it was bad enough that i threw myself at a white-trash kid the night before only to get blown off, but here i was the next night and in yet another situation where i'm hoping i can get laid or fall in love or do any-fucking-thing in between knowing that odds are NOTHING'S HAPPENING. then a whole slew of annoyances followed one another...
who else is there but my semi-ex friend ______ and her better-than-fiction boyfriend _____. i couldn't stand seeing them together. i couldn't stand catching a glimpse of a cute boy out of the corner of my eye and realizing it was _____ over and over. i couldn't stand feeling like i had to be nice to ______ when really i am so fucking pissed at her and so jealous and so disgusted with the fact that she used me, hurt me, and reminds me of how pathetic i was when ____ and i were together and how pathetic i am now that we're not. also, a decent boy DID talk to me, and i wanted to flirt with him, but i had no idea how to go about it without being an old, desperate lady and being obtuse. i tried to be cool about it, and next thing i know, he's gone. really gone. like, so gone maybe i should have given him more to go on. AND to top it all off, _____ called me earlier in the night to hang out after i thought i had shook him loose. i tried to drop hints as heavy as anchors, but he dodged every one. i had to raise and shake my voice and tell him i was feeling uncomfortable. he was maneuvering around every reason i had for not going straight to his house and picking him up and spending the whole night attached at the hip with him. i had to be blunt with him so then i spent the rest of the night feeling guilty for rejecting this nice guy i wanted to want but ditched instead.
yeah, so that was my day last night. shitty in itself, and that was on top of the usual missing ____ and feeling inadequate in the shadow of all that is his life then and now. then the text today that i missed an opportunity to meet amazing people (which is one of my main goals lately) and then i happen upon a picture of the cozy couple from last night on facebook and they are SO FUCKING IN LOVE AND HAPPY! so i'm so frustrated and so jealous. jealous of the people i should be happy for. jealous when it's a totally wasted emotion and damaging and hurtful to myself more than anyone. meanwhile, i just ate even though it's super late and i'm super fucking fatter than i want to be. i finished the two-helping dinner i made earlier tonight instead of saving half for tomorrow. so i threw up the second helping. rarely a day goes by when i don't throw up. last night i stopped for fast food on the way to the show because i wasn't very hungry while i was home when i could have made something relatively healthy... so i threw that up when i got to the bar. i had to hold the bathroom stall door because the latch was broken and still aim for the toilet and still try to be as quiet as i could so the other girls in there didn't know i was heaving, all the while trying to not get it in my hair that i couldn't hold back because the fucking latch was a god-damned piece of shit!!!! i fucking hate how fucking lame i am. i fucking hate it.
by the way... still ugly. still old and fat. fuck. i'll be making an appt for a dermatologist and also a personal trainer asap. hopefully that will help. that in addition to doing something with my life of course. incidentally, i really like the way throwing up feels sometimes. it's like taking a great shit... there's a physical pleasure in it. i probably wouldn't feel like this if i was getting laid. it's so sickening to think of ___ having sex and looking into so-and-so's eyes and coming all over (or in) whomever when i'm all alone and disgusting and wasting away getting fatter and uglier and stupider. fuck.
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