flipping

i have been emailing my ex. i totally have a strong feeling that he's deleting them without reading them, so i am indulging in wild abandon rather than stifling every urge i have to contact him. for a while there, i was going slightly out of my way to try find him at the bus stop, but it felt really gross after a while, and i have since felt less of an urge to do that. so if emailing is a more proper vent, so be that rather than running into him and seeing a horrible look of recognition on his face when i come barreling around the corner and surprising him.

my hope is that if he is reading any of my emails, something inside him will click and let go. he's got this lock on what really happened, like it's in a safe and he'll never let me see it, even though it does belong to me as well. i spent over 2 years with him, and now i don't know what really happened in that time, and i don't know how he really felt about me, and i don't know who he really is. i don't care if the answer is the worst case scenerio... as long as there was a real answer. i just can't believe that all my memories are to be trusted. i know there's a possibility that i should just take everything at face value, but my gut isn't buying it. my hope is that a glimmer of guilt directs him into addmission and repentance. i know he's way too guarded for that to be a reality. he has years and years of fighting the church and his own family in the very same way. he won that battle with them years ago and they are just happy to have him in their lives, lying or no lying.

i couldn't do that. i have a choice of who i spend my love on. they on the other hand couldn't choose their son/brother/cousin/newphew. i couldn't justify looking the other way indefinitely. and now i can't justify letting the truth fall by the wayside. of course, i am going about this in the wrong way. if i were more clever and patient and cunning, i could coax it out of him over time. but my strong emotions flipped the fuck out, and all i can do now is spew, spew, and spew into his inbox and slowing and surely empty all this toxicidity out of my system over time. i want him out of my head just like he is out of my life.

what a huge mistake it was to believe in him. i believed the bullshit. i fooled myself. now i have to undo all these fucking knots i tightened. bastards.