hung up

WOW. NOW I'M ALL HUNG UP. YET AGAIN. JESUS. I MUST BE THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT. DOESN'T MATTER. I AM JUST FEELING MORE NUMB THAN ANYTHING. I JUST HOPE I CAN NOT FEEL DEPRESSED. FUCK TRYING FOR HAPPY. I JUST CRASH. NO... I'LL JUST HOLD ON UNTIL SOMETHING BIG CHANGES. IF IT TAKES A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS UNTIL I SEE A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT, THAT WORKS. NOT LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE. JUST WANT SOME PEACE FOR NOW. YEAH. DONE WITH LAME BULLSHIT. DONE WITH REGRESSING... WAIT. THAT'S A LIE. I AM NEVER DONE WITH BULLSHIT. I CREATE IT WHENEVER I CAN. NO MATTER. I KNEW THIS WAS NO GOOD. NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED AND NEEDY AT THE SAME TIME. FORMULA FOR CLINGY AND ANNOYING. JESUS. DONE I GUESS. DONE. DONE. DONE.

do you really hope you'll never see me again?

WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU COULDN'T DO FOR ME THAT I NEEDED? YOU SAID YOU had LOVED ME AND THAT YOU WENT THROUGH PAIN WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT that is. WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED FROM YOU THAT YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME? PLEASE DON'T BE VAUGE. BE VERY SPECIFIC. EXPLAIN IT TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND I'M IN PAIN NOW BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW STILL.

AND DID YOU REALLY MEAN YOU HOPED YOU'D NEVER SEE ME AGAIN? THE MOMENT YOU TOLD ME, I KNEW IT WAS PROBABLY ENTIRELY TRUE, BUT I ALSO THOUGHT MAYBE IT WASN'T. MAYBE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. I FEEL LIKE IF IT WERE A CERTAINtY FOR YOU, I MAY BE BETTER OFF IF I BELIEVED IT AND KNEW THERE WAS NO CHANCE FOR CHANGE... IT MAKES SENSE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT IT THEN, AND THAT WOULD BE THE KEY TO SUCCESS FOR MY HURT. BUT I'M SO SCARED TO FACE THAT... I would have to face that my deeds and actions lead to this, that it isn't just your fault, that i could have done things differently, and now i don't know what to do. i would have to face that i did something horrible enough to run off a person i have loved and still love.

if i never get the courage to face my errors, i would then NEED FOR THERE TO BE A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU STILL HAVE A NEED ME, BECAUSE I HAVE A NEED FOR YOU THAT OTHERS CAN'T TOUCH. I'M AFRAID THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE, AND THEN I'LL BE SCREWED AND UNABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. I NEED ONE OF TWO THINGS. YOU TO STILL NEED ME AND FOR US TO RESOLVE THIS IN THE LONG RUN, OR FOR ME TO NO LONGER HAVE A NEED FOR YOU. I PREFER THE FORMER, WILL SETTLE FOR THE LATTER, AND WILL SUFFER IF I GET NEITHER.

i can't believe i actually saw you last night

oh jesus, it was so incredibly good seeing you. having contact with you. i know we were going back and forth with pointing out what the other did wrong and defending what we thought we each did right. i know it was a fight, but it didn't feel like that. my emotions were so alive right then, just because i have MISSED you so much for so long, and now i had you there. it was safe... we weren't alone, it wasn't a surprise that we both happened to be there. it was a place we had stood together many times before, but not a place where we had been intimate.

you looked good. at the time, i didn't feel the urge to touch you or be touched, but remembering our interaction last night, my mind drifts into fantasies where you hold me, embrace me, and stare into my eyes while you run your hands over my hair, brushing it from my face, touching my skin softly with your finger tips while you make affectionate shh-ing noises and smile.

ah! that's all bullshit of course. at the time, i didn't even entertain such a notion. it was way more thrilling being in the midst of a battle of the old kind we're so used to. it feels like we're sharpening our blades on one another after eveyone else has left us dull. at least for me... i don't know with certainty that you hold me in a place higher than most like i do you. i do know that my gut tells me i'm just one of many for you... one of many women you'd like to fuck, one of many woman who make you laugh, one of many women who fit your 'type' (which, unsurprisingly, looks just like your mom), one of many woman who come somewhat close to your intelligence. it kills me that i'm not nearly as special in your book as you led me to believe. you fucking liar.

anyway, i woke up feeling great today. i could say it's because i finally was able to show you a bit of what it is like when i call you out on every bit of your game-playing, manipulative, dishonest, monster-like behavior, but that's not the whole truth (in other words: an 'omissive' lie... look it up). instead i have to admit that i woke up feeling great today because i love you. 'i love you' doesn't really cover what it is i mean, but suffice to say it had more to do with feeling a rush of relief and pleasure with you in my presence than not.

you said things like 'we can never be friends again', and 'i hope i never see you again'. and i agree... to a point. because never is a word that never really works, you know? i think i'll always believe there's a chance we can resolve what there is between us. i just don't find it at all likely. and the biggest reason is: your insincerity. even if you were to embark on trying to rebuild something of any form what so ever with me, it would only be to feed your fucked up, twisted, sick ego... to add me to your ever-widening harem of exes you like to keep strung along. it would have nothing to do with true remorse.

you mentioned feeling regret and remorse over some your actions... but i don't believe that. you're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you couldn't indefinately get away with it. you said you really loved me. i wish i knew that were true. you say that, but you didn't show me that! don't say it if you're not going to show it! don't say you loved me after all the shit you did to me. break up with me, fuck me when you know i want you back, but you don't want me still, get back with me anyway only to leave me the first time it looks like you don't have to be alone again because some dumb ass girl doesn't yet see you for who you are and is buying into the facade your putting up. don't say you love me, you fucking liar. love is reserved for people who TRY.

may december

OK, SO I'M INVOLVED WITH A TWENTY YEAR OLD. IT'S KINDA AWESOME AND KINDA DISTURBING AT THE SAME TIME. THAT'S GOOD. THE FLIPSIDE WOULD BE IF I WERE TOTALLY SHAMELESS AND WAS BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE WITH A WORKING EAR, AND THINKING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "IT'S LOVE", OR "I'M GOING TO DEMI MOORE HIS FINE ASS". THAT HAPPENS TO BE WHAT MY 40 SOMETHING SISTER IS DOING (I'M 30 SOMETHING... THE BOYS ARE OF COMPARABLE AGE).

IT'S FUNNY... HER AND I BOTH END UP WITH A WAAAAAAAAAAY YOUNGER GUY AT THE VERY SAME TIME. THE TIMING COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME. JUST WHEN MY THOUGHTS WERE TURNING TO UNREALISTIC FANTASY, AND I STARTED ENTERTAINING CRAZY IDEAS INVOLVING COMMITMENT AND FULFILLMENT, HERE COMES BIG SIS ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, WRECKING HER LIFE, HER SONS' LIVES, AND WITH NO SIGN OF LETTING UP. SHE IS just ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THE MANY INFLUENCES IN MY LIFE THAT HAS MADE MISTAKES AND NOT LEARNED FROM THEM. I REFUSE TO BE THAT OBLIVIOUS. TRUE, I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M NOT A GENIUS, BUT I WON'T LAY DOWN AND PRETEND TO MYSELF THAT I'M RETARDED JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO INDULGE SELFISH, PSYCHOTIC WHIMS OVER AND OVER RATHER THAN SEARCH FOR THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM BUILDING TRUST UPON RESPECT AND MUTUAL, HONEST AGREEMENT (AND NO, I'M NOT BEING NAIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)

a fucking lie.

I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT MYSELF FOR HOW HORRIBLE I LOOK. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I AM OLDER AND MY FACE HAS WRINKLES AND IT HANGS THE WAY IT DOES. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I'M JUST NOT THAT PRETTY AND MY SKIN IS NOT NICE. BUT TO LET MY STOMACH GO?!?!? AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUST. I MEAN, MOST 12 YEAR OLDS HAVE MORE THAN I DO. AND REALLY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT IS AN ISSUE IN IT'S SELF, BUT WHEN I HAVE A FUCKED UP CURVATURE OF MY SPINE THAT MAKES MY AMPLE ASS STICK OUT FURTHER THAN IT ALREADY DOES, AND WHEN MY STOMACH WILL NEVER BE CONCAVE FROM THE SIDE BECAUSE OF SAID CURVATURE, I CAN NOT AFFORD A HUGE STOMACH!!! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE HOW I ACT, I HATE HOW LITTLE I HAVE, HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE, HOW MUCH I'VE LOST AND LET GO. I FUCKING HATE IT ALL. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH THE WAY IT IS. I WANT TO FIND A HOLE WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS TO HURT ME OR REMIND ME OF HOW INEPT I AM AND HOW MEAN TOO MANY OTHERS ARE. BUT SHORT OF SUICIDE OR HERION, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. IT'S A LOT MORE FESIOBLE TO THINK OF ONE DAY GETTING A HANDLE ON MY GOALS, MY DETERMINATION, MY EMOTIONS, BUT IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DO THAT WHEN I HAVE LOSS AFTER LOSS EATING AWAY AT ME AND I SEE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT AND LEFT ME DOING INCREDIBLY WELL DESPITE BEING SELFISH AND MEAN. I AM JUST PLAIN STUPID, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT. I AM WORTH KEEPING COMPANY WHEN BEING USED, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FIND REAL JOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I SUPPLY NONE OF THAT. I AM DISGUSTING, I SHOULDN 'T BE HERE. I AM MERELY FOOD THAT OTHERS FEED ON SO THEY CAN GROW STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL. I FUCKING HATE THEM FOR NOT NEEDING ME LIKE I NEED THEM. I HATE THAT I AM NOT AS BIG AN ASSHOLE AS SO MANY OTHERS SO THAT I CAN BENEFIT FROM BEING ABLE TO WALK ALL OVER OTHERS AND ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE. I MOSTLY HATE MY EX FOR LEAVING ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I HATE MYSELF MORE FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN IN FIRST PLACE... LETTING MYSELF BELIEVE THAT I ONLY NEEDED HIM AND THAT IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE TO HOLD ONTO HIM IN MY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSTANTLY TURN A BLIND EYE TO HIS LYING AND CHEATING. I HATE NEEDING ANYONE OR ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ALIVE. I NO LONGER HAVE JOY OR ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER GOTTEN HAPPY ABOUT HAS BEEN A LIE. A FUCKING LIE.

clingy

I'VE BEEN MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE... EITHER HANGING ONTO SOMEONE WHO WAS PUSHING ME AWAY ONLY TO BE DROPPED LIKE A BRICK EVENTUALLY, OR LETTING PEOPLE HANG ONTO ME WHEN I NEEDED WAY MORE SPACE THAN THEY WERE LETTING ME HAVE, ONLY TO BE DESERTED ONCE THEY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO HANG ON TO.

I'M GLAD TO BE RID OF OLD GARBAGE NONE OF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS WERE HEALTHY, THEY WERE ALL CO-DEPENDENT (clingy), AND NOW ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE FREE TO EITHER LEARN FROM THAT OR CONTINUE CO-DEPENDANCY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SAME FOR ME... NOW THERE IS ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON'T FILL ME WITH DREAD, ANNOYANCE AND HURT.

SO THAT'S A FRIEND...

ALL WINTER, ______ WOULDN'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WAS GOING THROUGH A SUPER FUCKED UP DEPRESSION OF MY OWN, AND HERE SHE IS BEING CLINGY, NAGGY, AND ON TWO OCCASIONS, VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE. I WAS FIRM AND CLEAR WITH HER WHEN I DISCUSSED MY NEEDS AND FEELINGS, AND DID EVERYTHING TO VALIDATE AND SOOTHE HER FEELINGS WHILE STILL MAINTAINING AND ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

CUT TO SUMMER, AND NOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. HAVING A BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND AT THIS POINT, SO RIGHT THERE, I'M FEELING A RIFT. I NOTICE WHENEVER WE TALK ON THE PHONE, OR SEE ONE ANOTHER, HE IS EITHER THERE, OR SHE IS LONELY AND NEEDING TO BE WITH ME UNTIL HE'S AROUND AGAIN. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO HIM. I SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS, AND OF COURSE, THIS IS HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS WITH ____.

SO, I DECIDE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO TO BE DONE WITH AN OLD FRIEND. THIS ONE TOO HAS A BOY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON, JUST AN ANNOYANCE REALLY. THAT IS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE TON OF ICE CREAM THAT IS HER INSINCERITY, DISHONESTY, DISGUSTING CHARACTER. I REALIZED SHE WOULD BETRAY ME IF THE SITUATION PRESENTED ITSELF. SHE'S THE TYPE TO CHEAT WITH HUSBANDS, SLEEP WITH GUYS HER FRIENDS ARE HOPING TO HOOK UP WITH, ETC. SHE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT MONEY, SHE HAS INSULTED ME WITH NAME CALLING BEHIND MY BACK, SHE HAS FLAKED ON PLANS, ETC... SO I'M DONE. I TELL ______ ALL ABOUT THIS, AND THEN THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME; WHAT IF SHE WERE TO BE DONE WITH ME?

ANYWAY, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT IS HAPPENING IS I HAVE GONE WAAAAAAAAAY DOWN ON HER LADDER OF PRIORITIES. FIRST SHE NEEDS ME CONSTANTLY, THEN SHE DOESN'T NEED ME AT ALL. SHE LEAVES ME APOLOGETIC MESSAGES THAT ARE MEANT TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER RATHER THAN ACTUALLY RESOLVE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HOW I'M FEELING DUE TO HER ACTIONS. I CALLED HER CRYING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER NIGHT... AFTER LISTENING TO ME AND ACKNOWLEDGING HER END OF THINGS, SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE'D PUT ME A NOTCH OR TWO HIGHER ON THE LADDER. I MEAN, I'M NOT WANTING IT LIKE THIS PAST WINTER... THAT WAS UNFAIRLY TOO MUCH! BUT IN LIGHT OF WHAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT HOW 2 OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FRIENDS I'VE HAD ARE BOTH GONE FROM MY LIFE NOW, AND IN LIGHT OF ME BRINGING UP MY VIEW OF HER ACTIONS, I REQUIRED A NOTCH OR TWO, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE CONVEYED WOULD HAPPEN AS OF RIGHT THEN. 2 DAYS LATER, IT'S THE SAME SHIT. SHE'S TOO BUSY TO CALL ME BACK WHEN WE PLAN ON TALKING. SHE CALLS LATER, AFTER THE FACT, TO APOLOGIZE AND 'HOPE I'M NOT MAD'.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HER ALL OF THIS ANOTHER WAY. OBVIOUSLY, TO ME AT LEAST, I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HER NOW LIKE I WAS, AND DISCUSSING IT WON'T CHANGE THAT. SHE HAS LET ME DOWN, SHOWN HERSELF TO BE A HYPOCRITE, AND IF SHE EVER DOES NEED ME AGAIN IN ANY CAPACITY, THERE WILL EXIST A WIDENED RIFT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRANSVERSIBLE.