1) how when my best girlfriend goes on about what is making her upset and unhappy, i see too much of myself in her. there are times when i feel like she is so clueless. there are times when i feel like she should know better. there are times when i feel like the hopes and desires she has are out of reach for her, and she'd be better off restructuring her goals and expectations. when i see that perhaps a lot of those issues pertain to me as well, it really is painful. i don't want to face a view other than the current fantasy i have. i want a good looking, smart and funny guy to be with me and not lie and cheat. i want friends i enjoy, a calm sense of being, money in the bank, and a fulfilling, cool job. also, i want kids with an incredible man and i want the reserves to ensure those kids would be all right more than not. these are pretty much what my girlfriend wants. it scares me to think that if i am suspecting that she isn't worthy of any of that, it's likely neither am i... that i'm deluding myself. does that mean i am doomed to live out my life as it is? i'm miserable. how can i be happy if my dreams are unattainable?
2) i miss my ex-boyfriend. i don't expect him back, i know it wouldn't work even if we both tried again. i know he lied to me and he never loved me the way i loved him and he lead me on and kept a better image in his mind of the woman he really wanted and knew it would never be me even though he knew i was hoping, hoping and hoping he'd feel just like me one day. i know he would always disrespect me, never side with me when it really mattered, and continue to invalidate my views and opinions. i knew i was a slave to him, and that our relationship would have never happened in the first place if i had stood up for myself in the beginning. i know one of the main reasons he left me was because i started to stand up for myself after leading him to think i never would since i never did for so long. i thought i was kind and patient and understanding, and i thought he would appreciate that and therefore respect me down the line even though i didn't demand that respect in the beginning. i know now that i was wrong about him, that the man i loved didn't really exist. but i miss him non-the-less. i miss his eyes, his body, the conversations we'd have, the stories he'd tell, the way he listened to me, the places we'd enjoy together. mostly, i miss how beautiful he was. i am so afraid i'll never meet anyone that beautiful again. i am afraid no matter who i end up in bed with, i'll be comparing them to him, because he was the best i ever had. i know he isn't a good person for me, but he was still the best. i am so afraid that if at my age the best i ever had was a lying, cheating narrassitic person who loved me only so much, does that mean it only gets worse from here? shouldn't i had gone though my mistakes a decade ago and shouldn't i be reaping the rewards of my learning lessons now? is what i to am to learn that i am destined to be alone and poor spiritually, monetarily, and culturally. how can i find someone i truly love that will truly love me? how can i truly love myself at this point?
3) am i done punishing myself for my mistakes? am i going to continue to demean myself for all time? am i an old dog no longer able to learn new tricks?
4) there's more, but i'm getting so depressed writing all this out i better stop here for now. there's still a couple days to outline my next precious therapy hour.
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