hell

OH MY GOD. I AM IN HELL. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SIGHT TO ALL THIS LAMENESS. REALLY, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GOING HOME AND SEWING. I WANT TO PICK OUT PRETTY FABRICS AND COMBINE THEM TO MAKE EVEN PRETTIER PATCHWORK. I WANT PILES AND PILES OF CREATIONS THAT I CAN TAKE WITH ME TO GIVE OUT TO COOL PEOPLE WHO WILL GIVE ME MONEY AND COMPLIMENTS AND THEN I CAN TAKE THAT MONEY TO ENLIVEN MY SOUL IN A FRENZIED, HARMONIC ATMOSPHERE AND THEN I CAN HIDE AWAY IN MY RENTAL CAR UNTIL I COME TO THE NEXT DAY WHERE THEY'LL BE MORE PEOPLE, MORE PATCHWORK, MORE MUSIC.

I WANT TO GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM FEELING SO MISERABLE AND INADAQUATE. I WANT TO RUN FROM ALL THESE LAME PEOPLE THAT POPULATE MY DAILY LIFE BECAUSE ALL THEY DO IS MIRROR HOW DISGUSTING I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY EX FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS AND I WAS ABLE TO FOOL MYSELF THAT I WAS BEAUTIFUL WHILE I WAS WITH HIM.

I WANT TO NOT EXIST SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I KNOW THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I WILL FEEL WORTHY OF LIFE ONE DAY, BUT I ALSO KNOW THERE'S NO GUARENTEE, AND THAT I CAN BE TRYING IN VAIN. LIVING IN VAIN. LOVING IN VAIN. I AM SO FUCKING LONELY, BUT WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I RELATE TO, IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M NOT AND WHAT I WISH TO BE.

I WISH I COULD STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO MY EX AND EVERYONE HE KNOWS. I FEEL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY REJECTED AND UNDESIREABLE. IT IS DISGUSTING TO BE THIS WAY.