adoring faces

I COULD NOT DEAL WITH my ex BEING IN ART SCHOOL. I WAS JEALOUS OF ALL THE WOMEN that surrounded him. THEY WERE YOUNGER, THEY WERE TALENTED, THEY WERE IN SCHOOL, THEY SPENT TIME WITH HIM DOING THINGS THAT I DID NOT SHARE WITH HIM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IN COMPARISON I WAS A LOSER. I WAS OLDER AND GAINING WEIGHT. I THOUGHT OF WHAT THOSE WOMEN WOULD BE LIKE WHEN THEY GOT TO BE my age, and those visions were always of women so many times more accomplished and happy than i. They had GREAT CAREERS, were SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, were toting A BABY ON THEIR HIP WHILE THEY WORE COMFORTABLE YOGA PANTS AND SCARVES TO KEEP UP THEIR WAVY, full HAIR. I IMAGINED THEM WITH A CALM, PEACEFUL SMILE ON THEIR LIPS, BECAUSE THEY KNEW THEIR OLDER CHILD WAS AT a socially progressive SCHOOL, THEIR HUSBAND WAS DEVOTED, AND THEIR CAR WAS RUNNING, ROOMY, AND LOOKED GOOD WITH IT'S organic FOOD CO-OP BUMPER STICKERS.

Presently, IN THE MEANTIME, these girls WERE BRIGHT AND WILD-EYED, AND STILL HAD PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE AND VERY LITTLE TRAUMA COMPARED TO ALL THAT I HAD INVITED UPON ON MYSELF WITHIN THESE PAST FEW YEARS. THEY TOOK WHAT TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS THEY HAD ENDURED SO FAR AND FUNNELED IT INTO THEIR CLASSES, PROJECTS, AND THEY ALSO MADE SURE TO INCORPORATE IT INTO THEIR SMOLDERING EYES WHILE LISTENING INTENTLY TO MY BOYFRIEND GO ON ABOUT THE STATE OF HIS WORK, THE STATE OF THE WORLD. THEY OOHED AND AHHED WHILE HE STRUTTED IN FRONT OF THEIR ADORING FACES. HE WOULD PROFESS TO NOT BE INTERESTED in girls that age, AND HE WOULD INSIST GIRLS LIKE THAT HAD NO INTEREST IN HIM, BUT NEITHER WAS FULLY TRUE.

MEANWHILE, AS HE GOT OLDER, THE 20-somethings GOT OLDER, AND SO DID I. AS A GIRL HE KNEW IN HER EARLY 20S ENTERED HER MID TWENTIES, I WAS CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF MY MID THIRTIES AND WAS ABOUT TO ENCROACH UPON MY LATE 30'S. AS OTHER FEMALES AROUND HIM ACQUIRED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE AND THEIR LOOKS MATURED AND BLOSSOMED, MY BRAIN WITHERED AND MY CRAFT'S INTEGRITY LESSENED AND MY CONFIDENCE DISAPPEARED.

I WAS AND AM CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS OF WHAT HE IS DOING AND THINKING WHEN HE IS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE ROOM. I WAS CONVINCED HE STOOD IN SILENT JUDGMENT OF ME WHENEVER I OPENED MY MOUTH OR GOT DRESSED. MY CLOTHES WERE UGLY, MY HOUSE WAS NOT immersed in CREATIVITY, AND MY VEHICLE WAS NON-EXISTENT. HE WAS HAVING TO REMIND WOMEN OF THE FACT THAT HE WAS CURRENTLY INVOLVED AT THE MOMENT, WHILE I WAS WONDERING WHETHER I WOULD EVER FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME EVER AGAIN IF HE WERE TO LEAVE.