BLACKING OUT

OMG. I HATE BLACKING OUT. HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. BEEN A FUCKED UP WEEK THOUGH. OH JESUS. I GOT SO FUCKING DRUNK TWICE. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO SEE SHOWS. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WAS ALONE AND DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE ANCHORING ME. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WASN'T ANCHORING MYSELF. FUCK. I MISS ______. HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO HAVE HIM ON MY ARM (OR ME ON HIS. WHATEVER). MAYBE I'D FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'D BE WORRIED AND NOT FEEL SAFE. MAYBE IF I FELT SAFE IT WOULD BE FALSE, AND THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE FUCKED THAN I AM NOW. ARGH. DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS ALL OLD, BORING BULLSHIT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I'M ALONE, THAT THIS PERSON LEFT, OR THAT PERSON SUCKS, OR ANY OF THAT. I DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK (GOING TO THE GYM). I DON'T LIKE HOW BROKE I AM (TRYING TO PAY OFF CCS). I DON'T LIKE HOW DRUNK I GET (HANGING OUT WITH BETTER PEOPLE). I DON'T LIKE HOW LAME MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE... WAIT A SECOND. THEY'RE NOT TOO LAME. IF I FEEL OK, THEN I SEE THEM AS BEING OK. ARGH.

I HATE THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE. SO EMBARRESSING. I HATE THAT I DON'T REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE END OF THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. INSTEAD I'M JUST GLAD I DIDN'T LOSE MY WALLET OR JACKET. JESUS. FUCKING CHRIST. AND MY HEAD HURTS. AND I CAN'T GET MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH ORDERS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ON TIME. I CAN'T GET INSPIRED ENOUGH TO DELVE INTO ALL THE RICHES AT MY DISPOSALE. I NEED TO FIX UP MY PLACE SO I LOVE BEING THERE. JESUS, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TIME WHEN I'M ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED. ALWAYS SO FUCKING LONELY. ALWAYS SO SELF FUCKING CONSCIENCE.

I MISS ______. HE'S SO TALL, I CAN'T WAIT TO LAY IN THE SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TORSO, WHILE HE LAYS HIS ARM AROUND ME. I CAN BURROW AND SNUGGLE, AND HE'LL LAY THERE SO STILL AND SOMEWHAT STIFF, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, BUT PATIENT AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH IN HIMSELF THAT HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, I KNOW IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD, I'LL BE SO RELIEVED. I'LL BREATHE EASIER, AND I CAN HIDE FROM ALL THE REST OF THE BULLSHIT FOR AT LEAST A LITTLE WHILE. OH, I JUST HOPE THAT DAY DOES COME. I MAY BE MONTHS AND MONTHS. AND BY THEN, WILL IT ALL HAVE CHANGED? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS EVERYDAY LIFE TOO CLEARLY. I DON'T WANT HIM SEEING MINE. I NEED THIS. I NEED COMFORT. I NEED SIMPLICITY. FUCK. ARGH.