i know what i need to do!

just like when ______ left me in 1997... i embarked on creating a certain type of art then, and have since become one of the best out there. i have since reached a height within that realm that i aspired to, and have since reached as high as he was in that scene if not surpassed it. that man introduced me to a world that was my salvation. it was just the fit i needed. i slipped in smoothly and all the time it took was nothing because the process was of as much interest to me as the goals i meant to reach.

now is time for my new life. before _____ i was part of a criminal, dangerous, thrilling, clandestine, dishonest lifestyle that would have killed me if i had not escaped and retreated. now i find myself in the same place. i will die if i do not find a way to suceed soon. i think i just may have just now. i considered continuing with school as a way to succeed, but something was gnawing at me... now i know why. school is a necessary means that can be enjoyable, but it is not the ends. i know what the end is: a QUILT. and all the quilts that will become before and after.

there will be a quilt, possibly even more than one, that will embody all the beauty i am searching for. i will reveal it, possess it... i will discover it and show it to the world, like it is king kong displayed and embrazened in the heart of the city fresh from the wild jungle. it will be a storm of wind and fire, sure to cinge the tips of each spectators perceptions of all they are ever to face after that moment the quilt hits them. all the wildness will be mine, until it begins to fade. and then i will possess something different, something more than i did before that day, and with that will continue to create beauty and destroy subjugation.

and this will be the realm for which i suffered with ____ for so long. i need to remember why i wanted him at first... ALL the reasons, not just the reasons why i needed him to stay in the end. i need to remember the reasons i wanted him in the beginning: it was because he was a craftsman, an artist, a student. it was because i wanted in to the world he was a part of. i wanted introduction and initiation through him. i spent moments aware that if nothing else, i wanted to use him for this purpose. i need to remember all that i learned as a result of knowing him. all the places we went, discussions we had, people we met, and lovely pictures and objects we saw... and how they improved my stance each time. how they fueled my ambition and inspiration. i need to strip away all the dust, residue, and grime that was splattered across and over the arsenal i was stowing away for another day. like a treasure chest left in a remote desert that is slowing being covered with blowing sand and in danger of disappearing from sight, i need to retrieve my treasure.