i spent so long with him, i spent a ton on energy on him, a lot of investment inside and out. i'm glad to know that i can move on and have something like that with someone else one day, but at the same time i will NEVER have some of the joy he and i shared with anyone ever again. it would be one thing if he were dead and therefore that is why there could never be a connection again, but the way things have been, there was always the possibility of running into him and he HATING me... at least this way i know he and i can be civil and salvage what decent memories we share without ignoring them because of all the horrible things we did to one another.

i just couldn't accept that it all had to be canceled out. also, i fucking MISS him! now this doesn't mean i'm all about trying to have coffee with him anytime soon (if ever), but to know that he has a moment or two where he remembers something fondly relating to me is enough to help me accept the loss that has occurred. i still need to write some more about this... shift it around in my head to clearly and concisely figure out my perspective on this unexpected change, but for now i feel a cloud that has been sticking around ominous and dark gray is now moving slowly in the opposite direction of where it is i need to go.

in no way am i excited by this because of what it means re: reconnecting with him. no no. i am a million miles away from being able to deal with him having romantic or sexual relationships with other people. i am still intimidated by most of the kinds of people he surrounds himself with.

i still want him in the deepest part of my soul even though my brain is not down for something that insane. i know he used me, but i also suspect he did feel strongly for me. the thing is: i could never feel comfortable or safe with him as a friend much less as a lover or partner, because i doubt there is a way that he could ever prove to me that i was more important than other women in his life from the past, present, or future. 2 reasons: 1- because that never was the case and never would be. as much as he ever has or will care for me, it is not more than he did for certain exes, women he will know in the future, and probably women he knows now. 2- even if that weren't the case, i don't think i will ever think someone as smart and funny and hot as he is would ever put me first because my own father never did. i do not hold myself in high enough esteem to believe someone else could. it is very possible i will never fall in love again now that i realize this. if i can't fall in love with someone with a clean slate, i certainly couldn't revert back to trying to trust ____ after all the damage done. he has shown himself unable to apologize thoroughly. what he considers redundant i consider incomplete.

argh.... point is, i'm glad he doesn't hate me, i'm glad it's possible we can run into each other one day and not have a scene or me throw up or have a panic attack, and i'm glad he used the picture i sent.