so good, so fucked

i don't know whether or not i'm crazy. this film made me realize there's a good chance i am and always have been. there must be a reason i'm so alone. i'm no good at connecting. i'm off on my own. like the woman in this movie, i haven't done anything in my life that makes me special except how i'm defined by what i mean to my blood relatives. her identity is wrapped entirely in pleasing her husband and children. i do the same. i wouldn't mind just dying sometimes, except then my family would be sad. friends would be over it relatively quickly, but family would suffer due to how they'd see themselves as a result.

god, i hope everything i just said about my family is wrong. part of me knows i'm wrong, but part of me wonders just what if things really are that dismal. ugh. it goes back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. but it's worse than that... i more times than now think i DO know what's up, and that's when i REALLY get in trouble.

i'm so afraid i'll never be in love again. i'm so afraid i'll always pine for ___. i should have never ended up with him. it was all poison. i miss him every moment of everyday it seems. i wonder if i should move away from here afterall. i've stubbornly held out on even considering a change like that, because i'm concerned that it would only be a substitute for making more important, real changes. however, lately i'm wondering if i can feel free enough here in this town with all the reminders of my past nipping at my heels. christ. but shouldn't i face my past, my mistakes? would moving be quitting, escaping? shouldn't i perceiver despite the obstacles? or are these more like road blocks and i need a detour? i'm going to give it til the one year mark of the REAL breakup to give these thoughts any real credence.

anyway, in the meantime, it really sucks feeling like i'm crazy. it is sooooooooooo unbelievably lonely, oh fucking god. oh fucking god, i miss having someone to hold and someone to hold me. someone like ____. i wonder how he's feeling when he's with his new lover(s). does he love them more or less than he did me? it seems like the answer should be clear. it seems like he loves them more, otherwise, why leave me... but maybe my bad didn't outweigh my good, but my good is still stellar compared to their's? what i mean is, moments with me may be better than those with other woman since me, but overall, other woman are better than me because A)they have more in common and B) they aren't as fucking nuts and stupid as me. i don't know if anyone worth a damn will ever see enough good in me to help me with my faults, to stay in love with me despite them. i hate who i am, and although i keep trying to find ways to change that, a little everyday, there's the possibility THIS IS IT.