why don't i feel good?

i bought a car this week. i should be fucking happy. jesus fucking christ, all i could do a few months ago was fantasize about how a car would make me feel better. i wouldn't have to spend time on the bus, i wouldn't have to be around those lame people on the bus, i wouldn't have to wait for the bus where anyone in the world could see me standing there alone, most likely wearing something lame or embarrassing. i wouldn't have to go grocery shopping with my bike and therefore make the cashier pissed because i needed to bag everything just so. i wouldn't have to go light to naked lady parties or ask for rides home or not be able to buy detergent the same day i bought soda or not be able to go to a fun party out of town or get to the coast or do a favor for a friend or lug my stuff to a street fair to sell... for god's sake, i would have a million ways in which my life would vastly improve. but here i am feeling alone, feeling unhappy, feeling unloved and unlovable. even though i LOVE my car and it is EXACTLY what i wanted (how lucky is that? thank you craigslist!), it feels empty and bittersweet. i don't have anywhere special to go with it, no one i can win over because of it, no one i can go see or fuck in the middle of the night via it. damn. you see, if i had a job, i could appreciate it more. instead, i feel vain and compensatory.

good thing is now i can go to the gym. seriously, i should have just done it with my bike, but i didn't. thing is, it's one thing to ride the bike with a sense of pride, however for me it was just demoralizing. i wasn't doing it for exercise or fresh air or the environment... i was doing it because the only other option was the bus. and then the weather turned, i was home too many hours of too many days, and i started in with the bus. what the fucking fuck?!??!?

i am frustrated. this tinge of anger i'm feeling right now is a welcome break from the usual sadness that permeates each hour of each day now. i am depressed. can't get out of bed, do not like to look in the mirror, do not enjoy myself unless i'm high (and even then, i'm not really having the fun i used to on drugs). i can't bring myself to fuck anyone, but that doesn't matter, because no one is really lining up anyway. i can't give it away. so many people tell me i look a lot younger than i am, yet i'm not getting the attention i used to. or at least it seems. it may be that i'm going after hotter guys than i used to and i'm not giving it out to the same ugly types i always used to... so there's more rejection nowadays. a lot more. but even though i rationally KNOW that's ok, i have to ask myself if this new rejection is because i'm older and uglier, or i'm coming off more DESPARATE and therefore uglier.
anyway, this entry is a bit unorganized, but fuck it. i needed to vent, and vent i did. tomorrow i hope to go to a new movie with an old friend (and hopefully he won't hit on me, but unfortunately that is likely). i also hope to hit the gym. i did yesterday for the first time in weeks, and lord did it help!

i don't get it

so lonely. there were so many men hitting on me last night... but none of them were interesting or very good looking. i miss my ex. i wish i had interesting, special people in my life. i am very grateful for all the love and all the people who like to spend time with me, but i can't remember the last time i really LAUGHED with someone because of something they said.

i miss my ex. i miss that feeling of laughter. i miss having someone to hold or to lean against. i barely miss sex though. jesus. i can't watch porn without wondering if i'll ever have decent sex again. ever. i don't know what to do in this moment. i know i need to get out and do things like read, go to the gym, get into school. i am afraid i will waste too much of my money or fuck up my UI. i need to be smart about my decisions in these next few weeks. super smart... and that paralyzes me. everything paralyzes me. i have the hardest time concentrating. jesus. anxiety. oh god.

i long for ____, but i feel like i don't even know him. tonight, i found a new picture of him online and i didn't recognize him. he's an entirely different person than the guy i dated. of course he is who he is and i must have loved an apparition, but i can't help longing for who it was i loved.

there is a laundry list of what i want in a man, in my friends, in my life... i put a ton on them on my ex, and now that he ran away from me, i have no one to put all that on. i feel so alone, drifting, hurt, alone. i am afraid to have any involvment with any men because i can't stand the possibility of being misled or the possibility of hurting someone or feeling trapped. damn, damn, damn.

i need a fuller life. tomorrow i will go to the gym, work on a custom order overdue, and shop for a vehicle and make a list of what i need to look for in a vehicle.

reading

so, it was for a while that i couldn't read at all. the thought of reading caused me to feel so horrible that only death could fix that feeling on the spot. i would cringe in wait for that feeling to pass. i shifted my thoughts away from books or subjects of interest or academic merit as quickly as possible. i found myself playing backgammon online over and over... it was a way to interact with other humans, be better than them, and not involve words. the mere mention of a bookstore or an author would throw me into a tizzy in my head. it was like i was suddenly caught in a room full of angry bees... they were angry i dared to compete with the likes of my ex and those around him that pursued reading and learning... especially the woman he left me for.

things are much better now. however, they are not all better. i need to read. i need to write. actually, i think if i wrote a little everyday, esp. at the beginning of the day, i would feel more grounded instead of soooo very scattered. then i would have more confidence. for instance, even though i KNOW i like to read and i know how important it is, and i know i have read a ton ever since i was very young and it was without the prompting of anyone at all, i still have this buzzing in the back of my brain that says i'm doing it to impress others. shit. perhaps both are true... i want it to improve my mind and to gain admiration from others. i don't yet know if that is all right. what percentage of each should i be at? where would i feel most comfortable? anyway, beginning to write will guide me to where i need to be with my reading. i know it. and that in itself is so way beyond where i was a few months ago.

new year, old issues

ahh, whatever. not particularly sad or mad, not glad. blah. ah. ha.

just posted a lot of new photos on my facebook. there's a few with a boy i spent the actual new year with. just me and him and some shrooms and molly. good times. but wait... it was at a show and i met him through our mutual friend who we lost along the way after my friend found her way to a random guy... long story short, i was way into this guy but could tell he was not going to go beyond just friends. if i weren't so high, i would have told myself to let it go, but instead i figured i had nothing to lose by pushing it by kissing and hugging him. hell, i was hugging EVERYBODY! but kissing just him. he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss back either. he was higher than i, so i guessed that was why i was getting mixed messages rather than a blow off, but still... i was hoping for a miraculous event (thanks to the huge rush of seratonian), so i pushed. it wasn't until we all met up after the show and i asked him if he wanted to continue to hang out that he finally fessed up to having a girlfriend. she was down in mexico waiting for him.

it was funny... on the one hand, i feel silly for going there and getting rejected, on the other, he didn't reject me. he spent almost the whole show with me, was with me at midnight, and didn't make me feel weird once. even when he had to finally tell me he had a girlfriend, i still got the feeling that he did like me... i can't read his mind, but i get the feeling he enjoyed having a cute, friendly girl to hand out with at a show he only knew a couple of accquaintences at, and that he didn't feel the slightest urge to do anything against his relationship, but at the same time, it was a sweet, flirty thing. argh, i'm not really putting this into the most elegant wording, but the long and short of it is that i'm glad to have spent time with him that night. he was incredibly beautiful. he was tall and scientific and smart and skinny and a mountain man. ooooh.

anyway, i was putting pics up on facebook, and i was hoping that by seeing them, my ex and my enemies would witness how incredible i am, and how i don't care about what they've done to me and they are wrong and i am great. fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. i hope one day I KNOW i am great and i hope that one day I HAVE a boyfriend who is every bit as wonderful as that one guy and he stays true to me that guy stays true to his gf. one day, one day, one day.

thing is, none of that will happen so long as i sit on this damn computer everyday. but i'm sad, i'm frightened, i'm tired, i'm alone, i'm sick, i'm bored, i'm dumb, i'm weak, i'm lazy, i'm stuck. i know how to change all these things, but so far, not really happening. lazy, lazy, lazy. i saw an ad on cl. damn cute. my age. soooo tempted to answer, but i don't like the chance of rejection, or lameness, or anyone i know finding out about it. argh. i will try to look out for him randomly in rl instead. that's better. argh. he seems like the tight black pants type anyway.

ha

i just remembered... i used to have to have valium on me at all times, just in case i ran into ____. not anymore. i of course, would feel sick to my stomach, but i'd stop short of a panic attack. god, i hope i don't test this theory. i hope it's a looooooooooong time before i run into him (even though i miss him like crazy. actually, because i still DO miss him like crazy).
good news. i FINALLY get to get a fucking haircut. i have no idea when my last was. maybe a year ago. almost. it's out of control. just in time to see my family and hit the big city. whoo hoo. thanks to _____ for loaning me the big bucks to make my xmas everything i could hope for. i sooooooooo have to make her a quilt.
speaking of sewing, i've been doing just that. it takes me a few hours after i wake up at about noon to get motivated to think about what i'm going to work on, and then another couple of hours to get to the machine. but these last few days, at least i'm getting to the machine and STAYING there. whoot whoot what. i sooooo have to finish 2 hoodies by saturday, and if i'm lucky, another one before i fly out tuesday. oh boy. leaves me no time to work on anything for me for east coast. oh well. i have a lot of nice things to wear anyway. i have sweet sweaters to bust out and i'll probably wear only boots the whole time i'm out there since i usually ride my bike everyday here. yeah yeah, i'll be drinking yeungling EVERYday and pizzer every other night. what what.
so... things seem to be falling into place. i hope i make the very most of this opportunity. i hope i go back to school and get a double major by 2012. i hope i re-experience the feeling of falling in love again and am able to enjoy it's rewards rather than let it's risks drive me insane. i hope i can paint my entire house and do some fixer upper stuff like replace my faucet, nail up the gutters, rototill the yard, and maybe fix the leak in my bathroom so i don't feel a wet splash when i am sitting on the toilet 30 seconds from regaining conscienceness. i hope i think i'm pretty again one day. i hope i get back into reading. i hope i can lay off living in the past. i hope i can shed unhealthy relationships or preferably get realllllllly good at drawing strict, fair boundaries from day 1. i hope i can have a family one day, or the equivalent thereof. i hope when i get a car, it's kick ass. i want a wagon dammit. volvo, subaru, corrolla... oh yeah. don't care what year, but hopefully old yet reliable. i want to take it up and down the mountain, not just up and down main st. and if it's green... whoa.
anyway, i also realllllllllly want to let go of my hate. not entirely, but enough so it's negligible when it comes to overpowering me. i want it there to challenge me, keep me sharp, but i don't want it clouding all that i do.

things sure are different

wow. won a lawsuit. got laid off and now i'm getting just as much with ui as i was with my checks thanks to no more garnishment. should be able to get out of default and go back to school with the new limit on fed max for fafsa. jeez. peace corps? prolly. new used car. uh huh. fabric, haircut, new pots and pans, coffee maker, trip out east for xmas, nye paid in full, no more cc mins, pay moms lots back, new clothes, decent coat and shoes, fix up my bikes, and so forth. wow. so glad this is happening. so worried about fucking it up. so glad it's happening now and not earlier in my life when i was still in love or on drugs or traveling a lot. wow.

still missing ____. can't wait til something else takes that place in my heart. hope it's not empty for all time. i refuse to refill it with garbage. that is what was there in the first place, and now here i am wishing i had more. jeez. steve perry, you're my hero, but you get me in trouble. no more.

wish i were prettier, or at least had a better rack. oh well. i do have a decent mind and i'm not fat. there's that. i can always improve my mind and body and my looks, mood, and friends will follow. i know that. it's hard tho. i keep remembering all the hurt and all the betrayal i've been on both sides of, and it's debilitating. i wish i weren't so alone. i wish i trusted people more. it's so lonely. i cry all the time. i wonder what it's like not to cry without feeling numb. to just NOT cry. i hope to one day find out.

the other woman

SO, I THOUGHT I POSTED A MISSED CONNECTION ON CRAIGSLIST LAST NIGHT, BUT I MUST HAVE CLACKED WHEN I SHOULD HAVE CLICKED, BECAUSE IT WASN'T THERE WHEN I CHECKED LATER. IT WAS REALLY GOOD TOO, SO THAT IS A DISAPPOINTMENT. IT WAS A 'LETTER' TO MY EX AND IT WAS ABOUT MY CONFUSION AS TO WHY ALL MY FRIENDS SUCK AND WHETHER I'M DOOMED TO WISHING I WAS WORTHY OF MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE DUE TO BEING MISLED TO THINK SOMEONE AS GREAT AS HIM (MINUS THE LYING) WAS INTO ME.

NOW I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TEXTING WITH THE 2 CLOSEST PEOPLE TO ME RIGHT NOW. THE 21 YEAR OLD ACROSS THE COUNTRY THAT IS 'BANGING' A CUTE GIRL HIS AGE WHILE CALLING ME TO TALK ALMOST EVERY DAY AND THE NEW FRIEND I MADE THIS PAST MONTH THAT SEEMS REALLY PROMISING, BUT MAY BE TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY AND ONE MORE PERSON TO PROVE MY THEORY ABOUT WHAT I'M WORTH FRIEND-WISE.

ANYWAY, TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK, AND I'M FEELING ALL RIGHT, COMPARATIVELY. I STILL OBSESS ABOUT MY EX, BUT AT LEAST IT'S ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS SINCE THE OFFICIAL BREAK UP AND I STILL HAVE HALF AS LONG AS THAT TO RECOOPERATE ENOUGH TO FEEL LIKE I'VE MOVED ON. I HAVE A LOT OF SEWING TO LOOK FORWARD TO, MONEY-WISE AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, FAMILY-HOLIDAY-WISE. I AM SOOOOO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY, AND AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT STRENGTHENING MY TIES WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THANKS TO FACEBOOK AND SO FORTH. OH, AND THE THING WITH ______... I'M REALLY AT THE POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CUT HIM LOOSE, OTHERWISE I'M NO BETTER THAN A MISTRESS THAT SAYS, 'OH, BUT HE LOVES ME'... FOR ONE THING, IT'S NOT FAIR TO HIS GF, AND FOR ANOTHER, IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE NEXT AWESOME GUY I MEET THAT I WON'T GIVE ALL MY ATTENTION TO BECAUSE I'M GLUED TO THE PHONE WITH A KID TALKING ABOUT DICK JOKES 90% OF THE TIME. OH, AND IF WE BOTH DO END UP AT NYE TOGETHER, I CAN'T GO DOWN THERE HAVING JUST KEPT IN TOUCH WITH HIM NON-STOP SINCE AUGUST. THE BREAK IS NECESSARY SO I DON'T BECOME PATHETIC AND THROW MYSELF AT HIM.

I GUESS I HAVE TO OUTRIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM. HE MAY FEEL HURT IN THE MEANTIME, BUT IT WILL BE A GREAT LEARNING LESSON FOR HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO RESPECT THE PERCEPTIONS OF THOSE THAT ARE RELIANT ON HIM THAT HE CONTINUES TO BENEFIT FROM. HE'S A GOOD KID AND HE SHOULD STAY THAT WAY. I DON'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE BULLSHIT.