i think i probably forgot the password to my other google account

so my back hurts. it gets pretty stiff. i'd really like to get to the gym. the degree to which i feel out of shape and unfit is increasing steadily. i have further and further to go to feel and look good.

last summer --- and i went on a cross country trip together. over 20 states in 6 weeks. totally awesome. one thing that wasn't awesome was the rash i got. oh jesus. it sucked. i mean, it was the most maddening thing i have ever gone through in my entire life. i really couldn't walk. it's amazing how important walking is. we take it for granted. this i now know.

walking meant having a mosquito bite the size of a pizza pie on the inside of each thigh. you know that itch? that mosquito bite itch that makes you want to tear your skin off and disinfect your flesh? and you know how one bite the size of a small pearl makes you want to holler? well, seriously, the inside of each thigh was one big, red, rash that no amount of fingernails could ever satisfy. the only comfort came from furiously itching and yelling in frustration and desparation until realizing the itching was only waking it up even more. then i would have to pat it all over while bracing for what i knew was next.... to stop scratching. i would sit and wait until the itch subsided just enough so i could sit without touching my thighs so long as i didn't move and nothing at ALL brushed against or touched my skin. it was hell.

it took a while to get rid of it. first i waited for it to go away on it's own. it didn't. then i went to a clinic. i was told it was bacterial and i should go on antibiotics. i had just finished a ton of antibiotics just a week earlier, so i balked at the suggestion, but did it anyway. then it got worse. that's when it got to the point i couldn't walk. while === and his family went hiking in the beautiful lay of the land, i painstakingly lounged alone waiting until i would have to endure the torture of movement once again. at that point i broke down and went to another clinic where i was told it was fungal and that antibiotics were the cause of the rash and that i needed a creme. it would be another week before i could properly walk and another 2 weeks before i could really hike. it would be well over a month until i could go a day without itching my thighs.

luckily, i'm ok now. i have acidophilus to thank for my full recovery. and yogurt of course. i would like nothing more than to go to that initial clinic and yell at that person that was so fucking fucking stupid. but of course, that would be bullshit. i'm stupid too. i should have been eating yogurt THE WHOLE TIME. yeast infections suck.

now

i am on this for the first time in quite a while. i'm a different person now after this past year. better in most ways. still a long way to go until i'm back to where i want to be.

i have a great boyfriend, i'm collecting unemployment, i gained too much weight, i am feeling far removed from my family, i got in touch with my dad and then ended up alienating him, i am feeling so much more free of my stupid ex, i am looking forward to one day returning to school, i eat too much, i drink too much. i skied for the first time recently, i have wonderful friends, i threw my first party recently, i no longer feel the need to follow _____, i am still sewing, i am sewing new types of items, i have an internet addiction, i never read, i no longer throw up but once in a blue moon, i am in a new place with my coke addiction, and i have some real anger, frustration, and paranoia issues. i feel sexually devoid, creatively stale, and mentally dull. i have glimpses of what it's like to feel confident, i am consumed with the need to travel, i have a special car, a decent mechanic, a lot of money invested in said car. i went cross country with my boyfriend this past summer, i fear obama won't get a second term, i am sure that evil persists and always will, i wonder if i'll be skinny again, i never go to the gym, i never ride my bike. i have decent roommates. i met my boyfriends parents. they're ok. i will most likely never have children. i am scared that my mom will die one day. i hate that i just wrote that last sentence. i'm trying to grow my hair down to my ass. i wish i loved more music. i want a pet so damn fucking bad. pit bull is my first choice if i got a dog. i really really want a cat, but can't have one in this house. i love my house. i have an amazing view from my window when the sun rises behind the ________ in the east. i wonder if my heart will give out on me sooner than later. i miss caring about things. i miss passion. i miss life. i feel like i'm waiting for nothing. i feel numb. i feel better than i did a month ago, and a month before that, and so on. my life is improving.

today, i woke semi-hungover. it was one of those mornings when i sit in bed way longer than i would have if my bf wasn't there. enter resentment. suggest we go to a movie. drop him at his home after, and head home to be productive. pass out instead. wake later and eat too much and sit on the internet doing nothing. hours pass. i cut up some fabric, but not for the project i should. i stress about deadlines. i procrastinate. i decide to go to bed sooner than later to try not to fuck up my schedule way too much for the next day. i end up on here blogging. i think about where to go on the internet next, and try to convince myself i won't do this for hours and instead will turn off all the electricity i'm now using and close my eyes and try to relax. thoughts return to all that i'm putting off, and all that i will probably put off tomorrow. i wonder why i do this. i self loathe.

getting better

so excited! i was full after eating almost all the rice and veggies i made, and set aside the last bit for later instead of eating it and then throwing up. yay me!

should be all right

i have a boyfriend. he is wonderful. i couldn't imagine finding someone who is so sweet to me, so understanding. i do have my feelings of annoyance here and there, but at least i am not crying. in fact, i never cry because of him. that is so 180 of how is was with my ex.
my ex. i hate what he did. moving past it, sure, but then there comes along someone who knows him, and old memories dredge up and it sucks.
i'm worried about how low on money i am, and how quickly it happened. moreso, i need to get paperwork done so i can prepare for the months ahead. i am ignoring toooooo much

new boyfriend

ok, so i'm pretty happy that i have someone special. it's a fucking relief. it's a huge ease to my loneliness. he sleeps with me, listens to me bitch, spends time with me, goes hiking, drinks coffee, plays board games, and we have the same friends. he loves meeting people i know, has introduced me to his, he and i are planning a huge trip this summer cross country, talk about tons of extensive travel together, parties with me, spends money on me, lets me spend on him, and loves to watch movies and shows with me. his taste in music is good, he likes a lot of what i do music wise, is smart, loves math, chess, backgammon, wants to go on bike rides with me, does me any favor i ask, goes down, has a sweet cock, beautiful eyes, is young but not immature at all, isn't religious, is funny, loves to cuddle, into pda no problem, and tells me he loves but isn't jealous at all. then why am i not madly in love? or a better question is... is it ok that i'm not madly in love? i feel like i love him, but i suspect there is a chance i don't. at least, i suspect that there is a chance that i don't want the same intensity of a relationship that he does. i also have another, stronger suspicion though... that if i was taking care of my life, i would be super happy to have him in my life just the way he is. also, he isn't working, he isn't trying to do anything specific other than hike and travel. and game. however, he's only in his mid 20's and hasn't followed through with college. he isn't much different than me when it comes to the lack of goals, but he is younger, so maybe that can or will change? i hope so. the flip side is it could get worse.
i pray i don't have to discuss this with him. i pray we even out.

got my hopes up

ok, so this super young guy gets interested in me. i get interested in him. we met thru a friend. i had them over for a small gathering with some of my other friends. he asked me if i wanted to get together after the weekend since i was going out of town the next day. i was all about it. we texted a couple of times that night and the next day. i was sweet but a touch distant in my texts. i didn't want to appear too eager. come monday, i don't hear from him. i email him early that evening. nothing so far.

maybe he is waiting til saturday. he texted something about joining a game with him and his friends. maybe he did call me but just didn't leave a message and since my phone was off i wouldn't know he called. maybe he just got really stoned. maybe he met some other girl. maybe he realized i was lame. maybe our mutual friend told him something that made him think twice. maybe he thinks i don't like him. i don't fucking know. it's like i told a friend of mine struggling with the same sort of boy issues... you have no way of thinking of every single possibility there is, therefore there is a chance that the right answer is unknown, therefore do not try to guess, do not assume. just wait and/or try to contact them. well, this is what i'm doing. i am also reminding myself that i have feelings of trepidation about this anyway. 1) huge age difference. 2) weight issue. 3) std issue. 4) self-image issue. 5) jealousy issue. 6) money issue.

however, every time i see a picture of this guy, he looks soooo good. also, he's extremely smart and exactly my type as far as hair and eyes. also, he's talented. if he has a huge cock, then i'll be really sad to have to let him slip thru the cracks, because then he'd be just perfect, wouldn't he? i just don't have it in me to play these games right now. i don't need or want everything spelled out in stone, but i also am not strong enough to deal with rejection. no. not going to do it. not going to throw myself at this guy hoping i can kiss his ass just the way he likes it. not going to pretend to be something i'm not. furthermore, i need to remind myself that i don't even really know him. maybe he's not all that. maybe it's better to hang onto him as a friend rather than a lover. maybe he'll come in real handy one day when i need a laborer... or something.

the good to come out of all this no matter what is: for the first time in a loooong time, i felt feelings similar to what i felt for ____. i found someone better looking the more he spoke. i found myself feeling engaged in conversation right away. i was asked for my # by someone i liked and then actually called. there is hope... just not a shit load.

no change

aaaaaah, so he's a sociopath. ok. that means no hoping, no wishing, no thinking... it just is. incurable. or... it's not black and white... however, for sure it's not 50/50. error on the side of he's sick as fuck.

i want this to stop

i'm having a hard time. ok, so i found out for sure my ex cheated on me over and over. seriously, i feel like i should feel like a complete loser... like i should be ashamed of letting him fool me, of going along with all the mistreatment, of being so obvilious. however, in a way i just don't. it occured to me that they (my ex and the one of the women he fucked that knew me) are the ones that are idiots. they are the ones that made sick decisions. i did too. i suppose... ah, whatever. what's really bothering me is that i want him more than ever. i can't stop thinking about how he is the most beautiful man i ever met and how i am still in love with him. i can't stop thinking about whether he wants me now that we talked. i can't stop wondering if he wants _______ back or if i am no better to him than any other ex now. i know that is the case. i know he was never in love with me, he just WANTED to be in love with me... oh wait, maybe it's something in between. i wasn't in love with ___, but then again i left him. wait. maybe ____ would have left if not for not being able to afford it. sure enough, he did leave eventually. christ. i wish i knew if he really loved me and if he could love me again. if he loves me still. he must not... he was able to leave me once before, he was able to sleep with other women. he actually carried on other relationships. he must have NO respect for me at ALL. just like me for ___. the only way we could have a relationship at all is if i do not allowone little bit of bull from him/ possible? my fear is the only tway that is possible is if we have NO CONTACT AT ALL! that is the LAST THING i want. i'm so damned. i wish i can find someone to help me forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. it will be nice to be out east in a couple of months. i wish i were skinnier. i wish i wasn't so boring and ugly. i wish ____ loved me. i want nothing more in this life at this moment than to be in his arms. it's killing me. i want to die rather than feel his rejection again. i wish i were dead right now rather than feel this longing and shame.

i can't believe he doesn't hate me!

ah thank god! i emailed ____ and not only did he email back but he actually used the picture i sent (reason for the email) for his profile pic. it was the most i could have hoped for! i was expecting more of the same as far as him completely ignoring me.

ah, so relieved. i know i shouldn't be so hung up on what he thinks of me, but how could i not? i spent so long with him, i spent a ton on energy on him, a lot of investment inside and out. i'm glad to know that i can move on and have something like that with someone else one day, but at the same time i will NEVER have some of the joy he and i shared with anyone ever again. it would be one thing if he were dead and therefore that is why there could never be a connection again, but the way things have been, there was always the possibility of running into him and he HATING me... at least this way i know he and i can be civil and salvage what decent memories we share without ignoring them because of all the horrible things we did to one another.

i just couldn't accept that it all had to be canceled out. also, i fucking MISS him! now this doesn't mean i'm all about trying to have coffee with him anytime soon (if ever), but to know that he has a moment or two where he remembers something fondly relating to me is enough to help me accept the loss that has occurred. i still need to write some more about this... shift it around in my head to clearly and concisely figure out my perspective on this unexpected change, but for now i feel a cloud that has been sticking around ominous and dark gray is now moving slowly in the opposite direction of where it is i need to go.

in no way am i excited by this because of what it means re: reconnecting with him. no no. i am a million miles away from being able to deal with him having romantic or sexual relationships with other people. i am still intimidated by most of the kinds of people he surrounds himself with.

i still want him in the deepest part of my soul even though my brain is not down for something that insane. i know he used me, but i also suspect he did feel strongly for me. the thing is: i could never feel comfortable or safe with him as a friend much less as a lover or partner, because i doubt there is a way that he could ever prove to me that i was more important than other women in his life from the past, present, or future. 2 reasons: 1- because that never was the case and never would be. as much as he ever has or will care for me, it is not more than he did for certain exes, women he will know in the future, and probably women he knows now. 2- even if that weren't the case, i don't think i will ever think someone as smart and funny and hot as he is would ever put me first because my own father never did. i do not hold myself in high enough esteem to believe someone else could. it is very possible i will never fall in love again now that i realize this. if i can't fall in love with someone with a clean slate, i certainly couldn't revert back to trying to trust ____ after all the damage done. he has shown himself unable to apologize thoroughly. what he considers redundant i consider incomplete.

argh.... point is, i'm glad he doesn't hate me, i'm glad it's possible we can run into each other one day and not have a scene or me throw up or have a panic attack, and i'm glad he used the picture i sent.

jealousy and bulimia

argh. ok, so first i get a text from one of my friends. she and the other friend we were out with last night both ended up at an after party at the band's house after the show. the show i left early because i was tired and cranky and sad and pissed. yeah, i could have stayed and tried to have a good time since i love the music, but no, i needed to get sooooo drunk the night before that i was ashamed and exhausted to the point that i couldn't even dance, much less socialize with cool, friendly people.

it was bad enough that i threw myself at a white-trash kid the night before only to get blown off, but here i was the next night and in yet another situation where i'm hoping i can get laid or fall in love or do any-fucking-thing in between knowing that odds are NOTHING'S HAPPENING. then a whole slew of annoyances followed one another...

who else is there but my semi-ex friend ______ and her better-than-fiction boyfriend _____. i couldn't stand seeing them together. i couldn't stand catching a glimpse of a cute boy out of the corner of my eye and realizing it was _____ over and over. i couldn't stand feeling like i had to be nice to ______ when really i am so fucking pissed at her and so jealous and so disgusted with the fact that she used me, hurt me, and reminds me of how pathetic i was when ____ and i were together and how pathetic i am now that we're not. also, a decent boy DID talk to me, and i wanted to flirt with him, but i had no idea how to go about it without being an old, desperate lady and being obtuse. i tried to be cool about it, and next thing i know, he's gone. really gone. like, so gone maybe i should have given him more to go on. AND to top it all off, _____ called me earlier in the night to hang out after i thought i had shook him loose. i tried to drop hints as heavy as anchors, but he dodged every one. i had to raise and shake my voice and tell him i was feeling uncomfortable. he was maneuvering around every reason i had for not going straight to his house and picking him up and spending the whole night attached at the hip with him. i had to be blunt with him so then i spent the rest of the night feeling guilty for rejecting this nice guy i wanted to want but ditched instead.

yeah, so that was my day last night. shitty in itself, and that was on top of the usual missing ____ and feeling inadequate in the shadow of all that is his life then and now. then the text today that i missed an opportunity to meet amazing people (which is one of my main goals lately) and then i happen upon a picture of the cozy couple from last night on facebook and they are SO FUCKING IN LOVE AND HAPPY! so i'm so frustrated and so jealous. jealous of the people i should be happy for. jealous when it's a totally wasted emotion and damaging and hurtful to myself more than anyone. meanwhile, i just ate even though it's super late and i'm super fucking fatter than i want to be. i finished the two-helping dinner i made earlier tonight instead of saving half for tomorrow. so i threw up the second helping. rarely a day goes by when i don't throw up. last night i stopped for fast food on the way to the show because i wasn't very hungry while i was home when i could have made something relatively healthy... so i threw that up when i got to the bar. i had to hold the bathroom stall door because the latch was broken and still aim for the toilet and still try to be as quiet as i could so the other girls in there didn't know i was heaving, all the while trying to not get it in my hair that i couldn't hold back because the fucking latch was a god-damned piece of shit!!!! i fucking hate how fucking lame i am. i fucking hate it.

by the way... still ugly. still old and fat. fuck. i'll be making an appt for a dermatologist and also a personal trainer asap. hopefully that will help. that in addition to doing something with my life of course. incidentally, i really like the way throwing up feels sometimes. it's like taking a great shit... there's a physical pleasure in it. i probably wouldn't feel like this if i was getting laid. it's so sickening to think of ___ having sex and looking into so-and-so's eyes and coming all over (or in) whomever when i'm all alone and disgusting and wasting away getting fatter and uglier and stupider. fuck.

response

ok, instead of googling his name ever time i miss something about being with him, i will vent here.
i will write, i will go to the gym, i will read, i will knock whatever off my list, i will sew, i will go out in the world and surround myself with people who share my values. everyone else doesn't need to be responded to. perhaps only acknowledged if that. ok.

why don't i feel good?

i bought a car this week. i should be fucking happy. jesus fucking christ, all i could do a few months ago was fantasize about how a car would make me feel better. i wouldn't have to spend time on the bus, i wouldn't have to be around those lame people on the bus, i wouldn't have to wait for the bus where anyone in the world could see me standing there alone, most likely wearing something lame or embarrassing. i wouldn't have to go grocery shopping with my bike and therefore make the cashier pissed because i needed to bag everything just so. i wouldn't have to go light to naked lady parties or ask for rides home or not be able to buy detergent the same day i bought soda or not be able to go to a fun party out of town or get to the coast or do a favor for a friend or lug my stuff to a street fair to sell... for god's sake, i would have a million ways in which my life would vastly improve. but here i am feeling alone, feeling unhappy, feeling unloved and unlovable. even though i LOVE my car and it is EXACTLY what i wanted (how lucky is that? thank you craigslist!), it feels empty and bittersweet. i don't have anywhere special to go with it, no one i can win over because of it, no one i can go see or fuck in the middle of the night via it. damn. you see, if i had a job, i could appreciate it more. instead, i feel vain and compensatory.

good thing is now i can go to the gym. seriously, i should have just done it with my bike, but i didn't. thing is, it's one thing to ride the bike with a sense of pride, however for me it was just demoralizing. i wasn't doing it for exercise or fresh air or the environment... i was doing it because the only other option was the bus. and then the weather turned, i was home too many hours of too many days, and i started in with the bus. what the fucking fuck?!??!?

i am frustrated. this tinge of anger i'm feeling right now is a welcome break from the usual sadness that permeates each hour of each day now. i am depressed. can't get out of bed, do not like to look in the mirror, do not enjoy myself unless i'm high (and even then, i'm not really having the fun i used to on drugs). i can't bring myself to fuck anyone, but that doesn't matter, because no one is really lining up anyway. i can't give it away. so many people tell me i look a lot younger than i am, yet i'm not getting the attention i used to. or at least it seems. it may be that i'm going after hotter guys than i used to and i'm not giving it out to the same ugly types i always used to... so there's more rejection nowadays. a lot more. but even though i rationally KNOW that's ok, i have to ask myself if this new rejection is because i'm older and uglier, or i'm coming off more DESPARATE and therefore uglier.
anyway, this entry is a bit unorganized, but fuck it. i needed to vent, and vent i did. tomorrow i hope to go to a new movie with an old friend (and hopefully he won't hit on me, but unfortunately that is likely). i also hope to hit the gym. i did yesterday for the first time in weeks, and lord did it help!

i don't get it

so lonely. there were so many men hitting on me last night... but none of them were interesting or very good looking. i miss my ex. i wish i had interesting, special people in my life. i am very grateful for all the love and all the people who like to spend time with me, but i can't remember the last time i really LAUGHED with someone because of something they said.

i miss my ex. i miss that feeling of laughter. i miss having someone to hold or to lean against. i barely miss sex though. jesus. i can't watch porn without wondering if i'll ever have decent sex again. ever. i don't know what to do in this moment. i know i need to get out and do things like read, go to the gym, get into school. i am afraid i will waste too much of my money or fuck up my UI. i need to be smart about my decisions in these next few weeks. super smart... and that paralyzes me. everything paralyzes me. i have the hardest time concentrating. jesus. anxiety. oh god.

i long for ____, but i feel like i don't even know him. tonight, i found a new picture of him online and i didn't recognize him. he's an entirely different person than the guy i dated. of course he is who he is and i must have loved an apparition, but i can't help longing for who it was i loved.

there is a laundry list of what i want in a man, in my friends, in my life... i put a ton on them on my ex, and now that he ran away from me, i have no one to put all that on. i feel so alone, drifting, hurt, alone. i am afraid to have any involvment with any men because i can't stand the possibility of being misled or the possibility of hurting someone or feeling trapped. damn, damn, damn.

i need a fuller life. tomorrow i will go to the gym, work on a custom order overdue, and shop for a vehicle and make a list of what i need to look for in a vehicle.

reading

so, it was for a while that i couldn't read at all. the thought of reading caused me to feel so horrible that only death could fix that feeling on the spot. i would cringe in wait for that feeling to pass. i shifted my thoughts away from books or subjects of interest or academic merit as quickly as possible. i found myself playing backgammon online over and over... it was a way to interact with other humans, be better than them, and not involve words. the mere mention of a bookstore or an author would throw me into a tizzy in my head. it was like i was suddenly caught in a room full of angry bees... they were angry i dared to compete with the likes of my ex and those around him that pursued reading and learning... especially the woman he left me for.

things are much better now. however, they are not all better. i need to read. i need to write. actually, i think if i wrote a little everyday, esp. at the beginning of the day, i would feel more grounded instead of soooo very scattered. then i would have more confidence. for instance, even though i KNOW i like to read and i know how important it is, and i know i have read a ton ever since i was very young and it was without the prompting of anyone at all, i still have this buzzing in the back of my brain that says i'm doing it to impress others. shit. perhaps both are true... i want it to improve my mind and to gain admiration from others. i don't yet know if that is all right. what percentage of each should i be at? where would i feel most comfortable? anyway, beginning to write will guide me to where i need to be with my reading. i know it. and that in itself is so way beyond where i was a few months ago.

new year, old issues

ahh, whatever. not particularly sad or mad, not glad. blah. ah. ha.

just posted a lot of new photos on my facebook. there's a few with a boy i spent the actual new year with. just me and him and some shrooms and molly. good times. but wait... it was at a show and i met him through our mutual friend who we lost along the way after my friend found her way to a random guy... long story short, i was way into this guy but could tell he was not going to go beyond just friends. if i weren't so high, i would have told myself to let it go, but instead i figured i had nothing to lose by pushing it by kissing and hugging him. hell, i was hugging EVERYBODY! but kissing just him. he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss back either. he was higher than i, so i guessed that was why i was getting mixed messages rather than a blow off, but still... i was hoping for a miraculous event (thanks to the huge rush of seratonian), so i pushed. it wasn't until we all met up after the show and i asked him if he wanted to continue to hang out that he finally fessed up to having a girlfriend. she was down in mexico waiting for him.

it was funny... on the one hand, i feel silly for going there and getting rejected, on the other, he didn't reject me. he spent almost the whole show with me, was with me at midnight, and didn't make me feel weird once. even when he had to finally tell me he had a girlfriend, i still got the feeling that he did like me... i can't read his mind, but i get the feeling he enjoyed having a cute, friendly girl to hand out with at a show he only knew a couple of accquaintences at, and that he didn't feel the slightest urge to do anything against his relationship, but at the same time, it was a sweet, flirty thing. argh, i'm not really putting this into the most elegant wording, but the long and short of it is that i'm glad to have spent time with him that night. he was incredibly beautiful. he was tall and scientific and smart and skinny and a mountain man. ooooh.

anyway, i was putting pics up on facebook, and i was hoping that by seeing them, my ex and my enemies would witness how incredible i am, and how i don't care about what they've done to me and they are wrong and i am great. fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. i hope one day I KNOW i am great and i hope that one day I HAVE a boyfriend who is every bit as wonderful as that one guy and he stays true to me that guy stays true to his gf. one day, one day, one day.

thing is, none of that will happen so long as i sit on this damn computer everyday. but i'm sad, i'm frightened, i'm tired, i'm alone, i'm sick, i'm bored, i'm dumb, i'm weak, i'm lazy, i'm stuck. i know how to change all these things, but so far, not really happening. lazy, lazy, lazy. i saw an ad on cl. damn cute. my age. soooo tempted to answer, but i don't like the chance of rejection, or lameness, or anyone i know finding out about it. argh. i will try to look out for him randomly in rl instead. that's better. argh. he seems like the tight black pants type anyway.