she is abusive. i may be annoying and rude, and i acknowledge that and constantly try to improve myself and shed my faults, but she is downright using me as a punching bag, and i want to remove myself from her wrath.
this is the same friend that has been an issue for me because so much of her personality seems to mirror those things about me that i don't like in myself. it is hard to deal with that a lot because it brings so much rushing to the surface that gets me so anxious and depressed.
in an effort to thwart this anxiety and depression that has been bubbling within me more and more over the years, i am in therapy. i know there are deep issues i need help with if i am ever going to be a happy, productive, enjoyable, respectful friend, colleague, or partner. there is a lot about myself that i don't like to look at, that i have avoided for years and years. now i have someone sympathetic, objective, and that with clear boundaries to help guide me through this work that i am doing.
in my estimation, my friend would benefit greatly from the same kind of help. instead, she is dumping too much on her friends. as far as i know, friends are supposed to be there to lend an ear or give advice when asked, but they are not to be expected to be yelled at or witness to throwing of objects across the room or slamming of hands in anger on the table right in front of their face (ok, she didn't throw anything... my ex did... but it all falls into the same exact behavior. it is violent and scary).
so here i am sick of being her recepticle for her anger and frustration and annoyance, because i bear the brunt of it with hardly ever being responsible for it. i know it's nice to think that one's friends and family can make you feel better when the world is being mean to you and luck is not on your side, but at those times when they are not able to even though they are more than willing to if they knew how, they should not be punished.
lately, she is spewing somewhat subtle guilt trips and even to go as far as snapping at me if i happen to go out at night without inviting her. she acts as if we have an agreement of obligation to one another that has been laid out, when in fact it is an assumption on her part if that is in fact what she thinks. evidently, i too have been presumptious to assume that she wouldn't expect me to invite her out every time i leave the house for something other than work. it's not that i wouldn't want her out with me more often, the problem for me is that she has an expectation of how i should proceed without having first discussed it with me.
all of this is a mirror of my behavior with my ex. i dumped on him, snapped at him, made assumptions, was hyper sensitive, and eventually drove him away despite his best efforts to comfort and help me.
now i'm faced with having to make a choice very similar to the one he had to make. do i walk away from her, or do i stand beside her while she suffers? i know the answer... i need to decide whether i think she is truly trying to seek help and improvement, whether she is aware of the disrespect she is displaying towards her friends, and whether she knows it is not acceptable to lash out in the ways she always has. as long as i've known her, i've often felt like i was walking on eggshells around her, and this is not the first time when i have just wanted to get out of her way. however, i do love her and care about her and i hate the idea of leaving her on her own if she only continues to wallow. at the same time, her self-pitying and attitude of self-righteous anger is disrupting my own progress. i have a very unsteady rock on which i stand right now, and when i am unjustly yelled at or when violence is displayed as a reaction to something i have said or done, that rock teeters and totters and i feel as though i may fall. last night i did... she yelled at me and i cried. i too am very sensitive, and i can't see very many reasons why i would step into situations with her in the near future if there is any chance of having to cry again.
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