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NO ONE TO TALK TO. I HAVE FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS. THEY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT ANYTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US. I THANKS THE GODS FOR THEM. I AM TRULY HAPPY THAT I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY TO RELY ON AND CONNECT WITH AS WELL. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT? but I AM SO VERY UPSET THAT THERE ISN'T SOMETHING MORE THAT I CAN GET OUT OF ALL THIS. I SUPPOSE A MAN TO LOVE AND LIVE LIFE WITH WOULD BE NICE, BUT I KNOW THAT WOULD LEAVE ME FEELING FRUSTRATED TOO. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE ABLE TO LIKE MYSELF, BUT I DOUBT THAT'S EVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'LL ONLY REALLY BE SATISFIED IF I COULD ROAM AND ROAM AND ROAM... GET TO SEE PLACES OTHERS COULD ONLY DREAM OF. GET TO EXPERIECNCE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS THAT ARE SO VERY FORIEGN THAT EVERYONE I KNOW WOULD SHUDDER WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH SUCH HEIGHTS. INSTEAD THOUGH, I AM SITTING AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY 3 WALLS ONLY A FOOT IN FRONT OF ME AND TO EITHER SIDE. BEHIND ME EYES BURN HOLES IN MY BACK AND KEEP ME FROM WANTING TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT, FOR I'LL ONLY HAVE TO RETURN.

SHIT, I ATE A SANDWICH AND NOW MY STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY IS EATING ME? I CAN'T STAND THAT THERE WAS A MAN I LOVED, AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, IT WAS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER GIRL, ONE SO LIKE ME THAT I WAS SURE THAT I WAS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER, AND THAT HE THOUGHT OF HER DURING SEX, DURING EVERYTHING. HE THEN ALSO ENTERTAINED SO MANY OTHER WOMEN IN HIS MIND, IN HIS LIFE. HE SLEPT AT THE HOUSES AND EMAILED WITH THEM AT NIGHT WHILE I SLEPT DREAMING OF HIM. HOW I SUFFERED BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE! HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD, AND IT WAS TAINTED! NOTHING WAS GOOD THEN, AND IT IS ALLWORSE NOW. I SUPPOSE I COULD BE GLAD THAT I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I AM FREE TO START SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BETTER, BUT NOTHING IS BETTER. IS THAT THE BEST I WAS TO GET? ALL THE MEN I MEET NOW, ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I DO HAVE... I AM LEFT FEELING ASHAMED THAT I DO NOT LOVE THEM MORE. THEY ARE SO VERY KIND TO ME, AND I AM SO VERY HONEST WITH THEM, BUT DON'T I AND THEY DESERVE MORE?

never

NEVER WILL I WANT ____ AGAIN. however, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT I COULD HAVE A CIVIL INTERACTION WITH HIM ON OCCASION IF HE WERE TO APPROACHE ME HUMBLED, APOLOGETIC, AND THROUGHLY AND CONSISTANTLY REPENTANT. EVEN THEN, I WOULD NOT COMPLETELY TRUST HIM TO BE HONEST WITH ME AT ALL TIMES ABOUT ALL THINGS. SINCE HE IS SOMEONE WHOM I HAVE FELT SO STRONGLY TOWARDS IN BOTH GOOD AND BAD REGARD, THIS LACK OF COMPLETE HONESTY AND TRUST MEANS THAT I would always FEEL LIKE I WAS ON GUARD OF MY VERY DIGNITY, SOUL, AND BELONGINGS WHEN I AM THINKING OF HIM OR IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

NEVER WILL I ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF SOME SORT OF RECONCILIATION WHEREBY HE WERE TO FORSAKE ALL OTHERS AND DECLARE HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO ME. THE TIME FOR SUCH AN ACT HAS COME AND GONE, NEVER TO APPEAR AGAIN. SOMEONE MAY ENTER INTO MY LIFE, AND THAT MAY BE THE PERSON I WOULD YEARN TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH AND NO OTHER. THERE IS NO WAY ON THIS EARTH THAT ____ COULD BE THAT PERSON NOW AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED.

JUST AS pertainent, THE CHANCES OF HIM COMING TO ME AND WANTING TO BE WITH ME ON ANY LEVEL WHATSOEVER IS PRACTICALLY NIL. SO WHAT IS LEFT IS THIS: I WILL NEVER WANT HIM, AND HE WILL NEVER WANT ME. IF EITHER HE OR I ARE TO BE IN A FULFILLING, LOVING, LASTING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, IT WILL NOT BE WITH ONE ANOTHER, IT MUST THEREFORE BE WITH ANOTHER.

sad all over again

i should be happy. i kissed an incredibly cute boy last night and i really liked it. i really wanted to do a lot more than kiss, but he was being coy and then he was being cautious. i know he was attracted to me. i know he was every bit as into it as i was. but i still feel rejected now that i haven't heard from him. i called him today not long after i woke and left him a message. no call back.
there are many possible reasons why he hasn't called. it doesn't mean he's not interested. maybe he is, but there's something in the way. still, i get the feeling that i came on too strong, as if my excitement looked too much like desperation. maybe i'm acutally desperate, and i just think it's excitement.
anyway, i don't really have the right to get upset. i started out last night flirting with another guy who really wanted to hang out that night. at first i said yes, but then when i saw cute boy showed up, i told other guy some other time. he was persistent, so i said i'd call today. i never did. it seemed all right to consider him at the beginning of the night, but after the intensity of the cute boy and after running over in my head how his mouth and hands and body felt for those moments we were making out, i just couldn't settle for less right now.
anyway, i have been completely frustrated all day. i can't focus on work... mostly because i'm sad. i keep thinking about my ex and how he probably doesn't have to worry about being rejected at all these days. it's like he's got a line of women waiting for him. it's so unfair. or at least it seems that way. i had 4 different men last night pining for me. 3 of them i've known for a long time. the other one just that night. but the one i really went for didn't want to come home with me. didn't call me the next day.
i can keep trying to remind myself he may call later in the week, but my gut is telling me to forget about it and my self-loathing is telling me my ex is having sex and laying in bed laughing with and enjoying the new woman he likes so much better than me.
good thing is this: i haven't felt sexually hungry for months. i am now. i just needed a hot guy to look at and go for. i know there's at least one out there, there's bound to be more.

flipping

i have been emailing my ex. i totally have a strong feeling that he's deleting them without reading them, so i am indulging in wild abandon rather than stifling every urge i have to contact him. for a while there, i was going slightly out of my way to try find him at the bus stop, but it felt really gross after a while, and i have since felt less of an urge to do that. so if emailing is a more proper vent, so be that rather than running into him and seeing a horrible look of recognition on his face when i come barreling around the corner and surprising him.

my hope is that if he is reading any of my emails, something inside him will click and let go. he's got this lock on what really happened, like it's in a safe and he'll never let me see it, even though it does belong to me as well. i spent over 2 years with him, and now i don't know what really happened in that time, and i don't know how he really felt about me, and i don't know who he really is. i don't care if the answer is the worst case scenerio... as long as there was a real answer. i just can't believe that all my memories are to be trusted. i know there's a possibility that i should just take everything at face value, but my gut isn't buying it. my hope is that a glimmer of guilt directs him into addmission and repentance. i know he's way too guarded for that to be a reality. he has years and years of fighting the church and his own family in the very same way. he won that battle with them years ago and they are just happy to have him in their lives, lying or no lying.

i couldn't do that. i have a choice of who i spend my love on. they on the other hand couldn't choose their son/brother/cousin/newphew. i couldn't justify looking the other way indefinitely. and now i can't justify letting the truth fall by the wayside. of course, i am going about this in the wrong way. if i were more clever and patient and cunning, i could coax it out of him over time. but my strong emotions flipped the fuck out, and all i can do now is spew, spew, and spew into his inbox and slowing and surely empty all this toxicidity out of my system over time. i want him out of my head just like he is out of my life.

what a huge mistake it was to believe in him. i believed the bullshit. i fooled myself. now i have to undo all these fucking knots i tightened. bastards.

i know what i want

to NOT THINK ABOUT ____

INTERESTING, SMART FRIENDS

to become a better listener

to DRINK less overall

to be BACK IN SCHOOL

a CHALLENGING JOB WITH admirable PEOPLE IN GOOD AREA WITH a DECENT COMMUTE

to PAY OFF ALL CCS

a GREAT ROAD BIKE

a RELIABLE CAR

to CLEAR out the BACKYARD

to PAINT the whole HOUSE

to get in BETTER SHAPE

to go HOME FOR CHRISTMAS every year

to TRAVEL ABROAD

an HONEST BOYFRIEND

GREAT CLOTHing

to TAKE CARE OF my dad's last days and afterlife

good things do happen

whoa. good things do happen to good people. doing the right thing and following one's gut pays off! it's not just the assholes and liars and theives that get what they want. i'm not a sucker! lately, it really has felt like the more i trust and hope, the more i'm fooling myself. but that's not so. it's like this: 1) don't give away one's trust, but rather know there are those in the world deserving of it and save it for them. 2) it's ok to do the right thing. the most important consequence is how your conscience feels after the fact. if you get something for nothing, and it costs someone else who doesn't deserve to have to pay, then step up. otherwise, you'll end up paying in the long run in addition to that unfortunate, used soul you fucked over. and don't worry about things not working out if you're honest. you need to be honest no matter what happens in the short run. it takes courage to face the unknown, and it takes humility to deal with outcomes as they are. the reward will be a lesson well learned and future situations well-lived. 3) to get what you want in this life, one need not lower themselves to the level of the sick sociopaths who are capable of cutting off all human emotion. they suffer in ways that you could never dream, so do not envy their shortcomings. their benefits are shallow and will only breed cesspools of more sickness down the line.

so what i want to know is, "if good things do happen to good people, is it ok to still have a part of you that wallows in the enjoyment derived from hoping bad things happen to bad people?"

needy

I AM SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE BRIDGES I'VE CROSSED AND BURNED:

_______ - I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH ME. PUTTING ASIDE WHAT I DID WRONG, HE WAS CRUEL TO ME, AND IT IS BETTER TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS HIS. HE PROBABLY HAS A GOOD LIFE, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HAVE THE SAME.

___ - I SHOULDN'T HAD GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM. I WAS REALLY HORRIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT I ALSO DID A LOT TO PROTECT HIM FROM FUTHER INJURY, SO I AM NOT COMPLETELY EVIL. ALL THAT I DID WRONG IS DONE AND GONE, AND ALTHOUGH I AM UPSET THAT HE WON'T TALK WITH ME, I FEEL TO ASHAMED TO TALK WITH HIM. IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT HE LET ME WALK ALL OVER HIM ONE TOO MANY TIMES. THE COMFORTING FACTOR IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE DESERVING, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, NO LONGER SUBJECT TO MY SELFISHNESS. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, LEARNED FROM THEM, AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND RELISH IN MY NEWFOUND INTEGRITY.

_____ - I WAS RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED WHEN IT CAME TO HOW I TREATED HER. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT HER GOOD FORTUNE IN CERTAIN AREAS MEANT THAT SHE COULD, OR SHOULD, TAKE ON MORE HASSLE THAN SHE DESERVED. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS UNREALISTIC AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE AND VERY ANGRY. WE DID SHARE A BOND BASED ON POSSIBILITIES IN THE BEGINNING, BUT THEN DRIFTED APART. I DON'T MISS HER MUCH, I MOSTLY REGRET HAVING BEEN MEAN AND MISGUIDED IN MY ATTEMPS TO BE A HALF-ASSED FRIEND. NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO NEEDY AND IN ADDITION, I SEE THAT WHEN SHE WAS ENTERING A BAD SPOT IN HER LIFE, I HELD ONTO WHAT WAS WITH HER RATHER THAN SEEING WHAT WAS. I DO FEEL LIKE I DID QUITE A LOT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS TO BLAME, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE WAS ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL. IT'S OK WE DRIFTED, IT'S OK WE'RE NOT IN TOUCH, I JUST REGRET LEAVING A MEAN 'BREAK UP' MESSAGE, AND NOT REELING MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW I WAS STARTING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.

_______ - IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WITH HER, AND IT IS STILL TOO FRESH TO REALLY FIGURE OUT IF IT COULD BE DIFFERENT (BETTER) AT THIS POINT. ON THE ONE HAND, I TRIED TO BE PAITENT AND COMMUNICATIVE BUT SHE WASN'T RECEPTIVE. ON THE OTHER, I WOULD INTERJECT TOO MUCH AND I DID LOSE MY PATIENCE AND LASH OUT AT TIMES. HER AND I ARE ONLY ADDING TO ONE ANOTHER'S NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GOOD TO BE FREE OF OBLIGATION TO HER. HOWEVER, I HATE TO THINK SHE IS AVOIDING ME NOW OUT OF ANGER, SHAME, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY, AND I NEVER AGREED TO THAT INTENSE OF A RELATIONSHIP.

____ - THAT WAS A MISTAKE FROM THE BEGINNING. I KNEW HE WAS SHADY, SELFISH, DISHONEST. I KNEW I WAS CLINGY AND NEEDY AND I THOUGHT I COULD WEIGH EVERYTHING SO IT BALANCED. WHEN I FIRST BROKE UP WITH HIM, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A WAY SO I COULD HAVE STUCK WITH IT, BECAUSE SINCE THEN, NOTHING EVER FELT LASTING OR SAFE. THE PROBLEM WAS I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE LOOSING HIM, AND I KNEW I WOULD RESORT TO ANYTHING AT ALL TO KNOW I DID ALL I COULD. INSTEAD, I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND NOT SUBJECTED MYSELF TO FURTHER HUMILATION. HE DID TO ME EXACTLY WHAT _______ DID, AND THE COMMONALITY IS THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SET MYSELF UP BOTH TIMES. I SHOULD HAVE REELED MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW MYSELF GETTING JEALOUS AND NEEDY. IF I AM STRESSED TOO MUCH, THERE ARE CHANGES THAT I NEED TO MAKE, RATHER THAN DEMANDING THEY MAKE THE CHANGES. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT I WOULD NOT WIN WITH ____, AND LEFT HIM BEFORE HE INEVITABLY LEFT ME. HOWEVER, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR NOT HAVING DONE SO, BECAUSE I ONLY FEEL THIS CERTAINY IN HINDSIGHT. I HAD FALSE HOPE THEN, BUT AT LEAST I HAD HOPE. I KNOW I TRIED, AND THAT I WAS LIED TO IN THE END. ALL THE SELF DELUDING I IMPOSED ON MYSELF IF NOTHING ELSE TAUGHT ME TO NEVER FOOL MYSELF AGAIN THAT A MAN LOVES ME UNLESS HE SHOWS ME HE DOES. NO MORE EXCUSES FOR THEIR FRAIL VULNERABITIES AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. IF I NEED SOMEONE THAT IS THAT SICK, I NEED THEM TO BE IN TREATMENT, OTHERWISE I NEED THEM OUT OF MY LIFE UNTIL THEY ARE.

I LET PEOPLE CHEAT ON ME, LIE TO ME, BECAUSE I DID SO TO ____ BACK IN THE DAY WITH ____ , BECAUSE I WAS SO SURE GUYS DIDN'T REALLY WANT ME THAT I'D LATCH ON TO NEW ONES, THEN THOSE SAME GUYS THAT DITCHED ME LATER BLAMED ME TO SLEEPING AROUND... AND I BELIEVED IT! MY GUILT ALLOWED ME TO BE SO VULNERABLE. LATER, I LET _____ TO WHATEVER BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORK AND ALL THE YA... EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE MEAN GUYS WHO USE ME, AND I AM MEAN TO NICE GUYS WHO I RESENT FOR NOT BEING CLEVER ENOUGH TO FIGURE ME OUT.

THIS IS WHY I AM SINGLE NOW. THIS IS WHY I NO LONGER HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I AM REBUILDING HONESTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP. I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYTHING OF VALUE BE BLOWN AWAY IN A WHIRLWIND OF MY DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS. I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE CONDITIONS THAT ARE RIPE FOR CREATING SUCH MALSTREOMS ANYMORE.