being abused doesn't help me feel better

ok, so i'm at this point where i'm sick of the shit my friend is pulling. i mean, i know exactly what she is going through, and i understand why she is acting out and she has good reason. i want to be there for her and not desert her in her time of need. but i am sick of this shit!

she is abusive. i may be annoying and rude, and i acknowledge that and constantly try to improve myself and shed my faults, but she is downright using me as a punching bag, and i want to remove myself from her wrath.

this is the same friend that has been an issue for me because so much of her personality seems to mirror those things about me that i don't like in myself. it is hard to deal with that a lot because it brings so much rushing to the surface that gets me so anxious and depressed.

in an effort to thwart this anxiety and depression that has been bubbling within me more and more over the years, i am in therapy. i know there are deep issues i need help with if i am ever going to be a happy, productive, enjoyable, respectful friend, colleague, or partner. there is a lot about myself that i don't like to look at, that i have avoided for years and years. now i have someone sympathetic, objective, and that with clear boundaries to help guide me through this work that i am doing.

in my estimation, my friend would benefit greatly from the same kind of help. instead, she is dumping too much on her friends. as far as i know, friends are supposed to be there to lend an ear or give advice when asked, but they are not to be expected to be yelled at or witness to throwing of objects across the room or slamming of hands in anger on the table right in front of their face (ok, she didn't throw anything... my ex did... but it all falls into the same exact behavior. it is violent and scary).

so here i am sick of being her recepticle for her anger and frustration and annoyance, because i bear the brunt of it with hardly ever being responsible for it. i know it's nice to think that one's friends and family can make you feel better when the world is being mean to you and luck is not on your side, but at those times when they are not able to even though they are more than willing to if they knew how, they should not be punished.

lately, she is spewing somewhat subtle guilt trips and even to go as far as snapping at me if i happen to go out at night without inviting her. she acts as if we have an agreement of obligation to one another that has been laid out, when in fact it is an assumption on her part if that is in fact what she thinks. evidently, i too have been presumptious to assume that she wouldn't expect me to invite her out every time i leave the house for something other than work. it's not that i wouldn't want her out with me more often, the problem for me is that she has an expectation of how i should proceed without having first discussed it with me.

all of this is a mirror of my behavior with my ex. i dumped on him, snapped at him, made assumptions, was hyper sensitive, and eventually drove him away despite his best efforts to comfort and help me.

now i'm faced with having to make a choice very similar to the one he had to make. do i walk away from her, or do i stand beside her while she suffers? i know the answer... i need to decide whether i think she is truly trying to seek help and improvement, whether she is aware of the disrespect she is displaying towards her friends, and whether she knows it is not acceptable to lash out in the ways she always has. as long as i've known her, i've often felt like i was walking on eggshells around her, and this is not the first time when i have just wanted to get out of her way. however, i do love her and care about her and i hate the idea of leaving her on her own if she only continues to wallow. at the same time, her self-pitying and attitude of self-righteous anger is disrupting my own progress. i have a very unsteady rock on which i stand right now, and when i am unjustly yelled at or when violence is displayed as a reaction to something i have said or done, that rock teeters and totters and i feel as though i may fall. last night i did... she yelled at me and i cried. i too am very sensitive, and i can't see very many reasons why i would step into situations with her in the near future if there is any chance of having to cry again.

what i want:

RIDES A BIKE
BEARD
DOESN'T WEAR TOO-TIGHT PANTS
CREATIVE
NON-RELIGIOUS
HONEST
SMART
FUNNY
BLUE EYES
TALL
SIMILAR MUSIC TASTES
LIKES LIVE SHOWS
HAS A CAR
LIKES ROAD TRIPS
DECENT FRIENDS
NOT BALD
NOT HEAVY
SANS TOO MUCH ATTITUDE
COLLEGE EDUCATED
NOT IN A BAND EVER
POSSIBLY WANTS KIDS
WANTS TO TRAVEL ABROAD
READS SOME
COMMUNICATES
NOT BROKE
HAS MAD SKILLS
GOES TO KARAOKE
CONSIDERATE
FORCEFUL AT TIMES
DRINKS
SOMEONE WHO CAN SHOW ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT FOREIGN CINEMA

hell

OH MY GOD. I AM IN HELL. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SIGHT TO ALL THIS LAMENESS. REALLY, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GOING HOME AND SEWING. I WANT TO PICK OUT PRETTY FABRICS AND COMBINE THEM TO MAKE EVEN PRETTIER PATCHWORK. I WANT PILES AND PILES OF CREATIONS THAT I CAN TAKE WITH ME TO GIVE OUT TO COOL PEOPLE WHO WILL GIVE ME MONEY AND COMPLIMENTS AND THEN I CAN TAKE THAT MONEY TO ENLIVEN MY SOUL IN A FRENZIED, HARMONIC ATMOSPHERE AND THEN I CAN HIDE AWAY IN MY RENTAL CAR UNTIL I COME TO THE NEXT DAY WHERE THEY'LL BE MORE PEOPLE, MORE PATCHWORK, MORE MUSIC.

I WANT TO GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM FEELING SO MISERABLE AND INADAQUATE. I WANT TO RUN FROM ALL THESE LAME PEOPLE THAT POPULATE MY DAILY LIFE BECAUSE ALL THEY DO IS MIRROR HOW DISGUSTING I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY EX FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS AND I WAS ABLE TO FOOL MYSELF THAT I WAS BEAUTIFUL WHILE I WAS WITH HIM.

I WANT TO NOT EXIST SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I KNOW THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I WILL FEEL WORTHY OF LIFE ONE DAY, BUT I ALSO KNOW THERE'S NO GUARENTEE, AND THAT I CAN BE TRYING IN VAIN. LIVING IN VAIN. LOVING IN VAIN. I AM SO FUCKING LONELY, BUT WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I RELATE TO, IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M NOT AND WHAT I WISH TO BE.

I WISH I COULD STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO MY EX AND EVERYONE HE KNOWS. I FEEL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY REJECTED AND UNDESIREABLE. IT IS DISGUSTING TO BE THIS WAY.

it will pass

i went on a date tonight proper. he picked me up, we took a walk through a park, he paid for my fancy meal, we caught live music, then chilled out with a smart cocktail and creme brulee. and he drove a jaguar. he was the most interesting guy i've met since you and i split. i won't compare him to you and vice versa, because i'm getting past that... meaning you are not all that to me any more. i want what i had with you, but i don't want you anymore. not you as you are. i want the man i thought you to be. jesus, why is this so hard? i want to feel clear and self righteous, but all i feel is a subtle longing. luckily, i can come out of a date like this and focus on what was good about it instead of what i wished it was... that's because i know it will come, and if it doesn't, that frees me up for so much more in my life that wouldn't be possible if i were hung up on another you.
anyway, my date wasn't bad, but it wasn't stellar either. it was a good practice run. it could be more, but i'm thinking that the best thing to come out of tonight was that he and i could really relate. you see, his love left him. she was no longer in love with him and he was and had been set on the two of them together forever. pretty much as i was about you. we both have had our hearts broken we are both learning from scratch.
i know you may be alone, but i know it's more likely you spent the day with your new woman. perhaps you called your mom today for mother's day while you slipped into a guest bedroom at your new girlfriend's mom's house right before dinner was served. jesus, i hate you at moments like this!
i am so going to fuck you out of my brain one day. i don't care how fucking long it takes, i will crowd you out of my head if it's the last thing i do. why should a piece of shit like you get to take up so much of my life after you've left it?! why must everything come down to you!? why does every guy that shows interest in me turn me off, but the idea of you in my head flickers a low flame in my twat.
you are evil, sir. fucking sick fuck.

it's like drugs

i want to call him so bad! i don't have his #. i don't know if he has a #. i can't drop by because he may be with a woman and/or his roommates would be freaked out and scared of the crazy-ex they would have to deal with. my ex would give me the same reaction if i did try to see him. fear and momentary panic... what is she going to do? i doubt that he even feels remorse for his side of things, my reactionary behavior would have made it too easy for him to focus on what i did to ruin our connection.

i am toturing myself thinking of all the times i lied to myself. turned a blind eye. ignored the major hints he was dropping.

what's really bad these days is that now that i'm starting to attempt to date people, i am finding myself in the position of the person not interested in anything there is being offered. i winch in utter embarrasment when these nice, boring, annoying, weird looking guys get all excited about me. i can see them literally restraining themselves from just throwing themselves at me (not to sound conceited... odds are a lot of them would throw themselves at a plush rug if they thought it'd do the trick). it sends surges of pain through my gut and my soul and my brain... all i can do is think, 'is this how ____ viewed me? was i this desparate, this delusional, this annoying, this boring?'

towards the end of our relationship, i hysterically confided in him how inadaquate i felt compared to everyone else he knew and how threatened i felt. i would tell him i felt completely pathetic. he would grab me and stare intently in my eyes and tell me that at no point did he ever consider me anything close to pathetic. what help was that?! i said I felt it, not that i was afraid he did (of course i did, but that was besides the point... i wouldn't believe him anyway... i knew i was pathetic. he's not so dumb to miss what i've noticed).

i have this urge to contact him because i miss him so very much. his presense is a soothing as a glass of wine after a stressful day, as soothing as aloe on a sunburn, as soothing as a line when you're at a party and you're feeling socially nervous. everything is made better right away. i swear, he's like drugs to me! i know that any contact with him will leave me feeling worse in the long run... but what to do for soothing and comfort now?! when i'm alone, i long for someone to love, when i meet people, they magnify all that went wrong between ___ and me.

anyway, my guilty conscience is getting to me. i'm eager to meet as many people as possible as often as possible, but doing so is sure to lead on the more idealistcally romantic of the bunch. i know what is like to fall so hard after letting yourself rise so high so soon, and i hate that i could be doing that to almost every guy i meet these days. fortunately, i can at least know that i am brutually honest when i need to be, and that i'll be that way rather than give in to a man who wants to buy me dinner or listen to me rant and babble. but despite that, i still am so full of shame, guilt, embarrasment, humiliation, abuse... you name it. not to mention i'm not always as brave or sure of myself as i should be.

so i wish i could have him in my life that one more time. as if one more moment in his presence would cure me of all my ills. as if one apology or sad look on his face would validate me entirely. as if.

unrepentant

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALREADY SEEING HER WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. YOU SAID THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE, BUT YOU LIED. I KNOW YOU CLAIM HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT 'SEEING SOMEONE' IS, AND YOU CAN ARGUE SEMANTICS DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THE FACT IS THAT YOU WERE ALREADY INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS A MAJOR DECIDING FACTOR FOR YOU IN OUR BREAKUP.



IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW, ASKED YOU ABOUT, AND YOU KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERTLY HID FROM ME. THE ONLY REASON YOU GAVE ME FOR THE BREAKUP WAS 'MY QUESTIONING', BUT WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT ELSE THERE WAS, YOU CLAIMED THAT WAS IT. LISTEN, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS YOU WOULD HAVE NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME THE WAY YOU DID, WHEN YOU DID, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN HER AND WANTED TO BE FREE OF ME TO PERSUE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. THEREFORE, YOU LIED.



YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN STAYING WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY QUESTIONING, AND THAT AS YOU GOT TO KNOW HER YOU FOUND YOURSELF MORE INTERESTED IN STARTING UP WITH HER THAN STAYING WITH ME, BUT INSTEAD, YOU ACTED LIKE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE WHEN I CLEARLY ASKED YOU IF THERE WAS. YOU LIED.



IT WAS A HALF-TRUTH. YOU MISLEAD ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE FACTS AND REVEALED ONLY BITS AND PIECES INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRETY I WAS ENTITLED TO. YOU WERE DISHONEST... HOW MANY WAYS CAN I PHRASE THIS UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOUR FAULTS, YOUR MISTAKES? I SPENT OVER TWO YEARS LISTENING TO YOU CIRCUMVENT THE FACTS AS THEY WERE. I CONTINUALLY QUESTIONED MY ABILITY TO PERCEIVE REALITY BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME I WAS WRONG WHEN I POINTED OUT MY OBSERVATIONS. NOW I AM IN THE PROCESS WHERE I AM LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, AND THAT COMES FROM NO LONGER HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE KINDNESS OF THOSE WHO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF CARING ABOUT YOU ONLY TO BE ABUSED INSIDIOUSLY AND SUBTLEY.



ALTHOUGH I AM FEELING STRONGER AND MORE HOPEFUL THAN I HAVE IN MANY MONTHS, I STILL FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN EMPTY GAPING SPACE INSIDE OF ME WHERE ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU USED TO BE. I NEEDED TO EMPTY THAT OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE AFTER I REALIZED WHAT YOU REALLY WERE AND HOW YOU ACTUALLY FELT ABOUT ME. I KNEW THAT OUR ENTIRE TIME TOGETHER WAS BUILT ON ME KIDDING MYSELF THAT YOU FELT AS DEEPLY AS I DID AND THAT I ALSO FOOLED MYSELF THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO RIGHT BY ME RATHER THAN TRYING TO ONLY CONVINCE ME YOU WERE DOING RIGHT BY ME. I KNOW THAT YOUR LOGIC SAYS THAT IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT, IT DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND… AND THAT IS TRUE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT VIBRATION IS NOT A SOUND UNTIL AN EAR IS WITHIN RANGE TO REGISTER IT. AND IF WE WERE TO MAKE A COMPARISON TO CHEATING AND LYING, ONE COULD SAY THAT NO HARM IS DONE IF THE PERSON DECEIVED NEVER KNOWS THE FACTS. I CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT, BUT I CAN POINT OUT THAT THE TROUBLE WITH SUCH A STRATEGY IS THAT COMPLETE DECEPTION IS OFTEN UNATTAINABLE. THERE IS ENOUGH VIBRATION RATTLING AROUND FROM THAT PROVERBIAL FELLED TREE TO REGISTER WITHIN THE CHEATEE'S EARDRUM TO AT LEAST MAKE A SOUND, ALBEIT INDECERABLE.



THAT SOUND WAS THERE, ____. AS MUCH AS I TRIED TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE, I KNEW YOU WERE BEING DISHONEST AND THAT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ALL THERE WAS TO KNOW, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE DOING THIS, AND THAT YOU CLAIMED IGNORANCE AND USED THE TRUST I HAD IN YOU TO DECEIVE ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDLY, SELFISH MEANS. SO NOW THIS EMPTY SPACE IS IN ME WHERE THERE WAS ONCE SO MUCH REAL LOVE FOR YOU. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE UNREPENTANT AND UNRELIABLE AND UNKIND. YOUR MOMENTS OF TRUTH AND SWEETNESS THAT YOU DISPLAY ARE NOTHING MORE THAN TOOLS YOU UTILIZE TO CONTROL A SITUATION TO YOUR LIKING. THEY ARE NOT BENEVOLENT. YOU HAVE AN INABILITY TO TRULY FEEL EMPATHY AND A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS NOT VEILED IN SUSPICSION AND BATTLE.


THIS IS HOW IT IS WITH YOU, BUT NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE. FAR BE IF FROM ME TO BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, BUT I DO SEE MORE THAN YOU WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE. I HOPE YOU LEARN HOW TO LOVE ONE DAY ____.

therapy

things i'd like to discuss next time i see my therapist:

1) how when my best girlfriend goes on about what is making her upset and unhappy, i see too much of myself in her. there are times when i feel like she is so clueless. there are times when i feel like she should know better. there are times when i feel like the hopes and desires she has are out of reach for her, and she'd be better off restructuring her goals and expectations. when i see that perhaps a lot of those issues pertain to me as well, it really is painful. i don't want to face a view other than the current fantasy i have. i want a good looking, smart and funny guy to be with me and not lie and cheat. i want friends i enjoy, a calm sense of being, money in the bank, and a fulfilling, cool job. also, i want kids with an incredible man and i want the reserves to ensure those kids would be all right more than not. these are pretty much what my girlfriend wants. it scares me to think that if i am suspecting that she isn't worthy of any of that, it's likely neither am i... that i'm deluding myself. does that mean i am doomed to live out my life as it is? i'm miserable. how can i be happy if my dreams are unattainable?

2) i miss my ex-boyfriend. i don't expect him back, i know it wouldn't work even if we both tried again. i know he lied to me and he never loved me the way i loved him and he lead me on and kept a better image in his mind of the woman he really wanted and knew it would never be me even though he knew i was hoping, hoping and hoping he'd feel just like me one day. i know he would always disrespect me, never side with me when it really mattered, and continue to invalidate my views and opinions. i knew i was a slave to him, and that our relationship would have never happened in the first place if i had stood up for myself in the beginning. i know one of the main reasons he left me was because i started to stand up for myself after leading him to think i never would since i never did for so long. i thought i was kind and patient and understanding, and i thought he would appreciate that and therefore respect me down the line even though i didn't demand that respect in the beginning. i know now that i was wrong about him, that the man i loved didn't really exist. but i miss him non-the-less. i miss his eyes, his body, the conversations we'd have, the stories he'd tell, the way he listened to me, the places we'd enjoy together. mostly, i miss how beautiful he was. i am so afraid i'll never meet anyone that beautiful again. i am afraid no matter who i end up in bed with, i'll be comparing them to him, because he was the best i ever had. i know he isn't a good person for me, but he was still the best. i am so afraid that if at my age the best i ever had was a lying, cheating narrassitic person who loved me only so much, does that mean it only gets worse from here? shouldn't i had gone though my mistakes a decade ago and shouldn't i be reaping the rewards of my learning lessons now? is what i to am to learn that i am destined to be alone and poor spiritually, monetarily, and culturally. how can i find someone i truly love that will truly love me? how can i truly love myself at this point?

3) am i done punishing myself for my mistakes? am i going to continue to demean myself for all time? am i an old dog no longer able to learn new tricks?

4) there's more, but i'm getting so depressed writing all this out i better stop here for now. there's still a couple days to outline my next precious therapy hour.