bigger

I need to do something bigger. or just more of the same. i don't know. i know that things are not as i want them. i should have a better position in all things. i cannot keep surviving. it is sure to fail.

i need more comfort, more solace. i am burdened by everlasting turmoil and concern. always, constantly feeling like the water is up to my chin, past my neck... and it's rising. i always feel like that.

recently, there were times, moments when all was well. i was in a car. yes. that is what i need: a car. it is so impossible right now. luckily, i belong to a gym. i have a therapist. i'm trying to hold on to 2 therapists, but that is feeling like more of a burden than not right now. i have family. i have a job. i have a house.

what i would like to see gone is the cat that is at my house. i am tempted to rid it from there, but my roommate would be sad. i don't want to cause that kind of pain. i wish my cat were still around. or, i wish i knew what happened to him. i never will. the closest i can come is to construct a probable story, and believe in that. it sometimes helps to reduce or alieve the pain of the guilt and the longing, sometimes it doesn't.

i have someone i'm involved with. it could end at anytime, and there would be almost nothing i could do to stop that if it were his doing. i know that sounds self-evident, but to me it's a sort of a revelation.

just now, i caught myself thinking about my ex's view of me, or rather my perception of his view of me. i was holding his view of all things as being of extreme value compared to all that i know. this has to change. i think the way i can go about changing this is to remind myself over and over his view is one of many. it is not without value, however, there are others that are of more value. the more i learn about this world will lead to the sort of experiences and encounters that will show me these valuable perceptions.

i miss so many things that are now gone from my life since i am no longer in school. returning to school is up there with a car: impossible right now. possible later.

all i can do right now is: 1) go to the gym often. 2) stay in touch with ______ knowing that things could change for either of us in an instant. 3) clean and improve my house. 4) stay on top of my bills until i can start to demolish them. 5) keep myself open to new experiences and new people that will add to my life. 6) show up for work and do my job well. 7) avoid those persons, places, and things that cause me to only suffer in the long run.