more

NO ONE TO TALK TO. I HAVE FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS. THEY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT ANYTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US. I THANKS THE GODS FOR THEM. I AM TRULY HAPPY THAT I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY TO RELY ON AND CONNECT WITH AS WELL. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT? but I AM SO VERY UPSET THAT THERE ISN'T SOMETHING MORE THAT I CAN GET OUT OF ALL THIS. I SUPPOSE A MAN TO LOVE AND LIVE LIFE WITH WOULD BE NICE, BUT I KNOW THAT WOULD LEAVE ME FEELING FRUSTRATED TOO. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE ABLE TO LIKE MYSELF, BUT I DOUBT THAT'S EVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'LL ONLY REALLY BE SATISFIED IF I COULD ROAM AND ROAM AND ROAM... GET TO SEE PLACES OTHERS COULD ONLY DREAM OF. GET TO EXPERIECNCE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS THAT ARE SO VERY FORIEGN THAT EVERYONE I KNOW WOULD SHUDDER WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH SUCH HEIGHTS. INSTEAD THOUGH, I AM SITTING AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY 3 WALLS ONLY A FOOT IN FRONT OF ME AND TO EITHER SIDE. BEHIND ME EYES BURN HOLES IN MY BACK AND KEEP ME FROM WANTING TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT, FOR I'LL ONLY HAVE TO RETURN.

SHIT, I ATE A SANDWICH AND NOW MY STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY IS EATING ME? I CAN'T STAND THAT THERE WAS A MAN I LOVED, AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, IT WAS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER GIRL, ONE SO LIKE ME THAT I WAS SURE THAT I WAS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER, AND THAT HE THOUGHT OF HER DURING SEX, DURING EVERYTHING. HE THEN ALSO ENTERTAINED SO MANY OTHER WOMEN IN HIS MIND, IN HIS LIFE. HE SLEPT AT THE HOUSES AND EMAILED WITH THEM AT NIGHT WHILE I SLEPT DREAMING OF HIM. HOW I SUFFERED BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE! HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD, AND IT WAS TAINTED! NOTHING WAS GOOD THEN, AND IT IS ALLWORSE NOW. I SUPPOSE I COULD BE GLAD THAT I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I AM FREE TO START SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BETTER, BUT NOTHING IS BETTER. IS THAT THE BEST I WAS TO GET? ALL THE MEN I MEET NOW, ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I DO HAVE... I AM LEFT FEELING ASHAMED THAT I DO NOT LOVE THEM MORE. THEY ARE SO VERY KIND TO ME, AND I AM SO VERY HONEST WITH THEM, BUT DON'T I AND THEY DESERVE MORE?

never

NEVER WILL I WANT ____ AGAIN. however, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT I COULD HAVE A CIVIL INTERACTION WITH HIM ON OCCASION IF HE WERE TO APPROACHE ME HUMBLED, APOLOGETIC, AND THROUGHLY AND CONSISTANTLY REPENTANT. EVEN THEN, I WOULD NOT COMPLETELY TRUST HIM TO BE HONEST WITH ME AT ALL TIMES ABOUT ALL THINGS. SINCE HE IS SOMEONE WHOM I HAVE FELT SO STRONGLY TOWARDS IN BOTH GOOD AND BAD REGARD, THIS LACK OF COMPLETE HONESTY AND TRUST MEANS THAT I would always FEEL LIKE I WAS ON GUARD OF MY VERY DIGNITY, SOUL, AND BELONGINGS WHEN I AM THINKING OF HIM OR IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

NEVER WILL I ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF SOME SORT OF RECONCILIATION WHEREBY HE WERE TO FORSAKE ALL OTHERS AND DECLARE HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO ME. THE TIME FOR SUCH AN ACT HAS COME AND GONE, NEVER TO APPEAR AGAIN. SOMEONE MAY ENTER INTO MY LIFE, AND THAT MAY BE THE PERSON I WOULD YEARN TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH AND NO OTHER. THERE IS NO WAY ON THIS EARTH THAT ____ COULD BE THAT PERSON NOW AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED.

JUST AS pertainent, THE CHANCES OF HIM COMING TO ME AND WANTING TO BE WITH ME ON ANY LEVEL WHATSOEVER IS PRACTICALLY NIL. SO WHAT IS LEFT IS THIS: I WILL NEVER WANT HIM, AND HE WILL NEVER WANT ME. IF EITHER HE OR I ARE TO BE IN A FULFILLING, LOVING, LASTING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, IT WILL NOT BE WITH ONE ANOTHER, IT MUST THEREFORE BE WITH ANOTHER.

sad all over again

i should be happy. i kissed an incredibly cute boy last night and i really liked it. i really wanted to do a lot more than kiss, but he was being coy and then he was being cautious. i know he was attracted to me. i know he was every bit as into it as i was. but i still feel rejected now that i haven't heard from him. i called him today not long after i woke and left him a message. no call back.
there are many possible reasons why he hasn't called. it doesn't mean he's not interested. maybe he is, but there's something in the way. still, i get the feeling that i came on too strong, as if my excitement looked too much like desperation. maybe i'm acutally desperate, and i just think it's excitement.
anyway, i don't really have the right to get upset. i started out last night flirting with another guy who really wanted to hang out that night. at first i said yes, but then when i saw cute boy showed up, i told other guy some other time. he was persistent, so i said i'd call today. i never did. it seemed all right to consider him at the beginning of the night, but after the intensity of the cute boy and after running over in my head how his mouth and hands and body felt for those moments we were making out, i just couldn't settle for less right now.
anyway, i have been completely frustrated all day. i can't focus on work... mostly because i'm sad. i keep thinking about my ex and how he probably doesn't have to worry about being rejected at all these days. it's like he's got a line of women waiting for him. it's so unfair. or at least it seems that way. i had 4 different men last night pining for me. 3 of them i've known for a long time. the other one just that night. but the one i really went for didn't want to come home with me. didn't call me the next day.
i can keep trying to remind myself he may call later in the week, but my gut is telling me to forget about it and my self-loathing is telling me my ex is having sex and laying in bed laughing with and enjoying the new woman he likes so much better than me.
good thing is this: i haven't felt sexually hungry for months. i am now. i just needed a hot guy to look at and go for. i know there's at least one out there, there's bound to be more.

flipping

i have been emailing my ex. i totally have a strong feeling that he's deleting them without reading them, so i am indulging in wild abandon rather than stifling every urge i have to contact him. for a while there, i was going slightly out of my way to try find him at the bus stop, but it felt really gross after a while, and i have since felt less of an urge to do that. so if emailing is a more proper vent, so be that rather than running into him and seeing a horrible look of recognition on his face when i come barreling around the corner and surprising him.

my hope is that if he is reading any of my emails, something inside him will click and let go. he's got this lock on what really happened, like it's in a safe and he'll never let me see it, even though it does belong to me as well. i spent over 2 years with him, and now i don't know what really happened in that time, and i don't know how he really felt about me, and i don't know who he really is. i don't care if the answer is the worst case scenerio... as long as there was a real answer. i just can't believe that all my memories are to be trusted. i know there's a possibility that i should just take everything at face value, but my gut isn't buying it. my hope is that a glimmer of guilt directs him into addmission and repentance. i know he's way too guarded for that to be a reality. he has years and years of fighting the church and his own family in the very same way. he won that battle with them years ago and they are just happy to have him in their lives, lying or no lying.

i couldn't do that. i have a choice of who i spend my love on. they on the other hand couldn't choose their son/brother/cousin/newphew. i couldn't justify looking the other way indefinitely. and now i can't justify letting the truth fall by the wayside. of course, i am going about this in the wrong way. if i were more clever and patient and cunning, i could coax it out of him over time. but my strong emotions flipped the fuck out, and all i can do now is spew, spew, and spew into his inbox and slowing and surely empty all this toxicidity out of my system over time. i want him out of my head just like he is out of my life.

what a huge mistake it was to believe in him. i believed the bullshit. i fooled myself. now i have to undo all these fucking knots i tightened. bastards.

i know what i want

to NOT THINK ABOUT ____

INTERESTING, SMART FRIENDS

to become a better listener

to DRINK less overall

to be BACK IN SCHOOL

a CHALLENGING JOB WITH admirable PEOPLE IN GOOD AREA WITH a DECENT COMMUTE

to PAY OFF ALL CCS

a GREAT ROAD BIKE

a RELIABLE CAR

to CLEAR out the BACKYARD

to PAINT the whole HOUSE

to get in BETTER SHAPE

to go HOME FOR CHRISTMAS every year

to TRAVEL ABROAD

an HONEST BOYFRIEND

GREAT CLOTHing

to TAKE CARE OF my dad's last days and afterlife

good things do happen

whoa. good things do happen to good people. doing the right thing and following one's gut pays off! it's not just the assholes and liars and theives that get what they want. i'm not a sucker! lately, it really has felt like the more i trust and hope, the more i'm fooling myself. but that's not so. it's like this: 1) don't give away one's trust, but rather know there are those in the world deserving of it and save it for them. 2) it's ok to do the right thing. the most important consequence is how your conscience feels after the fact. if you get something for nothing, and it costs someone else who doesn't deserve to have to pay, then step up. otherwise, you'll end up paying in the long run in addition to that unfortunate, used soul you fucked over. and don't worry about things not working out if you're honest. you need to be honest no matter what happens in the short run. it takes courage to face the unknown, and it takes humility to deal with outcomes as they are. the reward will be a lesson well learned and future situations well-lived. 3) to get what you want in this life, one need not lower themselves to the level of the sick sociopaths who are capable of cutting off all human emotion. they suffer in ways that you could never dream, so do not envy their shortcomings. their benefits are shallow and will only breed cesspools of more sickness down the line.

so what i want to know is, "if good things do happen to good people, is it ok to still have a part of you that wallows in the enjoyment derived from hoping bad things happen to bad people?"

needy

I AM SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE BRIDGES I'VE CROSSED AND BURNED:

_______ - I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH ME. PUTTING ASIDE WHAT I DID WRONG, HE WAS CRUEL TO ME, AND IT IS BETTER TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS HIS. HE PROBABLY HAS A GOOD LIFE, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HAVE THE SAME.

___ - I SHOULDN'T HAD GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM. I WAS REALLY HORRIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT I ALSO DID A LOT TO PROTECT HIM FROM FUTHER INJURY, SO I AM NOT COMPLETELY EVIL. ALL THAT I DID WRONG IS DONE AND GONE, AND ALTHOUGH I AM UPSET THAT HE WON'T TALK WITH ME, I FEEL TO ASHAMED TO TALK WITH HIM. IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT HE LET ME WALK ALL OVER HIM ONE TOO MANY TIMES. THE COMFORTING FACTOR IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE DESERVING, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, NO LONGER SUBJECT TO MY SELFISHNESS. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, LEARNED FROM THEM, AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND RELISH IN MY NEWFOUND INTEGRITY.

_____ - I WAS RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED WHEN IT CAME TO HOW I TREATED HER. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT HER GOOD FORTUNE IN CERTAIN AREAS MEANT THAT SHE COULD, OR SHOULD, TAKE ON MORE HASSLE THAN SHE DESERVED. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS UNREALISTIC AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE AND VERY ANGRY. WE DID SHARE A BOND BASED ON POSSIBILITIES IN THE BEGINNING, BUT THEN DRIFTED APART. I DON'T MISS HER MUCH, I MOSTLY REGRET HAVING BEEN MEAN AND MISGUIDED IN MY ATTEMPS TO BE A HALF-ASSED FRIEND. NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO NEEDY AND IN ADDITION, I SEE THAT WHEN SHE WAS ENTERING A BAD SPOT IN HER LIFE, I HELD ONTO WHAT WAS WITH HER RATHER THAN SEEING WHAT WAS. I DO FEEL LIKE I DID QUITE A LOT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS TO BLAME, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE WAS ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL. IT'S OK WE DRIFTED, IT'S OK WE'RE NOT IN TOUCH, I JUST REGRET LEAVING A MEAN 'BREAK UP' MESSAGE, AND NOT REELING MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW I WAS STARTING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.

_______ - IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WITH HER, AND IT IS STILL TOO FRESH TO REALLY FIGURE OUT IF IT COULD BE DIFFERENT (BETTER) AT THIS POINT. ON THE ONE HAND, I TRIED TO BE PAITENT AND COMMUNICATIVE BUT SHE WASN'T RECEPTIVE. ON THE OTHER, I WOULD INTERJECT TOO MUCH AND I DID LOSE MY PATIENCE AND LASH OUT AT TIMES. HER AND I ARE ONLY ADDING TO ONE ANOTHER'S NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GOOD TO BE FREE OF OBLIGATION TO HER. HOWEVER, I HATE TO THINK SHE IS AVOIDING ME NOW OUT OF ANGER, SHAME, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY, AND I NEVER AGREED TO THAT INTENSE OF A RELATIONSHIP.

____ - THAT WAS A MISTAKE FROM THE BEGINNING. I KNEW HE WAS SHADY, SELFISH, DISHONEST. I KNEW I WAS CLINGY AND NEEDY AND I THOUGHT I COULD WEIGH EVERYTHING SO IT BALANCED. WHEN I FIRST BROKE UP WITH HIM, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A WAY SO I COULD HAVE STUCK WITH IT, BECAUSE SINCE THEN, NOTHING EVER FELT LASTING OR SAFE. THE PROBLEM WAS I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE LOOSING HIM, AND I KNEW I WOULD RESORT TO ANYTHING AT ALL TO KNOW I DID ALL I COULD. INSTEAD, I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND NOT SUBJECTED MYSELF TO FURTHER HUMILATION. HE DID TO ME EXACTLY WHAT _______ DID, AND THE COMMONALITY IS THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SET MYSELF UP BOTH TIMES. I SHOULD HAVE REELED MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW MYSELF GETTING JEALOUS AND NEEDY. IF I AM STRESSED TOO MUCH, THERE ARE CHANGES THAT I NEED TO MAKE, RATHER THAN DEMANDING THEY MAKE THE CHANGES. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT I WOULD NOT WIN WITH ____, AND LEFT HIM BEFORE HE INEVITABLY LEFT ME. HOWEVER, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR NOT HAVING DONE SO, BECAUSE I ONLY FEEL THIS CERTAINY IN HINDSIGHT. I HAD FALSE HOPE THEN, BUT AT LEAST I HAD HOPE. I KNOW I TRIED, AND THAT I WAS LIED TO IN THE END. ALL THE SELF DELUDING I IMPOSED ON MYSELF IF NOTHING ELSE TAUGHT ME TO NEVER FOOL MYSELF AGAIN THAT A MAN LOVES ME UNLESS HE SHOWS ME HE DOES. NO MORE EXCUSES FOR THEIR FRAIL VULNERABITIES AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. IF I NEED SOMEONE THAT IS THAT SICK, I NEED THEM TO BE IN TREATMENT, OTHERWISE I NEED THEM OUT OF MY LIFE UNTIL THEY ARE.

I LET PEOPLE CHEAT ON ME, LIE TO ME, BECAUSE I DID SO TO ____ BACK IN THE DAY WITH ____ , BECAUSE I WAS SO SURE GUYS DIDN'T REALLY WANT ME THAT I'D LATCH ON TO NEW ONES, THEN THOSE SAME GUYS THAT DITCHED ME LATER BLAMED ME TO SLEEPING AROUND... AND I BELIEVED IT! MY GUILT ALLOWED ME TO BE SO VULNERABLE. LATER, I LET _____ TO WHATEVER BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORK AND ALL THE YA... EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE MEAN GUYS WHO USE ME, AND I AM MEAN TO NICE GUYS WHO I RESENT FOR NOT BEING CLEVER ENOUGH TO FIGURE ME OUT.

THIS IS WHY I AM SINGLE NOW. THIS IS WHY I NO LONGER HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I AM REBUILDING HONESTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP. I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYTHING OF VALUE BE BLOWN AWAY IN A WHIRLWIND OF MY DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS. I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE CONDITIONS THAT ARE RIPE FOR CREATING SUCH MALSTREOMS ANYMORE.

getting better everyday

tesla rules.

surprisingly, i got a lot done today. i say that because in the middle of it all, i realized that for week after week my saturdays were filled with only 1 or 2 things attempted and hours and hours in bed either recovering from a friday night hangover or not being able to tear myself away from hulu in fear of having to think for two seconds.

today's sunshine and heat were motivators, as was the fact that i have an upcoming trip out of town and i need to do soooo much. but more than that, i am getting more and more used to the way things are. and i also think i am getting a clearer idea of HOW things are. with me. i spend a lot of time trying to figure out ___, but i don't spend as much time on my own motivations and patterns.
anyway, it's all getting better. if i know anything, it's that extrapolation would mean that in a week, it will be even better, and in a month, way better, and in a year, all better.

but... in the meantime, i fucking miss him and the scariest thing now is that he may never talk to me again. it seems so unfair that i couldn't control myself and not burn that bridge. i should have had the strength to ignore him instead of alienating him so i wouldn't have recourse if my urge to contact him got to be too great. i just hope that one day, when these urges have passed, i can run into him and he won't hate me, or be afraid of what i may do, or feel way too much shame or guilt so that he avoids me.

i don't know how to do my part in this quite yet. i know the only absolute i can prepare for is that i need to accept if in fact we never talk again. shit, he could be madly in love already, be feeling things for another woman that he would have never felt for me. he could be moving in with her, making plans for the future, or sure that she is the mother of his children. why would i want to run into that!!!???? preferably, i want to have things and people and plans in my life that outshine anything that had or would have happened with him. but right now, that's not how it is. everything is still musty, grimy, and dark.

cunts

i need to stop wondering what happened. i need to stop wanting to contact him or anyone that knows him or knew him. i need to keep it simple. i know he lied to me. i know he emotionally cheated on me. i know he went out with other women and that they weren't just friends. i know that he broke up with me because he met someone else. i know it is likely he slept with someone else... or numerous someone elses. it could have been his roommate the entire time he lived in the house share. they could have dropped in on each other's rooms on nights no one else was around and i wasn't staying there. i did find women's clothing in his room at least once.
it could have been his ex-girlfriend. she actively pursued him while we were together and i finally knew that with certainy after about a year. before that, she crashed at his house one night when i was there, seemingly just because she was in the neighborhood for the monthly fair held every summer, but maybe there were more times she dropped in when i wasn't there.
i'm getting sick going into this detail. i know either these specific things happened, or things similar and just as horrible. oh, how i want him to tell me what they were!!!! i am obsessed with wondering, wondering, wondering. when does it stop?! i need to stop it. i don't know how yet, but perhaps the first step is completely accepting I WILL NEVER FIND OUT, HE WILL NEVER TELL ME, I CAN NEVER DISCOVER THE TRUTH, THE CUNTS HE FUCKED WILL NEVER TALK.

glad

GLAD I WILL NO LONGER ACT OUT OF OBLIGATION RE: _______. I DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING, AND THE MORE I GIVE HER, THE LESS I LEAVE FOR MYSELF.

GLAD I WILL NOT SEE _______ AGAIN. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HIM AS MORE THAN AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO LEAD HIM ON FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.

GLAD I WILL NEVER ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A FRIENDSHIP WITH ____. ALTHOUGH I KNOW HE CAN BE A GOOD PERSON, I KNOW ODDS ARE HE NEVER WILL BE.

GLAD I GOT IN TOUCH WITH MY DAD. IT IS SHOWING ME THAT I DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING AND THAT I AM NOT CAUSING HIS DISTRESS, HE SET IT UP FOR HIMSELF.

GLAD I AM IN THERAPY AND NOT ACTING OUT ANYWHERE LIKE I USED TO. IT IS NEVER TO LATE TO IMPROVE, AND THERE IS ALWAYS MORE TIME AHEAD IN WHICH TO SUCCEED.

GLAD I HAVE THE LIVING SITUATION I HAVE BEEN STRIVING FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS. GLAD THAT I HAVE FREEDOM AND ENOUGH SPACE TO CREATE.

GLAD I AM STILL CLOSE WITH MY FAMILY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO STRENGTHENING THOSE BONDS IN THE YEARS TO COME. IF NOTHING ELSE, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM.

GLAD I DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN NOW, AND AM OK WITH NEVER HAVING A CHILD. I KNOW THERE ARE NUMEROUS PATHS OPEN TO ME IF I AM ON MY OWN.

you're not there

i really have the strongest urge to contact you. but i know 1) you lied to me. when we were together, you were carrying on with exes and you had one foot out the door and your eye on whatever was to come next. you knew you weren't in love with me, but you wanted to stay with me for as long as you wanted, and you knew you were making it worse for me, because you knew i was in love with you, but you would lead me on because in those moments, it felt good. this is why i don't think you're a good person. this is why sometimes i wish i never met you. your level of selfishness is such a force of destruction for me. you tore me down so much that now i feel like i can't even stand up without help, and i want to lean on you. you hurt me, you lied. what makes all of this so much worse is to think that you are probably happy with a new girlfriend who doesn't put up with your lies, so therefore you are good to her in all the ways you should have been good to me. jesus, you didn't have to stay with me forever just because i wanted you to, but you should have not used me!!! you shouldn't have lied!!! you shouldn't have defended your bastard friends and exes when they treated me like shit! i shouldn't have stayed with you beyond that first week, but i was so afraid of being alone, and you were so beautiful and interesting. i thought you would learn to apprieciate me, but instead you learned to take what you wanted and justify it all. i am so lonely. it is killing me. i have no one in my life that i'm proud of except for a few distant relatives that don't have a lot to do with me. my cat was with me for years. it was me and him. and he's been gone for a year this month. fuck. i have roommates that are strange, i have a house cat that is strange. co-workers, old aquaitences, people i see on the bus, guys following me around hoping for a date or a kiss. it is all lame and strange. i look in the mirror and that's the worst of it all. i don't look good. my insides are streaming through. i hate it. i don't know when i'll ever feel the joy i used to feel with you. i know i can, i know i probably will, but when? what are the odds? i wish you hadn't lied to me. i miss you so much, but it is impossible to have a conversation with you ever again. i just wish i knew whether you hated me. i know you don't use words like 'hate', but i know what feelings you use, and you can call it whatever... i just don't want you to feel that way about you when i still miss what we had so very much.
i have lost others in my life and eventually moved on. it will happen with you, but when? to what degree. i wish you hadn't used me. it would be a waste to wish i had left you sooner, because i was way to sick to do so. the healthiest thing i can do now is have no contact with you. you're still sick and you may always be. it is such a waste and a shame.

i get it!

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. MAYBE I'M FEELING BETTER TODAY BECAUSE I AM EXPERIENCING WHAT MY EX MUST HAVE GONE THROUGH. I HAVE SPENT MONTHS AND MONTHS NOT GETTING IT, NOT REALLY UNDERSTANDING HOW HE COULD HAVE LOVED ME, YET STILL LEFT ME IN THE END. AND TO GO ONTO SOMEONE NEW! I JUST DIDN'T GET IT. BUT NOW... I AM STARTING TO REALLY AGREE WITH WHAT HE DID. IN A LOT OF WAYS, HE MUST NOT HAVE HAD A CHOICE. OF COURSE, THAT END OF THINGS DOESN'T DO SHIT TO EXPLAIN AWAY THE LYING AND CHEATING... THAT'S JUST PLAIN SELFISH COWARDICE... BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HIM NO LONGER BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH MY ISSUES AND BEHAVIOR. I GET IT!

being abused doesn't help me feel better

ok, so i'm at this point where i'm sick of the shit my friend is pulling. i mean, i know exactly what she is going through, and i understand why she is acting out and she has good reason. i want to be there for her and not desert her in her time of need. but i am sick of this shit!

she is abusive. i may be annoying and rude, and i acknowledge that and constantly try to improve myself and shed my faults, but she is downright using me as a punching bag, and i want to remove myself from her wrath.

this is the same friend that has been an issue for me because so much of her personality seems to mirror those things about me that i don't like in myself. it is hard to deal with that a lot because it brings so much rushing to the surface that gets me so anxious and depressed.

in an effort to thwart this anxiety and depression that has been bubbling within me more and more over the years, i am in therapy. i know there are deep issues i need help with if i am ever going to be a happy, productive, enjoyable, respectful friend, colleague, or partner. there is a lot about myself that i don't like to look at, that i have avoided for years and years. now i have someone sympathetic, objective, and that with clear boundaries to help guide me through this work that i am doing.

in my estimation, my friend would benefit greatly from the same kind of help. instead, she is dumping too much on her friends. as far as i know, friends are supposed to be there to lend an ear or give advice when asked, but they are not to be expected to be yelled at or witness to throwing of objects across the room or slamming of hands in anger on the table right in front of their face (ok, she didn't throw anything... my ex did... but it all falls into the same exact behavior. it is violent and scary).

so here i am sick of being her recepticle for her anger and frustration and annoyance, because i bear the brunt of it with hardly ever being responsible for it. i know it's nice to think that one's friends and family can make you feel better when the world is being mean to you and luck is not on your side, but at those times when they are not able to even though they are more than willing to if they knew how, they should not be punished.

lately, she is spewing somewhat subtle guilt trips and even to go as far as snapping at me if i happen to go out at night without inviting her. she acts as if we have an agreement of obligation to one another that has been laid out, when in fact it is an assumption on her part if that is in fact what she thinks. evidently, i too have been presumptious to assume that she wouldn't expect me to invite her out every time i leave the house for something other than work. it's not that i wouldn't want her out with me more often, the problem for me is that she has an expectation of how i should proceed without having first discussed it with me.

all of this is a mirror of my behavior with my ex. i dumped on him, snapped at him, made assumptions, was hyper sensitive, and eventually drove him away despite his best efforts to comfort and help me.

now i'm faced with having to make a choice very similar to the one he had to make. do i walk away from her, or do i stand beside her while she suffers? i know the answer... i need to decide whether i think she is truly trying to seek help and improvement, whether she is aware of the disrespect she is displaying towards her friends, and whether she knows it is not acceptable to lash out in the ways she always has. as long as i've known her, i've often felt like i was walking on eggshells around her, and this is not the first time when i have just wanted to get out of her way. however, i do love her and care about her and i hate the idea of leaving her on her own if she only continues to wallow. at the same time, her self-pitying and attitude of self-righteous anger is disrupting my own progress. i have a very unsteady rock on which i stand right now, and when i am unjustly yelled at or when violence is displayed as a reaction to something i have said or done, that rock teeters and totters and i feel as though i may fall. last night i did... she yelled at me and i cried. i too am very sensitive, and i can't see very many reasons why i would step into situations with her in the near future if there is any chance of having to cry again.

what i want:

RIDES A BIKE
BEARD
DOESN'T WEAR TOO-TIGHT PANTS
CREATIVE
NON-RELIGIOUS
HONEST
SMART
FUNNY
BLUE EYES
TALL
SIMILAR MUSIC TASTES
LIKES LIVE SHOWS
HAS A CAR
LIKES ROAD TRIPS
DECENT FRIENDS
NOT BALD
NOT HEAVY
SANS TOO MUCH ATTITUDE
COLLEGE EDUCATED
NOT IN A BAND EVER
POSSIBLY WANTS KIDS
WANTS TO TRAVEL ABROAD
READS SOME
COMMUNICATES
NOT BROKE
HAS MAD SKILLS
GOES TO KARAOKE
CONSIDERATE
FORCEFUL AT TIMES
DRINKS
SOMEONE WHO CAN SHOW ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT FOREIGN CINEMA

hell

OH MY GOD. I AM IN HELL. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SIGHT TO ALL THIS LAMENESS. REALLY, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GOING HOME AND SEWING. I WANT TO PICK OUT PRETTY FABRICS AND COMBINE THEM TO MAKE EVEN PRETTIER PATCHWORK. I WANT PILES AND PILES OF CREATIONS THAT I CAN TAKE WITH ME TO GIVE OUT TO COOL PEOPLE WHO WILL GIVE ME MONEY AND COMPLIMENTS AND THEN I CAN TAKE THAT MONEY TO ENLIVEN MY SOUL IN A FRENZIED, HARMONIC ATMOSPHERE AND THEN I CAN HIDE AWAY IN MY RENTAL CAR UNTIL I COME TO THE NEXT DAY WHERE THEY'LL BE MORE PEOPLE, MORE PATCHWORK, MORE MUSIC.

I WANT TO GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM FEELING SO MISERABLE AND INADAQUATE. I WANT TO RUN FROM ALL THESE LAME PEOPLE THAT POPULATE MY DAILY LIFE BECAUSE ALL THEY DO IS MIRROR HOW DISGUSTING I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY EX FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS AND I WAS ABLE TO FOOL MYSELF THAT I WAS BEAUTIFUL WHILE I WAS WITH HIM.

I WANT TO NOT EXIST SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I KNOW THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I WILL FEEL WORTHY OF LIFE ONE DAY, BUT I ALSO KNOW THERE'S NO GUARENTEE, AND THAT I CAN BE TRYING IN VAIN. LIVING IN VAIN. LOVING IN VAIN. I AM SO FUCKING LONELY, BUT WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I RELATE TO, IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M NOT AND WHAT I WISH TO BE.

I WISH I COULD STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO MY EX AND EVERYONE HE KNOWS. I FEEL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY REJECTED AND UNDESIREABLE. IT IS DISGUSTING TO BE THIS WAY.

it will pass

i went on a date tonight proper. he picked me up, we took a walk through a park, he paid for my fancy meal, we caught live music, then chilled out with a smart cocktail and creme brulee. and he drove a jaguar. he was the most interesting guy i've met since you and i split. i won't compare him to you and vice versa, because i'm getting past that... meaning you are not all that to me any more. i want what i had with you, but i don't want you anymore. not you as you are. i want the man i thought you to be. jesus, why is this so hard? i want to feel clear and self righteous, but all i feel is a subtle longing. luckily, i can come out of a date like this and focus on what was good about it instead of what i wished it was... that's because i know it will come, and if it doesn't, that frees me up for so much more in my life that wouldn't be possible if i were hung up on another you.
anyway, my date wasn't bad, but it wasn't stellar either. it was a good practice run. it could be more, but i'm thinking that the best thing to come out of tonight was that he and i could really relate. you see, his love left him. she was no longer in love with him and he was and had been set on the two of them together forever. pretty much as i was about you. we both have had our hearts broken we are both learning from scratch.
i know you may be alone, but i know it's more likely you spent the day with your new woman. perhaps you called your mom today for mother's day while you slipped into a guest bedroom at your new girlfriend's mom's house right before dinner was served. jesus, i hate you at moments like this!
i am so going to fuck you out of my brain one day. i don't care how fucking long it takes, i will crowd you out of my head if it's the last thing i do. why should a piece of shit like you get to take up so much of my life after you've left it?! why must everything come down to you!? why does every guy that shows interest in me turn me off, but the idea of you in my head flickers a low flame in my twat.
you are evil, sir. fucking sick fuck.

it's like drugs

i want to call him so bad! i don't have his #. i don't know if he has a #. i can't drop by because he may be with a woman and/or his roommates would be freaked out and scared of the crazy-ex they would have to deal with. my ex would give me the same reaction if i did try to see him. fear and momentary panic... what is she going to do? i doubt that he even feels remorse for his side of things, my reactionary behavior would have made it too easy for him to focus on what i did to ruin our connection.

i am toturing myself thinking of all the times i lied to myself. turned a blind eye. ignored the major hints he was dropping.

what's really bad these days is that now that i'm starting to attempt to date people, i am finding myself in the position of the person not interested in anything there is being offered. i winch in utter embarrasment when these nice, boring, annoying, weird looking guys get all excited about me. i can see them literally restraining themselves from just throwing themselves at me (not to sound conceited... odds are a lot of them would throw themselves at a plush rug if they thought it'd do the trick). it sends surges of pain through my gut and my soul and my brain... all i can do is think, 'is this how ____ viewed me? was i this desparate, this delusional, this annoying, this boring?'

towards the end of our relationship, i hysterically confided in him how inadaquate i felt compared to everyone else he knew and how threatened i felt. i would tell him i felt completely pathetic. he would grab me and stare intently in my eyes and tell me that at no point did he ever consider me anything close to pathetic. what help was that?! i said I felt it, not that i was afraid he did (of course i did, but that was besides the point... i wouldn't believe him anyway... i knew i was pathetic. he's not so dumb to miss what i've noticed).

i have this urge to contact him because i miss him so very much. his presense is a soothing as a glass of wine after a stressful day, as soothing as aloe on a sunburn, as soothing as a line when you're at a party and you're feeling socially nervous. everything is made better right away. i swear, he's like drugs to me! i know that any contact with him will leave me feeling worse in the long run... but what to do for soothing and comfort now?! when i'm alone, i long for someone to love, when i meet people, they magnify all that went wrong between ___ and me.

anyway, my guilty conscience is getting to me. i'm eager to meet as many people as possible as often as possible, but doing so is sure to lead on the more idealistcally romantic of the bunch. i know what is like to fall so hard after letting yourself rise so high so soon, and i hate that i could be doing that to almost every guy i meet these days. fortunately, i can at least know that i am brutually honest when i need to be, and that i'll be that way rather than give in to a man who wants to buy me dinner or listen to me rant and babble. but despite that, i still am so full of shame, guilt, embarrasment, humiliation, abuse... you name it. not to mention i'm not always as brave or sure of myself as i should be.

so i wish i could have him in my life that one more time. as if one more moment in his presence would cure me of all my ills. as if one apology or sad look on his face would validate me entirely. as if.

unrepentant

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALREADY SEEING HER WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. YOU SAID THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE, BUT YOU LIED. I KNOW YOU CLAIM HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT 'SEEING SOMEONE' IS, AND YOU CAN ARGUE SEMANTICS DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THE FACT IS THAT YOU WERE ALREADY INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS A MAJOR DECIDING FACTOR FOR YOU IN OUR BREAKUP.



IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW, ASKED YOU ABOUT, AND YOU KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERTLY HID FROM ME. THE ONLY REASON YOU GAVE ME FOR THE BREAKUP WAS 'MY QUESTIONING', BUT WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT ELSE THERE WAS, YOU CLAIMED THAT WAS IT. LISTEN, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS YOU WOULD HAVE NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME THE WAY YOU DID, WHEN YOU DID, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN HER AND WANTED TO BE FREE OF ME TO PERSUE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. THEREFORE, YOU LIED.



YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN STAYING WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY QUESTIONING, AND THAT AS YOU GOT TO KNOW HER YOU FOUND YOURSELF MORE INTERESTED IN STARTING UP WITH HER THAN STAYING WITH ME, BUT INSTEAD, YOU ACTED LIKE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE WHEN I CLEARLY ASKED YOU IF THERE WAS. YOU LIED.



IT WAS A HALF-TRUTH. YOU MISLEAD ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE FACTS AND REVEALED ONLY BITS AND PIECES INSTEAD OF THE ENTIRETY I WAS ENTITLED TO. YOU WERE DISHONEST... HOW MANY WAYS CAN I PHRASE THIS UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOUR FAULTS, YOUR MISTAKES? I SPENT OVER TWO YEARS LISTENING TO YOU CIRCUMVENT THE FACTS AS THEY WERE. I CONTINUALLY QUESTIONED MY ABILITY TO PERCEIVE REALITY BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME I WAS WRONG WHEN I POINTED OUT MY OBSERVATIONS. NOW I AM IN THE PROCESS WHERE I AM LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, AND THAT COMES FROM NO LONGER HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE KINDNESS OF THOSE WHO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF CARING ABOUT YOU ONLY TO BE ABUSED INSIDIOUSLY AND SUBTLEY.



ALTHOUGH I AM FEELING STRONGER AND MORE HOPEFUL THAN I HAVE IN MANY MONTHS, I STILL FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN EMPTY GAPING SPACE INSIDE OF ME WHERE ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU USED TO BE. I NEEDED TO EMPTY THAT OUT AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE AFTER I REALIZED WHAT YOU REALLY WERE AND HOW YOU ACTUALLY FELT ABOUT ME. I KNEW THAT OUR ENTIRE TIME TOGETHER WAS BUILT ON ME KIDDING MYSELF THAT YOU FELT AS DEEPLY AS I DID AND THAT I ALSO FOOLED MYSELF THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO RIGHT BY ME RATHER THAN TRYING TO ONLY CONVINCE ME YOU WERE DOING RIGHT BY ME. I KNOW THAT YOUR LOGIC SAYS THAT IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT, IT DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND… AND THAT IS TRUE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT VIBRATION IS NOT A SOUND UNTIL AN EAR IS WITHIN RANGE TO REGISTER IT. AND IF WE WERE TO MAKE A COMPARISON TO CHEATING AND LYING, ONE COULD SAY THAT NO HARM IS DONE IF THE PERSON DECEIVED NEVER KNOWS THE FACTS. I CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT, BUT I CAN POINT OUT THAT THE TROUBLE WITH SUCH A STRATEGY IS THAT COMPLETE DECEPTION IS OFTEN UNATTAINABLE. THERE IS ENOUGH VIBRATION RATTLING AROUND FROM THAT PROVERBIAL FELLED TREE TO REGISTER WITHIN THE CHEATEE'S EARDRUM TO AT LEAST MAKE A SOUND, ALBEIT INDECERABLE.



THAT SOUND WAS THERE, ____. AS MUCH AS I TRIED TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE, I KNEW YOU WERE BEING DISHONEST AND THAT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ALL THERE WAS TO KNOW, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE DOING THIS, AND THAT YOU CLAIMED IGNORANCE AND USED THE TRUST I HAD IN YOU TO DECEIVE ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDLY, SELFISH MEANS. SO NOW THIS EMPTY SPACE IS IN ME WHERE THERE WAS ONCE SO MUCH REAL LOVE FOR YOU. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE UNREPENTANT AND UNRELIABLE AND UNKIND. YOUR MOMENTS OF TRUTH AND SWEETNESS THAT YOU DISPLAY ARE NOTHING MORE THAN TOOLS YOU UTILIZE TO CONTROL A SITUATION TO YOUR LIKING. THEY ARE NOT BENEVOLENT. YOU HAVE AN INABILITY TO TRULY FEEL EMPATHY AND A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS NOT VEILED IN SUSPICSION AND BATTLE.


THIS IS HOW IT IS WITH YOU, BUT NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE. FAR BE IF FROM ME TO BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, BUT I DO SEE MORE THAN YOU WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE. I HOPE YOU LEARN HOW TO LOVE ONE DAY ____.

therapy

things i'd like to discuss next time i see my therapist:

1) how when my best girlfriend goes on about what is making her upset and unhappy, i see too much of myself in her. there are times when i feel like she is so clueless. there are times when i feel like she should know better. there are times when i feel like the hopes and desires she has are out of reach for her, and she'd be better off restructuring her goals and expectations. when i see that perhaps a lot of those issues pertain to me as well, it really is painful. i don't want to face a view other than the current fantasy i have. i want a good looking, smart and funny guy to be with me and not lie and cheat. i want friends i enjoy, a calm sense of being, money in the bank, and a fulfilling, cool job. also, i want kids with an incredible man and i want the reserves to ensure those kids would be all right more than not. these are pretty much what my girlfriend wants. it scares me to think that if i am suspecting that she isn't worthy of any of that, it's likely neither am i... that i'm deluding myself. does that mean i am doomed to live out my life as it is? i'm miserable. how can i be happy if my dreams are unattainable?

2) i miss my ex-boyfriend. i don't expect him back, i know it wouldn't work even if we both tried again. i know he lied to me and he never loved me the way i loved him and he lead me on and kept a better image in his mind of the woman he really wanted and knew it would never be me even though he knew i was hoping, hoping and hoping he'd feel just like me one day. i know he would always disrespect me, never side with me when it really mattered, and continue to invalidate my views and opinions. i knew i was a slave to him, and that our relationship would have never happened in the first place if i had stood up for myself in the beginning. i know one of the main reasons he left me was because i started to stand up for myself after leading him to think i never would since i never did for so long. i thought i was kind and patient and understanding, and i thought he would appreciate that and therefore respect me down the line even though i didn't demand that respect in the beginning. i know now that i was wrong about him, that the man i loved didn't really exist. but i miss him non-the-less. i miss his eyes, his body, the conversations we'd have, the stories he'd tell, the way he listened to me, the places we'd enjoy together. mostly, i miss how beautiful he was. i am so afraid i'll never meet anyone that beautiful again. i am afraid no matter who i end up in bed with, i'll be comparing them to him, because he was the best i ever had. i know he isn't a good person for me, but he was still the best. i am so afraid that if at my age the best i ever had was a lying, cheating narrassitic person who loved me only so much, does that mean it only gets worse from here? shouldn't i had gone though my mistakes a decade ago and shouldn't i be reaping the rewards of my learning lessons now? is what i to am to learn that i am destined to be alone and poor spiritually, monetarily, and culturally. how can i find someone i truly love that will truly love me? how can i truly love myself at this point?

3) am i done punishing myself for my mistakes? am i going to continue to demean myself for all time? am i an old dog no longer able to learn new tricks?

4) there's more, but i'm getting so depressed writing all this out i better stop here for now. there's still a couple days to outline my next precious therapy hour.