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NO ONE TO TALK TO. I HAVE FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS. THEY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT ANYTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US. I THANKS THE GODS FOR THEM. I AM TRULY HAPPY THAT I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY TO RELY ON AND CONNECT WITH AS WELL. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT? but I AM SO VERY UPSET THAT THERE ISN'T SOMETHING MORE THAT I CAN GET OUT OF ALL THIS. I SUPPOSE A MAN TO LOVE AND LIVE LIFE WITH WOULD BE NICE, BUT I KNOW THAT WOULD LEAVE ME FEELING FRUSTRATED TOO. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE ABLE TO LIKE MYSELF, BUT I DOUBT THAT'S EVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'LL ONLY REALLY BE SATISFIED IF I COULD ROAM AND ROAM AND ROAM... GET TO SEE PLACES OTHERS COULD ONLY DREAM OF. GET TO EXPERIECNCE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS THAT ARE SO VERY FORIEGN THAT EVERYONE I KNOW WOULD SHUDDER WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH SUCH HEIGHTS. INSTEAD THOUGH, I AM SITTING AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY 3 WALLS ONLY A FOOT IN FRONT OF ME AND TO EITHER SIDE. BEHIND ME EYES BURN HOLES IN MY BACK AND KEEP ME FROM WANTING TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT, FOR I'LL ONLY HAVE TO RETURN.

SHIT, I ATE A SANDWICH AND NOW MY STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY IS EATING ME? I CAN'T STAND THAT THERE WAS A MAN I LOVED, AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, IT WAS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER GIRL, ONE SO LIKE ME THAT I WAS SURE THAT I WAS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER, AND THAT HE THOUGHT OF HER DURING SEX, DURING EVERYTHING. HE THEN ALSO ENTERTAINED SO MANY OTHER WOMEN IN HIS MIND, IN HIS LIFE. HE SLEPT AT THE HOUSES AND EMAILED WITH THEM AT NIGHT WHILE I SLEPT DREAMING OF HIM. HOW I SUFFERED BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE! HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD, AND IT WAS TAINTED! NOTHING WAS GOOD THEN, AND IT IS ALLWORSE NOW. I SUPPOSE I COULD BE GLAD THAT I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I AM FREE TO START SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BETTER, BUT NOTHING IS BETTER. IS THAT THE BEST I WAS TO GET? ALL THE MEN I MEET NOW, ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I DO HAVE... I AM LEFT FEELING ASHAMED THAT I DO NOT LOVE THEM MORE. THEY ARE SO VERY KIND TO ME, AND I AM SO VERY HONEST WITH THEM, BUT DON'T I AND THEY DESERVE MORE?