Thursday, June 18, 2009

home-wreckers

i am freaked out whenever i see that bitch that is being hailed as most admired, feminist icon... she stole a man from another woman. at least, that's how it seems to me. i know that the man choose her. what i'm upset about is this... plain and simple jealousy. the man that leaves one woman for another is only doing what is best for him, which is what anyone should do. if there is lying involved, that is a separate matter. if the man was honest the whole time, then it's ok. if he lied and left the person he lied to hurt and alone, and is now happy with someone he likes better, god how that hurts!!! why does he deserve that? unless of course there is something the original woman did to deserve such hurt. does kidding and fooling one's self count? probably.


when _______ cheated on me and lied to me there were enough factors before hand that i should have dealt with. if i had, i would have averted certain disaster:


he wasn't answering my calls. he wasn't acting like he liked me. he wasn't into having sex with me. these were all behaviors that cropped up all of a sudden, totally different than before that trip where he met her. i asked him about it and he told me 'he was tired'. i shouldn't have believed him. when the day of the show came up and he didn't answer his phone, i should have prepared myself for finding out some horrible truth. i could have handled it differently. it all goes back to not having gotten reliant on him for emotional support. he was 9 years younger than me and all we did was get high and drunk. he was not someone i was interested in the first few months of dating, yet i settled on him later on because my real interest had moved away. i should have remained single and open to dating other people.


when i met ____ he put up dozens of warning flags, and i ignored them all, thinking i could change his mind. i was so afraid that if i did anything other than coddle him, he's disappear. that was true, but what i should have been more concerned with was that if i started out coddling him, he would always come to expect it and that he would take more and more advantage of me over time. i was wrong to think he would appreciate my generosity. instead he resented me for luring him into feelings of obligation. when i broke up with him after i realized he was carrying on with that cunt, i should have remained away. instead, i was already too deep after putting up with a dozen times prior over that first year when it was obvious he was lying about his feelings for other women. i allowed a disgusting excuse for an adult man into my realm and relied on him for feelings of trust, safety, and belonging. non of that would have happened if i hadn't allowed that other fucker _______ from convincing me to adore him through sheer persistence rather than attraction and admiration.


now here i am finally ready to begin dating again. i am sooooooo weary, so cautious. i cannot stand hurting or being hurt. i cannot stand the bullshit, the selfishness, the illusions. i cannot stand having to see my worst image reflected in those who need to feel better about themselves via using others. i cannot sleep at night if i become one of those people.

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