monday was a short day

woke up from a good dream. my ex-boyfriend was with me and all was right. we were with my brother and sister. we were getting things done, working through our day. going places. it was wonderful. the dream was slightly lucid. i remember an uneasy feeling during all the goodness that it wasn't real, but at least it was something good. i went with it. i woke up thinking things may be all right after all.
checked my email right away, because i knew i shouldn't fool myself and my email would probably put me in check. did it ever... more than i hoped for.

the night before, i wrote a long email to my ex's ex-girlfriend. from what he told me, she was insanely jealous, and now i was feeling jealous. i thought we could somehow help one another. i read the email after it was done and decided to send it to my ex instead, hoping he'd understand what i was going through, apologize for hurting me, and possibly come back to me.

his sobering return email told me to cut off all contact with him and anyone else he knows, otherwise he'd get a court order to prevent me from stalking. i panicked. events from years earlier flashed back and they were happening all over again. obsessing over and not letting go of a man who left me. just as i did with the man from my distant past, i googled my most recent ex, his friends, his exes, his jobs... anything! once the other guy left me, i called and emailed incessantly! now that my newer ex and i were apart, would it only get worse?

i didn't want to be that person. i couldn't believe that here i was, doing this to this person i cared for so much, and to make it worse, i had done it before and not even known it! "stalking"... SUCH an ugly word. it makes me think of such a crazy, horrible person. not to mention, i certainly do not want to deal with legal repercussions.

i tried to reach some friends and family to help me calm down, but no one answered. then i did something incredible and out of shear desperations. i called my dad. first time in over 5 years. it had been a long time coming, because i had been feeling awful for having cut him off years earlier. i had been missing him and wishing i could have a relationship with him that wouldn't be toxic. i hoped that with all the time that had passed, he'd be somehow 'better'. i wanted my daddy.

i saw my therapist later that day. i rode my bike there and back and rode it hard. i felt better. not good, but not panicking. not relieved, but at least i didn't feel like a crazy fuck up. earlier, my dad gave me sound advice, which was surprising, because he's such a mess, and then my therapist reassured me that i was obsessed, but not pathological. at least there's that *sigh*.

i am glad i reached my dad. i now have to worry about what the rest of my family will say when they find out... none of them want anything to do with him and they'll disapprove of my contact with him. but none-the-less, he's my dad. i know he's shitty, but he's not without merit. he's my dad. he is one of the most influential people that have been in my life. he loves me like no other man ever could. he is fucked up and won't ever be a fully decent man, but at least he's here. i didn't want him to grow old and die before we had a chance to reconnect.

as far as my ex... i need to have no contact with him, and more importantly, i need to not think about him. i need to accept that i may never know what did and didn't happen while we were together, and i need to accept that he is done with me and i need to make it without him and his comforts.