looking at the walls

i am so lonely. i want to talk with someone, and not have it be an old, worn out conversation i have had with so many before. i miss the man i love. i could have gone on a day trip with him, but i knew that i would feel worse afterwards because my desire for him would grow, yet he would stay firm in his decision to not be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

i like to think he misses me and loves me. i really try not to hope that he will come back one day, otherwise i'll wait forever and ever. i'll never enjoy my life, i'll be living in pergutory, and i will start to do crazy things like showing up at his house to try to get some feeling of accomplishment.

i'm boring myself. i am so tired of explaining over and over how much i miss him, how much i want him, how sad i am he won't have me. i really really want him here with me. i want him to lay in my bed. i lay in bed and imagine his footsteps coming up the stairs and then there's a knock at my door, and it's him! it is so sad when i open my eyes and i see nothing but my furniture and the walls.

goodbye

i couldn't go on that day trip with you even though i have been wanting to go away with you for so long. it could have been a great bonding experience for us. if there was a slight chance that you would want me to be your girlfriend again, spending the day driving for hours, walking around in a big exciting city, eating in a new restaurant, and finishing the evening with your absolute favorite musician and sitting with you as you cried like a baby would have helped.

i couldn't chance that you didn't want me back. i couldn't knowingly subject myself to being your friend only. as much as i want to be supportive and understanding of you, and as much as it hurts me when i think that you may have needed me and instead of being with you, i refused to go, it is worse to consider my own hurt when i hoped and hoped and hoped you would take me in your arms and kiss me violently, professing your undying desire to be with me no matter what. seeing you, hearing your voice... these things give me false hope. you don't want me as more than a friend. wait... that's not true, you want more than friendship from me, you just don't want to owe me anything more than what's entailed in a simple friendship. you don't love me enough to make me a priority in your life. you don't see it as possible that you could do right by me as a the kind of boyfriend i need you to be and also devote yourself to your art and your work at the same time.

if you're right about that, then it's only fair that you leave me alone. seeing you makes me want you more and more. even though i don't trust you to not see other women and to always tell me the truth, i still want you. i need to get used to you out of my life entirely, because any contact with you adds salt to my wounds.

argh

yay... my teeth look and feel better than they have in quite a long time. it makes a big difference having something go well, rather than having to deal with yet another frustration.
i got a good amount of work done this past weekend. i need to get up to a faster rate of accomplishment, but i have definitely improved from the past couple of months.
as far as my feeling for my ex... i am slowly but surely finding new perspectives. on the one hand, i don't want to let go of the feelings i have had for him for so long, because i think it is possible for us to remain together and be happy in the future. on the other hand, if in fact he really isn't fully in love with me and moves on to another fucking bitch-ass cunt, then i'll be glad to remember all the fucked up shit he's pulled on me for far too fucking long. argh.

what i want and what i need

i am crying here and there. the type of crying has changed from when i was in the midst of my relationship with my ex. now that i really have to come to accept that it is over, i cry differently. i equate it to snow. scientists have dozens of names for the various kinds of ice crystals depending on how they look, how they behave, how they form. the kind of crying i found myself indulging in was not as intense as when i am first in shock and i'm trying to find a way to change what is. now there is a deep sadness in the loss of what was, and i hitching frustration that wells up when i feel totally screwed.

i want him back. oh, so much. i want him to ACT like he is only with me. i do not want him spending time at other women's houses unless they are only truly friends. if they are interested in more, i do not trust him to not lead them on, and i do not trust him to not let a situation escalate to the point where he physically does something with them. of course, there's also MENTAL cheating. i do not want a leash on his brain and his emotions, however if his mind and his emotions are more interested in another woman then his dick will follow.

ok, so why want him back if these are my fears, if this is what i would be concerned with now even though these fears were exactly what drove him away? because i want to be WRONG! i want to know he is true to me if i am his girlfriend. before, he treated me like i was PRIVILEGED to spend time with him. how was i to know if i was more important than any other woman in his life when he was so distant and did not include me in his life at school enough? i want him back, but i want him to show me his love and not be so closed off. i think it's possible for him to do this, but it's not likely. so, we're done, and i'm learning to accept that.

but i want him!!! i think the one and only cure for that is if i KNEW he did consciously lie to me, cheat on me. for instance, i believe he must have thought of other women while fucking me. if he were to confirm that suspicion, and then tell me what a horrible person he was for taking advantage of me and using me for all the kindness and support i showed him for over 2 years, then i could begin to see him in a different light and realize i am better off without him.

instead, my lingering fear is that he loved me, was true to me, made mistakes, learned from them, and if only i were less insecure, he would have stayed with me and his love for me would have grown and grown. i screwed it all up because i pointed out all that was wrong with me over and over trying to get him to assure me that he loved me and liked me more than any other cute, secure, successful, friendly, hot, talented girl he has ever known.

i saw you

last night i had a feeling i would see you. i went downtown to check out a book signing and to meet up with a friend for some karaoke. whenever i'm down there, i hope i catch you while you're waiting for your bus transfer on the way home. this time was no different, but maybe it should have been. when i called your name, you practically jumped, you were so on edge. when i came up to you to talk you practically recoiled. then i saw the severe sadness in your eyes. did i do that? or did you do it to yourself? either way, i don't think it helped my case any to walk up on you like that, especially since i had a friend in tow, and you were buried in your book.

i am having trouble remembering what it was like to feel at ease with you. i'm betting that you have no memory of what the good times were like. you're only focusing on the bad times. what i would do to be able to hold you in my arms and encircle you with pure comfort, safety, and trust. what i would do to be someone who could make you feel loved instead of being someone you feared.

you on the other hand can only leave me alone, because all you can see is a hellish road up ahead. better to turn off at this exit instead of waiting to see if it gets better. you've already passed too many chances to turn off this highway and had to deal with the rough conditions. you don't want to end up in a ditch, flipped and burned.

adoring faces

I COULD NOT DEAL WITH my ex BEING IN ART SCHOOL. I WAS JEALOUS OF ALL THE WOMEN that surrounded him. THEY WERE YOUNGER, THEY WERE TALENTED, THEY WERE IN SCHOOL, THEY SPENT TIME WITH HIM DOING THINGS THAT I DID NOT SHARE WITH HIM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IN COMPARISON I WAS A LOSER. I WAS OLDER AND GAINING WEIGHT. I THOUGHT OF WHAT THOSE WOMEN WOULD BE LIKE WHEN THEY GOT TO BE my age, and those visions were always of women so many times more accomplished and happy than i. They had GREAT CAREERS, were SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, were toting A BABY ON THEIR HIP WHILE THEY WORE COMFORTABLE YOGA PANTS AND SCARVES TO KEEP UP THEIR WAVY, full HAIR. I IMAGINED THEM WITH A CALM, PEACEFUL SMILE ON THEIR LIPS, BECAUSE THEY KNEW THEIR OLDER CHILD WAS AT a socially progressive SCHOOL, THEIR HUSBAND WAS DEVOTED, AND THEIR CAR WAS RUNNING, ROOMY, AND LOOKED GOOD WITH IT'S organic FOOD CO-OP BUMPER STICKERS.

Presently, IN THE MEANTIME, these girls WERE BRIGHT AND WILD-EYED, AND STILL HAD PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE AND VERY LITTLE TRAUMA COMPARED TO ALL THAT I HAD INVITED UPON ON MYSELF WITHIN THESE PAST FEW YEARS. THEY TOOK WHAT TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS THEY HAD ENDURED SO FAR AND FUNNELED IT INTO THEIR CLASSES, PROJECTS, AND THEY ALSO MADE SURE TO INCORPORATE IT INTO THEIR SMOLDERING EYES WHILE LISTENING INTENTLY TO MY BOYFRIEND GO ON ABOUT THE STATE OF HIS WORK, THE STATE OF THE WORLD. THEY OOHED AND AHHED WHILE HE STRUTTED IN FRONT OF THEIR ADORING FACES. HE WOULD PROFESS TO NOT BE INTERESTED in girls that age, AND HE WOULD INSIST GIRLS LIKE THAT HAD NO INTEREST IN HIM, BUT NEITHER WAS FULLY TRUE.

MEANWHILE, AS HE GOT OLDER, THE 20-somethings GOT OLDER, AND SO DID I. AS A GIRL HE KNEW IN HER EARLY 20S ENTERED HER MID TWENTIES, I WAS CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF MY MID THIRTIES AND WAS ABOUT TO ENCROACH UPON MY LATE 30'S. AS OTHER FEMALES AROUND HIM ACQUIRED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE AND THEIR LOOKS MATURED AND BLOSSOMED, MY BRAIN WITHERED AND MY CRAFT'S INTEGRITY LESSENED AND MY CONFIDENCE DISAPPEARED.

I WAS AND AM CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS OF WHAT HE IS DOING AND THINKING WHEN HE IS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE ROOM. I WAS CONVINCED HE STOOD IN SILENT JUDGMENT OF ME WHENEVER I OPENED MY MOUTH OR GOT DRESSED. MY CLOTHES WERE UGLY, MY HOUSE WAS NOT immersed in CREATIVITY, AND MY VEHICLE WAS NON-EXISTENT. HE WAS HAVING TO REMIND WOMEN OF THE FACT THAT HE WAS CURRENTLY INVOLVED AT THE MOMENT, WHILE I WAS WONDERING WHETHER I WOULD EVER FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME EVER AGAIN IF HE WERE TO LEAVE.

stomach is full of burning acid

ok, so forget the butterflies, i have a hornets' nest in my stomach. just when i start feeling like i have a handle on how i'm dealing with the uncertainty surrounding my ex's fidelity, i crumble apart unexpectantly and have so little to put myself back together with.

how horrific to think of all that has disappeared... all the sweet times he and i stared into one another's eyes, all the times we wound our bodies up so tightly together and fell asleep like that. we couldn't have had a stronger grasp, our fingers and palms pressing and pushing to the same physical limits as our torsos and intertwined legs. all the light kisses i'd touch his forehead with over and over, and the way he'd stroke my cheek with his fingertips while he thought of how wonderful i was in that moment... gone.

in it's wake is doubt and uncertainty magnified a hundred times. in the attempt to keep calm, i try to remind myself that i don't KNOW that he has been cheating on me or that he DID break up with me because he was seeing someone else or that he HAS gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. i try to remind myself that it is entirely possible he is alone except for the people he sees while at school and the times he spends with his roommates. but then an image of his legs and arms and dick and mouth and hands all over another woman in the same bed that i was sleeping soundly in only recently pops into my poisoned mind. and then i can't breathe. then i cry. doesn't matter where i am. i can be speaking with my boss, in the middle of a sentence, and suddenly my skin flushes red and my voice hitches, i falter and as quickly as possible leave the room to cry in a lonely, sterile stall with only the toilet to hear my muffled sobs.

running on empty

oh, the panic. just when i start feeling somewhat less sad, just when the misery doesn't weigh on me like a wet sand bag on my head, it's then i realize there is nothing there at all. no weight. nothing attached to me, nothing keeping me grounded.
the only reason i'm still on the ground has nothing to do with gravity. it is because my toes are clenched so tight after digging through the dirt to the thin roots running under the weeds so i don't fly out into the upper atmosphere and disintegrate. oh god, is it scary!

at least the sadness was something tangible i could grab on to, something to care about, something to think about. now i have a gaping space of nothing but air. there is no man in my life to make me happy or sad. there is no joy or suffering derived from my job. i have no friends that i look forward to seeing, i have no hope for anything other than getting through the next few hours without crying in public, and then hoping i'll feel alive enough when i get home so i can get done the chores i need to to stop myself from sinking further into a life of nothing.

what i mean is; there are goals i can see ahead. they are small, and they are distant. for instance, paying off a few ccs: a few hundred here, a thousand there. finishing off these smaller goals can help me build the groundwork for larger goals, like buying a car, traveling... but it's only recently that i started working on the 'long-term' after years of regression and following the 'short-term'. when all i can feel is empty meaningless drivel, my brain has the hardest time reminding me that there is something ahead and to keep pushing.

ironically, having lost the main focus in my life recently has forced me to find other focus points. losing my boyfriend has thrown me out of a warm cozy house with a fire-place and down comforters into a blizzard in the middle of the high-plains with the wind ripping through my skin and the piercing snow hitting the ground like daggers as far as you can see. all i want to do is get back into that warm house. i can see the flames flicker and lick the brick encircling and containing it, harnessing it for the man sitting in front comfortably waiting for the next woman he invites to sit by his side. i know there is no point in banging on the door or throwing myself against the window. he knew what it was like outside when he picked me up, opened the door, and tossed me through it, the whole time saying, 'it's not you, it's me.'

as i stand there shivering and my teeth chattering, i notice the steamroller parked a few yards from the house. the steam from the engine is still coming off the steel even though the ignition has been turned off. if i had stayed in that house much longer, the wheels would have been turning, and the house, with it's fireplace and warmth would have been demolished. it just wasn't to be that i stay there. i had to be thrown out, because i wouldn't leave when i had a chance earlier when the snow had not yet reached where i now stood.

tired and freaked out

i have such a feeling of impending doom. i emailed my ex again this morning. i then got to work and emailed him again and begged him not to hate me, and to ignore me... eventually i'll get past him and no longer rely on shooting off offensive emails for comfort.

but what to do about running into him, or even worse, running into all the people who know how pathetic i am and are aware of how lame my life has been for years, and is sure to be for quite some time, if not forever. i am so trapped!!!

monday was a short day

woke up from a good dream. my ex-boyfriend was with me and all was right. we were with my brother and sister. we were getting things done, working through our day. going places. it was wonderful. the dream was slightly lucid. i remember an uneasy feeling during all the goodness that it wasn't real, but at least it was something good. i went with it. i woke up thinking things may be all right after all.
checked my email right away, because i knew i shouldn't fool myself and my email would probably put me in check. did it ever... more than i hoped for.

the night before, i wrote a long email to my ex's ex-girlfriend. from what he told me, she was insanely jealous, and now i was feeling jealous. i thought we could somehow help one another. i read the email after it was done and decided to send it to my ex instead, hoping he'd understand what i was going through, apologize for hurting me, and possibly come back to me.

his sobering return email told me to cut off all contact with him and anyone else he knows, otherwise he'd get a court order to prevent me from stalking. i panicked. events from years earlier flashed back and they were happening all over again. obsessing over and not letting go of a man who left me. just as i did with the man from my distant past, i googled my most recent ex, his friends, his exes, his jobs... anything! once the other guy left me, i called and emailed incessantly! now that my newer ex and i were apart, would it only get worse?

i didn't want to be that person. i couldn't believe that here i was, doing this to this person i cared for so much, and to make it worse, i had done it before and not even known it! "stalking"... SUCH an ugly word. it makes me think of such a crazy, horrible person. not to mention, i certainly do not want to deal with legal repercussions.

i tried to reach some friends and family to help me calm down, but no one answered. then i did something incredible and out of shear desperations. i called my dad. first time in over 5 years. it had been a long time coming, because i had been feeling awful for having cut him off years earlier. i had been missing him and wishing i could have a relationship with him that wouldn't be toxic. i hoped that with all the time that had passed, he'd be somehow 'better'. i wanted my daddy.

i saw my therapist later that day. i rode my bike there and back and rode it hard. i felt better. not good, but not panicking. not relieved, but at least i didn't feel like a crazy fuck up. earlier, my dad gave me sound advice, which was surprising, because he's such a mess, and then my therapist reassured me that i was obsessed, but not pathological. at least there's that *sigh*.

i am glad i reached my dad. i now have to worry about what the rest of my family will say when they find out... none of them want anything to do with him and they'll disapprove of my contact with him. but none-the-less, he's my dad. i know he's shitty, but he's not without merit. he's my dad. he is one of the most influential people that have been in my life. he loves me like no other man ever could. he is fucked up and won't ever be a fully decent man, but at least he's here. i didn't want him to grow old and die before we had a chance to reconnect.

as far as my ex... i need to have no contact with him, and more importantly, i need to not think about him. i need to accept that i may never know what did and didn't happen while we were together, and i need to accept that he is done with me and i need to make it without him and his comforts.