needy

I AM SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE BRIDGES I'VE CROSSED AND BURNED:

_______ - I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH ME. PUTTING ASIDE WHAT I DID WRONG, HE WAS CRUEL TO ME, AND IT IS BETTER TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS HIS. HE PROBABLY HAS A GOOD LIFE, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HAVE THE SAME.

___ - I SHOULDN'T HAD GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM. I WAS REALLY HORRIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT I ALSO DID A LOT TO PROTECT HIM FROM FUTHER INJURY, SO I AM NOT COMPLETELY EVIL. ALL THAT I DID WRONG IS DONE AND GONE, AND ALTHOUGH I AM UPSET THAT HE WON'T TALK WITH ME, I FEEL TO ASHAMED TO TALK WITH HIM. IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT HE LET ME WALK ALL OVER HIM ONE TOO MANY TIMES. THE COMFORTING FACTOR IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE DESERVING, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, NO LONGER SUBJECT TO MY SELFISHNESS. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, LEARNED FROM THEM, AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND RELISH IN MY NEWFOUND INTEGRITY.

_____ - I WAS RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED WHEN IT CAME TO HOW I TREATED HER. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT HER GOOD FORTUNE IN CERTAIN AREAS MEANT THAT SHE COULD, OR SHOULD, TAKE ON MORE HASSLE THAN SHE DESERVED. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS UNREALISTIC AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE AND VERY ANGRY. WE DID SHARE A BOND BASED ON POSSIBILITIES IN THE BEGINNING, BUT THEN DRIFTED APART. I DON'T MISS HER MUCH, I MOSTLY REGRET HAVING BEEN MEAN AND MISGUIDED IN MY ATTEMPS TO BE A HALF-ASSED FRIEND. NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO NEEDY AND IN ADDITION, I SEE THAT WHEN SHE WAS ENTERING A BAD SPOT IN HER LIFE, I HELD ONTO WHAT WAS WITH HER RATHER THAN SEEING WHAT WAS. I DO FEEL LIKE I DID QUITE A LOT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS TO BLAME, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE WAS ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL. IT'S OK WE DRIFTED, IT'S OK WE'RE NOT IN TOUCH, I JUST REGRET LEAVING A MEAN 'BREAK UP' MESSAGE, AND NOT REELING MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW I WAS STARTING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.

_______ - IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WITH HER, AND IT IS STILL TOO FRESH TO REALLY FIGURE OUT IF IT COULD BE DIFFERENT (BETTER) AT THIS POINT. ON THE ONE HAND, I TRIED TO BE PAITENT AND COMMUNICATIVE BUT SHE WASN'T RECEPTIVE. ON THE OTHER, I WOULD INTERJECT TOO MUCH AND I DID LOSE MY PATIENCE AND LASH OUT AT TIMES. HER AND I ARE ONLY ADDING TO ONE ANOTHER'S NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GOOD TO BE FREE OF OBLIGATION TO HER. HOWEVER, I HATE TO THINK SHE IS AVOIDING ME NOW OUT OF ANGER, SHAME, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY, AND I NEVER AGREED TO THAT INTENSE OF A RELATIONSHIP.

____ - THAT WAS A MISTAKE FROM THE BEGINNING. I KNEW HE WAS SHADY, SELFISH, DISHONEST. I KNEW I WAS CLINGY AND NEEDY AND I THOUGHT I COULD WEIGH EVERYTHING SO IT BALANCED. WHEN I FIRST BROKE UP WITH HIM, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A WAY SO I COULD HAVE STUCK WITH IT, BECAUSE SINCE THEN, NOTHING EVER FELT LASTING OR SAFE. THE PROBLEM WAS I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE LOOSING HIM, AND I KNEW I WOULD RESORT TO ANYTHING AT ALL TO KNOW I DID ALL I COULD. INSTEAD, I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND NOT SUBJECTED MYSELF TO FURTHER HUMILATION. HE DID TO ME EXACTLY WHAT _______ DID, AND THE COMMONALITY IS THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SET MYSELF UP BOTH TIMES. I SHOULD HAVE REELED MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW MYSELF GETTING JEALOUS AND NEEDY. IF I AM STRESSED TOO MUCH, THERE ARE CHANGES THAT I NEED TO MAKE, RATHER THAN DEMANDING THEY MAKE THE CHANGES. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT I WOULD NOT WIN WITH ____, AND LEFT HIM BEFORE HE INEVITABLY LEFT ME. HOWEVER, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR NOT HAVING DONE SO, BECAUSE I ONLY FEEL THIS CERTAINY IN HINDSIGHT. I HAD FALSE HOPE THEN, BUT AT LEAST I HAD HOPE. I KNOW I TRIED, AND THAT I WAS LIED TO IN THE END. ALL THE SELF DELUDING I IMPOSED ON MYSELF IF NOTHING ELSE TAUGHT ME TO NEVER FOOL MYSELF AGAIN THAT A MAN LOVES ME UNLESS HE SHOWS ME HE DOES. NO MORE EXCUSES FOR THEIR FRAIL VULNERABITIES AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. IF I NEED SOMEONE THAT IS THAT SICK, I NEED THEM TO BE IN TREATMENT, OTHERWISE I NEED THEM OUT OF MY LIFE UNTIL THEY ARE.

I LET PEOPLE CHEAT ON ME, LIE TO ME, BECAUSE I DID SO TO ____ BACK IN THE DAY WITH ____ , BECAUSE I WAS SO SURE GUYS DIDN'T REALLY WANT ME THAT I'D LATCH ON TO NEW ONES, THEN THOSE SAME GUYS THAT DITCHED ME LATER BLAMED ME TO SLEEPING AROUND... AND I BELIEVED IT! MY GUILT ALLOWED ME TO BE SO VULNERABLE. LATER, I LET _____ TO WHATEVER BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORK AND ALL THE YA... EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE MEAN GUYS WHO USE ME, AND I AM MEAN TO NICE GUYS WHO I RESENT FOR NOT BEING CLEVER ENOUGH TO FIGURE ME OUT.

THIS IS WHY I AM SINGLE NOW. THIS IS WHY I NO LONGER HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I AM REBUILDING HONESTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP. I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYTHING OF VALUE BE BLOWN AWAY IN A WHIRLWIND OF MY DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS. I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE CONDITIONS THAT ARE RIPE FOR CREATING SUCH MALSTREOMS ANYMORE.