what i want and what i need

i am crying here and there. the type of crying has changed from when i was in the midst of my relationship with my ex. now that i really have to come to accept that it is over, i cry differently. i equate it to snow. scientists have dozens of names for the various kinds of ice crystals depending on how they look, how they behave, how they form. the kind of crying i found myself indulging in was not as intense as when i am first in shock and i'm trying to find a way to change what is. now there is a deep sadness in the loss of what was, and i hitching frustration that wells up when i feel totally screwed.

i want him back. oh, so much. i want him to ACT like he is only with me. i do not want him spending time at other women's houses unless they are only truly friends. if they are interested in more, i do not trust him to not lead them on, and i do not trust him to not let a situation escalate to the point where he physically does something with them. of course, there's also MENTAL cheating. i do not want a leash on his brain and his emotions, however if his mind and his emotions are more interested in another woman then his dick will follow.

ok, so why want him back if these are my fears, if this is what i would be concerned with now even though these fears were exactly what drove him away? because i want to be WRONG! i want to know he is true to me if i am his girlfriend. before, he treated me like i was PRIVILEGED to spend time with him. how was i to know if i was more important than any other woman in his life when he was so distant and did not include me in his life at school enough? i want him back, but i want him to show me his love and not be so closed off. i think it's possible for him to do this, but it's not likely. so, we're done, and i'm learning to accept that.

but i want him!!! i think the one and only cure for that is if i KNEW he did consciously lie to me, cheat on me. for instance, i believe he must have thought of other women while fucking me. if he were to confirm that suspicion, and then tell me what a horrible person he was for taking advantage of me and using me for all the kindness and support i showed him for over 2 years, then i could begin to see him in a different light and realize i am better off without him.

instead, my lingering fear is that he loved me, was true to me, made mistakes, learned from them, and if only i were less insecure, he would have stayed with me and his love for me would have grown and grown. i screwed it all up because i pointed out all that was wrong with me over and over trying to get him to assure me that he loved me and liked me more than any other cute, secure, successful, friendly, hot, talented girl he has ever known.