it's like drugs

i want to call him so bad! i don't have his #. i don't know if he has a #. i can't drop by because he may be with a woman and/or his roommates would be freaked out and scared of the crazy-ex they would have to deal with. my ex would give me the same reaction if i did try to see him. fear and momentary panic... what is she going to do? i doubt that he even feels remorse for his side of things, my reactionary behavior would have made it too easy for him to focus on what i did to ruin our connection.

i am toturing myself thinking of all the times i lied to myself. turned a blind eye. ignored the major hints he was dropping.

what's really bad these days is that now that i'm starting to attempt to date people, i am finding myself in the position of the person not interested in anything there is being offered. i winch in utter embarrasment when these nice, boring, annoying, weird looking guys get all excited about me. i can see them literally restraining themselves from just throwing themselves at me (not to sound conceited... odds are a lot of them would throw themselves at a plush rug if they thought it'd do the trick). it sends surges of pain through my gut and my soul and my brain... all i can do is think, 'is this how ____ viewed me? was i this desparate, this delusional, this annoying, this boring?'

towards the end of our relationship, i hysterically confided in him how inadaquate i felt compared to everyone else he knew and how threatened i felt. i would tell him i felt completely pathetic. he would grab me and stare intently in my eyes and tell me that at no point did he ever consider me anything close to pathetic. what help was that?! i said I felt it, not that i was afraid he did (of course i did, but that was besides the point... i wouldn't believe him anyway... i knew i was pathetic. he's not so dumb to miss what i've noticed).

i have this urge to contact him because i miss him so very much. his presense is a soothing as a glass of wine after a stressful day, as soothing as aloe on a sunburn, as soothing as a line when you're at a party and you're feeling socially nervous. everything is made better right away. i swear, he's like drugs to me! i know that any contact with him will leave me feeling worse in the long run... but what to do for soothing and comfort now?! when i'm alone, i long for someone to love, when i meet people, they magnify all that went wrong between ___ and me.

anyway, my guilty conscience is getting to me. i'm eager to meet as many people as possible as often as possible, but doing so is sure to lead on the more idealistcally romantic of the bunch. i know what is like to fall so hard after letting yourself rise so high so soon, and i hate that i could be doing that to almost every guy i meet these days. fortunately, i can at least know that i am brutually honest when i need to be, and that i'll be that way rather than give in to a man who wants to buy me dinner or listen to me rant and babble. but despite that, i still am so full of shame, guilt, embarrasment, humiliation, abuse... you name it. not to mention i'm not always as brave or sure of myself as i should be.

so i wish i could have him in my life that one more time. as if one more moment in his presence would cure me of all my ills. as if one apology or sad look on his face would validate me entirely. as if.