how much longer?

i've got this crazy idea in my head that my ex misses me and is really sorry and wants things to be smoother between us and for both of us to apologize and that he is lonely and alone and so on and i'm fucking crazy. there is no way his life is even half as pathetic as mine. i am too heavy, i have almost no friends, my family however loving is a lot more lame than his, my looks are not as good as his, his sex life would have to be non existent to mirror mine, and he would need to have slept with only the bottom of the barrel these last few months. i am sure he is sleeping with a woman he loves, and if not that, women that are hot and want him. i have no one but a young boy thousands of miles away that is kinda cute, kinda smart, and really not extraordinary. my exes are all just ok. nothing special. the best thing about any of them is that they wanted to stay with me. none of them are doing anything special with their lives. in fact, most are fucked up and lonely and losers just like me. ____ used me. he never loved me as anything more than just a friend. he knew he would never stay with me. he was getting the most out of the situation he found himself in with me until something better came along. just like when my ex-friend _______ would make plans with me just because she had nothing else to do, but would cancel without hesitation at anything else at all. jesus. i really have been sinking sooooo low this entire time. i mean my whole life. when anyone that seems remotely incredible shows any interest in me, i immediately sabatoge it just to avoid them finding out what i feel to be inevitable... that i am worthless and lame and disgusting. i swear, at times like these, i am glad i have such an aversion to suicide instilled in me thanks to religion. if nothing else, i still have retained that even though my faith in god is gone. my father that never was. shit. shit. shit. i cannot believe that anyone that feels the way that i do right now ever felt better down the road. i wish i could find inspirational stories about woman like me who moved onward and upward, but i know any story however close to what i have in mind will have holes in it.

i miss being in love. i miss that serene feeling in his arms. i miss knowing that he is there, sooner or later. shit, i waited and waited for that prick, so sure that if only i waited long enough, he would be there. be there. i just had to wait. i didn't care how long. as long as he didn't tell me, 'there is someone else' or, 'i am not in love with you now, nor will i ever be', i could wait. funny thing is, both of those things were true, they were happening. he was too much of a coward to tell me, too selfish to let me go when he was so dependent on what i supplied him, and i was too scared to let myself see how i was really being treated. i wanted to live in the fantasy because the truth was too fucking scary. i was fucked no matter what. if he left, if he stayed. him staying only put off the inevitable. i see that now. i didn't want to believe that when he told me the night he broke up with me. i wanted to believe we could work it out. but he had no intention of making the relationship work the way in wanted it to at any point ever ever ever.

i can not stand how much better everyone he knew was than me. the only ones that were not better than me were the ones he fucked before me that still wanted him and he still wanted their attention. i swear, out of the dozens of people who i met through him, only a handful considered me worthy of breath.

i want to be loved. i want to love myself. i want to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, but i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

how much longer is this going to last???????????/

so good, so fucked

i don't know whether or not i'm crazy. this film made me realize there's a good chance i am and always have been. there must be a reason i'm so alone. i'm no good at connecting. i'm off on my own. like the woman in this movie, i haven't done anything in my life that makes me special except how i'm defined by what i mean to my blood relatives. her identity is wrapped entirely in pleasing her husband and children. i do the same. i wouldn't mind just dying sometimes, except then my family would be sad. friends would be over it relatively quickly, but family would suffer due to how they'd see themselves as a result.

god, i hope everything i just said about my family is wrong. part of me knows i'm wrong, but part of me wonders just what if things really are that dismal. ugh. it goes back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. but it's worse than that... i more times than now think i DO know what's up, and that's when i REALLY get in trouble.

i'm so afraid i'll never be in love again. i'm so afraid i'll always pine for ___. i should have never ended up with him. it was all poison. i miss him every moment of everyday it seems. i wonder if i should move away from here afterall. i've stubbornly held out on even considering a change like that, because i'm concerned that it would only be a substitute for making more important, real changes. however, lately i'm wondering if i can feel free enough here in this town with all the reminders of my past nipping at my heels. christ. but shouldn't i face my past, my mistakes? would moving be quitting, escaping? shouldn't i perceiver despite the obstacles? or are these more like road blocks and i need a detour? i'm going to give it til the one year mark of the REAL breakup to give these thoughts any real credence.

anyway, in the meantime, it really sucks feeling like i'm crazy. it is sooooooooooo unbelievably lonely, oh fucking god. oh fucking god, i miss having someone to hold and someone to hold me. someone like ____. i wonder how he's feeling when he's with his new lover(s). does he love them more or less than he did me? it seems like the answer should be clear. it seems like he loves them more, otherwise, why leave me... but maybe my bad didn't outweigh my good, but my good is still stellar compared to their's? what i mean is, moments with me may be better than those with other woman since me, but overall, other woman are better than me because A)they have more in common and B) they aren't as fucking nuts and stupid as me. i don't know if anyone worth a damn will ever see enough good in me to help me with my faults, to stay in love with me despite them. i hate who i am, and although i keep trying to find ways to change that, a little everyday, there's the possibility THIS IS IT.

BLACKING OUT

OMG. I HATE BLACKING OUT. HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. BEEN A FUCKED UP WEEK THOUGH. OH JESUS. I GOT SO FUCKING DRUNK TWICE. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO SEE SHOWS. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WAS ALONE AND DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE ANCHORING ME. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WASN'T ANCHORING MYSELF. FUCK. I MISS ______. HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO HAVE HIM ON MY ARM (OR ME ON HIS. WHATEVER). MAYBE I'D FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'D BE WORRIED AND NOT FEEL SAFE. MAYBE IF I FELT SAFE IT WOULD BE FALSE, AND THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE FUCKED THAN I AM NOW. ARGH. DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS ALL OLD, BORING BULLSHIT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I'M ALONE, THAT THIS PERSON LEFT, OR THAT PERSON SUCKS, OR ANY OF THAT. I DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK (GOING TO THE GYM). I DON'T LIKE HOW BROKE I AM (TRYING TO PAY OFF CCS). I DON'T LIKE HOW DRUNK I GET (HANGING OUT WITH BETTER PEOPLE). I DON'T LIKE HOW LAME MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE... WAIT A SECOND. THEY'RE NOT TOO LAME. IF I FEEL OK, THEN I SEE THEM AS BEING OK. ARGH.

I HATE THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE. SO EMBARRESSING. I HATE THAT I DON'T REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE END OF THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. INSTEAD I'M JUST GLAD I DIDN'T LOSE MY WALLET OR JACKET. JESUS. FUCKING CHRIST. AND MY HEAD HURTS. AND I CAN'T GET MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH ORDERS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ON TIME. I CAN'T GET INSPIRED ENOUGH TO DELVE INTO ALL THE RICHES AT MY DISPOSALE. I NEED TO FIX UP MY PLACE SO I LOVE BEING THERE. JESUS, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TIME WHEN I'M ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED. ALWAYS SO FUCKING LONELY. ALWAYS SO SELF FUCKING CONSCIENCE.

I MISS ______. HE'S SO TALL, I CAN'T WAIT TO LAY IN THE SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TORSO, WHILE HE LAYS HIS ARM AROUND ME. I CAN BURROW AND SNUGGLE, AND HE'LL LAY THERE SO STILL AND SOMEWHAT STIFF, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, BUT PATIENT AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH IN HIMSELF THAT HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, I KNOW IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD, I'LL BE SO RELIEVED. I'LL BREATHE EASIER, AND I CAN HIDE FROM ALL THE REST OF THE BULLSHIT FOR AT LEAST A LITTLE WHILE. OH, I JUST HOPE THAT DAY DOES COME. I MAY BE MONTHS AND MONTHS. AND BY THEN, WILL IT ALL HAVE CHANGED? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS EVERYDAY LIFE TOO CLEARLY. I DON'T WANT HIM SEEING MINE. I NEED THIS. I NEED COMFORT. I NEED SIMPLICITY. FUCK. ARGH.

he is not mine

____ does not belong to me. when i saw that woman flirting with him last week, i got really mad, just as much as when he was my boyfriend. i have zero claim to him now, yet i FELT like i did.

that's what bothering me so much about finding that ad yesterday... the person who posted it was wanting what i feel to be MINE. but it ISN'T! i have to let go. i have to let go. i have to let go. i spent so long holding onto him and swatting away woman after woman to keep my hold over him as safe as i could. then i got angry that he wasn't helping me keep my hold safe. i then swatted with venenge and anger and spite. i felt my hold on him slipping, so i became more desparate. i lived day in and day out knowing my hold was all but gone, and here were the swarms desending on us, tearing him away while the whole time my clinging was only pushing instead. then he was gone, and my spite has remained. i need to let it go. i am alone except for that spite. better to be alone without that than with. it serves no purpose. i have no control over the swarms now even if i ever did then. there is absolutely no way for me to keep him away from all of them. nothing that will convince him to decide to stay away from them and either remain alone or long for me. nothing.

oh yeah, and there's this...

i should mention: i did well in school because i had something to prove to ______. i imagined showing him i did an amazing job despite him not supporting me or believing in me. then: i did well when i decided to throw my self into the lifestyle ______ introduced me once he left. i imagined his reaction to witnessing my creations, and made things with his opinions in mind. i wanted to show him i could be what he wanted now that it was impossible that we would ever be together again. now: i will keep in mind the discrimination and self-righteousness ____ displayed throughout my time with him, and i will mix that with what i know about him to be correct as far as his knowledge, taste, and education. i will surpass all that he has ever expected from me, and i will do so knowing that it is impossible that he and i could ever have an intimate moment alone ever again.

i know what i need to do!

just like when ______ left me in 1997... i embarked on creating a certain type of art then, and have since become one of the best out there. i have since reached a height within that realm that i aspired to, and have since reached as high as he was in that scene if not surpassed it. that man introduced me to a world that was my salvation. it was just the fit i needed. i slipped in smoothly and all the time it took was nothing because the process was of as much interest to me as the goals i meant to reach.

now is time for my new life. before _____ i was part of a criminal, dangerous, thrilling, clandestine, dishonest lifestyle that would have killed me if i had not escaped and retreated. now i find myself in the same place. i will die if i do not find a way to suceed soon. i think i just may have just now. i considered continuing with school as a way to succeed, but something was gnawing at me... now i know why. school is a necessary means that can be enjoyable, but it is not the ends. i know what the end is: a QUILT. and all the quilts that will become before and after.

there will be a quilt, possibly even more than one, that will embody all the beauty i am searching for. i will reveal it, possess it... i will discover it and show it to the world, like it is king kong displayed and embrazened in the heart of the city fresh from the wild jungle. it will be a storm of wind and fire, sure to cinge the tips of each spectators perceptions of all they are ever to face after that moment the quilt hits them. all the wildness will be mine, until it begins to fade. and then i will possess something different, something more than i did before that day, and with that will continue to create beauty and destroy subjugation.

and this will be the realm for which i suffered with ____ for so long. i need to remember why i wanted him at first... ALL the reasons, not just the reasons why i needed him to stay in the end. i need to remember the reasons i wanted him in the beginning: it was because he was a craftsman, an artist, a student. it was because i wanted in to the world he was a part of. i wanted introduction and initiation through him. i spent moments aware that if nothing else, i wanted to use him for this purpose. i need to remember all that i learned as a result of knowing him. all the places we went, discussions we had, people we met, and lovely pictures and objects we saw... and how they improved my stance each time. how they fueled my ambition and inspiration. i need to strip away all the dust, residue, and grime that was splattered across and over the arsenal i was stowing away for another day. like a treasure chest left in a remote desert that is slowing being covered with blowing sand and in danger of disappearing from sight, i need to retrieve my treasure.

bigger

I need to do something bigger. or just more of the same. i don't know. i know that things are not as i want them. i should have a better position in all things. i cannot keep surviving. it is sure to fail.

i need more comfort, more solace. i am burdened by everlasting turmoil and concern. always, constantly feeling like the water is up to my chin, past my neck... and it's rising. i always feel like that.

recently, there were times, moments when all was well. i was in a car. yes. that is what i need: a car. it is so impossible right now. luckily, i belong to a gym. i have a therapist. i'm trying to hold on to 2 therapists, but that is feeling like more of a burden than not right now. i have family. i have a job. i have a house.

what i would like to see gone is the cat that is at my house. i am tempted to rid it from there, but my roommate would be sad. i don't want to cause that kind of pain. i wish my cat were still around. or, i wish i knew what happened to him. i never will. the closest i can come is to construct a probable story, and believe in that. it sometimes helps to reduce or alieve the pain of the guilt and the longing, sometimes it doesn't.

i have someone i'm involved with. it could end at anytime, and there would be almost nothing i could do to stop that if it were his doing. i know that sounds self-evident, but to me it's a sort of a revelation.

just now, i caught myself thinking about my ex's view of me, or rather my perception of his view of me. i was holding his view of all things as being of extreme value compared to all that i know. this has to change. i think the way i can go about changing this is to remind myself over and over his view is one of many. it is not without value, however, there are others that are of more value. the more i learn about this world will lead to the sort of experiences and encounters that will show me these valuable perceptions.

i miss so many things that are now gone from my life since i am no longer in school. returning to school is up there with a car: impossible right now. possible later.

all i can do right now is: 1) go to the gym often. 2) stay in touch with ______ knowing that things could change for either of us in an instant. 3) clean and improve my house. 4) stay on top of my bills until i can start to demolish them. 5) keep myself open to new experiences and new people that will add to my life. 6) show up for work and do my job well. 7) avoid those persons, places, and things that cause me to only suffer in the long run.

hung up

WOW. NOW I'M ALL HUNG UP. YET AGAIN. JESUS. I MUST BE THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT. DOESN'T MATTER. I AM JUST FEELING MORE NUMB THAN ANYTHING. I JUST HOPE I CAN NOT FEEL DEPRESSED. FUCK TRYING FOR HAPPY. I JUST CRASH. NO... I'LL JUST HOLD ON UNTIL SOMETHING BIG CHANGES. IF IT TAKES A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS UNTIL I SEE A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT, THAT WORKS. NOT LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE. JUST WANT SOME PEACE FOR NOW. YEAH. DONE WITH LAME BULLSHIT. DONE WITH REGRESSING... WAIT. THAT'S A LIE. I AM NEVER DONE WITH BULLSHIT. I CREATE IT WHENEVER I CAN. NO MATTER. I KNEW THIS WAS NO GOOD. NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED AND NEEDY AT THE SAME TIME. FORMULA FOR CLINGY AND ANNOYING. JESUS. DONE I GUESS. DONE. DONE. DONE.