unrepentant

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALREADY SEEING HER WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. YOU SAID THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE, BUT YOU LIED. I KNOW YOU CLAIM HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT 'SEEING SOMEONE' IS, AND YOU CAN ARGUE SEMANTICS DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THE FACT IS THAT YOU WERE ALREADY INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS A MAJOR DECIDING FACTOR FOR YOU IN OUR BREAKUP.



IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW, ASKED YOU ABOUT, AND YOU KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERTLY HID FROM ME. THE ONLY REASON YOU GAVE ME FOR THE BREAKUP WAS 'MY QUESTIONING', BUT WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT ELSE THERE WAS, YOU CLAIMED THAT WAS IT. LISTEN, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS YOU WOULD HAVE NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME THE WAY YOU DID, WHEN YOU DID, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN HER AND WANTED TO BE FREE OF ME TO PERSUE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. THEREFORE, YOU LIED.



YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN STAYING WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY QUESTIONING, AND THAT AS YOU GOT TO KNOW HER YOU FOUND YOURSELF MORE INTERESTED IN STARTING UP WITH HER THAN STAYING WITH ME, BUT INSTEAD, YOU ACTED LIKE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE WHEN I CLEARLY ASKED YOU IF THERE WAS. YOU LIED.



IT WAS A HALF-TRUTH. YOU MISLEAD ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE FACTS AND REVEALED ONLY BITS AND PIECES INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRETY I WAS ENTITLED TO. YOU WERE DISHONEST... HOW MANY WAYS CAN I PHRASE THIS UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOUR FAULTS, YOUR MISTAKES? I SPENT OVER TWO YEARS LISTENING TO YOU CIRCUMVENT THE FACTS AS THEY WERE. I CONTINUALLY QUESTIONED MY ABILITY TO PERCEIVE REALITY BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME I WAS WRONG WHEN I POINTED OUT MY OBSERVATIONS. NOW I AM IN THE PROCESS WHERE I AM LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, AND THAT COMES FROM NO LONGER HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE KINDNESS OF THOSE WHO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF CARING ABOUT YOU ONLY TO BE ABUSED INSIDIOUSLY AND SUBTLEY.



ALTHOUGH I AM FEELING STRONGER AND MORE HOPEFUL THAN I HAVE IN MANY MONTHS, I STILL FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN EMPTY GAPING SPACE INSIDE OF ME WHERE ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU USED TO BE. I NEEDED TO EMPTY THAT OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE AFTER I REALIZED WHAT YOU REALLY WERE AND HOW YOU ACTUALLY FELT ABOUT ME. I KNEW THAT OUR ENTIRE TIME TOGETHER WAS BUILT ON ME KIDDING MYSELF THAT YOU FELT AS DEEPLY AS I DID AND THAT I ALSO FOOLED MYSELF THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO RIGHT BY ME RATHER THAN TRYING TO ONLY CONVINCE ME YOU WERE DOING RIGHT BY ME. I KNOW THAT YOUR LOGIC SAYS THAT IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT, IT DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND… AND THAT IS TRUE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT VIBRATION IS NOT A SOUND UNTIL AN EAR IS WITHIN RANGE TO REGISTER IT. AND IF WE WERE TO MAKE A COMPARISON TO CHEATING AND LYING, ONE COULD SAY THAT NO HARM IS DONE IF THE PERSON DECEIVED NEVER KNOWS THE FACTS. I CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT, BUT I CAN POINT OUT THAT THE TROUBLE WITH SUCH A STRATEGY IS THAT COMPLETE DECEPTION IS OFTEN UNATTAINABLE. THERE IS ENOUGH VIBRATION RATTLING AROUND FROM THAT PROVERBIAL FELLED TREE TO REGISTER WITHIN THE CHEATEE'S EARDRUM TO AT LEAST MAKE A SOUND, ALBEIT INDECERABLE.



THAT SOUND WAS THERE, ____. AS MUCH AS I TRIED TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE, I KNEW YOU WERE BEING DISHONEST AND THAT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ALL THERE WAS TO KNOW, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE DOING THIS, AND THAT YOU CLAIMED IGNORANCE AND USED THE TRUST I HAD IN YOU TO DECEIVE ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDLY, SELFISH MEANS. SO NOW THIS EMPTY SPACE IS IN ME WHERE THERE WAS ONCE SO MUCH REAL LOVE FOR YOU. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE UNREPENTANT AND UNRELIABLE AND UNKIND. YOUR MOMENTS OF TRUTH AND SWEETNESS THAT YOU DISPLAY ARE NOTHING MORE THAN TOOLS YOU UTILIZE TO CONTROL A SITUATION TO YOUR LIKING. THEY ARE NOT BENEVOLENT. YOU HAVE AN INABILITY TO TRULY FEEL EMPATHY AND A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS NOT VEILED IN SUSPICSION AND BATTLE.


THIS IS HOW IT IS WITH YOU, BUT NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE. FAR BE IF FROM ME TO BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, BUT I DO SEE MORE THAN YOU WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE. I HOPE YOU LEARN HOW TO LOVE ONE DAY ____.