i want this to stop

i'm having a hard time. ok, so i found out for sure my ex cheated on me over and over. seriously, i feel like i should feel like a complete loser... like i should be ashamed of letting him fool me, of going along with all the mistreatment, of being so obvilious. however, in a way i just don't. it occured to me that they (my ex and the one of the women he fucked that knew me) are the ones that are idiots. they are the ones that made sick decisions. i did too. i suppose... ah, whatever. what's really bothering me is that i want him more than ever. i can't stop thinking about how he is the most beautiful man i ever met and how i am still in love with him. i can't stop thinking about whether he wants me now that we talked. i can't stop wondering if he wants _______ back or if i am no better to him than any other ex now. i know that is the case. i know he was never in love with me, he just WANTED to be in love with me... oh wait, maybe it's something in between. i wasn't in love with ___, but then again i left him. wait. maybe ____ would have left if not for not being able to afford it. sure enough, he did leave eventually. christ. i wish i knew if he really loved me and if he could love me again. if he loves me still. he must not... he was able to leave me once before, he was able to sleep with other women. he actually carried on other relationships. he must have NO respect for me at ALL. just like me for ___. the only way we could have a relationship at all is if i do not allowone little bit of bull from him/ possible? my fear is the only tway that is possible is if we have NO CONTACT AT ALL! that is the LAST THING i want. i'm so damned. i wish i can find someone to help me forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. it will be nice to be out east in a couple of months. i wish i were skinnier. i wish i wasn't so boring and ugly. i wish ____ loved me. i want nothing more in this life at this moment than to be in his arms. it's killing me. i want to die rather than feel his rejection again. i wish i were dead right now rather than feel this longing and shame.