resources

I CAN'T STOP THINKING THAT AT EVERY MOMENT, I AM BEING ABANDONED. WHEN I DON'T HEAR FROM A FRIEND, I ASSUME THEY ARE DONE WITH ME. EVEN MORE SO WHEN IT COMES TO A GUY. I COULD HAVE SPENT A GREAT DAY AND NIGHT WITH A GUY, HAVING A LOT OF FUN, AND HE HAVING FUN TOO. THEN I THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE CROSSED HIS MIND SINCE THEN AND ALL THE REASONS WHY HE WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN. THEN I WONDER HOW I WILL EVER HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL BE DEPENDABLE AND LASTING, OR IF I AM DUE TO GO FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER, ONE MAN TO ANOTHER, UNTIL I GET OLDER AND LESS AND LESS OF VALUE TO OTHERS, UNTIL I AM ALL ALONE AND POOR AND HOPELESS, AND TOO COWARDLY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. AND I THINK, IF I'M DOOMED TO END UP LIKE THAT ONE DAY, WHY AM I EVEN HERE NOW? ANY ENJOYMENT I EXPERIENCE IS FLEETING AND IF ANYTHING, JUST MAGNIFYING IT'S LOSS ONCE IT IS GONE. IT MAKES ME WISH I WAS ALL RIGHT WITH JUST READING AND SEWING, READING AND SEWING... BUT I'M NOT. IF GOTTEN A TASTE FOR HUMANS. I'VE TASTED THEM AND NOW I'M HOOKED ON THAT CRAVING FOR THEIR COMPANIONSHIP, FOR THEIR MIRRORS AND THEIR TREATS. FOR THE RUSH OF BEING LIKE, WANTED, ADMIRED. I WISH I DIDN'T WANT IT. I WISH I WASN'T SO WEAK TO HAVE GIVEN INTO NEEDING PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE ALONE, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WITHIN.