when _______ cheated on me and lied to me there were enough factors before hand that i should have dealt with. if i had, i would have averted certain disaster:
he wasn't answering my calls. he wasn't acting like he liked me. he wasn't into having sex with me. these were all behaviors that cropped up all of a sudden, totally different than before that trip where he met her. i asked him about it and he told me 'he was tired'. i shouldn't have believed him. when the day of the show came up and he didn't answer his phone, i should have prepared myself for finding out some horrible truth. i could have handled it differently. it all goes back to not having gotten reliant on him for emotional support. he was 9 years younger than me and all we did was get high and drunk. he was not someone i was interested in the first few months of dating, yet i settled on him later on because my real interest had moved away. i should have remained single and open to dating other people.
when i met ____ he put up dozens of warning flags, and i ignored them all, thinking i could change his mind. i was so afraid that if i did anything other than coddle him, he's disappear. that was true, but what i should have been more concerned with was that if i started out coddling him, he would always come to expect it and that he would take more and more advantage of me over time. i was wrong to think he would appreciate my generosity. instead he resented me for luring him into feelings of obligation. when i broke up with him after i realized he was carrying on with that cunt, i should have remained away. instead, i was already too deep after putting up with a dozen times prior over that first year when it was obvious he was lying about his feelings for other women. i allowed a disgusting excuse for an adult man into my realm and relied on him for feelings of trust, safety, and belonging. non of that would have happened if i hadn't allowed that other fucker _______ from convincing me to adore him through sheer persistence rather than attraction and admiration.
now here i am finally ready to begin dating again. i am sooooooo weary, so cautious. i cannot stand hurting or being hurt. i cannot stand the bullshit, the selfishness, the illusions. i cannot stand having to see my worst image reflected in those who need to feel better about themselves via using others. i cannot sleep at night if i become one of those people.
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